Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100718

July 18 2010

"You know it's time to get up when you've got cold butt cheeks. Nothing worse. Goddamnit, I married you, the least you can do is lay across my ass and make 'em warm. Nothing else is working. (fiercely demanding) Warm my bottom, woman! Okay, I'm sorry. (whining pathetically) I don't like a cold bottom."

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By this point, I was feeling a moral imperative to cover Adam's exposed ass. I got out of bed, picked up the blanket, walked around to his side of the bed, and laid the blanket very gently on top of him...


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Before transcribing, I just want to mention here that, generally speaking, I do not use the word "bottom" among adults. I was merely quoting Adam.

For those who are only reading, just imagine that "(laughing)" is added in at every line.

ADAM: Ah! What'choo doing? What are you doing?!
KAREN: You- You've just been talking on and on about your cold bottom! You've been-
ADAM: Go away! It's not cold, it's airing.
KAREN: You- Adam, listen to me-
ADAM: What?
KAREN: You even said, "I married you, the least you can do is lie across me and warm my bottom." And I started to feel so bad, that I finally decided to come cover your- cover your ass.
ADAM: You decided to wake me up.
KAREN: No- Adam-
ADAM: You attacked me with the blanket.
KAREN: Adam, why would I- why would I ever wake you up when you're talking and I want you to keep talking?
ADAM: No, my bottom's not cold, I like to air it. It has a mass so great, it gets so hot anyway.
KAREN: Adam, I'm trying to tell you-
ADAM: Listen baby, come- I love you and I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but you woke me up.
KAREN: Well, I didn't know what to do. You just kept going on and on about it.
ADAM: I go on and on about lots of things, most of the time you ignore me.
KAREN: But this time- I mean, this one seemed relevant to real life. I looked over and saw that it was in fact exposed. And then I started to feel so bad. You said, "I don't like having a cold bottom," and so I came to cover it because I was worried about you.
ADAM: That I'd get hypothermia of the ass?
KAREN: I didn't like you sounding so distressed.
ADAM: Oh, but baby, you threw the blanket on top of me.
KAREN: I laid it- You perceive that, but I actually laid it very gently.
ADAM: Oh, I felt like I was attacked by a heavy flat thing.

62 comments:

  1. 'Warm my bottom, woman!'

    Genius. And kudos to Karen for actually wanting to help out after being addressed by STM like that ;)

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  2. oh my God!! That was absolutely hilarious!!!
    Best line that cracked me up was "That I'd get hypothermia of the ass?" followed by a close 2nd..."I go on and on about lots of things, most of the time you ignore me."
    Sometimes I don't know what's funnier, the sleep talking or the "reveal". Awesome stuff!

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  3. This is great, but Karen, he's not saying ass, he's saying arse.

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  4. Reminiscent of George Burns and Gracie Allen.

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  5. "I felt like I was attacked by a heavy flat thing"

    Absolute genius...

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  6. 4ever =O) laughter18 July 2010 12:51

    Bottoms Up!...butt cheeks ahoy!
    - too cool; to air out -

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  7. Would like to agree with Kirst - as a british person, "ass" is a donkey, "arse" is what adam was on about :D

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  8. Aww- she was just trying to help, Adam!

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  9. Also agree with Kirst. He definitely says "arse".

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  10. OMG best one in awhile. My cheeks (face) hurt from laughing so hard.

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  11. I'm not sure which was funnier - his sleep talking, or you two going on about waking him up!

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  12. That was indeed quite...well, I can't find words to describe that awesomeness.

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  13. Dying laughing. Best STM EVER.

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  14. Oh dear. This is a pleasant birthday gift ;). It seems that STM and Adam have different opinions about whether or not their butt should be exposed XD.

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  15. Too funny! I love you guys. I wouldn't miss checking you out every day for a chuckle!

    Lauren,
    U.S.

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  16. I'm smiling from ear to ear! I laughed so hard while reading/listening to this, this morning!

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  17. Best reveal ever!
    Adam you are so funny! Even awake!
    And Karen seems like such a nice and patient person.

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  18. Wait, I always thought that "arse" was a polite transliteration to avoid writing or printing "ass." Are you people saying that you actually do pronounce the r? I didn't hear that at all, I heard "ass."

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  19. I think I like the ones where Adam (yells and) wakes up for the recount the best.

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  20. hahahahaha... hypothermia of the ass!

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  21. I adore the pair of you arse cheeks 'n' all ;-)

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  22. marilyn - no, arse is the REAL word. ass is the bizarre americanism, which as I said earlier, is in fact a donkey. :D :D Of all the weird american ways of saying things, this is the one that irritates me most!! :p

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  23. this is an instant classic! OMG it's simply on my arse laughing so hard!

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  24. Tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard at this exchange; I had to go find a tissue. I, like Karen, would have thought he was talking to me in real world scenario and done exactly the same thing: forcefully heaved the blanket atop his chilly bottom.

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  25. 2manywhiskers18 July 2010 18:23

    That is the funniest reveal ever and the most I've laughed yet!!

    I love how he says "a-i-r-ing" and "I like to a-i-r it", and "attacked by a heavy flat thing" - gad how hilarious. And "I looked over and saw that it was in fact exposed." LOL!

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  26. "It's not cold, it's airing" Bwahahahahaha, oh my the tears of laughter I'm suffering from.

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  27. OMG. I HEART you both sooooooo much! hahahhaha

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  28. have to agree with others... sometimes the reveals are funnier than the sleep talking.
    "That I'd get hypothermia of the ass?"
    Still giggling.

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  29. You two are brilliant entertainment! Thank you so much for sharing, even with all the personal embarrassment it must cause you Adam :-D
    And poor Karen, it must be very confusing to have a man who wants two completely different things ;-)

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  30. ♥♥♥♥!!!

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  31. jesus christ the people whining in the comments about ass vs. arse are annoying

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  32. Omg, this is so funny! I love it!!! I wish my man would sleep talk...

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  33. oh my gosh, you two are so cute.

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  34. And just when I think y'all can't be any funnier...

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  35. I keep up with your blog because some of them are really funny, but I have to admit I think this is the first one that ever made me cry from laughing so hard. Absolutely hilarious!

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  36. @Anonymous at 21:53 - Flying Spaghetti Monster, people whining about people whining in the comments are annoying. I didn't perceive anyone as "whining", but as being genuinely confused about a "two nations divided by a common language" difference in spelling and pronunciation. It takes less energy to scroll past such comments than it does to post about them being annoying.

    @Adam & Karen - Love it! You two are wonderful. This reveal really was the best yet.

    @Marilyn B - As an Anglophile Yank, I can confirm that most Brits say "arse" - there is, however, difference in how strongly the R is pronounced. Adam's accent is one that doesn't emphasize it as much, but it's there. :-)

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  37. Well, now we know... Adam likes to "air" out his bum while STM does not!

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  38. Hours and hours later it occurs to me that here in the US, to 'warm ones bottom' means to get an old fashioned spanking.

    Makes today's quote even funnier... Warm my bottom, woman!

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  39. lol! this is the best post ever!
    (I'm still laughing!)
    karen: you are so sweet!!!
    stm: love all your intonations!!
    adam: u are as funny as stm sometimes. . .specially in this post! u are cracking me up!!!

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  40. I laughed very hard while reading this.
    ----------------------
    Top Bpo companies and Processes

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  41. Okay I didn't read yesterday and this morning I got a double treat.

    Love the reveal.

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  42. I suffer from hypothermic bottom on a regular basis. We have a technical term for it. We refer to it as an asscycle (arsecycle for the britishly-enclined...) Luckily my husband loves cold and does not jump out of bed when I cuddle up for a little warmth...

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  43. The condition of having an hypothermic bottom has a name. In Canada it is known as an asscycle.

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  44. Oh my god. I listen to this at work and had to stop myself from laughing out loud. I actually have tears in my eyes. First off, this is hilarious. Second, you guys are absolutely adorable. :-D

    Karen, I apologize if you've already answered this elsewhere, but I'm really curious. How do you manage to hear all these gems and still get any sleep? Do you leave the recorder on all night and then go back to it in the morning, and if so how do you skip to the parts of the night where Adam's actually talking? Or do you just stay up all night? I hope you're still getting some rest! :)

    Best,

    Kathleen / chibideath (in previous comments)

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  45. I fail to see what's so funny about this.

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  46. If you fail to see what is so funny then you need to go buy yourself a sense of humor...this never fails to put a smile on my face.

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  47. Just the laugh i needed to star the day right. This has to be one of my favorite posts yet! I about fell of my chair when hypothermia of the backside came up :)

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  48. I absolutley love the waking exchanges in the middle of the night. Do share more as they occur!!

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  49. Oh, the arse/ass debate. It always makes me laugh. The defenders of 'arse' don't realize that mostly they sound to non-Brits like they're saying 'ass' anyway.

    It's not that the British don't pronounce their r's, but North American r's are very strong. So it sort of sounds that way to us, though some British accents have stronger r's than others.

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  50. Wow.... I needed that! Sooooo funny!

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  51. This is the best conversation you guys have ever put on the blog, I think.
    Jesus.

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  52. OMG! I think this is my most favorite STM EVER! I am still laughing with tears in my eyes! And I love the fact you needed to have a conversation about it after--that just adds to the funniness!

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  53. You do usually do ignore him Karen, you have to admit. Remember you didn't call 9-9-9 when he was clucking in his sleep! :)

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  54. Please please please tell me that some of the wonderful tidbits from both aspects of this post (the actual STM and the reveal) are going to make it to merch!! Since I've found your blog, I've kept up with it diligently, and I'm pretty sure this is the funniest thing yet...except the scratchy things.

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  55. I have to say this is by far the best one yet

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  56. I've come back and listened to this one every day since it was posted. Sure cracks me up! Thank you for making me laugh every morning.

    Aloha from Hawaii,
    K

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  57. I'm sitting in this echo-happy office SQUINTING my face into a mush TRYING SO GOSH DARN HARD NOT TO LAUGH my BUTTOCKS OFF!

    ADAM: Oh, I felt like I was attacked by a heavy flat thing.

    That was the DEFINITE cherry on top!! The BLANKET MONSTER OF SUFFOCATION!

    OH DEAR!

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  58. Wow. I had to listen to the transcription 3 times. I laughed so hard that I cried every time!

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