Jan 30 2013

These two quotes came out the night after Adam's surgery to remove his lymph node. It's generally not a good idea to abuse your surgeon, so I'm glad STM held off until he was in his own bed, rather than coming out with these while on the slab.

"How am I? How am I? I'm in a fucking hospital and I don't work here! Stupid question, how am I. Scalpel monkey!"

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"I'll fucking give you stitches! Oop, nope, you win. Got me first."

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Jan 25 2013

"Don't you go there. That journey's gonna end with my fist in your face.-- Oh! There we go, fist in face. You've arrived at your destination."

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"Ya piss stinking weasel! He makes the man chutney."

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Jan 23 2013

Wednesday Rewind

"Of course I know where your eyes are. I just like staring at your tits. Thank you!"

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"Cuff him! Arrest him! I don't care, that manatee is going down!"

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Jan 21 2013

This is one of those times that Adam's real life circumstances broke through to STM's world. A few weeks ago, Adam found a lump in his groin. It turned out to be a very swollen lymph node, which could have any one of a large number of explanations, many of them quite benign, a couple of them less benign. Sometime amidst his many doctor's appointments to determine what happens next, STM came out with this:

"Yeah, Lumpy, you wanna come mess with me in my house, you'd better come armed to the teeth and bring friends. I'll fuck you up, mother-fucker."

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Thanks, STM, for providing Adam a healthy outlet to help work through the anxiety while we wait for news.

And here is the conversation we had the next morning:

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ADAM:	Go down.
KAREN:	Who are you talking to?
ADAM:	Lump.
KAREN:	Oh wait, that explains... hold on... what did you say? OH, I didn't put it together at the time! You said, "Lumpy, if you're gonna fuck with me, you'd better come armed to the teeth." But I totally didn't make the connection.
ADAM:	I shall give Lump a name. I'm gonna call it Rupert. It's inoffensive if you give it a name like Rupert.
KAREN:	Okay, I like that idea. We'll call it Rupert.
ADAM:	And then I won't mind when Rupert's gone.
KAREN:	You know what? I bet you that if we start referring to it as Rupert, you'll start developing an affection for it.
ADAM:	No. Rupert's an uninvited guest. He's made himself at home, and he's eating my food, and drinking my drink, and he's just pissing me off. He's just fat, bloated Rupert.

Jan 18 2013

"I'm like medicine. Take me twice before going to bed. Warning: I will cause sexiness."

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"She said it was chewable. The door mat. The chewable door mat's not chewable. Not at all."

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Jan 16 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"Me, fat? Think again, titty-fuck. I taught my muscles to be in a zen-like state of relaxation. Permanently."

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"Soggy fucking saddlebags, I am NOT sticking around here. This place sucks.... Sorry Mum, but it's true."

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Introducing... Sleep Talkin Man, THE BOOK!!

Yes, it's true! Sleep Talkin' Man is now a book!

A real, live, paper and ink book! 

"But I read the blog," I hear you saying.

"Why is it an ABSOLUTE IMPERATIVE that I get this book?" 

Well, because there's loads of exclusive content in there. Book stuff! For example:

• Lots of STM zingers that I've been hiding from you all this time, JUST FOR THE BOOK. If you don't get the book, you'll NEVER GET TO READ THEM!
• Hilarious illustrations of some of the classic STM quotes. I mean, seriously, how can you go through life without ever seeing a CHICKEN IN A FETISH COSTUME?
• A bunch of WORDS, written by me, all about the life and times of Adam and Sleep Talkin' Man. Aren't you just dying to know who STM is, where he comes from, and what it's like for me to live with these two opposing personalities?
• More more more!!!!

"Okay, okay, I HAVE TO HAVE THIS BOOK!

Where can I get it?"

Officially speaking, it's launching later in January. But you can go ahead and order it from Barnes & Noble (in the US), or from Amazon in your country of choice!

What, you're still here?
Get on out there and GET YOUR BOOK!

__________________________________________

Added later: In response to a comment left by Paula - YES, the book IS available for Kindle and Nook!  

Jan 11 2013

"I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read."

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Jan 9 2013

Wednesday Rewind

"Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better, because I answer."

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"Hmm, linguini on the ceiling! It adds a certain texture. Interesting... Just don't use penne. Or those crappy twisty ones."

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Jan 7 2013

"No. Don't touch me. Don't touch me there. No. That's not my happy place."

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"The midget has a whip."

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Jan 4 2013

Welcome back, everyone. So sorry for the long hiatus. The holiday plus pregnancy plus two sick step-kids really did me in. But, I'm getting back on track now with our regularly scheduled program!

"I have to admit, I've totally underestimated the power of your boobs. They can freeze my mind at twenty paces."

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This one, I think it's safe to say, is related to my pregnancy.

And here we have another one of Adam's unfortunate awakenings, care of STM:

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	(sound of a loud SMACK, as Adam slaps himself in the face with full force.)
ADAM:	OW!
KAREN:	Adam?! Did you just—?
ADAM:	I’m awake now.
KAREN:	(making no attempt to control the giggles, despite Adam’s obvious pain) Baby, what was that?
ADAM:	I forgot where my arm was. It was a lot closer to my face than I thought. I thought it was over here (stretches his arm all the way out to the side), so I want it brought over here (indicates a location four inches from his face), and it wasn’t, it was about there (moving it about three inches further away from face). I’m sorry. I’m actually apologizing to myself, not you.
KAREN:	Aww.