20100531

May 31, 2010

"Check out that crab, and his oh-so-sideways attitude. Dipshit. No one's impressed."
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"Damn squid. Damn squid. Smells like she sea shit- sea shit- shit sea... damn. Fuck it. Smelly."
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I'm going to interject here and mention that we spent the day wandering around the banks of the river with Adam's kids yesterday, digging up little crabs and other water-life. Now, that first quote was in the dead of night, maybe 3 am. Cut ahead to 9 am, I start stroking Adam's forehead to wake him up, and:

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For those of you without audio, Adam has just yelled out "CRAB" in response to my loving caresses, thereby proving that crustaceans were the overarching theme of the night's imaginings. This audio also demonstrates how utterly adorable my husband is.

20100530

May 30 2010

"Yeah, I say, clean your teeth with pie crust. Shiny. Shiny shiny."
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Karen's notes: Apparently, no sleep the night before means too-deep-sleep-for-talking the night after. Poor Adam was exhausted.

This one goes back a few weeks. Advice that Adam picked up from his dentist, obviously.

For those who expressed concern, Adam's son is feeling better, we did stick him back in with his sister last night, and everyone got a great night's sleep. (Except Molly, the dog, who came into our room in the middle of the night, presumably because Adam's son's snoring was keeping her up.)

20100529

May 29 2010

"Would you do me the honour of fucking off to the other side of the world, and staying there for the rest of your miserable life? Thank you!"
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Karen's notes: No sleep talking last night because... no sleep! Poor Adam. His son is sick this weekend, so he slept with Adam in case he had a tough night, and I slept with my step-daughter. Not only was the recorder filled with hours of raucous snoring, but it turns out that his son is a duvet ninja! He can swipe that cover away faster than a hummingbird's wings. And, on top of being bombarded with the adenoidal cacophony, and being fully exposed to the cold night air, Adam also got punched in the back a few times.

Thank god his daughter sleeps like the dead. we'll stick them back together tonight. How else will the rest of us stay entertained?

20100528

May 28 2010

"I need a mask; nun-chucks; rubber suit; shitloads of talc. Got list, will shop. It's a superhero shopping list, shithead."

"You want an ending? How's this for a fucking ending....... Left you hanging, didn't it?"
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Karen's notes: Sorry, the audio recording for the superhero shopping list was just too muddled to include. Luckily, I ALWAYS WAKE UP when Adam starts talking, so I can decipher the questionable parts from memory.

By the way, Adam actually could find all these things at one of my old haunts, the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Company, a delightful store that is a front for something far more sinister (cue dramatic music)! If you're in the area, you should go check it out, and ask to see the secret chambers.


20100527

May 27 2010

"Well that certainly was an interesting use for a banana. Now go wash your hands. And burn the banana."
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Karen's notes: Oh my. What can I possibly say about this?

Merch news: So many people asked for "whoever invented calories" shirts and mugs, I rushed it into the shops. The buy-4-get-1-free offer ends tomorrow, for anyone who was hoping to take advantage of it. Hey, another way to look at it? Buy 20, get 5 free. Buy them for your whole company, your entire extended family, all the guests at your wedding, the population of a small third-world nation! Just think of the savings!

20100526

May 26 2010

"Whoever invented calories is gonna get their face fucked with ice cream cake."
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Karen's notes: No chattering last night. This is from the nestegg.

A few months ago, Adam actually did smush an entire chocolate cake into his 2nd cousin's face, just for fun. (Well, you insisted he wouldn't, so it really was your fault, Gaby.) My point is, Adam knows something about this cake-in-face thing.

20100525

May 25 2010

(I open the laptop in bed) "Mmmm, balls of light. Bibble bobbly bibble. Bibble bobble." (I quickly close it again out of guilt) "Oh, it's burst! I hope it enjoyed itself whilst it was around."
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(I think, screw the guilt, I'm bored, and open the laptop again. Adam sings:) "Here comes the sun. Hmm hmm hmm hmm. Here comes the sun, and I say... Hmmm. I said something. I forget what. Not important now."
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"I do stuff. Cool stuff. Not the pathetic crappy little stuff that you're so fucking proud of, fuck face."
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"Wow! You came! Everybody, everybody. After three, say: What the fuck are YOU doing here?"
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"That's a tortoise. Say it: TOR TOISE. Not a turtle. That's why your turtle sank. Poor tortoise. Never stood a chance."
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20100524

May 24 2010

"Why must I choose? Dog or fish. Dog or fish... Fish... ARGH, I get it wrong every time!"
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That beauty was from the night before last. Last night was a quiet one.

Now, check out this weirdness. This is from May 18:
"Oh allergies. Come in and make yourself at home, and really fuck up my summer."
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and this is from May 15:

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(For those who don't have access to audio, this is Adam saying almost exactly the same thing, three days earlier. What a truly odd husband I have.
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Shameless merch update: New stuff in the shops! I added these to shirts and mugs:
"Christ on a bike!"
"Your blue sky thinking is blighted with dark clouds of piss-poor ideas."
"They're not love handles. I've got love impact protection barriers."
"Keep close to me. My love is infectious, and there's no cure."
"Jellyfish are attacking. Everybody grab your ice cream guns!"
And there's only 4 DAYS LEFT for the buy-four-get-one-free special on shirts in the US shop. US $ customers, use code MAYSHIRTS, Canadian $ customers use CADMAYSHIRTS.

20100523

May 23 2010

"Where's the beef? Where's the beef? All is can see is cheese. Just cheese. Stop melting the beef! Cheesy fucking beef."
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"There are certain rules to throwing a party. Rule one: invite me. Rule two? Make sure you do rule one."
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"This is your life. Ugly, pitiful, stupid little thing, isn't it."
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"Put the jelly through the strainer, and get spaghetti jelly. Much more fun!"
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Karen's notes: Remember, here in the UK, "jelly" = "jell-o". So imagine smushing jell-o through a strainer. After hearing the recording, Adam had the idea of trying this out, making a nest out of the spaghetti jell-o and adding ice-cream eggs. I'll let you all know how that pans out.

Also, a note for you Americans that were around in the 80's: Wendy's doesn't exist here. (Search for "Where's the beef" on YouTube if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

20100522

May 22 2010

"How much for the frog? No, that one.... No, THAT one. Goddammit, how much for the frog, that one with the tail?... Well excuse me! How much for the lizard then?"
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"Ok, let's swap saliva. I know, love is messy."
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Karen's notes: About that first one. We've been raising tadpoles for the last few weeks. We're just waiting for them to get their little legs so that we can release them into the pond at the park. Maybe Adam's been looking at frogs with tails for so long, he's gotten himself confused?

Oh, hey, we got so many requests for "blue sky thinking" on merch, we rushed it into the shops. Shirts and mugs!

20100521

May 21 2010

Picture the scene: Living room. 10 pm. I'm on the phone with my Dad. Adam, who has been napping on the sofa next to me, starts chattering away. Adam mumbles "stupid fucking cow", then something about fishsticks. My Dad was lucky enough to hear him say something like, "Get away. Get away, I tell you!" After Dad and I hung up, I bolted to the bedroom for the recorder. Here's what ensued:
"Yeah shut up. I'm gonna stick you in the boot with the other shit that I can't be bothered to deal with, and too embarrassed to take out."
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and then...

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(By the way, Americans out there, keep in mind that "boot" means trunk of the car.)

And lastly, here's what we got overnight:
"Your blue sky thinking is blighted with dark clouds of piss-poor ideas."
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20100520

May 20 2010

"They're not love handles. No. I've got love impact protection barriers."
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"Stay where you are. You're making me look amazingly brilliant."
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"You wanted to be WHAT when you grow up? Boy, you must be SO disappointed the way your life turned out. So sad."
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"Sit down in the front. Sit down!"
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Karen's notes: What does everyone notice about today's talking, hmm? Come on, you can spot it... Got it yet? Here's a hint: it's something missing... No?... SWEARING. There's not one little bit of swearing today. Now, last evening I mentioned to Adam that, lately, nearly every single thing he said included swearing. I wasn't criticizing, just noting, but it appears his subconscious felt chastened.

Don't worry, I'm sure it won't last.

20100519

May 19 2010

"Yeah, you can find it on www.uselessfuckingpieceofcockshitesuckingtitfuck.com."
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Added later: In the comments, NewMexicanAnnie pointed out that "one of his favorite sleeptalking curse phrases is the last two words before .com?"

I just want to state here that I don't believe Adam has ever used the phrase "tit fuck" in his waking life. He's just not that guy.

Added later later: A reader of the blog has actually just purchased the domain above! He's asking for your suggestions of stupid, useless things in the world. Go there!

20100518

May 18 2010

"That's it! That's the last fucking time we're ever going on holiday with beavers. Can't take their chattering. Always chattering!"
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"What the fuck's wrong with your face?! Christ on a bike, next time you're smiling, warn me."
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(as I'm peeing in our en-suite bathroom) "What are you pouring that away for? I wanted that. Christ you're a selfish fucking cunt. I don't care. Cold tea is still tea nonetheless."
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"Why aren't you making me warm, hmm? Hmm? Why aren't you making me warm? That's your one fucking job, to make me warm, why the fuck are you not doing your job?... Being dead is no fucking excuse, you make me fucking warm!"
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Karen's notes: All of this chattering occurred around 2 in the morning. It ended with Adam waking himself up, tangled up in the duvet, thus:
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20100517

May 17 2010

"Before you say anything, I want you to take a long, hard think.... Longer... Longer!... Keep thinking... Keeeeep thinking... Did I say stop thinking?... Longer!"
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"Parsnips are snip at half the price. I say, buy them all and screw everybody!"
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Karen's notes: Adam kept quiet last night, so these are from my nestegg.

20100516

May 16 2010

"Your face reminds me of a roadkill's arsehole. Certainly not on my list of things to kiss."
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Karen's notes: For anyone who missed it, we were on BBC2 this weekend, on Frank Skinner's Opinionated. It was a good time. If you feel like watching it, there's a link to the clip on our media page. Or, you can see the full episode on iPlayer.

20100515

May 15 2010

"That's the green one taken care of. Bring me the blue and I'll kick seven shades of shit out of it."
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"If your name's on the receipt, YOU are gonna be exchanged. Trust me. I've already got my eye on a little power boat."
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"Keep close to me. My love is infectious, and there's no cure."
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(as I slide back into bed) "Oh, tremors! Quick, under the table! Leave the goldfish though. Little shit. Let him suffer. Thinks he's all high and mighty 'cause he's got a castle."
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Karen's notes: Thanks to everyone for my wonderful birthday wishes yesterday!

To our eighteen goldfish, I wish to say: Don't feel bad, little guys. Daddy wasn't talking about you. Daddy loves you.

Adam knows where the power boat reference came from: He had his kids in Camden Market yesterday, and they all (him included) went crazy for a huge toy power boat.

ps - I went back and added the "lego" audio from two days ago.

20100514

May 14 2010

"I'm sorry. No, I'm not apologizing. I have nothing to be sorry for. Oh, I'm sorry for accepting your fucking existence. That's it really."

"Mmmmmm marmalade. It has to be thick cut though. The real stuff. And on your buttocks. Tangy!.... Buttocks. (giggles) Funny!"
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Karen's notes: You would think that on my birthday, Adam would give me something really juicy, right? But you know what I got? A whole lotta nuthin! I had to dip into the nestegg again.

These are both from a couple of weeks ago. Personally, I love that second one, how he giggles at the word buttocks. What is he, like, nine?

20100513

May 13 2010

"You're never too old for lego....Suck my balls, dumbfuck. Building shit is fun."
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"She's been on the phone again. Somebody give me back the last ten minutes of my life. I can't have this as a memory."
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20100512

May 12 2010

"A vegetarian restaurant seems a fucking stupid idea. Just pitch a tent over a vegetable patch. Job done."
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"If I'm gonna spend the day with you, I'd seriously consider chewing razor blades and sucking lemons, simply to pass the time."
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20100511

May 11 2010

All of the following occurred around 3 in the morning. I was already awake when it got going, as I'm in one of my insomniac phases. It began like this:
"Going to husband school. Yeah. Always having to do better. The teacher's a bitch and there's no chance of graduating."
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"You and me, we're an item. And like an item, you can be exchanged in the future."
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At this point, I carefully slip out of the bed to go to the bathroom. As I tiptoe quietly across the room, I hear:
"Where do you think YOU'RE going, eh? Got somewhere better to go to? Better be fucking amazing! Cause I'm fucking brilliant."
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So, I come back from the bathroom, and as I'm sliding back into bed, he chimes in with:
"Whoop! Elephants landing!"
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And then, Just as I've settled back in, he whispers in my ear:
"Shhh. I can smell you. I hear through my nose."
(That was just too quiet for the recorder to get.) This is about the point where I'm hyperventilating, trying to keep my giggles under control.

Shortly after this, I feel Adam wrestling with the headboard. Yes, we had another episode of him getting his hand caught between the slats. It was a silent struggle, no biting ponies this time, but he woke himself up nevertheless. Here's a bit of the "reveal":
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(Adam wants you to know that this is his woken-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night voice. He doesn't always sound drunk and whiney.)

A delightful time was had by all.

20100510

May 10 2010

"I'm gonna take charge of the hippos humming choir. They need more harmony. And definitely more bass."
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Karen's notes: This one's easy. We watched a nature program on Saturday about hippos. Along with learning how it is possible for them to fit the entire top half of a man in their mouths, we also learned all about how they communicate by humming and grunting through their nostrils. Thanks, Discovery channel!

Merch update: New t-shirts and mugs! You'll find "fashion assassins", "tap dancing hamsters", "crosshairs of my love" and "arseholes unite" along with all the classics.

Also, buy 4 shirts, get the 5th free! The US shop is doing a special right now, so find four friends or colleagues who want shirts and keep the free one for yourself! (yes, of course I'm joking, you moral people). US $ customers, use code MAYSHIRTS, Canadian $ customers use CADMAYSHIRTS.

ps- for those UK customers who feel shafted, we're really sorry, these specials are all done by Spreadshirt, not us. Write and tell them how you feel!

20100509

May 9 2010

"Oh, just think about what you said. That is, if you can spare the grey matter from remembering how to breathe."
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"Great. So you've fallen in love again. Go wash yourself off. Dirty stuff."
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Karen's notes: We had a quiet night. Maybe he tired himself out battling jellyfish and arguing with gerbils. These are from the stockpile.

20100508

May 8 2010

"Just look at that bear. What a handsome fellow. It's a bear, I tell you. Bloody gerbils, stop being so nit-picky!"
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"Jellyfish are attacking. Everybody grab your ice cream guns. Let's get those little things!"
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20100507

May 7 2010

"When it comes to being told what to do, I tell, you do. Got that, dickhead? Nice."
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"Get That Thing Out Of Here. I don't care how. It doesn't belong in here. Put it in the living room. The colours go a lot better."
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"Oh please turn it off. Turn it off. Ohh! If I wanted it on, I would have put it on. Oh, turn it off. TURN IT OFF. Oh. Okay. I'll do it myself."
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Karen's notes: That last one is my personal favorite in a while. It's all about the audio.

These happened around 3:30 in the morning. A few hours later, about 10 minutes before the alarm was to go off, I wanted to see if I could get more out of him, so I started making little noises. Adam's eyes suddenly popped open and he said in his most accusing voice, "Were you humming at me? You bloody well were, weren't you!" I tried to play it off, but I was totally busted. Experiment fail.

20100506

May 6 2010

"You give me stress, anxiety, days filled with woe. I give you, I don't know, a kick in the fucking balls. I think that kind of makes it fair. Arsehole."

"Shoot the fucking cellist. Pompous cunt with his oversized violin."

"I have succumbed to temptation! Mankini or body wax? Decisions, decisions..."
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"You didn't let me finish. You WERE a waste of space... In your mother's womb."
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Karen's notes: Does it occur to anyone else that if one chooses to wear a mankini, one should ALSO get a body wax? Choosing between these options doesn't strike me as the best plan.

Added later: Ah! Someone made a comment that may have shed light on STM's difficult decision. They read it differently than I heard it, but I think they may be correct: "I think the waxing one was the choice between a "Mankini wax" or a whole body wax. Like women have a "Bikini wax"." That does make a lot more sense. Thanks, MsM!

20100505

May 5 2010

"Pottery's fun. Slimy. And not just for girls!"

"I love you. No, sorry, I missed some words out. I love it when the world shits on you. Yeah. That's the full sentence."
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Karen's notes: Poor Adam has a terrible cold/flu. Sick = no sleep = no sleep talking. I hope he gets better soon. He has a responsibility to amuse us!

These are from the stockpile. That second one I've been waiting to share for a long time. It's from our honeymoon. Nice, right?

Added later: Some people, after reading that last one, have expressed concern for my feelings. Don't worry, everyone! Adam and I are very secure in our feelings for each other, and I don't ever worry that his subconscious self is talking to me.

20100504

May 4 2010

"Oh shit. It's the munchkin sing-song. Kick 'em in their mouths, the tuneless fucking freaks."
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"It's Captain Fluffer! Hero to teenage boys."
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Karen's notes: These were from Saturday morning. We'd already woken up, I'd blogged, Adam decided to have an extra little snooze, and started blabbing.

Because I can only assume that the first one makes at least a few people cringe as much as it makes me cringe, I want to let you all know, yet again, that Adam awake is a very sweet, good-natured, non-violent guy.

As for Captain Fluffer, I had to explain the term "fluffer" to Adam. For those who aren't familiar, I suggest Wikipedia.

20100503

May 3 2010

"It's the belly button button. Press it and go to hell!"
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"Your job is to be ignored. Nobody's to acknowledge you whatsoever. You should be good at that."
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20100502

May 2 2010

"See, I told you. Farmer Barleymow is a cunt."
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"Stop the cows! They're licking everything!"
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"When I grow up, I want to be respectful of my parents. Of all the wonderful things they've done for me.... Yeah right. Pffffft. Just give me presents."
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Karen's notes: Just before we went to sleep last night, we were researching working farms to take Adam's children to on holiday. That might explain those first two. I should also mention that Farmer Barleymow was a character on some creepy-looking cartoon from Adam's childhood. Here he is on his tractor:



As for that last one, I want to take this awkward opportunity to say that Adam's parents are lovely people, and he loves them very much.

20100501

May 1 2010

"Arseholes of the world unite! And fuck off together."

"Your silence says a lot. Mainly, you haven't got the intellect to say something mildly witty. Or intelligent. Or anything of substance. You are, by definition, a fuck-up."
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Karen's notes: Another quiet night for Adam. Clearly, we need to set up "important meetings" for Adam every day. These are some of the leftovers from last night.

Added a bit later: Adam fell back to sleep after I posted, and chattered away! I'll save those for the next silent night.