Apr 30 2012

"If you're looking sympathy… go get a fucking dictionary, you'll find it between 'shithead' and 'syphilis'. Fuck off."

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"Over at the blueberry convention, the red currants are acting so prissy. So very un-berry-like."

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Apr 27 2012

"Oh, baby. The only time I'm ever gonna love you for your brains is if I was caught in some kind of apocalyptic nuclear explosion and was turned into one of the FUCKING LIVING DEAD!"

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"The millipede and the worm had a race. Everything was going really well for the worm... until he turned. Idiot worm. No brain."

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Apr 25 2012

"Ohhhh! If only I had my triceratops, I wouldn't have any problem with the goose. Damn you, goose!"

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Next we had one of those bizarre repeat performance. First listen to this:

(sign-song) "Puddle, my puddle. My puddle!! Splishy-splashy puddle. NOW GET OUT OF MY PUDDLE! My puddle. Dirty birdie, my puddle! Spishy-splashy puddle puddle. My puddle, my puddle, my splishy-splashy puddle..."

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... and then revisit the April 4 post. I can only hypothesize that this has something to do with the month of rain we've been trudging through here in the UK. It sounds like things are getting more desperate for STM and his puddle.

Finally, we had one of Adam's classic awakenings:

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Does anyone else hear the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz in how he delivered that?

STM:	CHEESECAKE!!
KAREN:	(snorts laughter)
ADAM:	I'm hungry?
KAREN:	(giggles aloud)
ADAM:	Did I say cake?
KAREN:	Do you not know exactly what you said?
ADAM:	I know cake.
KAREN:	"Cheesecake."
ADAM:	Mmmmm. Cheesecake can take away any argument and make it into a lovely conversation.
KAREN:	Well maybe we should keep cheesecake around the house all the time, and every time we're arguing, we just take out the cheesecake.
ADAM:	And then we just throw it at each other.

Apr 23 2012

"It's NOT a fat ass. I suffer from Hippo-bottom-mass. You should feel sorry for me."

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"Fuck t-shirts. Panty hose! Yeah, panty hose all the way."

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Apr 20 2012

"It's science. It's meant to confuse stupid people."

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Perhaps we've been watching too much Big Bang Theory?

I've mentioned in the past that, not only does Adam talk in his sleep, he has a bizarre way of waking as well. Adam wakes up fully alert and aware from the first instant. It is very common for him to be in a deep sleep, and to suddenly open his eyes and blurt out a comment which is completely sensible and relevant. Here's an example from a couple of days ago, in which Adam wakes up theorizing that perhaps some medical test results he received recently are related to the fact that he eats apples whole, core and all.

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ADAM:	(from out of the dead silence) Apple seeds!
KAREN:	(keeps quiet, assuming he's talking in his sleep)
ADAM:	Baby?
KAREN:	(doubtfully) Yeaahhhh...
ADAM:	The cyanide thing.
KAREN:	Yeaahhh...
ADAM:	I wonder if that's what's... you know, my liver enzymes...
KAREN:	Oh! Well, yeah, certainly interesting to pursue. Did you just— It seemed like you went straight from dead asleep to that declaration. Is that true?
ADAM:	I had a thought come into my head of apples... What?
KAREN:	You're so weird. Um—
ADAM:	But in a good way?
KAREN:	It's an interesting idea.
ADAM:	No, you didn't— Weird in a good way?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Okay, thanks.
KAREN:	It could be also interesting to Google. Just Google, like, apple seeds—
ADAM:	There's a lot of wacko people who write some really weird stuff.
KAREN:	Yeah. That's why you take it all with a grain of salt, but you—
ADAM:	Pinch.
KAREN:	I think we say "grain."
ADAM:	It's a pinch of salt.
KAREN:	We say "grain." Does that mean that every time here I've said the expression "grain of salt," somebody thought I had it wrong?
ADAM:	Yes. And as typical English people, we wouldn't correct you.
KAREN:	You correct me.
ADAM:	I'm married to you. I don't want you to embarrass me.

Apr 18 2012

"They're nunchucks, Grandma. You know— Ooh! You're a natural! Like a wrinkly ninja. Oh, Grandma. Nunchuck skills... blatant racism skills... occasionally smelling of wee skills... can't forget the hairy fucking mole skill."

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"Stop kicking me, dog mutt puppy fool!"

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It's true, Molly the little beagle does have a habit of kicking us in the middle of the night, which would generally explain this quote. However, she was on my side of the bed, minding her own doggie business when he said this.

Apr 16 2012

"You can't drop them. You can't set them on fire. You can't feed them to crocodiles. You can't let them play with fireworks. I mean... Kids: What the fuck?!"

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Yup, Adam said this during the weekend, one of the weekends we had his children visiting. Perhaps he's got irreverent parenting on his mind. We've been listening to Tim Minchin quite a lot lately:

Apr 13 2012

"Wake up and smell the coffee... Can't smell it, can you? That's because you haven't made it yet, so get up and make me coffee, bitch!"

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"I was wearing my mum's bikini. Kill me now. Kill me now!"

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Apr 11 2012

"Okay, Jesus, if you are the son of God, wave your hands in the air... Ha ha. Didn't think so."

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What a lovely Easter sentiment.

Now, a few nights ago, I was lying there insomniacally, minding my own business, when I heard a strange rhythmic sound coming from the other side of the bed. I turned and looked over, to find Adam, face down, palms flat on either side of his head, slamming his face repeatedly into his pillow. For a long time. It was pretty freaky.

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KAREN:	You did something really weird.
ADAM:	What?
KAREN:	I heard this rhythmic... thing, and I looked up, and you were going (lying face-down, lifts head and slams face back down into pillow, repeatedly)
ADAM:	Oh my god, I was head-banging again!
KAREN:	And at one point, you briefly turned to the side (turns head, and continues demonstration)
ADAM:	I do it on the side!
KAREN:	But then you said, nope (face-down again, bangs a few more times). You did it for, maybe, a minute straight, a long time.
ADAM:	I used to do it for twenty minutes, half an hour, awake, when I was a kid.
KAREN:	Is that how you do it? Down into the pillow? It wasn't that you banged your head on the crib or something?
ADAM:	No! No, that would've hurt. I used to do this, hang on.
KAREN:	Wait, you remember this?
ADAM:	Oh God, yeah.
KAREN:	How old were you?
ADAM:	This was going from when I was very very young, 'til about eight or nine. I used to put myself to sleep this way. I used to put music on, and head-bang to music.
KAREN:	Okay, do it.
ADAM:	Okay, I did it more on my chin—
KAREN:	Okay, I'll sing, ready? (singing horribly, as Adam head-bangs along) I set fire to the raiiiiiiiin, watch it (giggles)...
ADAM:	And sometimes I do this (head bangs more slowly)—
KAREN:	Yes! That tempo is exactly what you were doing.
ADAM:	It's really nice.
KAREN:	Hold on, let me try it. So, on your chin—
ADAM:	—on your chin and mouth.
KAREN:	(tries a few bangs) .... I don't find anything nice about that.
ADAM:	(joins in, and we bang together) I used to do this, Mum and Dad would be in the room, and I used to talk to them like this (bangs to the side). And I'd be talking, but it's not so nice on the side, then I did it face down. And I did it so much, I used to get a callus. I used to split my chin, and there was blood all over my pillow, a scab on my chin—
KAREN:	And what did they think about, you'd be talking to them doing that?
ADAM:	Well, they took me to the the doctors, and they said, actually, a lot of boys do it. Um, normally they grow out of it before I did—
KAREN:	What, before they're 39?
ADAM:	Yeah. And very few of them did it to music. But it was relaxing. It was a de-stressor.
KAREN:	It freaked that shit out of me. It was really really really strange.
ADAM:	Um, hmmm. Well, something's bothering me, or—
KAREN:	But you've never done it before. Certainly never that I've known of—
ADAM:	I wonder if it was the rosé that's—
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	—having alcohol—
KAREN:	No, you've had alcohol other times.
ADAM:	I don't know, maybe it was the tiramisu, took me back to childhood... Something's triggered me.
KAREN:	Maybe it's just all this stuff with [name censored]. Or maybe it was just fun.
ADAM:	Yay! Bang my head!

Apr 4 2012

"Fucksticks! That's it, I'm not playing anymore. Just give me back my tiara and my sash and the purple monkey. I'm outta here."

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Another bout of alien gibberish...

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"My puddle. My puddle! Get out of my puddle! You're not some dirty birdie. GET OUT!! My puddle."

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(If you listen closely to that one, you can hear Molly the little beagle's ears flapping and she shakes herself down.)

Apr 2 2012

"You're gonna have to shave your pubes. It's like fighting an army of permed spider legs down there, and I'm gonna lose. I'm gonna lose."

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"I swear, do that once more, and I'm gonna make you look like a prawn."

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Prawn is the word that Brits use for shrimp. Like, to eat. Anyone want to offer a theory as to what STM meant?

Shortly after these two declarations, Adam woke up... sort of. It's rare to catch him in this half-asleep, half-awake state, but always amusing.

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ADAM:	What are we doing here? We're doing it— Baby, we've got work in the morning, what are we doing here?
KAREN:	(keeps quiet, thinking he is asleep)
ADAM:	Baby?!
KAREN:	Yeah?
ADAM:	Baby, what are— (pathetic whine) We gotta go home.
KAREN:	Where are we?
ADAM:	We've got work in the morning! (whimpers) Oh gaaaaaaaaawwwd. Cocky pants, we've gotta go home. Do we have to go? Do we?.... BABY!
KAREN:	Yes.
ADAM:	We have to go?
KAREN:	Yes.
ADAM:	Ohhhhhhhh. Such a fucking ball ache! (suddenly sits up, eyes open) Hang on. I'm confused.
KAREN:	Yeah, me too. Where did you think we were?
ADAM:	Where are we?
KAREN:	We're in bed.
ADAM:	Of course we're in bed! Why did you wake me?
KAREN:	Baby, I didn't wake you. You woke you.
ADAM:	That doesn't make sense. You don't make sense.
KAREN:	What makes you think I woke you?
ADAM:	Huh?
KAREN:	What makes you think—
ADAM:	Why are you talking all the time!? Always with the talking. Talking talking talking. Shhhhhhhhh. You need to— You need to internalize, you know? Just— just— Shhhhhhh. Help yourself. You gonna do that for me?
KAREN:	Mmm-hmm.
ADAM:	There's a good girl.
KAREN:	I'm doing it now.
ADAM:	What are you doing?
KAREN:	I'm internalizing.
ADAM:	What? Well, don't keep it to yourself, y'know?
KAREN:	I have to pee.
ADAM:	That you could have kept to yourself. Well, you definitely can't internalize that. Go pee. (GASP!) Did we leave Molly at Mum and Dad's!?!
KAREN:	Baby?
ADAM:	FUCK!
KAREN:	What are you talking about?
ADAM:	MOLLY!
KAREN:	She's here!
ADAM:	WHERE?!
KAREN:	Here!
ADAM:	Oh, thank god for that. Panic! ... Where are you going?
KAREN:	To pee!
ADAM:	I'm so confused! Molly? Molly! Molly, wake up! Wake up. Play with me. Play with me! She's not playing!
KAREN:	Molly, come see Daddy.
ADAM:	Yeahhhh. She's got the licky on my hand now. Is licking kissing, or is licking you think I'm food? Either way, there must be an element of love. I'm, like, really tired. With you waking me up earlier—
KAREN:	I didn't wake you up earlier!
ADAM:	Why did you call me?
KAREN:	I never called you! You were talking to me, and you asked me a question, and I didn't answer because I just thought you were babbling in your sleep, and so then you called me again.
ADAM:	I don't remember.
KAREN:	Well good thing the whole thing's on tape.