"You're just like an itch that I'd love to scratch… with a fucking chainsaw."
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This pleasant little number will be my last real-time post for a couple of weeks. We're leaving tomorrow for Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary for two weeks! But do not despair, for I've pre-scheduled posts from my nest-egg of STM gems. I'll miss you guys!
"It's not bullshit. It's mancrap. It means whenever I use it, I'm right."
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Adam so wishes this were true...
"Ice cream cake. Mmm. Love to the power of— I've just come in my pants. New pants, please!"
or click here"Stop throwing dinosaurs everywhere! It's gonna take me forever to get the pterodactyls down from the wardrobe. Oh, you messy little velociraptors."
What I find most amusing about this is that Adam has never had ice cream cake in his life. It's not such a thing here in the UK. But he is anticipating his first taste of what can only be a perfect combination with great excitement.
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"Well, thank you very much for taking me out of my happy place, you pus-gargling cock-turd."
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"Everybody kneel on your swimming towel. It is time to pray to the omnipotent baby squid. (chanting) Squidyyyyyy. Squidyyyyyy."
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And we had this in the middle night, as I sat up to get our restless little beagle settled:
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| ADAM: | Where are you going? |
| KAREN: | I'm putting Molly under the covers. |
| ADAM: | Okay, put Molly under the covers. Then I get ten more points worth of your attention. |
| KAREN: | (pets his head) |
| ADAM: | That's not ten more points. |
| KAREN: | I don't know what we're talking about. |
| ADAM: | Neither do I. I think I'm involved in a dream. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | Damn it. Go back to sleep quick, that was a good dream! |
| KAREN: | Go, go! |
(singing) "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. I'm going to smash all of those, all of those. I'm going to smash all of those. Yaaaaaaaaay!"
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Oh, we all remember that delightful childhood game! Smashing good fun!
"If sense of humor is a gift, yours is one of those unwanted gifts that gets passed on from person to person, never opened or appreciated. Best you keep that gift to yourself."
or click here"I'm living my life, my way. And loving it."
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Oh. Well that's an unusually healthy sentiment from STM.
"mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER!"
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And here's the rest transcribed:
| STM: | mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER! |
| KAREN: | (snorts and giggles) |
| ADAM: | Hm. What a perfectly charming way to wake up. And a good morning to you, STM.... you bastard. |
| KAREN: | Do you think you said "cock wobbler" or "cock warbler"? |
| ADAM: | How did I say it? Did I say it like "wobbler" or "waaaaaarbler"? |
| KAREN: | I dunno. Wait a minute. |
| ADAM: | What? |
| KAREN: | A cock wobbler— |
| ADAM: | is someone who goes up to you and go— Well, goes up to male genitalia and— |
| KAREN: | wobble wobble wobble! |
| ADAM: | —wobbles it. |
| KAREN: | And then, a cock warbler— |
| ADAM: | —warbler, let's not go there. (leans across to look at clock) Is that all it is? |
| KAREN: | What is it? |
| ADAM: | It's only 1:30. |
| KAREN: | It is not! |
| ADAM: | It is too! |
| KAREN: | Are you serious? I thought it was already morning. It's like Christmas! Sleepiiiiiiiiiiing! I'm so excited! |
| ADAM: | Unfortunately, being excited generally means you don't sleep. |
| KAREN: | Okay, sleeping. |
| ADAM: | See, I'm the opposite. |
| KAREN: | (drifting off) Wowwwwwww. |
| ADAM: | I'm not excited. (long pause, then voluble yawn) Jeez. |
| KAREN: | Hmm? |
| ADAM: | What? |
| KAREN: | Now I'm confused about what I was dreaming and what was real. Umm, I don't know anything. |
| ADAM: | Well, nothing's happening. So anything that is in your head is probably a dream. So, work it out from there. |
| KAREN: | Hmm. |
| ADAM: | I just dribbled. |
| KAREN: | (slurring) I love you enough that I love your dribble. |
| ADAM: | Shh. You talk too much. |
"What the fuck are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination. Reality shouldn't have to put up with your pathetic shit."
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And the reveal:
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| KAREN: | You said, "What are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination." It's like— |
| ADAM: | Hang on, wait a second, is STM talking to me? |
| KAREN: | Well, maybe STM thinks that— |
| ADAM: | he's real and I'm not. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. Wait, wait. Maybe it's like the movie Igor, where everything is backwards from the world as we know it. So, what we consider good is bad, and vice versa. So, the fact that you're this nice, generous, kind person is considered sick in his world, just as we think of him as sick in our world. |
| ADAM: | Hm. |
| KAREN: | Now we sleep. |
| ADAM: | Oh, right, okay. Thanks. |
| KAREN: | Ready? |
| ADAM: | I've been ready from the minute I woke up and you started talking. |
| KAREN: | (giggles) |
| ADAM: | Love you! |
"Are you listening to me? Are you? 'Cause the last person who didn't listen to me had their throat ripped out. So tell me: what would you like on your toast?"
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I trawled my nest-egg of quotes for the most Friday the 13th-appropriate. This was the closest I could get.
"Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?"
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Well, this one is OBVIOUSLY about me. Right, Adam?... Adam?!
"Hey, look at me! I just made bumble bee pajamas. They're so cuuuute, with their little leg holes. This one's bright fuchsia with some black spots. I think that's my favorite. And this one's got a night cap that fits right over the antennae... (gasp!) TOSS! Wing holes! I forgot to put wing holes! Oh, well. '...and all the honey was oozy woozy, sticky and gooey, but it tasted good.' Awww. Bed time story for tired little bumble bee. (whispering) Go to sleep, bee."
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"Ugh. What a mess! Everywhere, UGHHH! And up there, EWW! When are you gonna learn: when transporting giraffes, shouting "duck" every time you hit a bridge doesn't work!"
or click here"Be happy happy happy. Smile more. I said smile more, jerk."
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"If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then BEHOLD BITCHES!"
or click here"Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning— Get out of my fucking way and stop looking at the sky you idiot! Dickheaaaaaaaaaaad!"
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That's right, Americans! Here in the UK, they use "shepherd" in that idiom! I like ours better.
