Sleep Talkin' Man

Feb 3 2012

2012-02-03T07:30:00.000Z

"And so the moral of the story is, don't be upset when people think of you as a mucus-filled vaj-sack. Because they will."

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This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary!

Your daily dose of sloth:

Feb 2 2012

2012-02-02T07:30:00.000Z

"That marmoset stole my earring! We are NOT carrying on until that bitch gives it back… Well, actually, it looks quite cool when it wears it. Mmm. New romantic marmoset, I like it."

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__________

This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary!

Your daily dose of sloth:

Feb 1 2012

2012-02-01T07:30:00.001Z

"Scissors. I need to find scissors. Gotta cut the yellow wire. Yellow. Shit, red wire! It's the red one, red... Fuck it, it's the green? Oh, suck this, I'm going home, you deal with it!"

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__________

This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary!

Your daily dose of sloth:

Jan 31 2012

2012-01-31T07:30:00.001Z

"Sex with you is like an autopsy, and you're the cadaver."

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__________

This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary!

Your daily dose of sloth:

Jan 30 2012

2012-01-30T07:30:00.002Z

"Oh, humanity. You can go suck my fat hairy balls. I made you and I can break you whenever I want. See that? That's free will too, you know. I created that too."

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Well, we've gone off to Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary. But do not despair, for I have pre-scheduled posts!

And, as a special bonus, you'll get a daily dose of sloth. Like this:

Jan 27 2012

2012-01-27T08:47:00.000Z

"You're just like an itch that I'd love to scratch… with a fucking chainsaw."

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This pleasant little number will be my last real-time post for a couple of weeks. We're leaving tomorrow for Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary for two weeks! But do not despair, for I've pre-scheduled posts from my nest-egg of STM gems. I'll miss you guys!

Jan 26 2012

2012-01-26T07:25:00.001Z

"It's not bullshit. It's mancrap. It means whenever I use it, I'm right."

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Adam so wishes this were true...

Jan 25 2012

2012-01-25T07:43:00.001Z

"Ice cream cake. Mmm. Love to the power of— I've just come in my pants. New pants, please!"

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What I find most amusing about this is that Adam has never had ice cream cake in his life. It's not such a thing here in the UK. But he is anticipating his first taste of what can only be a perfect combination with great excitement.

"Stop throwing dinosaurs everywhere! It's gonna take me forever to get the pterodactyls down from the wardrobe. Oh, you messy little velociraptors."

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Jan 24 2012

2012-01-24T07:29:00.000Z

"Well, thank you very much for taking me out of my happy place, you pus-gargling cock-turd."

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Jan 23 2012

2012-01-23T07:17:00.001Z

"Everybody kneel on your swimming towel. It is time to pray to the omnipotent baby squid. (chanting) Squidyyyyyy. Squidyyyyyy."

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And we had this in the middle night, as I sat up to get our restless little beagle settled:

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ADAM:	Where are you going?
KAREN:	I'm putting Molly under the covers.
ADAM:	Okay, put Molly under the covers. Then I get ten more points worth of your attention.
KAREN:	(pets his head)
ADAM:	That's not ten more points.
KAREN:	I don't know what we're talking about.
ADAM:	Neither do I. I think I'm involved in a dream.
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Damn it. Go back to sleep quick, that was a good dream!
KAREN:	Go, go!

Jan 20 2012

2012-01-20T07:56:00.000Z

(singing) "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. I'm going to smash all of those, all of those. I'm going to smash all of those. Yaaaaaaaaay!"

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Oh, we all remember that delightful childhood game! Smashing good fun!

Jan 19 2012

2012-01-19T07:33:00.001Z

"If sense of humor is a gift, yours is one of those unwanted gifts that gets passed on from person to person, never opened or appreciated. Best you keep that gift to yourself."

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"I'm living my life, my way. And loving it."

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Oh. Well that's an unusually healthy sentiment from STM.

Jan 18 2012

2012-01-18T08:10:00.000Z

"mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER!"

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And here's the rest transcribed:

STM:	mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER!
KAREN:	(snorts and giggles)
ADAM:	Hm. What a perfectly charming way to wake up. And a good morning to you, STM.... you bastard.
KAREN:	Do you think you said "cock wobbler" or "cock warbler"?
ADAM:	How did I say it? Did I say it like "wobbler" or "waaaaaarbler"?
KAREN:	I dunno. Wait a minute.
ADAM:	What?
KAREN:	A cock wobbler—
ADAM:	is someone who goes up to you and go— Well, goes up to male genitalia and—
KAREN:	wobble wobble wobble!
ADAM:	—wobbles it.
KAREN:	And then, a cock warbler—
ADAM:	—warbler, let's not go there. (leans across to look at clock) Is that all it is?
KAREN:	What is it?
ADAM:	It's only 1:30.
KAREN:	It is not!
ADAM:	It is too!
KAREN:	Are you serious? I thought it was already morning. It's like Christmas! Sleepiiiiiiiiiiing! I'm so excited!
ADAM:	Unfortunately, being excited generally means you don't sleep.
KAREN:	Okay, sleeping.
ADAM:	See, I'm the opposite.
KAREN:	(drifting off) Wowwwwwww.
ADAM:	I'm not excited. (long pause, then voluble yawn) Jeez.
KAREN:	Hmm?
ADAM:	What?
KAREN:	Now I'm confused about what I was dreaming and what was real. Umm, I don't know anything.
ADAM:	Well, nothing's happening. So anything that is in your head is probably a dream. So, work it out from there.
KAREN:	Hmm.
ADAM:	I just dribbled.
KAREN:	(slurring) I love you enough that I love your dribble.
ADAM:	Shh. You talk too much.

Jan 17 2012

2012-01-17T07:59:00.000Z

"Mirror mirror on the wall... jealous?"

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"You're the kind of thing that's standing in the middle of a room, all alone, holding a warm codpiece in your hand."

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Jan 16 2012

2012-01-16T07:31:00.001Z

"What the fuck are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination. Reality shouldn't have to put up with your pathetic shit."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "What are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination." It's like—
ADAM:	Hang on, wait a second, is STM talking to me?
KAREN:	Well, maybe STM thinks that—
ADAM:	he's real and I'm not.
KAREN:	Yeah. Wait, wait. Maybe it's like the movie Igor, where everything is backwards from the world as we know it. So, what we consider good is bad, and vice versa. So, the fact that you're this nice, generous, kind person is considered sick in his world, just as we think of him as sick in our world.
ADAM:	Hm.
KAREN:	Now we sleep.
ADAM:	Oh, right, okay. Thanks.
KAREN:	Ready?
ADAM:	I've been ready from the minute I woke up and you started talking.
KAREN:	(giggles)
ADAM:	Love you!

Jan 13 2012

2012-01-13T08:05:00.006Z

"Are you listening to me? Are you? 'Cause the last person who didn't listen to me had their throat ripped out. So tell me: what would you like on your toast?"

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I trawled my nest-egg of quotes for the most Friday the 13th-appropriate. This was the closest I could get.

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IMPORTANT NOTE: In response to a wonderful suggestion on Facebook, throughout the month of January we are offering special "Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?" t-shirts (men's and women's). Profits will go to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Jan 12 2012

2012-01-12T08:01:00.000Z

"Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?"

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Well, this one is OBVIOUSLY about me. Right, Adam?... Adam?!

Jan 11 2012

2012-01-11T07:52:00.007Z

"Hey, look at me! I just made bumble bee pajamas. They're so cuuuute, with their little leg holes. This one's bright fuchsia with some black spots. I think that's my favorite. And this one's got a night cap that fits right over the antennae... (gasp!) TOSS! Wing holes! I forgot to put wing holes! Oh, well. '...and all the honey was oozy woozy, sticky and gooey, but it tasted good.' Awww. Bed time story for tired little bumble bee. (whispering) Go to sleep, bee."

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Karen's irrelevant notes: As our long-time readers know, Adam and I spend two weeks every year volunteering at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. This year, it's sloths in Costa Rica! Here are some of the amazing sloths we'll be snuggling in February:

Let's cross our fingers that it proves inspirational to STM, just as the monkeys did last year, and the elephants in 2010.

Jan 10 2012

2012-01-10T07:57:00.001Z

"Ugh. What a mess! Everywhere, UGHHH! And up there, EWW! When are you gonna learn: when transporting giraffes, shouting "duck" every time you hit a bridge doesn't work!"

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"Be happy happy happy. Smile more. I said smile more, jerk."

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__________

MERCH NEWS: As requested, later today I'll be putting "If beauty is in the eye of the beholder...." onto t-shirts. Go on, buy one! I DARE YOU!

Jan 9 2011

2012-01-09T07:58:00.001Z

"If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then BEHOLD BITCHES!"

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"Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning— Get out of my fucking way and stop looking at the sky you idiot! Dickheaaaaaaaaaaad!"

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That's right, Americans! Here in the UK, they use "shepherd" in that idiom! I like ours better.

Jan 6 2012

2012-01-06T08:12:00.001Z

"I'll have a baby on the rocks. Yeah… What the fuck is this? Seriously?! A baby smoothie?! What the fuck, barkeeper, I asked for a baby on the rocks. Baby, rocks. Simple. Goddamnit, people. A baby on the rocks."

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Personally, I could really go for a baby smoothie right now.

Jan 5 2012

2012-01-05T07:57:00.000Z

"Now I'm going to batter you to death with chicken drumsticks! It'll be really messy, but I'm going to enjoy every hour of it."

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"Hey! That's MY bag of hair. Get your own! And stay away from the zoo, I'm going there next."

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And the ensuing discussion:

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KAREN:	It's very strange that you said that, because I had a conversation—
ADAM:	A REAL conversation about bags of hair?
KAREN:	Yes!
ADAM:	Get away!
KAREN:	Yesterday afternoon, with Mark at work, we had a conversation about how much Molly sheds, and he was telling me how you can collect your pet's hair for a really long time, and then bring it to someone and they will knit it into a sweater.
ADAM:	You will have a Molly sweater?
KAREN:	Yes. BUT, the most amazing thing is that you said that—
ADAM:	You never told me that discussion.
KAREN:	No! Isn't that crazy?!
ADAM:	STM can read your mind!

Jan 4 2012

2012-01-04T08:01:00.000Z

"Yup, it's time for anal flossing for you, my friend. Assume the position! Good lad."

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"You're such a fuck-up, your DNA is made up of X's and 'why me's."

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Yes, yes, STM meant "chromosomes", we know.

Jan 3 2012

2012-01-03T07:24:00.000Z

"Well, fuck you! Fuck you, Amazon. You don't KNOW me. I kill puppies. Suggest something for me NOW then, you shit spreading bastard— Ooh! Bathtub fairy lights! Mmm, pretty."

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"Nee nee nee nee nee nee nee OHHH! Pooooooooooo nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee... BOLLOCKS!"

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Jan 2 2012

2012-01-02T09:52:00.004Z

Happy New Year, fair readers!

Here's to another year of delightful irreverence from our friendly neighborhood Sleep Talkin' Man!

"I don't care if people think you're weird and you meow like a cat. Just don't go and lick your— Oh!... I now care."

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I have to be honest, people tend to think I'm a little weird (in a good way, right? RIGHT?!), and I do regularly "meow" my way through songs. But don't worry, STM, I'll try to limit my cat impersonation to that.

"Fanny batter-go-lightly. I don't want the fatty stuff. No no no."

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This one hearkens back to about three weeks ago, when STM first coined the phrase "fanny batter". As a reminder, "fanny" here in the UK is mild slang for vagina. So "fanny batter" is... you figure it out.

Dec 30 2011

2011-12-30T08:36:00.001Z

"No, you're NOT going out like that. Your feathers all ruffled and beak covered in that nasty lipstick, and that excuse for a skirt. You look like one of those street-corner dirty chickens. Go back upstairs and put something decent on. You live under my coop, you behave and you dress like a good chicken! This is hard-boiled love, you know."

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I guess that makes STM a cock.

And to support that theory, here is how he woke Adam up:

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STM:	(suddenly slaps Adam in the face)
ADAM:	Ow!
KAREN:	Baby? What was that?
ADAM:	I think I was attacked.
KAREN:	By what?
ADAM:	A rogue hand. It's not even having an attempt to try and hide. It's still there, on my face. I know exactly who did it. This isn't the kind of thing Miss Marple's needed for, this isn't Murder She Wrote, my hand is STILL ON MY FACE. I do have an itch, funny enough, but unfortunately it's not in the place where I've smacked myself in the head, so I need answers. But it's not talking. I don't think I'll ever ever understand why my hand hates my face so much! WHY?! What have I done to you??!

Dec 29 2011

2011-12-29T08:32:00.000Z

"I'm not just id, ego, superego. I'm id, ego, super-mega-fucking-awesome-ego!"

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Good to hear that STM's sense of self-worth is still healthy and thriving!

"Tick, fucking tock, fucking tick, fucking tock, fucking boing. Fucking alarm clock. Bollocks."

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I think we've all felt this way on one of those early mornings.

Dec 28 2011

2011-12-28T10:47:00.000Z

"Today is my gift to you. Today, I will not kill you and feed you to my children. Today, I'll let you frolic in the woods, picking daisies. Today, I'll let you count the stars and watch sunsets. Tomorrow, YOU'RE ON A SKEWER. Num num num num num num num num num num num num. Num num num num num. Num num num..."

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"This ginger ninja's gonna stick you with his syringa. Yeah."

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Dec 27 2011

2011-12-27T09:14:00.001Z

"Well, don't YOU look like the icing on a fuck cake."

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And that lovely compliment was followed by one of Adam's delightful dead-of-night awakenings:

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STM:	Gusset FUCK!
ADAM:	I said nothing, and we're not discussing it.
KAREN:	(sluring sleepily) What was the first part?
ADAM:	Goodnight.
KAREN:	'Kay.
ADAM:	I didn't say anything.
KAREN:	'Kay.
ADAM:	I know I didn't.
KAREN:	'Kay.
ADAM:	Don't put words in my mouth. Love you.
KAREN:	Uh huv ooo.... I have to peeeeee.
ADAM:	I'll get a wee-wee pad on the bed for you.
KAREN:	That would be good.
ADAM:	Not for me it wouldn't. And not for our marriage, actually.

Dec 26 2011

2011-12-26T08:57:00.001Z

"Six packs of nails and four ears... What am I going to do with the nails?! The ears I like. Oh yeah. Ears are always handy."

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I guess STM got to open presents last night, too. Lucky him, I wish I'd gotten some new ears!

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KAREN:	Do you think what I think, that it's gifts you're getting?
ADAM:	I suppose.
KAREN:	You must mean nails like (waggles fingers)
ADAM:	Not really.
KAREN:	Well, no, I was thinking of it as nails as in hardware. But since you're also getting EARS...
ADAM:	Don't you need the nails to hammer in the ears, to keep them on?
KAREN:	Hmm.
ADAM:	How else would you be attaching the ears. Or are they rubber ears? Why would you have real ears?
KAREN:	Well, they're always handy.
ADAM:	Fingers. They'll be handy.
KAREN:	(giggles)
ADAM:	Don't laugh at me.

Dec 23 2011

2011-12-23T07:32:00.000Z

"Hey, boobs! Stop staring at my face!"

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If any of you guys out there feel that you simply must sport this stamped across your chest, check out the shirt shops later today!

Dec 22 2011

2011-12-22T07:22:00.001Z

"Graphic novels: They're just comics that grew up, flipped you the bird, and waved a hairy nut-sac in your face."

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I'll never look at Maus the same way again.

"Your pants, my kind of romance."

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Dec 21 2011

2011-12-21T07:31:00.002Z

"Hey! This is MY playground. These are MY swings. That's MY climbing pyramid. And that's MY springy elephant! THAT'S MY SPRINGY ELEPHANT! You crusty knob-end. Bog off! Leave this playground to the king of playtime! ... Mmmm, they're all mine.... I need a push. (whining pathetically) I can't swing without a push. PUSH ME! Where is everyone? Bastards. (muttering bitterly) This is MY playground."

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STM is his own worst enemy.

Dec 20 2011

2011-12-20T07:57:00.002Z

"You like chest hair? Oh, I've got chest hair. I'm a fucking walking love rug. Yeah."

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That's true, actually. Adam is, in fact, a walking love rug.

"Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhannukah, suckers! Yeahhhhhh."

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Thanks for reminding me, STM!

Dec 19 2011

2011-12-19T07:29:00.000Z

"Oh shit. There's a ton of shit coming in, and you're sitting there, doing the same old shit, not giving a shit. Get off your fucking ass, and get on with the shit that's coming in, otherwise we're going to be up to our necks in this shit. Shit. You're such a shit."

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"In conclusion, we can see that you're an ugly cunt stain that needs to be permanently removed from my life. Okay?"

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It's unfortunate that STM kept the full supporting argument to himself. We need evidence!

Dec 16 2011

2011-12-16T07:56:00.000Z

"Oi! Oi! Stay out of my poop, Magneto. You've been warned."

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And the reveal...

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ADAM:	Magneto's from the X-Men. Why am I telling an X-man to stay out of my poop?
KAREN:	I don't know. Well, what's his power?
ADAM:	He can do all things.
KAREN:	He can do all things?
ADAM:	He can do everything.
KAREN:	Why, is he the bad guy?
ADAM:	Yeah.
KAREN:	Oh..... Well, what's he gonna do with your poop?
ADAM:	The only reason Magneto would want to have anything to do with STM's poop is because STM's poop contains the ultimate super-power, having come from the utimate being. In STM's mind, obviously.
KAREN:	I now consider this quote explained.
ADAM:	Do you accept my hypothesis, or do you reject it?
KAREN:	I accept it.
ADAM:	Awesome.

Dec 15 2011

2011-12-15T07:54:00.001Z

"Lentil hotpot, otherwise knows as... ass custard."

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As all long-time readers know, both STM and Adam detest lentils.

"Hey! Making fun of penguins is the law!"

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Dec 14 2011

2011-12-14T07:42:00.001Z

"Pith helmet, check. Baby wipes, check. Small box, check. Let's go midget smuggling! YAY!"

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And Adam's thoughtful analysis:

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KAREN:	So... Where do the baby wipes fit in?
ADAM:	Okay: pith helmet makes sense; small box, yeah I can see why; baby wipes... maybe to keep them clean and fresh for when he delivers them on the other side, no? You know, if he's underground with his pit helment, he doesn't want to get his midgets dirty. He wants to deliver nice clean midgets.
KAREN:	Makes sense.
ADAM:	I only try to make sense of what goes on in my head.

Dec 13 2011

2011-12-13T07:22:00.000Z

"You're exactly the type of person I'd throw a cake at. Swiftly followed by a brick. And then an elk."

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"Your head's so shiny. So freakishly shiny. It's too bright! Only go out at night with a head so shiny."

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Dec 12 2011

2011-12-12T07:18:00.000Z

"This little tampon went out, this little tampon stayed home. This little tampon had an applicator, this little tampon had none. This little tampon's covered in... poop. WRONG HOLE, PEOPLE! Wrong hole."

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Wow. This one definitely deserves a post all to itself.

Dec 9 2011

2011-12-09T07:49:00.001Z

"It's okay. I'm just gonna use my hands as hats for your boobies."

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Oh, thanks for that.

And here is how Adam woke himself up. Note: In the US, fanny is mild slang for ass. In the UK, fanny is mild slang for vagina.

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STM:	Fanny. Fanny fanny... FANNY BATTER!!
KAREN:	... What did you say?
ADAM:	Something "batter".
KAREN:	Oh, in that case, yeah, I know, that's what I thought.
ADAM:	I feel like I ripped out my throat doing that.
KAREN:	You said "fanny batter."
ADAM:	The UK version of "fanny"?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Okay. I do apologise. My mouth, but not my words.

Dec 8 2011

2011-12-08T07:57:00.002Z

"There's so much bread! Gluten everywhere! Oh, the challah, the challah."

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If you've never seen Apocalypse Now, that one's probably lost on you. And for those not in the Jewish know, challah is a scrumptious super-eggy braided bread.

"Two window licks and a rubber brick, please. Yeah, spring cleaning's a chore."

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About this one, there's nothing I can say. Neither Adam nor I have any explanation that will give it more sense.

Dec 7 2011

2011-12-07T07:43:00.001Z

"There's nothing more depraved than watching muppet porn. Too fuzzy!"

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Adam said that one while I was away in the States for Thanksgiving. It came out the night that my family went out to see the new Muppet movie. It was AMAZING, and I can confirm (spoiler alert) that there was no muppet porn.

"A long long time ago, right up until the minute you were born, everybody was happier."

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Dec 6 2011

2011-12-06T07:57:00.002Z

"The only way you could be described as having an open mind is if I shove my fist through your fucking face."

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I think we all know someone like that.

And here is how Adam was awakened, being attacked by some lovely bubbles floating by.

"Bubbles of joy... Bubbles of joy... Floating bubbles of joy... AAARRRGGHHH!!"

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STM:	Bubbles of joy... Bubbles of joy... Oh, floating bubbles of joy... AAARRRGGHHH!!
KAREN:	Do you know— Do you know what happened? I mean... what... happened?
ADAM:	I was shouting.
KAREN:	No, I mean, you were saying, "bubbles of joy..."
ADAM:	Yes?
KAREN:	Did the bubble pop or something?
ADAM:	Why? Because I shouted?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Hmmm... I don't know. Anything is possible. Like going back to sleep. That's extremely possible right now.
KAREN:	Mmmm-hmm.
ADAM:	I love you.
KAREN:	I love you.
ADAM:	I love sleep more though.
KAREN:	Yeah.

Dec 5 2011

2011-12-05T08:26:00.000Z

"Quick! Everybody lock your doors! Squirrelantula is on the loose again! And this time he means business. GET THE GIANT BROOM!"

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Lord, does that ever call for a cartoon!

"Mmmmm, meringue. Meringue-a-dang-a-ding-dong! Mmmm, yumness...."

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"...chop chop chop chop chop chopop chop chop... Cock-a-doodle wank job!"

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Dec 2 2011

2011-12-02T08:11:00.000Z

"This is not a castle without badgers. BRING ME MY GYRATING BADGERS!"

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So we're back on the badgers, are we?

Dec 1 2011

2011-12-01T07:38:00.000Z

"Don't panic! I'm allowed to shit myself. What's your obsession with smelling it? Put me down! Put me down!"

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Perhaps that was STM channeling the sentiments of every baby in the world.

"Put the turkey baster down! You sick puppy."

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Nov 30 2011

2011-11-30T07:55:00.000Z

"I'm collecting midgets. I just nabbed this one from France. It'll never be my favourite, though."

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"Yes madam, mm-hmm. I've come for the menstruation. Mmm-hhm, yup. Bucket out the back. Thank you."

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Ugh. What can I possibly say about this?

Nov 29 2011

2011-11-29T07:20:00.002Z

Sorry we lost a couple of days there, guys. I was flying back from the States Sunday, and our internet went down yesterday. But now I'm back at home with my sleep talkin' man, and we're back on track!

"Kiss you? I'd rather use my mouth to plug the hole that's left when someone's asshole falls out."

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"You're not responsible for my sexy thoughts. My thoughts, my sexy."

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And our thoughtful analysis...

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KAREN:	Do you think perhaps what STM is saying is that he himself is responsible for his sexy thoughts? His thoughts are about himself?
ADAM:	So, thoughts that he finds sexy are about himself?
KAREN:	That's what I'm wondering.
ADAM:	Oh... God this guy's a dick. Can you imagine, he's standing there in front of a mirror, with you on the bed behind him, and he's just standing there going, "you're not responsible for my sexy thoughts."
KAREN:	He's definitely telling the person "my sexy thoughts aren't about you." But is he saying that they're about himself?
ADAM:	I get the impression that they have to be, because nobody can make him feel sexy apart from himself.
KAREN:	He set the bar so high with himself—
ADAM:	— with himself, no one's gonna get close to make him feel sexy in the slightest.
KAREN:	You've— First of all, you've put a lot of words in Sleep Talkin' Man's mouth. He never said, "I can't possibly find anyone sexy but me." He's just saying to a particular person, "You're not the one I'm having sexy thoughts about."
ADAM:	Yeah, MY thoughts—
KAREN:	I think you're taking it—
ADAM:	— MY sexy. He's— It's all about him. When it comes to relationships, he may find things a bit tricky because he's gonna judge everybody on his own level. And that's a very very very high pedestal he's sitting on. You know, he may sit on a high pedestal, I'm sitting on a kindergarten chair.
KAREN:	I think you deserve to at least be on a high stool.
ADAM:	At least you didn't say high chair... Step ladder? No? Okay.... Tree house?

Nov 26 2011

2011-11-26T15:01:00.001Z

"No, you cannot substitute a chicken for a guide dog. Have you seen a chicken cross the road?!"

or click here

"Don't wash the cat with the cheese! Heed my warnings, stay safe. Leave the cheese for the porcupine."

or click here

Nov 24 2011

2011-11-24T16:25:00.001Z

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS!

Here is how STM decided to kick off the holiday season:

"You're as wanted as a paperclip. A sad, lonely, broken paperclip. And not one of those fancy colored ones, either."

or click here

Aw. What a depressing sentiment for this festive day. I also found another set of wacky sound effects:

or click here

And finally,

"I perspire with love. Smell my lust!"

or click here

Nov 23 2011

2011-11-23T12:55:00.000Z

"Stop! Just stop... breathing. Yeah, that'll be good."

or click here

"I like to lick socks. But only after dinner. Mmmmm, warm socks."

or click here

__________

Merch reminder: Hey guys! Tomorrow is the last day for those promos in the shirt shops! Details in the right column, link to shops in the left column.

Nov 22 2011

2011-11-22T15:53:00.000Z

"Stop that! Never use a jellyfish for a shower cap. The tentacles are all soapy!"

or click here

"That's right. TGIF, mother-fucker: thank god I'm fabulous."

or click here

Nov 21 2011

2011-11-21T12:50:00.000Z

"If at first you don't find love... google harder!"

or click here

I'm in the States for Thanksgiving, so Adam is on his own hitting the record button and then sending the file along to me in the morning. It's always a delightful surprise for me to search through the recording and see what little gems STM left for me.

Nov 19 2011

2011-11-18T07:32:00.004Z

"The great nature/nurture debate: Did we learn to hate you, or were we all born with that gift?"

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"This is my friend Lumpy. Lumpy, say hello. I'm sorry, Lumpy's shy. Lumpy, say hello! (sigh) He's a bit crap. Come on, Lumpy, we can go to the sweet shop."

or click here

__________

Merch News: Two MORE promos from the shirt shop! Here they are:

(this free shipping one might only be for the US shop, I'm trying to find out)

Nov 17 2011

2011-11-17T07:40:00.000Z

"Ladies and gentlemen, grab your partners! Time to dance like you're my washing machine. Can you spin it? Yes you can. Let's take it down! I'm talkin' 40 degrees."

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And this is how STM woke Adam up:

"COCK SOUP!"

or click here

Nov 16 2011

2011-11-16T08:15:00.001Z

"I'm so magic, I puke rainbows and shit pixie dust."

or click here

"Tsk tsk tsk. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. Thirty-seven dangleberries, and not one dingle enough. What the fuck's it coming to these days? Fuck it. Dangleberries it is."

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And the ensuing conversation in the morning...

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ADAM:	Dangleberry?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	You know they're not berries.
KAREN:	Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thanks.
ADAM:	And you know what the clinical term for dangleberry is?
KAREN:	Yeah?
ADAM:	Bum grapes.
KAREN:	I've never heard that term.
ADAM:	Yeah. Bum grapes... Anusol!
KAREN:	The medicine?
ADAM:	It's the worst-named medicine in the world if you have to go to the pharmacist.
KAREN:	"I'd like some ANUSOL please?"
ADAM:	Everybody knows exactly what's wrong with you.
KAREN:	Even if they've never heard of the medicine, they now know.
ADAM:	The thing is, you can pick it up from the shelf in the supermarket, go to the cashier, "Can somebody give me a price on the Anusol please!?" Everybody in the supermarket knows, you've got bum grapes. Oh dear.

Nov 15 2011

2011-11-15T07:46:00.000Z

"The world will rue the day that I gave Superman explosive diarrhea! (evil chuckle)"

or click here

"The pear and the parsnip had a race. To be honest, I couldn't give a toss who won, I was just fascinated to watch. Look at those little legs. Run parsnip, run!"

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STM's being a bit disingenuous here. He is clearly rooting for the parsnip.

Nov 14 2011

2011-11-14T07:09:00.001Z

"I have feelings for you... The kind of feelings that hide under the bed and scare the living shit out of you."

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"Put the croissant down. Your fancy pastry ways aren't welcome here."

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Nov 11 2011

2011-11-11T07:29:00.000Z

"Your family, or a zombie horde. Choose carefully."

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"Hey! Stop shouting at the starfish. It's not its fault it can't grow chilies. Leave him alone. Tell you what, you should check out his aubergines. Mighty impressive!"

or click here

Nov 10 2011

2011-11-10T07:51:00.001Z

"I swear, your vagina needs a use-by date. Stinky snatch."

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Adam wants me to tell you all that he has never used the word "snatch" to reference female genitalia in his (waking) life.

"Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada ba— BING! Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada ba— BING! I hate those bings. They stop my rhythm. Bastards!"

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And then, poor Adam had another one of those unpleasant awakenings care of STM:

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STM:	(holds arm up in air, makes fist, and brings it down on Adam's head wth a dull thunk.)
ADAM:	(gasps awake, then stares at hand for a long moment).
KAREN:	Baby!
ADAM:	WHAT? What?
KAREN:	You just clonked yourself on the forehead with your fist!
ADAM:	That was crap of me, wasn't it?
KAREN:	You went like this (demonstrates, eliciting a similar thunk). That's what you did! Why did you do that?
ADAM:	I don— I— Well— Considering the fact that I don't know I did that—
KAREN:	What did you think woke you up?
ADAM:	Well, I knew I got clonked on the head, and then, noticing my hand ON my head, I realized it was me. But I needed to determine whether I was in full control of my arm, hence me staring at my hand for a while. And once I realized I WAS in full control of my arm I kind of gathered that I must have clonked myself in the head and I was left with just a great sense of shame and embarrassment.
KAREN:	Oh, baby.
ADAM:	It's okay. I live with it every day. And then you share it with the world every day.
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Thank you, darling, I love you. Spread the shame, spread the shame.

Nov 9 2011

2011-11-09T08:07:00.001Z

"There's pudding in the sock drawer, and waffles galore, so make yourself at home. No, I said the sock drawer, damnit, the sock— ohhhh. There's tapioca everywhere."

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"I didn't have an accident. It was a physical miscommunication. Now wash my pants, bitch!"

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And the dramatic awakening:

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STM:	(a few satisfied little hums, and then) NIPPLES!
ADAM:	Oh, I woke you up.
KAREN:	No, I'm awake.
ADAM:	Oh, well, congratulations for now being shouted at as well.
KAREN:	(giggles)
ADAM:	You must go to sleep, otherwise I can't shout at you again.

Nov 8 2011

2011-11-08T07:53:00.000Z

"'Unique' and 'special' are the two words I'd use to describe you. That is, if I'm not allowed to use 'cunt' and 'bag'."

or click here

Nov 7 2011

2011-11-07T07:28:00.003Z

"Here's what we do: We wrestle back control from the pirate gerbils, and the seas will be ours! That's right, you nasty little sea fluffies… Shit, they're stashing the treasure in their cheeks! Come on! Time for some plundering!"

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"Smashed it? Of course I smashed it. I'm a serial soul-smashing mother-fucker. Smashed it, what a knob."

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Sounds like STM is getting a bit sick of Tulisa. And for those who don't spend their weekend nights glued to the TV watching the X Factor (UK version), one of the judges annoyingly graces every single good performance with the phrase "you smashed it!"

__________

Merch news: We've got our own exclusive promo in the shirt shops! For the next week, shipping is FREE, if you order two items or more. During checkout, enter the code STMPROMO (unless you're in Canada, in which case it's STMPROMOCAN).

Nov 6 2011

2011-11-06T10:28:00.002Z

"I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me. We're just in different places. I'm here, and you're... polluting my fucking life like some oily anal discharge."

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Way to let her down easy, STM.

Added later: Our favorite comment? "While that was quite an awful way to dump someone, my friend still holds the record, in my opinion. She told her boyfriend at the time 'Welcome to Dumpsville, baby. Population: YOU.'"

Nov 5 2011

2011-11-05T10:32:00.003Z

"Oh great. Who's idea was it to theme this party 'sloth sanctuary'? It's gonna be the slowest evening ever. Jesus! (then in slo-mo) Jeeeeeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuuuuusssssss."

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That one is not as random as it sounds. Every year, Adam and I volunteer at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. We've just decided that this year, we'll work with sloths in Costa Rica. I'm sure there will be some truly rockin' parties.

"Froggie!! I miss you. Where have been Froggie? Ohhhh, fancy. What've you got in your bag? Why are you collecting tourists? Put 'em back, Froggie, and tell me about your trip."

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And then we have Adam's unfortunate awakening, and our conversation about that last one:

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ADAM:	(punches headboard) OW! Oh.
KAREN:	Oh, Baby, what did you just hit?
ADAM:	Oh! Hand.
KAREN:	Oh my god. But you were just having such a nice conversation. With the froggie.
ADAM:	Really?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	What language was I speaking?
KAREN:	... No I think it was an actual froggie.
ADAM:	Oh, okay, not French, then.
KAREN:	No. I think it was a froggie. (giggle)
ADAM:	You just like the word.
KAREN:	Um, what did you say... "Oh, froggie, I've missed you! Where have you been? What's in your bag? Stop collecting tourists, and tell me about your trip."
ADAM:	Wow. Is he a big frog, do you think?
KAREN:	Well, if he had a big enough bag that he could collect tourists...
ADAM:	I wonder how he collects them. Do you think he uses his big sticky tongue to grab them off the street? You're standing there, taking pictures of Big Ben, and all of the sudden: (sound effect)
KAREN:	Well, what does he do with them?
ADAM:	His tourist collection. "I have tourists from all over the world. Here we have Japan, Australia. Don't have any from Kahzakstan, though. Or Outer Mongolia. My prize is this man from Belize."

Nov 4 2011

2011-11-04T07:49:00.000Z

"I can do it. I can! I can do it. Oh...Oh... I can't. I can't do it. I can't! I can't, and it's all your fault. It's all your fucking fault, you gangrenous dollop of menstrual discharge. Fuck off!"

or click here

Ugh. Another lovely image, care of STM.

"FYI: I vibrate when I see cats and apples. Never take me to the kitty orchard. It'll get messy."

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We really tried to figure out the reference here, folks, and came up empty.

Nov 3 2011

2011-11-03T07:35:00.000Z

"I'm sorry, but not knowing what a horcrux is is a deal-breaker to me. Deal with it, muggle-fucker."

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I'm so glad that that Harry Potter movie marathon we had this summer paid off.

I've just got to get "Deal with it, muggle-fucker" onto merch. It'll be in the shops later today.

Nov 2 2011

2011-11-02T07:28:00.001Z

"It's a turd. I wrapped it, and put a ribbon on it, and I'm giving it to you. See? I give a shit."

or click here

Last night was the first time this season that the heater kicked on overnight. STM decided to harmonize along with it:

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And then, the dramatic awakening:

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Nov 1 2011

2011-11-01T07:29:00.000Z

"The fruit flies have escaped! Hide your plums! Satsumas flee! FLEE! Oh, this is gonna be total fruitocide. Fuck you, avocado, you're on your own."

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I should mention here that Adam is allergic to avocado and that, to hide his sorrow, he pretends that avocado are undesirable.

This next one came out as I was peeing in our en suite bathroom

"Disco diva! Dancing on toilet again!"

or click here

Oct 31 2011

2011-10-31T07:19:00.000Z

"Stupid vodka-shooting cat!"

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"I hate bubbles. Oh sure they're nice and pretty to begin with. But then the rainbow colors just go POP! Instant downer. Mother fucking bubbles."

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And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.

or click here

ADAM:	What are you doing so awake?
KAREN:	Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap.
ADAM:	Battery mishap.
KAREN:	You woke me up making little noises—
ADAM:	Little noises!
KAREN:	And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries—
ADAM:	You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed?
KAREN:	Oh yeah.
ADAM:	Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed?
KAREN:	I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing?
ADAM:	You can see!
KAREN:	But you know the crazy thing—
ADAM:	I cured you!
KAREN:	You waited for me.
ADAM:	Piss off.
KAREN:	Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking.
ADAM:	And did you do your hummy thing?
KAREN:	... A little.
ADAM:	Young lady!
KAREN:	But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around.
ADAM:	I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk.
KAREN:	But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it?
ADAM:	I know what it was!
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	Go to sleep.

Oct 28 2011

2011-10-28T07:52:00.000+01:00

"Thank you for dinner. Now if I ever say that something tastes like the anal evacuation of the recently deceased, I'll have a frame of reference."

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"Watermelon? What the fuck?! My fucking cantaloupe, mother fucker."

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Oct 27 2011

2011-10-27T08:03:00.000+01:00

"I don't break hearts. No. I DESTROY THEM. I'm the Death Star of break-ups."

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And then...

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STM:	Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES!
KAREN:	... Did you say "toes" or "toast"?
ADAM:	(face buried in the pillows) Toes.
KAREN:	Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby?
ADAM:	I don't know.
KAREN:	You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!"
ADAM:	I gave myself a fright.
KAREN:	Aw, come here. Don't be frightened.
ADAM:	One minute I think I'm asleep—
KAREN:	You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken.
ADAM:	You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself—
KAREN:	Yeah, and you start awake.
ADAM:	I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting.
KAREN:	But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes?
ADAM:	I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes?
KAREN:	Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air.
ADAM:	If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about.

Oct 26 2011

2011-10-26T07:35:00.000+01:00

"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."

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"It's a cricket bat, dumb-arse! Jesus, dick-shit, a cricket bat. Game of the kings!"

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Oct 25 2011

2011-10-25T07:14:00.001+01:00

"Don't make me come over there and piss in your shoes again. You know you don't like it."

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Well, who would?

"I know I shouldn't have, but, I got you a t-shirt. I got it for you in large and, just in case, in holy-shit-you're-fat size."

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Oct 24 2011

2011-10-24T07:42:00.001+01:00

"You're one weeping snatch away from being a complete fucking bitch."

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Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.

(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"

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Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?

Oct 22 2011

2011-10-22T10:44:00.002+01:00

"Where's the nail polish remover? It's time to clean your eyeballs. Need the liquid! Mmm-hmmm. And a scouring brush. Yeah. Get into all those hard-to-reach places."

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Oct 21 2011

2011-10-21T07:49:00.000+01:00

"I'm the best thing to happen to you since you discovered masturbation."

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Wow. That WOULD be tough to beat.

And then we had one of those repeats, in which STM apparently feels he didn't make himself clear the first time. Listen to this:

"Don't you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I'm fucking goddamn finished!"

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And then go back and check out the May 17 post.

Oct 20 2011

2011-10-20T07:17:00.000+01:00

"Seriously, could you be any more annoying? Oh. Oh yes, you could. You could be your mother."

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"Get up! You gotta get up. We've got some watching to do. Mmm-hmmm. So get up, and make me food! I need food to watch. Gimme some watching food. Mmmm. Watching food."

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What could he be watching? And, what would make good watching food? Any ideas?

Oct 19 2011

2011-10-19T07:23:00.001+01:00

"Oh, you've done it now. You've pushed me too far. I'm gonna bring out the attack gerbil and sit back and watch him tear you a new fuckin' asshole. Come on, gerbil, attack! Stop sitting there cleaning yourself looking cute, you fucker, and KILL! KILL!! Damn it. Stupid twitchy nose little thing. Arrrgh. I have to give up this killer-training-for-gerbil thing. Maybe I can train hamsters in the art of the ninja. They'll look cool in black."

or click here

Oct 18 2011

2011-10-18T07:40:00.000+01:00

"Watching you dance does remind me of a dyspraxic ice-skating octopus I once had."

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And then, Adam's delightful awakening:

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STM:	EJACULATE!
KAREN:	Do you know what you just said?
ADAM:	... Jacket?
KAREN:	No. I don't think so.
ADAM:	I have a horrible feeling that I saw something horrible before I woke up.
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	I don't quite remember.
KAREN:	Well, what you said is a word that... sounds a little bit like jacket.
ADAM:	Maggot... Does it rhyme with jacket?
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Well, why don't you tell me what the word is.
KAREN:	Okay...
ADAM:	Are you cringing?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Aw, no. Is it that bad?
KAREN:	No, I guess not. Um, I'm pretty sure you just yelled "ejaculate."
ADAM:	That would make sense. I had that feeling that there was something horrible coming towards me.
KAREN:	Well, does that help you remember what you actually saw?
ADAM:	Probably a whole load of ejaculate.

Oct 17 2011

2011-10-17T07:36:00.007+01:00

"You know, the world will be a much better place when we get to eat vegetarians. Furthermore, you get your five-a-day with one of those."

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Just before we went to sleep, we were Skyping with my friend Jenny. Jenny, a vegetarian herself, signed off the conversation by saying, "Don't say anything mean about vegetarians tonight!" Apparently, STM doesn't take requests.

"Imay otay oingay... Oh, kids, just come out with it!"

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I was impressed at Adam managing to speak pig latin in his sleep, until I realized that he had thus far said "my toe going".

Oct 16 2011

2011-10-16T12:26:00.000+01:00

"Don't stand so close to me. You've even got my asshole dry-heaving. Move away."

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Ugh. I apologize for posting this.

Oct 15 2011

2011-10-15T12:29:00.000+01:00

"No one told me it was a bring your own rubber tortoise party."

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Oct 14 2011

2011-10-14T08:52:00.000+01:00

"OOH! Oh, that's interesting. The back of your head is really interesting. No, no, let me keep looking at the back of your head. That's it, yeah. Now, if you walk away as well, it's incredible. Yeah. Keep walking. Fantastic!"

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Oct 13 2011

2011-10-13T08:07:00.000+01:00

"I'm gonna need about five more arms, three eyes, and an eighth more brain. Yeah. And then I'll be a one-man X-Box ninja fighting army! Bring it on, bitches!"

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"Oh, jeez. You're so pathetic, you're permanently halfway towards pity sex."

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Oct 12 2011

2011-10-12T07:34:00.000+01:00

"Oh no. It looks like we've got one of those Play-Doh homicides. Poor little fellow never stood a chance against THE MALLET. Call in the clear-up team, this one's a little messy."

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We do play with Play-Doh every so often, and Adam likes to make creatures of various ilks. Here's one of his creations. This guy looks too cool to have been the victim.

Oct 11 2011

2011-10-11T07:56:00.001+01:00

"Ugh! Moses in a mosh pit, your breath stinks! Have you been sucking out my dog's anal gland? Pheeeeeeewww-eeee!"

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For those who, like us, have a doggie with an anal-gland issue, you can begin to imagine the horror of what that would taste like.

Also, I WILL find a way to use "Moses in a mosh pit" as an exclamation today.

"Sequins: A bag full of sparkly love. Mmm, sparkle sparkle. Yay! Sparkle sparkle..."

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Oct 10 2011

2011-10-10T07:51:00.003+01:00

"That's not a goody bag! That's a fucking old shite bag. Fucking plastic toy. Oooh, balloons. You can't give that shit away without expecting a kick in the nuts, now give me a fucking goody bag and make it full of goody!"

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This was from Saturday night. Adam's daughter had gone to a birthday party that day, from which she returned with what I deemed to be a perfectly respectable goody bag. Sounds like STM didn't agree.

And after watching The X-Factor for the first time:

"You know what's so amazing about your voice? No, neither do I. I was hoping you could enlighten me, 'cause personally, I think it's shite. Fuck ooooooffff, mutha-fuckaaa!"

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For those outside the UK, The X-Factor is like American Idol, but with much more varied contestants, and way more heart. We watched it because we were staying at Adam's parents' house, and they are big fans. Unfortunately for Adam, I think I'm hooked.

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ADAM:	(loud smack!)
KAREN:	(horrified gasp) Oh my god! Baby? What just happened?
ADAM:	Where are we?!
KAREN:	We're at your parents'.
ADAM:	Oh, it's not a bad dream. I really am here.
KAREN:	(giggles, then) Baby, what just connected with what?
ADAM:	Oh, yeah, that'd be my aching hand...
KAREN:	With what?
ADAM:	The solid wall.
KAREN:	Aww. Well, you know what, you were twitching and stuff.
ADAM:	So I was just twitching and then I lashed out? Nothing else?
KAREN:	No, I mean, you were talking.
ADAM:	Oh!
KAREN:	The last thing you said before you woke up, I think it was, (yawn) it was related to The X-Factor.
ADAM:	Oh you don't be serious, please no.
KAREN:	You said, "You know what's so amazing about your voice? Neither do I."
ADAM:	You know you can never post that, don't you? 'Cause I don't want anybody knowing that I watch The X-Factor, okay?

Oct 9 2011

2011-10-09T08:55:00.000+01:00

"Never, NEVER have a food fight with an octopus. Custard pie eight-shooter with deadly accuracy. Who invited him in the first place?"

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Oct 8 2011

2011-10-08T11:32:00.002+01:00

"That's an interesting perfume. What do you call it? Eau de Sweating Shit, maybe?"

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Ugh. Nice one.

Oct 7 2011

2011-10-07T07:23:00.004+01:00

"So the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after... Until the mermaid's brain exploded. The end."

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Aaaaaand the reveal:

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KAREN:	You also said, "the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after. Until her brain exploded. The end."
ADAM:	A twist on the... It's not a nice kind of story to tell kids.
KAREN:	Wouldn't it be funny if STM came in to do reading hour in a public library?
ADAM:	I did have to go to nursery to read the kids a story. Oh my God, I just remembered the story I read them. Okay, so, parents are invited to go and ready a story to their children's class at nursery. And they can come and read a book of their choice. Me being me, I wouldn't take any book. No. I brought the book about the story of the mole and the poo. It was about a mole who came out of the ground, and as he was poking his head out of the ground for the first time ever, something pooed on his head. And he had to go around to all different animals to find the different poos to work out who it was that pooed on his head. It was a great story. The kids loved it. The teacher's face was horrific. But once I started, they just couldn't stop me. Yeah... It wasn't called Who's Poo Is It Anyway... Oh! The Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business.
KAREN:	Come on.
ADAM:	Yup.
KAREN:	It's a book?
ADAM:	Yup. Soon to be a film, I'm sure. And so, he went to visit all the animals, and as he was exploring the poos there were sound effects to go with each.
KAREN:	Like SPLAT?
ADAM:	There was lots of splats or if it was a deer it was the pitter patter pitter patter, and he had to describe the shape and the color.
KAREN:	Oh my God.
ADAM:	I know! It was a great story. I thought it was hilarious.
KAREN:	Well, it's not just hilarious, it's educational.
ADAM:	Yeah. Especially kids that age. Toilet training and everything. I wanted to make poo fun!

Oct 6 2011

2011-10-06T07:35:00.002+01:00

"Seriously, the more questions you ask, the more reasons you give me to use your mouth as a piece of anal plumbing. Cock off!"

or click here

Am I the only one who had to puzzle this one out?

or click here

KAREN:	What exactly are you saying there? So you're going to... put something down their throat?
ADAM:	Use their mouth as a piece of anal plumbing...
KAREN:	Oh. Wait. Are you gonna poop into their mouth?
ADAM:	I think so...
KAREN:	Who's anus is it?
ADAM:	"Who's Anus Is It Anyway"! Um, if I'm going to be using their mouth as a piece of anal plumbing that would be—
KAREN:	Yes, okay, that means that you're going to—
ADAM:	My arse, their mouth.
KAREN:	Okay, yeah, I agree. This one requires—
ADAM:	A diagram?
KAREN:	Maybe it does.

Oct 5 2011

2011-10-05T08:26:00.000+01:00

"Wow. I can't believe I got punched in the face by a cow! Those bovines have bad attitudes. Total bitches. Oh, that's gonna leave a mark."

or click here

"I am the highwayman in a half shell. I'm Dick Terrapin. Scourge of the roads, nibbler of fingertips."

or click here

I presume those outside the UK won't get this one. Dick Turpin was England's most famous highwayman. Think of him as the Billy the Kid of the UK.

__________

Merch news: I've added some new quotes to the shop. You'll find "Why pray when you can google", "I've got some fabulous nail polish for that camel toe" and "You must have Imitation Bowel Syndrome"!

AND, Spreadshirt is doing a new promo: If you manage to spend $50 or £50, you get $10 or £10 off your order. Your order has to include a long-sleeved shirt (it's all about autumn), and it's only until Oct. 10.

Oct 4 2011

2011-10-04T08:41:00.001+01:00

"Yeah, okay, you're sorry. You're French, you've got to be fucking sorry! Mangetout twat."

or click here

Mangetout is the fancy-pants word for snap peas or snow peas.

"Red panda. Red panda!... Blue gazelle. Whoopie shit."

or click here

Oct 3 2011

2011-10-03T12:16:00.000+01:00

"It's the green cherries we need. They gotta be green. They gotta look like a pair of dead dog's testicles. Yeah. Just with a little bit of dangle. Not so much give. Yeah. Perfect."

or click here

Oct 2 2011

2011-10-02T14:26:00.000+01:00

"Wait, wait! No, wait... Oh, shit, I forget... Hang on... What is it? What is it? Think... Oh, I remember now: FUCK YOU! Glad I remembered that."

or click here

Oct 1 2011

2011-10-01T14:18:00.001+01:00

"I've got a solution to the problem. It's the only one that'll work. But you're gonna have to die. DIE JELLY BABY!! Hahahahaaaa. Yum yum yum. You're gonna have to die, too. And you. Not you, I don't like you. You're the red one, the red ones are horrid. You just get dried up in a corner. Yeah, ha ha."

or click here

Jelly Babies are much like gummi bears, except way creepier...

Sep 30 2011

2011-09-30T11:38:00.000+01:00

"Oh yeah. Like a typical woman, you've got something to say. And like a typical man, I won't pay attention. It's simple, it works."

or click here

"You're a wiffely-bobbly. Yes, a wibbly-bobbly. Stop with the wibbly-bobbly. (in a series of funny voices) Stop it I saaaaay! Stop iiiiit! Shtop it! Better, a little bit better. Better. Yes. Alright. Going to go it again!"

or click here

Sep 29 2011

2011-09-29T07:38:00.000+01:00

"Sure you've got a job here... if you wanna work somewhere where you're NOT FUCKING WELCOME."

or click here

"My meatballs taste better than yours. Oh, yes they do!"

or click here

Adam DID make Turkish meatballs the night before he said this. He had made some minor adjustments to his mother's recipe and, I must say, they were even better than hers (sorry, Sandy)!