20100127

Jan 27 2010

"They're not smile lines, they're stretch marks. Cock sucker."

"My donkey. That's MY donkey. Get off my donkey! You know, you're not some superstar donkey jockey. Piss off."
 or click here


"Yes, I can get away with wearing leather chaps. Just not on a windy day."

129 comments:

  1. You are a consumer of the drug known as crack.

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  2. My favorite one is number 3 today :)

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  3. Whats a chap?
    And I love the donkey one. :)

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  4. I think the donkey one is my new favourite

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  5. Emma, these are leather chaps:
    http://www.leatherparadise.com/images/619_front.jpg

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  6. Hahaha, I do not tire from reading these. Adam you are surely a comdeian in your sleep.

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  7. "They're not smile lines, they're stretch marks. Cock sucker."

    I have GOT to figure out a way to work this line into a conversation somehow. Do you think Adam would be mad if I stole this quote? :p

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  8. My friend showed my ur site i've been lol for a hour thannks is way funny i have a friend that talks in his sleep too he didn't believe me till i typed him way funny look forward to next post.

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  9. As real as a heart-attack; it was so funny to see it from the other side; my WIFE is the sleeptalkinwoman in our case; the bizarre part to me is that she does it in english when her native language is indonesian!

    anyhow a couple fun ones to share with the crowd:

    [note: (parenthesis means I talked to urge a response). It amazes me that i can say something or ask a question and get a response.]

    May 26, 2009 1:16

    There is a war in Vegas
    I don't want to go there its too hot
    Have to eat ice cream every day
    Tuna ice cream
    With ketchup and sour kraut
    Feed it to tally
    There are too many monkeys on the plane i don't like it
    Lets switch planes
    Daddy lets get a different plane they're are too many monkeys in here

    Jan 17, 2009 21:35
    Tell her to be careful

    (Who?)
    Danielle
    She's going by the coconut tree
    She's sick, she shouldn't be climbing a coconut tree
    The tree is very tall
    We need some coconut ice cream
    Coconut ice cream and pineapple beer

    I need $100
    (What for?)
    Getting more pineapples for making pineapple beer

    {giggles}

    It's for Jr's wedding

    (anything else we need)

    Air balloons
    Air balloons for the dogs
    For the noisy dogs

    Circus

    With giraffe and cats and dogs and alligator and Batman and superman and ducks and Ironman and dinosaurs

    [in actuality there were at least five-six more animals; i just couldn't keep up; i was tapping on my iPhone]

    I'm thirsty
    (why are you thirsty)
    Climbing up coconut tree with Danielle, so tall

    You're fat

    Superman is flying too far

    My wife only talks about 1x per week on average while i'm awake, but when she does; usually about 5 minutes max a night and usually shortly after falling asleep, but can be any time; i 'pull all-nighters' working on my laptop in bed and she can start up at 4:30 am. Often she is frantically dodging 'the bad guys' while sleeping with some very worried vocalizations but not words as a precursor to the start of talking.

    I never thought to actually make a blog but may just have to do that; thanks for the inspiration.

    -awr

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  10. addendum; I had a roommate back in college who also used to talk in his sleep; caused him problems as a teenager 'cause he would let out secrets to his parents that got him in trouble. Anyhow, one late night while I was working, he was layin' on the couch watching TV and suddenly out of the blue i hear spot-on bevis and butt-head impressions; i actually thought the show started, and it turned out to be my roommate dead asleep recanting B&BH in his sleep!

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  11. Glad I found your blog! You've given the wife and I quite a few laughs. Thanks!

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  12. andrew, your wife's ranting is also hilarious, I wonder if Karen has ever tried to ask questions. My brother talks in his sleep but its total gibberish, almost like another language, but if i keep ask something like, "what'd ya say?" i can sometimes keep him goin for up to 15 min, lol. keep us posted on here if you decide to make your own blog!

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  13. Plastic pie, plastic pie,
    Shot a spastic in the eye.
    Jesus heal'd that spastic's eye!
    Pretty, pretty plastic pie.

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  14. Surely the leather chaps one should be on a t shirt!

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  15. Adam you're hilarious, I loved the audio clip about the duck so much I use it as my text message tone on my phone. Donkey one was hilarious, I've spent the last 10mins laughing my head off!

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  16. "you're not some super-star donkey jockey"

    Love it. I want that on a T-shirt.

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  17. That's greatness!

    He's very possessive about his animals isn't he!!

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  18. Thank you, I absolutely love the quotes! Gives me a fantastic belly laugh daily.

    I only wish my husband had found my 'sleep talking' as entertaining, sadly I don't talk, I sing.. in a creepy childlike voice in an unknown language. No humor when my sub-conscious starts cleaning house, pretty sure if I were to send in a recording of my sleep singing to a movie theater it would be a theme song for the next big horror movie! Upside is, I do mix in some giggles... likely only makes it creepier for others listening in though.

    Back on track, the donkey quote has me cracking up all over again. Fantastic stuff!

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  19. My husband sometimes mumbles in French while he's sleeping; I don't speak French though, so I never have any idea what he's saying. I've tried getting him to translate, but it always wakes him up.

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  20. This is brilliant. OMG Karen, you must have sooooo much fun in the mornings. Getting to tell Adam what he's been blathering on about.
    The first time I looked @ your Blog I read every one....I had a pretty hard time after the first couple or so...I was crying from laughing so hard....
    AWESOME.

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  21. you know what would be hilarious is if you two incidently talked to one another in your sleep... (saying something that sparked a reaction from the other) lol that would be pure awsomeness to hear that conversation... :)

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  22. Before me and my boyfriend lived together he used to be exhausted from the trip to come visit me so when he fell asleep he would mumble some pretty curious things...

    a few of my favourites:
    "Lissssssten to my essssssssssseessssssss"
    "The Chimpanzees are in the cages...separate the plates of sugar and salt!"
    "A Garfield and a Hippo...that's so fucking Hippo" (We had won a plush orange cat and a hippo out of one of those grab machines earlier that night)

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  23. Hey Adam don't you ever dare to THINK of cheating!

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  24. roflmbo ohhh I love the donkey and teh chaps one hilarious. I agree both shirt material absolutely...

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  25. If you notice in the audio, there is a sharp intake of breath before each line.. I do that too when I talk in my sleep. My girlfriend thinks that when my breathing slows down and I'm gasping for a breath, it triggers something in me to talk.. I have said some pretty incoherent stuff.. Nothing as brilliant as these.. "Butt cheeks ahoy. Thar she blows!"

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  26. As a newly bearded man I've been dining out on the pirate talk... "MY boat, MY rules". But now I think I have to get a donkey so I can pull out the "you're not some super-star donkey jockey". Love it!

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  27. I also love "Badger tickling. Proceed with caution?" It almost sounds like Adam is reading it from a sign and is slightly incredulous as to the fact that he must "proceed with caution". I love it!

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  28. I have to agree, the donkey one should go on a shirt or something. My Fiance talks in his sleep too, and sometimes it's hilarious, so finding this on "Blogs of Note" was a goldmine, we read what adam had to say and we were cracking up till we had tears in our eyes. the soundbites made it even sweeter

    thanks for the jolt of comedey that can get us though a tough day

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  29. The donkey one is my new favourite!

    "Get off my donkey!" Should be on a shirt!

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  30. "Yes, I can get away with wearing leather chaps. Just not on a windy day."

    The biggest laugh for me was just imagining the look on Adam's face when he found out he said this. *chuckles* I can only think of his reaction to the 'Cockhunter' line, and imagine the same fear/disbelief at the leather chaps line.

    Good morning from Ottawa, Ontario....though afternoon your time.

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  31. was feeling down but this site always puts a smile on my face. Oh the first ones so rude.lol

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  32. I've never heard my boyfriend angry before, but one night, after a few hours of sleeping, he woke me by cussing repeatedly saying "G-d Dammit! I asked him waht was wrong and he woudln't answer me, so I kept asking as I was really concerned at this point...his response was (in an angry voice mind you)"I don't have to tell you everything." When we woke up I told him all about it and he said he had no idea what I was talking about, nor did he recall having any dreams that night. It's still a little weird to me and it's the only time it's happened in 4 months of living together, but I guess all we can do is laugh about it.

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  33. I'm glad you posted a few audio clips. Now when I read these, I can hear Adam's deep, sleepy voice in my head, with the right accent, and they're even funnier. More audio, please!

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  34. I happened to find your blog today and after the third post I decided it would be a good idea to follow you. Made my mildly crappy morning significantly less crappy! Best to you and yours!

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  35. YAY! i love coming back to this blog to find a few days worth of quotes. Thanks for putting up the audio as well! And i'm also glad they don't all start playing when I come onto the site haha.

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  36. Please don't ever stop posting these! This is better than youtubing pranks and laughing histerically. LOVE IT!

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  37. I was turned on to your blog after seeing you both on The Today Show. This is great!! I am looking at the t-shirts and they are hilarious. My husband loves shirts like that with random quotes. Hmmm...Valentine's Day is coming up. :)

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  38. thanks again for the laughs, I needed that. I am still smiling. more recordings, please!

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  39. Karen, could you put the donkey one on audio please?! lol I'd love to hear it

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  40. Okay, that donkey comment is another great one-I think it's made it's way to my top 10 list. LOL

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  41. Hilarious!!!! I love reading your blog every morning, it's such a fun start to my day. :)
    Since I found our blog, I've had to wipe my laptop clean from all the tea I spew out my nose every time I read a new post.
    I enjoy reading some of the comments too. Keep doing what you're doing! Fabulous!

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  42. I just Found your blog today and read quite aways back. I had to stop to wipe the tears of laughter every few moments. I love it! Keep doing your thing!

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  43. i have to tell you guys,"super-star donkey jockey" is my new favorite STM phrase. I almost dies when I heard it! -Karen

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  44. Funny stuff. I am glad the Mrs. is not writing things down here.

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  45. U will be the one to fall first! Faster and heavier!

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  46. Sleep Talkin' Man has competition.... Sleep Talkin' Dog

    SleepTalkinDog.com

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  47. Even if this is some elaborate prank, you have to be pretty clever to come up with really really random shit every day.

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  48. Absolutely hilarious, haha. I love the donkey one the most.

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  49. next time anyone tries to tell me i have wrinkles i'll just tell them they are strechmarks. hahah.

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  50. Yep the chaps is my favorite today!

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  51. lol funny funny funny...im new to this blogging thing i just wrote my first one check it out and comment....peace

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  52. I am a hunky-dory donkey jockey, thank-you-very-much.

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  53. You are just tooooo funny Adam! I am now a devoted follower. Excuse me while I move my duck...

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  54. "...Get off my donkey....."

    Farking priceless!

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  55. www.elsa89.blogg.se27 January 2010 at 20:19

    I love this blog!
    But dude, your boyfriend has got some twisted thoughts in his head :P

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  56. Still love the duck one. Gotta have it as a ring tone.

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  57. I found this blog spot a few days ago, have passed it on to dozens of people, and simply cannot get enough! Keep up the sleep talking, I need entertainment!

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  58. ok i finally broke,,,,i just had to see more of his ramblings....pure gold :)

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  59. thats better....not anon now....back to readin pure gold :)

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  60. I never get tired of reading these! I have to check every morning when I get up now so that I can see what he said in his sleep! Wonderful!

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  61. WARNING: Don't buy the mugs!! Repeat DO NOT buy the mugs. I ordered a mug and it arrived in a small flat box. I eagerly opened it to find a small mirror inside!

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  62. hahaha raveydv, it took me a while but eventually i got it!! nice one. adam

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  63. fyi, if u want to know, my attorney said get more evidences then file the federal suit against u!

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  64. My donkey! My rules!

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  65. I sometimes wake up in fits of hysterical laughter for no apparent reason but this is much much funnier!

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  66. Judging from the random nature of some of these Anon. commenters (crack? fall? federal suit?), one has to wonder if we aren't witnessing an epidemic of sleep-posting as well...... 7@=Q

    Yeah, it's the old, old story: everybody wants to ride the donkey.....

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  67. This is absolutely brilliant!

    A gem!

    Oh and for shameless publicity, how about try us for size. Obviously nowhere as amazing as your site by he, hope we crack a smile or three?

    http://www.readthisorelse.com/

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  68. It's wonderful how these can stay so fresh! Today's quotes are just hilarious.

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  69. these are hilarious! donkey dreams <3 fabulous.

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  70. i can only imagine how much funnier this would be if there was a british accent in my head.

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  71. raveydv said...

    WARNING: Don't buy the mugs!! Repeat DO NOT buy the mugs. I ordered a mug and it arrived in a small flat box. I eagerly opened it to find a small mirror inside!

    Penny said...

    I don't get it....
    27 January 2010 22:22

    Penny, "mug" is slang for 'face', so, if you look into the mirror, you'd see your face (ie 'mug'). Like Adam, it took me a bit of time, but I did get the joke eventually.

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  72. 1st Feb, Phantom of the internet book
    1st Mar, present info to COPS
    1st Apr, Write to the PRESIDENT

    2nd FEB, 2001, say bye bye to free life!

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  73. the audio doesn't seem to be working for me... something wrong with it?

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  74. Adam, have you ever thought of keeping a daily journal (events, experiences, foods) to see if it synchronizes with your dreams? It would be an interesting foot note to read if you decided to do it and post the results.

    I did journal for a while and did find that I often incorporate daily, weekly and news events into my dreams too. I used to wake up to the BBC World News and found myself incorporating the news into my dreams. Often at that time it was Maggie Thatcher versus the Parliment. In my dream they bullied her horribly. :) My dreams very rarely come with a sound-track like yours. Mine are all purely video. I am quite sure my husband is thankful for this as well, especially since often my dreams could parallel that of the nightmares of H.R. Geiger. (He created art that inspired the movie "Alien"). Not exactly restful sleep.

    Speaking of restful: You are a lucky man to have such a understanding and patient, albeit sleep-deprived, wife. :)

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  75. 28 January 2010 01:03
    Anonymous said... (delete)

    I will never understand why anyone like this person bothers to come back here if they don't like what they see. Ah, yes, they are working the troll detail.

    To the last poster - I had a therapist who recommended my keeping a tape recorder by the bed, so that when I woke up in the middle of a dream, I could quickly make a voice recording about it. THAT was freaky - as the person speaking didn't sound like me, and the content of the dream was frightening. Now - I just have fun dreams that I wish wouldn't float away so quickly.

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  76. Karen - Adam

    I would buy several t-shirts but need to find more 3XXX choices. Is there some way in the ordering process to direct the saying on a shirt?? You have a wonderful long list - but they aren't on the things I would use - like the lentil one on apron. Put that on a 3xxx T and it is MINE!!!!

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  77. I'm a dork! I JUST finally got the donkey jockey one! *blush.

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  78. Dads in hospital getting cemo at 67, told him some of Adam lines, we laughed and laughed, humor is best medicine, "They're not smile lines, they're stretch marks. Cock sucker."
    hahahahhahahahhah
    Christine, St. John's NFLD

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  79. Great stuff! I'm a sleep talker/walker. earlyer this week I woke myself up laughing, creepy. I dont say anything to crazy....I dont think. My Old roommate was a sleep talker too. One night i broke out in hives and I was asking her for help. We had a full conversation, in the morning she remembered nothing. Its crazy what the human brain can do when we are asleep.

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  80. I try to look at the haters as amusing, but I can't manage it, they irritate the crap out of me.

    It's not politics, or religion, Adam and Karen aren't arguing for anyone to 'believe' or in any way trying to 'sell' their stuff. They make stuff available, and have very nicely responded to reader input and actually changed/added to what is available at our request.

    The one thing that is funny, is that the trolls/haters look soooooo stupid, because while they go on and on about it being fake, and we are sheep, and we are wasting our money.... they are TOTALLY missing the facts that:
    1) many many many of us either sleep talk or know people who do, so therefor we KNOW that people can sleep talk in full clear sentences, that ego/swearing/absurd are common, and that some people do sleep talk most nights
    2) many many people don't care about 'fake'/'not fake' they find it funny, give props whether subconscious or not, and like the humor
    3)if we CHOOSE to spend money, we are not doing it based on 'oh, it must be real, therefor I must buy something'... whether a person thinks its real, or not, they are buying it because they think it is funny. The same way they'd buy something from others funny tshirt places online, or in the mall.

    Personally, I think STM is pure Adam's subconscious while he is asleep, I think it was brilliant of Karen to think of blogging what he says, and I can't wait for my BADGERTASTIC messenger bag, that has 'Badgertastic' on it!

    Okay, I feel better now that I ranted about the trolls.

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  81. omg i would love to know what's going on inside Adam's brain during sleep. i think Discovery Health should do a special on you! =D

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  82. I wonder if you have tried offering earplugs to decrease the comments while you are on the computer playing games and such while Adam in sleeping. Of course, I don't know why you would....these are side splitting!!

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  83. If I get a vote for a T-shirt, I want "Skipping to work makes everything better". I have four others in my shopping cart right now, but want to wait for this one before ordering (and shipping to the US).

    (Honestly I thought I'd lost my sense of humor lately until I found this site, some of this stuff just makes me completely crack up, yet it's quite "familiar" in an offbeat way!)

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  84. my friend just sent me your blog. Thank you for sharing this. I have not laughed this hard in a long time. I hope you get some sleep but love that you are sharing with us :)

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  85. Aw, Horse (02:38) don't let them spoil ANY of your fun! No, no, no. If you do... you're done for. Done for. Vampire Penguins... Zombie Guinea Pigs. :D

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  86. "AdamKare"...you two are peas in a pod that split open a chapter on the internet that took us away from ourselves yesterday, today and still yet, tomorrow...unwittingly creativly as it unravelled into GREAT peasome soup...that's peace, love <3 and a touchs of salt and pepper to spice our curiosity of this hidden language...

    Hope, don't stop cuz we'll never get enough of your "lentiling muses" to us (finding a way to lentil-over your skills together...hee,hee)

    ...hava question now...i'm sure we'd love to have a 2-sided saying on a T-Shirt with the bubble quotes...can u offer this, it would be double the fun for sure!?...on the sleeves bubble would be the icing on the cake, special, unique and all 360 degrees of spreading the joy!

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  87. Lol! I love it! Oh, and to the Anonymous writer at the top, you spelled it wrong. It's craic, not crack. Irish for a good time, and pronounced the same way as crack. For example: "That's good craic", "Let's find some craic", "The craic is mighty!". It's alright, everybody makes a typo every now and then! We won't hold it against you!

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  88. A friend of mine just found this blog and sent me the link. Seriously cracked me up reading back through it all.

    On a similar note, several years ago after buying a horse without consulting my hubby first, we had a lengthy, in depth discussion about it a couple nights before I was to go pick her up. I asked him questions, he answered and asked a few questions of his own. Everything was coherent and clearly stated. This went on for about an hour and a half. I even told him if he didn't want me to take the horse I would call in the morning and halt the deal. He said, "No way! You're not pinning this one on me!"

    The next morning he had no recollection of anything that had been said. Nothing. And yes, I got the horse. She was supposed to be a 'flip' for resale. Some 5 years later- she's still here.

    Keep posting, truth is stranger than fiction. Love the donkey jockey statement. That one is priceless.

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  89. Horse Of Another Colour said...
    raveydv said...

    WARNING: Don't buy the mugs!! Repeat DO NOT buy the mugs. I ordered a mug and it arrived in a small flat box. I eagerly opened it to find a small mirror inside!

    Penny said...

    I don't get it....
    27 January 2010 22:22

    Penny, "mug" is slang for 'face', so, if you look into the mirror, you'd see your face (ie 'mug'). Like Adam, it took me a bit of time, but I did get the joke eventually.

    Well guy's it's really quite simple! another slang term for "Mug" is "gullible person" someone who will believe anything no matter how far fetched! Now reviev the joke Raveydv sent! ;)

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  90. Don't you all feel you're all being manipulated by people trying to sell T-shirts and get a book bought by publishers?

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  91. Hmmm. I know from comments that people don't feel they're all being manipulated by people trying to sell T-shirts and get a book bought by publishers. And I'd feel quite sad if they did come to feel that.

    We don't hide from the fact that we're seizing on all of the attention that the blog is getting to do what we can with it. Yes, it would be really cool to have a book of Adam's sleep talking out there, to think that it is sitting on coffee tables around the country, or even the world. But trying to make something of the blog's popularity and being decent honest people are not mutually exclusive. And I'm really glad that our supporters seem to have figured that out.

    Thanks everyone.

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  92. I love the one about the chaps. I picture Adam wandering around in a windstorm just wearing his leather chaps...lmao!

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  93. this totally makes my day! I can't get enough! Can't wait to get a T-shirt.Thank you for sharing this with the world!!:)

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  94. If you have quicktime installed and are still having trouble listening to this right click on it and open frame in new tab. Then it should work.

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  95. You're not some super star donkey jockey....that's my new fave. thanks for the audio. HILARIOUS

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  96. My girlfriend and I read this every morning - she's on the east coast and I'm in the midwest. It's our daily comic strip! Thanks for the great laughs :)

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  97. this is classic..... my dad talks in his sleep, as does my sister, but it would only be loved by the psychotically deranged.... unless he is doing the chicken dance, or running then its hilarious....

    I can't even give an example of what they say because its filled with profanity.... but if they both fall asleep in the livingroom, one will start swearing out loud and the other answers and then they are yelling at eachother in their sleep while thinking they are yelling at whoever in their dreams, messed up to watch really.... lol!

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  98. I love how gently he says things. He's so soft-voiced and peaceful-sounding and he's like, "piss off". LOL

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  99. Thanks for putting up the audio!
    Loved it!

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  100. His accent only makes it all better. This is so entertaining. I have made you guys a morning favorite. Thanks all the way from San Jose, Ca. Keep em coming please. And I hope you don't mind, I use some of his quotes as my status update on Facebook. I especially loved the one about wearing chaps but not on a windy day. LOL

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  101. I'm so glad I found this site.

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  102. this site is def a fav!!!!!! peace from denver co!!!

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  103. Please make the chaps comment a quote on a T-Shirt! I would wear that one with pride. :D

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  104. The sound didn't work for the donkey comment. BTW, the Duck comment is my favorite one by far. It's hilarious the way he says "totally irresponsible".

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  105. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE VOICE RECORDING!! MORE MORE MORE!!

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  106. Love the leather chaps one - agree with eeryone else, we need that one... maybe on leather chaps?

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  107. Audio worked for me by right clicking, choosing zoom then playing the audio in the full screen.

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  108. I love the chaps comment and, unlike others, did not picture Adam en costume. I pictured some of my friends though and couldn't stop laughing!

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  109. For those of you who think this is a crass attempt to make money and rip off the rest of us...haven't you ever heard the saying, "If you can't say something nice about a person, don't say it."? Why are you even bothering to read this blog? Just let the rest of us enjoy ourselves, okay?

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  110. Yes, please, put "skipping to work" on a T-shirt!!!!

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  111. HOLY CRAP THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

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  112. Perhaps he has Turrets??? Funny though...K

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  113. All the audio aren't working anymore. :(

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  114. "Smile lines" is my favorite so far!

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  115. I never sleep talk, barely even make a sound so my partner was baffled when this happened.

    I had gone for a nap and asked him to wake me in a bit. When he came in to wake me an hour later, he was in stitches:

    Him "Come on honey, time to get up now"
    Me "We have to make sure they weigh the same"
    Him "Huh?"
    Me (sounding panicked) "you heard, they must weigh the same"
    Him "what must"
    Me "the bottle of sauce..."
    Him "Ok, confused"

    He left the room laughing and told the story to my brother. After a half hour he came back to wake me again...

    Him "Honey, its been an extra half hour, get up now"
    Me "Alun, we must make them weigh the same"
    Him (laughing and stunned that Im still dreaming the same) "Whaaat"
    Me "we must make sure it weighs the same as the bottle of sauce"
    Him "what?"
    Me "The cheese"
    Him "Erupting with laughter "What, why?"
    Me: "We just have to, if we lay the cheese on the scales we can put enough sauce in until the scales are level"

    At this point he was really laughing at me and I was angry. He started to tell my brother what was happening and they were both laughing at me. I was confused as my suggestion was really great in dream land, and to me they were mocking it. I had no idea they were just laughing at me because I was sleep-talking, and that I was talking jibberish. I fell back asleep, woke a bit later and when I got up, they had forgotten and I didn't remember it until later. When I asked, laughter again, and they relayed it to me. I explained why I was so mad at them, and we were all friends again!!!

    It was just so bizarre. It was like I was discussing a dream whilst being half asleep but I didn't know about it. Confused.com.

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  116. Sadly, my daughter has threatened to start a blog like this one for the times that I talk in my sleep.

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  117. Apparently his donkey is very important!

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  118. smile lines=stretch marks (around the mouth). . .

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