Feb 29 2012

"I love you so much, I'm gonna give your love handles friction burns!"

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Feb 28 2012

"That's a new dress. See? I notice things. I also notice that you look disgusting in that dress. See? Noticed."

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Feb 28 2012

"Okay, Captain Salad, time to meet your doom! And your little sidekick Garnish Boy can just fuck off."

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Sometime, when I hear Adam talking in his sleep, I have trouble understanding exactly what he's said, and he has to help me decipher it from the recording in the morning. This was a particularly disastrous example of that:

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KAREN:	(plays recording of quote) So, I understand the words...
ADAM:	Do you know what garnish... you know what garnish is.
KAREN:	Like, of a plate? That kind of garnish?
ADAM:	Yes, like of a plate.
KAREN:	Right, okay.
ADAM:	The little salad, a mini salad.
KAREN:	Yeah, yeah.
ADAM:	So Captain Salad and his—
KAREN:	Oh, SALAD! Captain Salad! Well now I understand everything. Because I thought you said "Captain Solid".
ADAM:	Captain Solid?
KAREN:	That's why I couldn't make sense of anything.
ADAM:	Listen to me. Listen to my voice.
RECORDING:	Okay Captain Salad...
KAREN:	You can't hear how that would sound like "solid"?
ADAM:	Nope.
RECORDING:	Captain Salad
KAREN:	Saaahhh, sahlid, you do say, you don't say "salad"
ADAM:	I say salad!
KAREN:	Saaaahlid.
ADAM:	No.
RECORDING:	Captain Salad
KAREN:	Sah! Sah!
ADAM:	Salad! No, no, no. You're trying to turn it into—
KAREN:	No! I'm showing you how even now it still sounds like "solid" even when I know you're saying "salad".
ADAM:	Say it again.
RECORDING:	Captain Salad
KAREN:	Saaaaaahhhhhlid... Saaaaaaaalllad.
ADAM:	Saaahhhlid? Captain Saaaahhhlid. Nope.
KAREN:	Well now it makes sense to me anyway.
ADAM:	Yay.
KAREN:	Let me write it down. (typing it out) Okay Captain Salad, time to meet your doom...
RECORDING:	And your little sidekick garnish boy
KAREN:	Okay, here's another problem. I thought you said.... (sigh) "Sidekick" sounded to me like "psychic".
ADAM:	Captain Solid and his psychic Garnish Boy!
KAREN:	Yes!
ADAM:	"But Garnish Boy, you said the children would be down the well here!"

Feb 24 2012

"Happy Birthday! It's a dead puppy! ... Now listen, you: you didn't specify a live puppy, you just said you wanted a fucking puppy! Jesus you're spoiled. Now go take it for a drag."

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I suppose this has something to do with the fact that we're celebrating Adam's daughter's birthday tomorrow. I hope she appreciates our gift more than this ungrateful child liked STM's.

Feb 23 2012

"Where'd you put the pelican food? Where'd you put the pelican food?! They're gonna be really cross if we don't get the pelican food. Shit. I found the toys for the toucans, but I need the pelican food. If you don't find their food, I'll find a reason to punch you in the face. I'm not going out there without the pelican food. Fuck it, you can go out there. You explain it to them. They're all beaky and flappy. Once they get excited, they just cause a mess. There's no reasoning with them, either. Nope. Unreasonable beaky twats. Big mouth fuckers. Find their food!"

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Feb 22 2012

"Oi. Oi! One pound?! Tooth fairy, ya thieving short-changing cunt! A fucking pound? What am I meant to do with that, you cheap shit?"

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Meanwhile, my brother and his girlfriend are visiting from the States, and early this morning Adam woke himself up yelling, just about the loudest he has ever done so. I'll have to ask them later today if they heard it down the hall.

"COCK CHEESE!"

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(rest of the reveal below)

STM:	COCK CHEESE!
KAREN:	laughs.
ADAM:	Um...
KAREN:	That was loud.
ADAM:	Oh god. Oh dear.
KAREN:	I don't know if they woke up.
ADAM:	It sounded angry.
KAREN:	I'm not exactly sure what you said. You either said "cock tease" or "cock cheese."
ADAM:	Ew. Well, if it sounded angry, maybe "cock tease."
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Uness I was shouting at somebody else, in which case it could be "cock cheese." You know what? I don't really care, I want to go back to sleep, goodnight!
KAREN:	And—
ADAM:	No. And then sleep.
KAREN:	And you—
ADAM:	Oh you, don't—
KAREN:	—called the tooth fairy a cheap bitch 'cause she only gave you a pound.
ADAM:	I think more than a pound is just a bit gauche, don't you think? It's only a fucking milk tooth. It's not as if you worked for it. In fact, if anything, you were careless. You should have to pay the tooth fairy 'cause you lost your tooth.

Feb 21 2012

"Congratulations. You may now wipe your face on my butt cheeks."

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Feb 20 2012

"Oh! It's a outtie revolution! Us innies gotta stick together and ride this shit out."

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Feb 17 2012

"You can't talk to me like that. No you can't. No, see, let me break your face with this brick, then staple your bloody fucking mouth back together again. NOW, you can talk to me like that."

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When STM said this, Adam was dealing with a particularly difficult client at work.

Feb 16 2012

Here's a first: When STM kicked off talking last night, he came out with this:

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Starts off okay, but soon goes off the rails, poor thing.

He then said a couple other things (which I've tucked into the nest-egg). But finally, he came back around to give it another go:

"They say love is a many-splendored thing. But with you, love is a neurotic much-needy thing."

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I guess even STM has his tough nights.

Feb 15 2012

"Here's my CV. Why don't you just file it under 'Awesome'."

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Does everyone in the States know that CV = resume?

This conversation is from the beginning of the night, shortly after we got into bed:

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ADAM:	(starts awake suddenly, gasping)
KAREN:	You okay?
ADAM:	Yeah. It was worms. It's okay, it was just worms.
KAREN:	Oh! I thought you were awake, so I went to pet your head.
ADAM:	Oh.
KAREN:	But you thought it was worms.
ADAM:	They were all over me.
KAREN:	Oh, god. I'm sorry.
ADAM:	It's okay. I was chopping them.
KAREN:	Tripping them?
ADAM:	With a shovel. Chop.
KAREN:	Chopping them.
ADAM:	In half.
KAREN:	Did that work, or did they just grow back?
ADAM:	I'm not talking, I'm sleeping.

Feb 14 2012

We're back from our sloth adventure! Here's one of the sanctuary-inspired gems that STM came up with:

"Mega-Carrot vs. Slothasaurus! Watch it slowly eat its way through the giant root vegetable. Action packed! Thrilling! Well, actually, a little bit dull, but never mind."

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A few relevant notes here:

1. That evening, we had been talking about the spine-chillingly bad modern B movie "Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus".

2. One of the tasks involved in preparing the sloths' afternoon meal was to peel a hundred of the most ENORMOUS carrots you've have ever seen.

3. At the sanctuary, there is a life-sized statue of a 25-foot sloth ancestor from the dinosaur-era.

Feb 10 2012

"Walking on water, and turning water into wine. Yayyyyy! I like magic tricks."

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My apologies to all the Christian folks out there.

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This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary! But we'll be back live on Monday. Hope I have some great sloth-inspired stuff for you guys!

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Feb 9 2012

"I'm the best present you've ever had. A perfect love package. Handle with care."

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Feb 8 2012

"I can honestly say that from the state of your kids, you must have one fucked up ugly vagina."

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Feb 7 2012

"Oh, it's a sad sad sad day when gumming someone pushes you down the social pecking order."

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Feb 6 2012

"That's a sheep! I don't care how hard you kick it, it's never gonna be a cloud… Kick it again. Huh, huh. Funny."

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Feb 3 2012

"And so the moral of the story is, don't be upset when people think of you as a mucus-filled vaj-sack. Because they will."

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Feb 2 2012

"That marmoset stole my earring! We are NOT carrying on until that bitch gives it back… Well, actually, it looks quite cool when it wears it. Mmm. New romantic marmoset, I like it."

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Feb 1 2012

"Scissors. I need to find scissors. Gotta cut the yellow wire. Yellow. Shit, red wire! It's the red one, red... Fuck it, it's the green? Oh, suck this, I'm going home, you deal with it!"

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