Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Dec 21 2012

"(singing) 'Tis the season to be pissed off. Fa la la la la la la fuck you."

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Dec 19 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"What goes in one hole hot comes out the other hole hot. Burning fucking curry. Awesome stuff."
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"Of course blue dogs are more expensive. Pink dogs are shite."
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Dec 17 2012

Thank you so much, folks, for the lovely congratulatory comments on Friday! It really made my day.

Here's another one from a few weeks ago. By way of explanation, from the beginning, we've been referring to the baby as "the monkey," mostly because I'm a crazy animal-lover, and the thought of having a little monkey was easier to get my head around than a human baby. This unusually sweet quote (perhaps a first for STM?) came out shortly after we got the news that we are to have a girl:
"You know you're queen of the sunrise when you've got a she-monkey in your belly. That's you, queen of the sunrise."
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And the brief conversation that followed:

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KAREN: You said, “You know you’re queen of the sunrise when you’ve got a she-monkey in your belly.”
ADAM: Hello, Your Majesty. Even STM wants to make you feel good, occasionally. Well, actually, this will be the first time.


Dec 14 2012

There's been a bit of a change in our lives that has been influential on Adam's sleep talking of late. I've been saving all of those quotes until I could give them some proper context and I've decided that, for no particular reason at all, today's the day! So, here it is:

I've got a little somebody cooking in my belly! That's right, Sleep Talkin' Man will soon have an ally to help him keep me up through the night.

There's lots of excitement around the premises, of course, and mixed in we've got the expected small dose of apprehension. And that's where STM comes in...
"I'll tell you what to expect when you're expecting... AHH! (yells himself awake)"
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Keep an eye out for more pregnancy-inspired gems over the next few months.


Dec 12 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"There you go again, wasting decent oxygen on talking."
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"I just don't like those german shepherds and their achtung sheep."
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Dec 10 2012

"Baby, if you've got worms to sell, sell 'em! Enjoy."

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"It was an awful, AWFUL sight. The Carrot Stick Wars. We shall never forget. Never forget."
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Dec 7 2012

"Ooh! Straight-jackets online! Christmas sorted."

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"No, you can't bring your furry grommets in here. I said no! I swear, you bring those furry little critters in here, I'm gonna do some head stomping. Yeah, fucking furry grommet head stomping. Stomp. Stomp stomp. Squishy squishy squishy squish. See? Yeahhh."
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And the illuminating reveal:

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ADAM: Grommets are things you get in your ears, aren't they? What are grommets? I'm thinking of a little furry thing, I don't know what a grommet is.
KAREN: Okay, grommets are not furry by nature.
KAREN: Grommets are usually metal things that you put into material. The sashes for the curtains.
ADAM: Yes?
KAREN: The metal hole-things I made. That's a grommet.
ADAM: Oh! A grommet for me is a fluffy, like—
KAREN: Well, 'cause, the word is really cute.
ADAM: Kind of fluffy big googly-eyed little round thing that goes (sound effect of funny little creature) and wobbles on the ground.
KAREN: Well, the fact that that's what you thought a grommet is does explain why STM thinks that's what a grommet is. So, you knew the word "grommet" before.
ADAM: I have heard of the word "grommet."
KAREN: But you thought it was a cute furry creature with googly eyes.
ADAM: Don't laugh at me.
KAREN: Where did that idea come from? In what context have you heard the word "grommet?"
ADAM: I know I have heard the word "grommet" in relation to children's ears. They have had operations to remove grommets.
KAREN: What?!?!? Okay, I'm gonna look that up, and why would THAT be a cute furry thing with googly eyes?!
ADAM: I don't know!!
KAREN: That's really disturbing!
ADAM: I don't know anything.
KAREN: "You have a grommet growing out of your ear! We’re going to get that little critter out of there." Hold on. I'm going to put in "grommet" and "ear." Oh, yep, yep, hey! Uh… (reading) Ohhhh! A grommet is also—You know the tubes that they implant surgically in people's ears…
ADAM: What?!
KAREN: Ear tubes.
ADAM: No?! I thought it was something that grew in there. That they had to remove. I don't know. Either way, it's not a cute furry animal, is it.
ADAM: Right.
KAREN: But here's what's frightening me: you knew there was an association with ear surgery on children, and yet you still thought it was a furry little critter with googly eyes.
ADAM: Hang on, hang on, hang on. No, no, no. I am aware of the word "grommet" in association with children's ears and something wrong with them. I IMAGINE, if someone said to me a grommet is a creature, what that grommet would look like.
KAREN: Uh-huh, okay.
ADAM: I didn't— Yes. Yes. Get it right.


Dec 5 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"Everybody wriggle. Everybody wriggle. It's maggot mayhem."
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This quote has actually become far more relevant than it was when STM muttered it almost three years ago. These days, Adam is an avid fisherman, and we frequently have boxes of wriggling little maggots around the house. He's even found an online shop that ships them to you. That package did NOT go down well at work.
"My ass and my personality are the same thing. Huge and in your face."
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Dec 3 2012

"There's something in that turkey hopscotch. I can't stop watching. Gobble gobble."

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Yes, that would be an eye-catcher.
"Pink brassiere running around. Oh, it ran in the bedroom. Lie in the sun, in a little patch. Let him run around, and lie down."
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I'm thinking we need to see both of these as illustrations.

Meanwhile, don't forget to order your holiday merch in plenty of time! We've got t-shirts, baby wear, aprons, laptop sleeves, mugs and mousepads is a variety of classic STM zingers!


Nov 26 2012

I'm so sorry I've missed a week of posting, folks. I've been in the States away from Adam, suffering from ongoing jetlag, a bad cold, and constant over-eating. But I'm back in the saddle, and looking forward to going through all of the audio that's been accumulating on the recorder while I've been away!
"Jumping's for pussies. You gotta try leaping. It takes balls to leap."
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"Oh, monkey-shit coffee beans!"
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And the reveal....

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RECORDING: Oh, monkey shit coffee beans!
ADAM: Isn't there meant to be a great coffee made out of monkey poop?
ADAM: I'm sure I've heard something—
KAREN: Not made out of monkey poop, but they do something where they—
ADAM: Oh, isn't it that monkeys have eaten the coffee beans, and then—
KAREN: Yeah. I've heard that.
ADAM: You gotta Google that. Monkey shit coffee beans.
KAREN: Well, I think I probably have to use different words.
ADAM: That'd be an interesting blend to use at Costa. "I'll have a monkey shit macchiato, please."
KAREN: (typing into Google) "Coffee… monkey…" (results!) "Coffee Monkey beans: The world's most expensive coffee is from beans cycled through an Indonesian monkey's digestive system." There are other things, there's something called Kopi Luwak, "made from the beans of coffee berries which have been eaten by Asian Palm Civets, and other related civets." Yeah! You see, Sleep Talkin' Man, he's a man of the world.


Nov 16 2012

"My hand is not your butt-warmer! Remember that."

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"There's no party like a cheesy cheese cheesy cheese cheesy cheese party."
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Nov 14 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else."
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"Flap's on fire. Your flap's on fire! Chili in the vagiiiiina. I'm a bad bad boy."
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Nov 12 2012

"How the hell am I meant to put a liger between the phoenix and the unicorn?... Fuck it. I can't read Noah's writing anyway."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN: You said, "How am I supposed to fit a liger between the phoenix and the unicorn? Oh, fuck it, I can't read Noah's handwriting anyway."
ADAM: It's my fault. None of them are here.
KAREN: Awww. There are still ligers.
ADAM: (whimpering) It's my fault!?
KAREN: No, there are still ligers, don't worry!
ADAM: But the unicorns!
KAREN: That's true.
ADAM: Well, phoenixes, you know, fuck it. They rise from the dead anyway.
KAREN: So we can only blame the unicorn on you.
ADAM: Are there definitely ligers?
KAREN: Yeah. But they don't occur naturally. They happen in captivity. They're extremely intelligent.
ADAM: Really?
KAREN: Oh, yeah, they're much larger than either a lion or a tiger, and extraordinarily intelligent.
ADAM: Can they do crosswords? No, they can't, 'cause they can't hold the pencil, 'cause they haven't got an opposable thumb. Not that clever.
KAREN: It's not their fault if they don't have an opposable thumb.
ADAM: Okay. I'll concede that point. But can they do crosswords? No.
KAREN: I bet if we made a crossword in Ligerese they could.
ADAM: Oh. Ligerese. One across, four letters, a loud noise. Oh, "roar," there we go. Another four-letter word, five down, anything that moves. Ah, "food." And that's a cryptic crossword.


Nov 9 2012

"It's your birthday! YAYYYYY! I think I'll rename this day God's Greatest Fuck-up Remembrance Day."

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"Not the devil's avocado!"
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He's right. That IS scarier that the Devil's Advocate.


Nov 7 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"Yeah, keep looking. It doesn't get any better than this."
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"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."
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Nov 5 2012

"You know, you're right at the top of my list of things I couldn't give a flying fuck about. Yep, right at the top."

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And then, poor Adam had another one of his rude awakenings, care of STM (rest of transcript below):
"It’s another moose! (desperate, terrified panting) ANTLERS!!"
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STM: It’s another moose! (desperate, terrified panting) ANTLERS!!
KAREN: (snort, giggles)
ADAM: Hello.
KAREN: There was a sound outside, like, maybe around the rubbish bins? And you said, "It’s another moose!" And, this very fearful, questioning yell, "ANTLERS!"
ADAM: They’ve got big antlers, don’t they? M— Moo— Mooses? Mice? How about a mouse with antlers? They’ll keep failing over head first with the weight of it.
KAREN: Not if they were to scale.
ADAM: They’ll keep running into their little home and smacking them. They can’t get in because the antlers are too big.


Oct 31 2012

Very Manly Wednesday Rewind
"My balls are itchy. Have you got the cheese grater?"
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"Peeing standing up rules!"
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Oct 29 2012

"So, bacon-sniffing bar-mitzvah boy, we meet again. Dry cure, or no dry cure? Ball's in your court."

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And here, STM again wakes Adam in that rude way that he has.
"CUNT CHUNDER!" (rest of transcript below)
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KAREN: Mmmm-hmmm.
ADAM: I gave myself a fright.
KAREN: Yeah, that was loud and quite rude.
ADAM: Was that word "thunder?"
KAREN: Wait, what do you think you said?
ADAM: "Thunder."
KAREN: It rhymes.
ADAM: (after a long pause) I've got think of a more efficient way of rhyming than going through the alphabet and putting a new letter in front of "thunder."
KAREN: I'm pretty sure you said (small groan of disgust) "cunt chunder."
ADAM: I said what?
KAREN: Oh, you're gonna make me say it again, I can't believe it.
ADAM: With pleasure.
KAREN: "Cunt chunder."
ADAM: You see, there's something the way you said it, that with your voice, it just makes it sound polite. "I'd like some cunt chunder, please."


Oct 26 2012

"Watching you put on make-up reminds me of when pigeons shit on statues."

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Oct 24 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"My vision of hell is a lentil casserole."
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"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."
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Oct 22 2012

"It was such a good idea giving the guinea pigs wings. Flappy flappy flappy. Fat bats! Fat bats!"

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And here is Adam's awakening, with a fearful shouted query concerning our cheese status (transcription below):

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I'd like to preface this reveal by saying, in my own defense, my entire palate is not white trash. But, nostalgia goes a long way. Also, Kraft singles are delicious.
KAREN: Was that... "no cheese" or "old cheese?'
ADAM: I honestly can't help you. You're gonna have to review the recording. What I do know is that I've been left with a feeling of stress.
KAREN: Stress?
ADAM: So maybe what I shouted was stressful.
KAREN: Well, what's more stressful: no cheese, or old cheese? Personally, in my world, no cheese would be way more stressful than old cheese.
ADAM: Hmm. Having not heard the recording, and only knowing the last bit being "EESE," I would have to assume "old."
KAREN: Really? What makes you say that?
ADAM: Nope, nope, nope. I'm saying that because I'm falling asleep. Sorry.
KAREN: Well, you said something sensicle, though. Usually, if somebody talks as they fall asleep they say something really weird.
ADAM: Well I didn't mean to say "old." The word "old" just appeared in front of my eyelids.
ADAM: (clearly falling asleep again) No, it should have been "school cheese"...
KAREN: School cheese?!
ADAM: I said the word "school."
KAREN: Wow, "school cheese."
ADAM: They're the Kraft slices. Yes, we have Kraft slices.
KAREN: You do not.
ADAM: Well, we had something similar, shut up. That fake plastic cheese in individual plastic wrappers.
KAREN: Kraft singles are amazing!
ADAM: If you take them out of the cover and flung them at the ceiling, they could just stick there. They were so plasticky, even with the plastic wrapper taken off.
KAREN: No, you're wrong. That's because yours, here, sucked. If you had had Kraft singles, you wouldn't be saying those thing.
ADAM: Listen: It's not everybody's taste. You have a very particular palate when it comes to certain food stuffs.
KAREN: No matter what, there's nothing in the world as good as a grilled cheese sandwich made with—
TOGETHER: —Kraft singles.
ADAM: Ok. I cannot argue against that.


Oct 19 2012

"If you were the last person on Earth you'd still update your fucking status."

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Oct 17 2012

"Set lasers to 'cheese'. We're gonna gouda these mother fuckers. It's fondue time."

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I suspect that this one can be explained by the fact that Adam has spent two crazy weeks working on a huge display for the upcoming Star Trek convention. Also, we made the irreversible mistake of watching
Star Wars: Attack of the Clones on TV Sunday. It doesn't get better the second time around, I can tell you.

Now, does anyone want to try to make sense of this one? I've taken a crack at it:
"Wobble chops. Wobble chops and bubbly steak and ass monkey! Mmmmm."
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Oct 12 2012

"I'm only gonna take the staples out of your mouth 'cause I can't stand the humming."

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Oct 10 2012

Wednesday Rewind
"If I wanted to see a long nose and a big ass, I'd look at a horse."
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"Pork chops are most satisfying. Mmmmmmm. Dangle them from the ceiling."
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Oct 8 2012

"That's it. I'm gonna get pancakes right up in your giggle box. You won't be laughing then, rabbit munch monkey!"

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"Do the donkey face. Do the donkey face! Awww. I love you. (chuckle) Big ears...."
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Oct 5 2012

"I swear, I'm totally gonna fuck the carpe out of this diem! Let's have it."

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Oct 3 2012

"It's times like these you wanna punch an alien in the face."

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Yeah! Right in the face!
"Cock-a-hoop! That's ten in a row! Stand still, I've got two more hoops."
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And here is the ensuing discussion. Below the transcript, you can take a look at my heart-breaking attempt to illustrate the new party game, Cock-a-Hoop. When I emailed this to Adam he said, "Why have you drawn Big Bird climbing a mountain that is about to go straight up a giant ass?"

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RECORDING: Cock-a-hoop!
ADAM: Cock-a-hoop.
RECORDING: That's ten in a row.
ADAM: Ten in a row.
RECORDING: Stand still, I've got two more hoops.
KAREN: Do you think you throw hoops over a rooster's head?
ADAM: Funny you should say that, 'cause I was thinking penis.
KAREN: Ohhhhhh. Y— Yeah. Do you think it's your own penis, or somone else's penis?
ADAM: Well, no, I think it' somebody else's. But, rooster will do, actually. Rooster's a nicer image in my head.
KAREN: No, I think you're probably right.
RECORDING: Cock-a-hoop! That's ten in a row. Stand sti—
ADAM: Cock-a-hoop means, um— Isn't that when some— It's like an expression of— "I'm cock-a-hoop about it. I'm"—
KAREN: What?!?!
ADAM: I'm sure it's an expression, like "Yee-haw."
ADAM: Look it up.
KAREN: Okay, I'll look it up. (typing)"Cock-a"— Well, it's coming up as a suggestion. "Being in a state of boastful elation or exultation."
ADAM: Cock-a-hoop! Not only is it an expression, it's now a game. And when you win, you go, "Cock-a-hoop!"


Oct 1 2012

"I'm a full-time bad-ass. I just don't have space in my life for a pathetic post-fuck dribble like you."

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And poor Adam had one of his unpleasant STM awakenings:
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Sep 28 2012

"Look, let's face it, sex with you is one of those win-win situations. Just without the wins... and with a whole heap of self-loathing."

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Sep 26 2012

"Where's my box of eyebrows? Where's my box of eyebrows?! I need to look surprised, and all I've got is concerned..."

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I could not possibly be more delighted by the notion of keeping a box of eyebrows around for different expressions.

Now, I've mentioned in the past that Adam also has a bizarre way of waking up. He often snaps directly from a deep sleep to fully awake and aware, generally with some sort of completely sensible and relevant declaration.

On the morning in question, I was lying next to him, awake, but resting with my eyes closed, when he suddenly awoke with a declaration of his need to urinate. I'll admit that, in the following conversation, I may have exaggerated in accusing him of "shouting." In my defense, though, you'll have to believe that it was a lot louder than the recorder, which was buried under the covers, picked up.

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ADAM: (suddenly snaps awake) Must pee. (gets up and pads to the bathroom)
KAREN: How did you know I was awake, and you weren't necessarily waking me up by suddenly shouting "must pee?"
ADAM: The "must pee" was for my benefit, to motivate me into getting out of bed.
KAREN: I know, but how did you know I wasn't dead asleep?
ADAM: I saw your light come on.
KAREN: When?
ADAM: Just now.
KAREN: Yeah, just this second, AFTER you shouted and were already in the bathroom.
ADAM: Oh. I don't know.... Were you awake?
ADAM: Well that's alright then.
KAREN: But...
ADAM: Did I wake you?
ADAM: So, what's your problem?


Sep 24 2012

"We've got three mushrooms of love. They're for the ginger midget that lives under the stairs. We must give it to him before 6:30, though."

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I wonder if this is the midget from the wardrobe, or if STM has simply been gradually assembling a retinue of midgets.
"Cold meat. Coooold meat. Ugh, so much. Yeah, frame that one. That'll look good in the living room. Mmm-hmm, cold meat."
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Sep 21 2012

"I'm going to vote for the Secret Private Robot Party. Simple: Robots rule, mother-fucker."

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Sep 19 2012

"I'm a magical FUCKING PRINCESS! That's why I sit side-saddle, DICKHEADS! (under breath) Ignorant bastards."

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And then poor Adam woke up so unpleasantly:

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KAREN: (groan)
ADAM: Oh, Baby, I'm so sorry.
KAREN: That's ok, I was awake.
ADAM: Oh god, I was like a foghorn.
KAREN: Really?
ADAM: Sounded like it. Sounded like me going, "AH-HAAAAAAAAA," or something like that. It was horrible.
KAREN: It was not nearly so interesting in reality. It was just a "AH!"
KAREN: But I'm glad it was better for you.
ADAM: No, it wasn't! I felt like I was in a deep sleep and it pulled me right out of it.
KAREN: Oh. Did you see something?
ADAM: I wasn't dreaming. No, it was a feeling, I just felt I've been, like, sucked up through gloopiness into awakeness, and I want to go back to gloopy.
KAREN: Aww, go be gloopy.
ADAM: No, not be gloopy, be IN gloopy. It's like a soft, like, custardy kind of envelopment which I want back.
KAREN: Go ahead. Gloopy is waiting for you.


Sep 17 2012

"Don't— don't leave! No!... Not until you've tidied up the fucking place. Then you can leave."

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"Ooh! There goes one. wshhoooooo. There's another one. Will you stop throwing houses! Oh, there's another. wshhoooo. Oh, all those broken toilets, and shattered dreams... Shattered dreams."
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Sep 14 2012

"Every time I look at you, my rectum wants to vomit up my eyeballs."

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Sep 12 2012

"Seriously, there's eggs EVERYWHERE! Somebody call the chicken-whisperer."

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And the reveal!

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KAREN: You said, "There's eggs everywhere! Someone call the chicken-whisperer!"
ADAM: Has the chicken got separation anxiety issues? So every time you go away, it's just so nervous it lays eggs everywhere.
KAREN: But you'd think that would be useful.
ADAM: It stresses out the chicken, though. You know, you don't want to lie down in your bed and there's, under your duvet, or there's one right behind the front door, so it breaks and smears all over the carpet. No, you don't want that.
KAREN: The chicken just wants attention.
ADAM: But it's getting the wrong kind of attention now. It's getting negative attention. And that's a vicious circle.
KAREN: Poor chicken.
ADAM: I know.


Sep 10 2012

"Life lesson number 42: NEVER presume unicorns can ride bikes."

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"Teddy bears and razor blades: Baby Emo's birthday."
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Sep 7 2012

"Today, I will be mostly acting like a wanker. Just so you know."

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Thanks for the heads up.


Sep 5 2012

"Hey! I've told you before: I like my bananas al dente! Get it right."

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And here is the ensuing conversation, in which Adam tries to get all philosophical on us.

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ADAM: [I think that's a] direct jab at you: "I like my bananas yellow, I don't like any brown spots on them..."
KAREN: ... and I don't like any green.
ADAM: Yeah, I think that's STM's way of having a go back at you.
KAREN: Well, it's true, though. Bananas—
ADAM: Don't try and justify it. Just accept that fact that STM thinks you're a little bit crazy when it comes to your banana loving.
KAREN: Anyone will tell you that the perfect banana has lost all its green, and hasn't yet started to turn brown.
ADAM: Actually, quite a few people prefer it with a few little speckled brown spots.
KAREN: I can't help it that some people have bad taste.
ADAM: Just say: "I like my bananas a little bit less ripe—"
KAREN: I don't like them "less ripe." I like them exactly perfectly ripe!
ADAM: But that's not exactly perfectly ripe.
KAREN: Losing all green is ripe. Anything beyond that is rotten.
ADAM: One little freckle of a brown spot—
KAREN: That's heading for rot.
ADAM: Let's face it, darling, the minute we're born we're all heading for rot.


Sep 3 2012

"You know what they say: Cometh the hour, cometh the awethomeneth."

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Love that lisp!

This utterance caused me to research from whence cometh the phrase "Cometh the hour, cometh the man." It actually originated during a game of cricket! Oh, those witty bowlers.


Aug 31 2012

"If I was your friend, I would have recommended you didn't come out with your face like that."

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"Bicycle race strip tease!"
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Adam said this one a few weeks ago, during the Olympics. Wouldn't that be a great new event for the velodrome? Cyclists have to remove an item of clothing with every lap around. Awesome!


Aug 29 2012

(in commentator tone) "Oh, you can feel the anticipation here at the dung beetle derby. We're just waiting for the elephants, and then it'll be go go go."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN: "So much anticipation at the dung beetle derby. We're just waiting for the elephants, and then it's go go go."
ADAM: I do like my commentary, don't I? I must be a really bad comentator, 'cause I get sent to all the shit sports.
KAREN: The farmyard roller disco. The penguin parade. And the dung beetle derby. I'd like these.
ADAM: It's like being a news anchor for a really really really small bad local TV station.


Aug 27 2012

"Your mouth is like a weeping rectum, constantly dripping shit."

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Aug 24 2012

"Nope, sex can wait. I want pie!"

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Aug 22 2012

"It's amazing. Perfect. Not a piece missing. Total in every way. Outstanding. Yeah. You really are... a complete cunt."

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"...And that's how you get wood lice in your crotch. True."
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I wish I'd heard the beginning of that story, so I'd know how to avoid getting wood lice in my crotch. For those of you not up on your entomology, here's a wood louse. We've got loads of them in the UK. It's like an armadillo the size of your pinky fingernail, but creepy:


Aug 20 2012

First, we had the warm-up:

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And then things got going..."
"'I love you too' is a fucking crap response. Give me fireworks, and a freakin' marching band! It's the least I deserve."
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Aug 17 2012

"Of course I considered becoming a vegetarian to help solve the food hunger problem... Bazinga! Nah, I'd probably eat a vegetarian to help solve the food hunger problem. Fucking vegetarians."

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So, this is Adam, channeling STM, channeling the darker side of Sheldon?
"Everything's all custardy. Mmmmm, custard. It's a bowl full of yellow love. Shlooby looby looby looby loob... (sounds of lip-smacking)"
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Aug 15 2012

"You make less sense than a mouthful of cum. Accept it."

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Well, anyway, I can think of a few people who might disagree with the sentiment.

And some time in the night, we had this little exchange:

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ADAM: UH! What!
KAREN: What—
ADAM: What's going on?!
KAREN: I was just giving you a hug.
ADAM: What—
KAREN: (whining) I didn't do anything.
ADAM: There was a cold sword.
KAREN: A cold sword? Is my hand cold? I'm sorry.
ADAM: That's okay, I parried it.
KAREN: You parried it?
ADAM: Yes. I was excellent.
KAREN: Okay, come on.
ADAM: Shh. Go to sleep.
KAREN: My feet are freezing.
ADAM: Why don't you stick 'em up Molly. I mean, on Molly?
KAREN: I have been putting them on Molly.
ADAM: Well, put them on me.
KAREN: I'm trying to untie my—
ADAM: Don't make it difficult.
KAREN: You're difficult.
ADAM: Shhhhhhhhh.
KAREN: (giggles)
ADAM: What? You're laughing at "parried it" still, aren't you?
KAREN: (a single indulgent chuckle)
ADAM: I know what I'm taking about. I've done fencing.


Aug 8 2012

"Hey, I'm a fucking flying squirrel. I can piss where I fucking well want! Yeeeaaaah."

 or click here


Aug 6 2012

"I loved you the minute I realized you were a tax break and you also gave head."

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Aug 3 2012

"I shit gold, piss silver, and puke bronze. I don't need a medal to tell me how fucking awesome I am. Got that, bitches?"

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Now THAT'S the Olympic spirit!


Aug 1 2012

"Oh, the joy of watching dyspraxic hamster volleyball. Look at their little legs! Aww. Oops! He's fallen over again (delighted chuckle)."

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Sounds like STM's got himself a case of Olympics fever!


Jul 30 2012

"You're so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, I'm so cool. And I'm like, blah blah blah blah shut the fuck up. Seriously."

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Sometimes, Molly the little beagle has to get up in the night to pee. She nudges her way out from under the covers, jumps down from the bed, and trots down the hall to the kitchen where we leave out a wee-wee pad for just such occasions. Although our bedroom is carpeted, the long hallway is wood flooring, and her adorable little claws make quite a clicking. Here's STM's interpretation of Molly coming back to the bedroom.
"(Molly click click clicks up the hall) TURN OFF THE RAIN! (she steps on to the bedroom carpet) Thank you."
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Jul 27 2012

"Ninja, or history teacher… Ninja, or history teacher… Hmmm…. Teach magna carta, or fuck you up with throwing stars… Hmmmm, tricky."

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"Wow. I see gravity's gone to town on your ass."
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