I am speaking to you from the past! We're off camping for the weekend, so this has been pre-scheduled from the nest-egg. In honor of the fact that we're sleeping in the woods:"If a mozzie sucked the blood of a junkie, would it get high? Or would it see things? Fucking hate mozzies. Hope they get addicted."
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"Seriously, do the words 'You're an idiot' confuse you? Yeah, you see you're sweating now. Typical..... See? Even Google's got you on its list of fuck-ups."
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"Monkeys don't lay eggs. That's in act two. It shows you how difficult it is for them to be surrogate parents. The hippos are in trouble, but, yeah, they'll find somebody's little baby for them."
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"Is it a bird? Is it- Oh. It's Koala Man. Asleep in the branches again, and probably pissed. What an embarrassment to superhero-kind."
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"It's amazing how you can smell so bad, but still be alive."
or click here"Yeah, I'm taking my gluteus maximus to the max."
or click here"Well, so what you call me fat. I'll forget you even existed the next time I see a doughnut."
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Here's what my loving husband had to say as our one-year Anniversary dawned this morning..."Today couldn't have been any more perfect. Knowing you were on a slow train in hell, oh, that would be the cherry."
or click here"Finger painting's fun. I need to get some more fingers, though. Give me your fingers. Oh fuck it, I'll just cut 'em off. You've got pretty fingers. I can do some pretty painting with those pretty fingers. Toes, I can use toes! Yay! I'm sorted. Fingers and toes."
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At least he thinks my fingers are pretty.
"No. Don't look up. They're in the trees. Those tree cows. They're a deadly shot. They'll get you in the eyes. Get them down with threats of violence. And a bucket of grass, of course."
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That was in the dead middle of the night. Hours later, around 8am, I started gently stroking Adam's arm to wake him up:
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| STM: | STOP LICKING! (I hear "Stop looking") |
| KAREN: | I wasn't looking. I- |
| ADAM: | Cows are licking! |
| KAREN: | Licking? |
| ADAM: | Licking! |
| KAREN: | I was petting you. |
| ADAM: | You were licking me! |
| KAREN: | I was not licking you. My tongue was firmly ensconced in my mouth, and I was just using my hand to slightly- |
| ADAM: | It was wet. |
| KAREN: | -pet you. It- Uh- it's, nope, not wet. I'm pretty sure. See? Dry. |
| ADAM: | It's early, isn't it? |
| KAREN: | No... |
| ADAM: | You're bored. |
| KAREN: | No... |
| ADAM: | You've been up for a while. |
| KAREN: | Yes. |
| ADAM: | You're bored. |
| KAREN: | It's... time. Now shut up and hug me. |
(in response to me sniffling from hay fever) "Don't cry. S'okay. You've got an important role to play. You're cannon fodder. Now be good and stand still."
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"No. No! Not the spatula. No! The spatula strikes back!"
or click here"Well there, Mr. Mistoffelees. Not so clever now then, are you? Oh well. Mashed-up roadkill, Mr. Cadaverlies."
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"Mmmm. Hot dang! You look hot! And when I say hot, I mean... shite. Steamy, wet, stinky shite."
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"Hmmm.... PVC and duct tape... Superhero, or evil mastermind? I can't decide."
Oops, I drifted off and forgot to press "record" so I missed that one."Those gophers are back. I like 'em though. They're cheeky and cuddly. But they make a mess. Mmmmm. They need energy for the chase tomorrow."
or click here(Big wacky yawn. Then sort of singing) "Doo... Doo... Do you want to eat me? Hmm? Gobble me up? Chew on my hindquarters? Do you? WELL COCK OFF YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE NOT TASTING MY MEAT! Fucking eat something else. I'm as tough as leather. Grrr. (sigh)"
or click here"WILL YOU GET COMFORTABLE!? Christ almighty. Uch... Right, that's better. Now we can begin!"
At this point, I turned over, ONE SINGLE TIME.
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"I'm sure you'll be thrilled and ecstatic at the thought of going out with me. But look at it from my point of view: Leeches attached to my testicles and a mass of flesh-eating caterpillars and ants over the rest of my body, gorging themselves on my flesh. A slow and ultimately painful death. So I hope you can see my point of view. It'll be a no to going out with you. Now run along and poison somebody else's life."
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"I'm just a chubby ninja. Able to move between skinny people. Tiptoeing elephant. No one can see me. And then I attack! With ice cream and jelly, with chocolate sprinkles on top. Mmmmm."
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"You know it's time to get up when you've got cold butt cheeks. Nothing worse. Goddamnit, I married you, the least you can do is lay across my ass and make 'em warm. Nothing else is working. (fiercely demanding) Warm my bottom, woman! Okay, I'm sorry. (whining pathetically) I don't like a cold bottom."
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By this point, I was feeling a moral imperative to cover Adam's exposed ass. I got out of bed, picked up the blanket, walked around to his side of the bed, and laid the blanket very gently on top of him...
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Before transcribing, I just want to mention here that, generally speaking, I do not use the word "bottom" among adults. I was merely quoting Adam.
For those who are only reading, just imagine that "(laughing)" is added in at every line.
| ADAM: | Ah! What'choo doing? What are you doing?! |
| KAREN: | You- You've just been talking on and on about your cold bottom! You've been- |
| ADAM: | Go away! It's not cold, it's airing. |
| KAREN: | You- Adam, listen to me- |
| ADAM: | What? |
| KAREN: | You even said, "I married you, the least you can do is lie across me and warm my bottom." And I started to feel so bad, that I finally decided to come cover your- cover your ass. |
| ADAM: | You decided to wake me up. |
| KAREN: | No- Adam- |
| ADAM: | You attacked me with the blanket. |
| KAREN: | Adam, why would I- why would I ever wake you up when you're talking and I want you to keep talking? |
| ADAM: | No, my bottom's not cold, I like to air it. It has a mass so great, it gets so hot anyway. |
| KAREN: | Adam, I'm trying to tell you- |
| ADAM: | Listen baby, come- I love you and I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but you woke me up. |
| KAREN: | Well, I didn't know what to do. You just kept going on and on about it. |
| ADAM: | I go on and on about lots of things, most of the time you ignore me. |
| KAREN: | But this time- I mean, this one seemed relevant to real life. I looked over and saw that it was in fact exposed. And then I started to feel so bad. You said, "I don't like having a cold bottom," and so I came to cover it because I was worried about you. |
| ADAM: | That I'd get hypothermia of the ass? |
| KAREN: | I didn't like you sounding so distressed. |
| ADAM: | Oh, but baby, you threw the blanket on top of me. |
| KAREN: | I laid it- You perceive that, but I actually laid it very gently. |
| ADAM: | Oh, I felt like I was attacked by a heavy flat thing. |
"Oh that hobbit loving. Taking it one little step at a time."
or click here"Get him outta here. That dirty little rabbit worrier. Leave those twitchy tails alone. Fluffy little bunnykins. Who'd want to make you so anxious? You've got enough to worry about. Oh, hoppity."
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And here is us waking up.
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