Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100623

June 23 2010

"You take one of those knitting needles and put 'em in my neck once more, I'm gonna see to it that every time you blink, you're gonna be looking at your own rectum. Got it?"

 or click here

Note: Adam has a tweaked nerve in his neck right now.
"(singing) I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be in charge. I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be-... You can fuck off to the back and sulk there. (singing again) I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be in charge.... Captain Bollocks! I shall be Captain Bollocks. On the good ship Scrotum. It's a small boat, but it'll pack a punch. We'll be able seamen in our boat, Scrotum."
 or click here
(as I sit up to pet Molly) "Where are you going? Oh, you're not going anywhere. You stay right there. (patting me) Good cow."
 or click here


And then, Adam's bad neck woke him up:


 or click here

Here's the transcript of the conversation:


ADAM: My neck hurts Baby. Baby, are you awake?
KAREN: Are- are you awake?
ADAM: Yeah.
KAREN: Captain Bollocks of the good ship Scrotum? (laughs)
(...pause...)
ADAM: Well it works.
KAREN: I leaned up to pet Molly for a minute and I came back down and you said, "Where are you going? Oh, you're not going anywhere." And then you, like, you patted me and you went, "Good cow."
ADAM: Oh Baby, I didn't call you a cow!
KAREN: "Good cow"
ADAM: No, I didn't call you a cow! For the record- this is not for your benefit but for anybody, obviously, who's going to suggest that I was thinking about you-
KAREN: Uh-huh?
ADAM: You're not a cow.
KAREN: Thank you.
ADAM: Although, cows do have pretty eyes.
KAREN: (laughing) Oh, thank you!
ADAM: Well, you know, they've got long eyelashes and, when they're calves they're quite cute. But I don't think of you as a cow.
KAREN: Thank you.
ADAM: Or any kind of heifer-like animal.
KAREN: Thank you.
ADAM: Yes. It's fine. Really.

60 comments:

  1. haha that's so great. Adam is singing like a playground child and although he is rude in his sleep he does seem like one of those "charming British men".

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  2. cows do have pretty eyes lol..

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  3. OMG! I thought I was going to bust a gut with the but they do have pretty eyes...I'm surprised I didn't wake up my daughter lmao!!!

    This is the funniest stuff in a while! The other stuff is funny too, this is just the funnier stuff :-)

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  4. Glad I wasn't drinking when he said "Good cow"

    Captain Bollocks and his able seamen (semen?) on the good ship Scrotum.

    Good stuff!!

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  5. OMG!!!!! I'm laughing so hard I'm having trouble breathing! "Good cow.." "They do have pretty eyes!"

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  6. PMSL :o)

    I cracked at the "cow" as well. Did not see that coming. Love the "captain". Classic.

    Thank you Adam & Karen
    xx Rochelle

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  7. That second one. I think the second one KILLED ME. It's the best I've seen here yet!

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  8. sleeping adam sounds like jack davenport (especially as steve from "coupling" when he's ranting if anyone else used to watch it?)
    and waking adam sounds so lovely!
    love this blog it's cheering me up in the midst of a level exams at the moment :)

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  9. "Heifer" not "heffer"

    But funny as hell, STM... love it!

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  10. Thanks for the spelling correction. I just fixed it.

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  11. good luck in your exams! - adam

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  12. Today's lot were HILARIOUS. My stomach actually hurts for laughing so much.

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  13. I am hyperventilating from trying not to laugh out loud at work. I'm not sure which is funnier: Captain Bollocks (and his able seamen on the good ship scrotum) or the in-depth discussion of cows and how Karen is not one. Today was a classic!

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  14. Dear Adam/ Dear Karen

    Thanks for the tons of laughter!

    I am sorry for your hurting neck. If you wish, i can suggest you my own recipe for such killing aches and pains:

    oint the area with some hand cream/ face cream/ best if avaible are arnika cream. after that, put few drops of mint (essential) oil and a nice rub. or mix some mint oil in a normal massage oil. it can go for desperate cases only with the mint oil, but the skin is going to be burnt out.

    this sort of massage - massage oil enriched with mint oil, makes wonders for any muscular aches, relaxes the muscle, helps with the venous circulation as long as the massage is done from the extremities towards the heart, following the natural course of the venous blood or limpha.


    PS, because is summer and you may go to the beach: in case of solar burns, just take a good shower, to remove any sort of natural and sun oils, cut a tomato in half, remove the seds and just rub the reddened area with that pulp of the tomato. in maximum 30 min, the area will be cold and nice

    Mira - Romania

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  15. That bovine conversation is possibly the funniest thing I've read/heard on this site. Oh my goodness!

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  16. Can we see a t-shirt that just says "Good Cow" - @YJDrake

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  17. This stuff is great. I'm sharing it with the office ... at least, I'm sharing it with the ones in the office who have a sense of humor :-)

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  18. 'Bullocks' are animals, 'bollocks' are balls...FYI :-)

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  19. I would really like to see an artist's rendering of the captain and his wonderful ship!

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  20. I think the best part is the "it's a small boat" line... but maybe my mind is too far entrenched in the gutter!

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  21. I have to say that although the sleep-talkings are hilarious, I like the conversations you two have when Adam wakes up even more. You're so adorable together!

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  22. I've joined the ranks of those who have a wee crush on waking Adam. He is just such a sweetheart -- and always so apologetic/shocked about the snarky, witty, punny commentary of STM!

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  23. @Mira - Not sure if I'm more turned on or hungry now ;)

    I was waiting for Adam to break out in song with his good ship Scrotum to the tune of Shirley Temple's Good Ship Lollipop!!!

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  24. @ queenofcrows: Yes! He is so sweet and wonderful. I'm the luckiest woman in the world!

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  25. I have the same prob with my neck sometimes too. My physical therapist recommended that I roll up a small towel to fit exactly in the curve of my neck, and lay flat on my back on the floor for 15 minutes twice a day, not moving at all with that towel under the neck. It really helps. It will also get rid of a nasty tension headache.

    PS. cows ARE awesome.

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  26. So adorable the way he makes sure you know he loves you, even if he inadvertently calls you names:)

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  27. LOL! sometimes the awake conversations between you and adam are waaaay better than his sleep talking. great stuff!

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  28. OMG!! Between the Captain Bollocks and the waking conversation you just made my week! Hope your neck feels better soon, Adam!

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  29. Ha Ha! The juvenile in me chuckled about the "able seamen in our boat, Scrotum."

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  30. Sometimes I wonder if sunshine and light Adam is arguing with the dark STM in his sleep.

    Happy Adam: I'm gonna be the captain, I'm gonna be-...

    Dark STM starts to sneak forward, bringing grouchiness.

    Happy Adam warns him. "You can fuck off to the back and sulk there."

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  31. new t-shirt PLEASE:
    You're not a cow.
    Thank you.
    Although, cows do have pretty eyes....


    some of best non STM ever

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  32. The good ship scrotum??? that absolutely cracked me up....... we have a secretary at work, and whenever she has a horrible day, you can walk in her office and she starts singing, "the good ship lollipop, it's so crazy, it wont stop." There are other words, but anyway picturing her singing it with Adam's version has made my day lol

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  33. Can't think of anything nicer to say about a person than that he or she has "calf eyes" -- the ultimate compliment

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  34. OMG, I laughed soooo hard with that!!! Captain Bollocks on the good ship Scrotum would be an interesting name of a Renaissance pirate....lol.

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  35. May you have calm seas and fair weather Captain!

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  36. Oh my goodness, Capatin Bollocks is maybe my favorite post ever! Though the cow bit was fabulous too! I definitely needed the pick-me-up! I wish the Captain Bollocks theme song were more well developed and maybe had a cartoon! Oh, the merchandising possibilities...

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  37. "It's a small boat, but it'll pack a punch." Snort!!!

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  38. There is a really old film that my church made called "Jonny Lingo" in which a man trades 8 cows for a wife. It's supposed to be a happy story, but it's too horrible a film and quite sexist IMHO.

    Women are compared to cows in the church's culture now. Sad, but true.

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  39. Thank you for the transcripts! I didn't even know what I missing (via RSS feed)

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  40. You know, I was gonna comment and ask how you liked being called a cow... and that last conversation pretty much covered that!

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  41. Ok, I confess, I could not resist making a t-shirt of Captain Bollocks!

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  42. Pineapple Pants23 June 2010 21:46

    Great post today, and probably your best yet! I agree that your waking conversations are funnier than the rest! You both sound so cute together! I hope STM has more musical musings in the future!

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  43. did adam by any chance watch the joss whedon show "angel"? in an alternate universe called pylea, humans were called cows and were slaves. i'm just saying. . . .

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  44. wow it's so much funnier with the audio!!!

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  45. This was awesome! Just when I need a laugh, you three (Karen, Adam, and STM) deliver.

    By the way, don't forget that cows are sacred in India, and to many other ancient cultures. LOL. I LOVE cows. Moo.

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  46. My sister and I sometimes email bits and pieces of STM back and forth, woven into conversation or stand-alone.

    This morning, thinking I had already been here (which I had not), she sent an email with "Wondering..." in the header. In the body of the email was: "Do you think of me as any heifer-like animal?" Talk about snorting with laughter!! I could not begin to imagine what was behind that question. It had me laughing ALL day.

    And now, I'm finally getting here to read/listen about Captain Bollocks and his able seamen on the good ship Scrotum. Incredible! And the exchange between the two of you is priceless. My favorite part, of course... "Or any kind of heifer-like animal."

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  47. FUNNY stuff!

    Do you have the TV show "NCIS" where you live? If so has Adam watched it lately? My husband and I just did watch an episode where a man on a plane was killed when another passenger stabbed him in the neck with a knitting needle... interesting.

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  48. Oh that Captain Bollocks of the good ship Scrotum with its seamen made me LOL literally like I haven't done in a while :D

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  49. Hey, Adam, Let me give you some advice from a mad Yank that's been married for ten years. After you call your wife a cow in your sleep, and finally convince her that you weren't talking about her? Don't start listing the attributes of cattle that your find attractive. Believe me! No good can come of it!

    Karen, You too must be wonderful for Adam, because I know more than a few men who would have been bleeding profusely after that cow scenario!

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  50. STM can be captain Bollocks, I bagsy Master Bates!
    ZB

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  51. oooo oooooo I want to be a seaman on the good ship scrotum.... I (Mr. Ballsy) always wanted to say, "Aye, Aye Captain Bollocks!" although I'm just kidding about that.... or am I? lol it was quite hilarious trying not to laugh in my local library while reading/listening to STM sing and then your lovely conversation with Adam after he woke up and tried to convience you aren't a cow. though I'm certain you aren't! cows would have a harder time typing than you do. ;)

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  52. i'm an avid knitter. i like to make comments about never messing with a woman carrying sharp sticks...
    both my my daughters who read STM without fail, have since been teasing me about the first post.

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  53. I LOVE that you post the reveal conversation's audio now, and even better that you post the transcripts! Thanks SO much!

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  54. Captain Bollocks and his able seamen on his ship, Scrotum. Wow, brilliant.

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  55. Joshua Grossauer29 June 2010 15:46

    wow all I could think about while listening to the both of you was the multigrain cherios comercial that ironicaly also was from the UK. Just the dynamics behind both conversations are so similar I love it. Here is the link to the comercial, its not quite the same but the gist of it is there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IZ9CL4phPk&feature=related and this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9B2_LEoEb2A&feature=related

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  56. I can't get past the idea that the end of the bovine conversation would make a good t-shirt quote: "I don't think of you as a cow. Or any kind of heifer-like animal."

    But then, since Adam was awake for that, I suppose it doesn't qualify for an STM t-shirt, does it?

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  57. It should be a navy ship, that way it can be called Her Royal Majesty's Scrotum.

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  58. "Good Cow" oh dear...

    It's as though Adam has a split personality that prefers to venture in his dreams rather than fight for the conscious hours of the day. Horray for the crazies that rock your sleep and say things that in wakeful hours you dare not say! (Not, of course, that "cow" refers to Karen. Just that talking to a cow is crazy in itself.) <3

    "You stay right there"!

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