Apr 30 2010

"Ugh. Today couldn't have got any worse. And then you come skipping into frame. A son of a bitch. Arsehole."

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"Hmmm. Hmmmhmmm. La-la-la la-la-la. New trousers. Feeling smooth. La-la-la."

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"Oh, this is a one man job. A very big man with six arms and enough ears for each one of your fucking suggestions."

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"Drilling... drilling... keep on drilling... drill... Oops! Fuck me."

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"You tap-dancing hamsters. You rock my world, with your little blurry feet."

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"Oh, let go of my hand. The pony, he's got my hand! Someone kill the fucking pony, he's got my hand! Oh! Fuck! Oh! OW!"

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Karen's notes: Wow. What a night. I put four more aside, if you can believe it. This nears Adam's record of eleven in one night.

What you hear at the end of that last one is Adam waking up in great pain, having gotten his hand stuck between the slats of the headboard. He has made me feel extremely guilty for finding his injury amusing.

Here's something mildly interesting: Adam has an important meeting today with a client. And he had an important meeting on Wednesday, having chattered his head off Tuesday night. A pattern, perhaps?

Merch update: Nope, I was wrong, the ringtone shop has NOT sorted out their US delivery issues. I'll be using a new shop starting later today.

Added later: Ok, I have officially given up on that ringtone shop. Here is the link to the new one, with 14 new ringtones!

Apr 29 2010

"Oh, get up and wash your shadow. It's filthy. Filthy!"

"Ninjas in stilettos. Fashion assassins! Not so stealthy, but oh so stylish!"

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Karen's notes: Well, I guess after Adam's impressive performance the night before last, he needed a night off. These are from the stockpile.

Merch update: Our ringtone shop has finally worked out their issues with delivering to the United States. It's ringtones for everybody again! And I'll be adding about 15 more later today, including "great day." There will even be a bit of never-before-heard audio there, so you might want to go over for a listen, even if you have no interest in buying.

Added later: The ringtone shop is having ANOTHER technical problem, which prevents me from putting up the 15 new ones. But, there are 26 classics up there now!

Apr 28 2010

"I know. It's incredible. It's me!"

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"What's the time? Goddamit!... What's the time? Fucking shite!... What's the time? Great, now I'm gonna be fucking late. Next time answer me the first time. Titty fuck!"

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"Oooh. You know what would be good? Arse bags. Big bags full of arse."

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"I think my feet are turning to jelly. Can't stand up straight anymore. Feel like a weeble."

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"You're in the crosshairs of my love. And my aim is true. Bitch."

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Karen's notes: A special treat today - all the audio!

I was just getting back into bed from the bathroom when Adam asked, "What's the time?" I couldn't figure out if he was awake or asleep, that being, of course, the logical question to ask upon waking unexpectedly. Not that he usually swears like that when awake but, you know, no one really likes waking up in the dead of night. He kept asking, and I was suspended in confused silence, waiting for a sign. Once he got to "now I'm gonna be fucking late," my confusion evaporated.

When he said "arse bags," I thought, "did he just say arse bags?" And then, as if hearing my silent question, he made himself perfectly clear. By that time, I was starting to lose it, as you can hear.

Those of us who grew up in the 80s certainly know what weebles are. "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!" Does that ring a bell? For you young 'uns out there, this is a weeble. You smack them, and they pop right back up! To fully understand what he was saying, you need to remember that, in the UK, "jelly" = jell-o.

By the time he got to "crosshairs of my love," he had rolled over and had his arm around me. When he ended with "Bitch," I broke down laughing. He woke up, hearing a gasping sounds and feeling my body shake, and asked me with great concern why I was crying.

I never did get back to sleep.

Apr 27 2010

"I speak the truth, so listen up, shysters!"

"Catch it. Catch it... Use both hands! It's legs are still wiggly! Now clap. (sinister laugh) Niiiiice."

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Karen's notes: These are saved from last night. Sometimes, when there are a bunch in one night that have killer audio, I just have to put some aside for a night he doesn't talk. That way, everyone can appreciate each more fully.

Apr 26 2010

"We need a bigger boat. This one is just so rockety wibble. Ahhh. It's wobbling again. It wibbles and it wobbles. Make it stop. Ugh. I've gone green. Please make it stop, please! Well, thank you.

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"Yay! It's my birthday today. And you're going to give me presents. Big fuck-off presents. Lots of them... WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?! Tossbag."

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Karen's notes: I can explain that first one. I had insomnia and was bored. So, in an experiment to see how I could affect Adam's sleep talking, I started wiggling to shake the bed slightly. You can imagine how guilty I felt when it resulted in him apparently getting seasick and begging for it to stop. Oops. Bad wife.

As for his joyful birthday celebration, he actually woke himself up yelling "where are my presents." Just in time, too, because I was having trouble holding in my laughter.

Apr 25 2010

"Bouncing round the toadstool. It's a gnome jump-off for those little buggers in their red hats."

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"Lion!"
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Karen's notes: "Lion" was shouted upon waking, in response to me caressing Adam's shoulder lovingly. I must admit, though, I was doing it on purpose, knowing he would yell out the name of some creature or another.

Merch update: For those of you in the UK, I have finally gotten the UK shirt shop caught up on products. Sorry 'bout the lag

Apr 24 2010

This was one of Adam's truly bizzarro nights. First he says this:

"Where have all the von Goodles gone? It's a mysteryyyyyy."

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Then, about 3 minutes later, with nearly identical inflection:

"So, where have all the von Goodles gone? I don't know. It's a mysteryyyyyy."

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And, no, we don't know any von Goodles.

Later:

"Never before have I had the opportunity to ride one of these wonderful creatures. I'm gonna take it slow, and make it last all day. Mmmm-hmmm. I love saddling up my hamster."

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Apr 23 2010

"I'm gonna fucking tear you limb from limb, and use your arm like a loofa and your face to clean my crack and balls. Now just go away."

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"To think your mum and dad were sober when they decided to have you. It beggars belief."
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Karen's notes: Remember two days ago, when I said it was a whole night of STM at his meanest? These are the other awful things he said. Who IS this man in my bed?!

To my great astonishment, yesterday's quote was a massive hit! It broke the record for "likes" on Facebook, it was retweeted like crazy, and there were so many shout-outs for merch, I had to oblige. It's on shirts, mugs, and mousepads now.

AND, the US shirt shop is doing a special for Mother's Day: free shipping on women's apparel. Use coupon code MAY1.

Apr 22 2010

"I'm gonna have a great day.... Don't you fuck it up."

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Apr 21 2010

"You really are life's wet patch. An embarrassing little stain that no one wants to admit to.... or sleep on."

"God, you whine like whale song. But a lot less erie and beautiful and more, well, fucking annoying. Fuck off you FUCK FUCK. Dick fuck! Can you tell I don't like you?"

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"You over there, you're going to be my friend today... I don't know about tomorrow, let's just get through today, arsehole."
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Karen's note: Ummm... I just don't know what to say about these. What a jerk! There was even more-- I put a couple aside for a night Adam doesn't talk-- and they were all horrible. And yet, Adam wakes up cheerful and delightful. Or perhaps this is WHY Adam wakes up cheerful and delightful.

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Apr 20 2010

"I've got you by the balls. An uncomfortable situation for both of us.... but one I'm going to savor."

"Mine's a potato martini. Serve it cold."

"Tiptoeing elephants? Come on guys, give it up. I can see you! You're huge!"

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Karen's notes: I had recorder issues last night. Adam was chattering away for a while before I looked over and realized that the batteries had died in the night. I changed them and caught these, but I was pretty gutted over whatever I had missed. Something about leathery toad soup.

Apr 19 2010

"Oh, I could be rummaging around in here for ages, I'm never going to find some zebra ears!"

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Karen's note: For you Americans out there, yes, zebra is pronounced with a short e sound in the UK. And it's used a lot, because an English "zebra crossing" is a US "cross walk" (black and white stripes, get it?). Thus, embarrassingly, that is how I have come to pronounce it as well.

Audio update (please, god, let it be the last one): A few people were still have trouble. So, just to be safe, I added a backup link to the audio. Anyone who can't see the player should definitely be able to use that.

Apr 18 2010

"I don't wanna go down the slide. It's too high. Far too high. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!...... I feel sick now."

"Headstands are for girls only. When they wear skirts."

"Hands up who wants sweets! Hands up! Awwwwww. You've got no hands. Sucks to be you, sweets for me."

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Karen's notes: Sounds like Adam spent the evening in a playground... for amputees?

Audio update: ARGH!

I finally decided yesterday to put up two players for each clip, one the worked on all web browsers, one for iPhone peeps. After implementing it on loads of past posts (which took forever), I discovered that the iPhone one was causing all sorts of problems. So I had to take it back down.

iPhone users, I will keep looking for something for you guys.

For those who have been missing out on the audio all along, I have applied the new player to the "Audio" page, which has all the clips that have ever been put up on the blog.

Apr 17 2010

"Garlic cheese! Double death to you, you lactose intolerant vamp man!"

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Karen's note: Get it? Double death! 1) Cheese (lactose intolerant), and 2) Garlic (vampire man)! Ok, I needed Adam to spell it out for me this morning.

Shameless merch plug: Finally got the new shirts, mugs, and mousepads in! I had to include "Beware the werepig" at the last moment. Still need to get the UK shirt shop up-to-date.

Audio update: I'm still working out the best way to put up audio. I'm testing some players on the FAQ page. If you want to help, go over there and let me know which ones are working for you.

Apr 16 2010

"Bags of shopping. Bags of clothes. Bags of shite. Get away from me, bag lady. Away!"

"Don't push me! I'll fucking push you back. Push you back with double fist fury!"

"Beware the Werepig. Stay off the mud. Stay off the mud, I say!"

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"Are you listening? Are you? You listening good? Keep listening... PISS OFF MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WEEK-OLD BAG OF WANK! Thank you for listening."

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Karen's notes: Yes, you heard right, Werepig-- a distant relative, I assume, of the werewolf. I would really love for someone to draw me a picture of a werepig.

I love how that last one ends up sounding like a public service announcement.

Added later: the audio player I had been using suddenly seems to be having a problem. I've replaced it with a Google one temporarily. Hopefully, that will work for everyone. If so, I'll replace the code for all the audio clips later. If you can't see/play the audio clips above, please let me know in the comments, and tell me what browser you are using.

Added later later: I'm still looking for a way to embed audio that will work for everyone. In the meantime, I've put in links to open them in your own media players.

Apr 15 2010

"You try so hard, and you fall so short. Just give up, numbnuts. It will save you a lifetime of pain and shame. Your life: fail."

"Bangelina, it's not the same. Bingo, bongo, bangelina. They just can't work together."
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Karen's notes: It was a sadly quiet night, these are from my stockpile.

Thanks to everyone who voted in the t-shirt poll. The results are undeniable. New shirts and mugs should be up later today.

Oh, and don't forget to file your taxes!

Apr 14 2010

"Kiss me now! These lips aren't gonna be here for long, you know."

"Chinchillaaaaa. It's a frisky one!"

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Karen's notes: I'd say Adam's a bit more relaxed now that I'm home, wouldn't you? I love his little sing-song.

Apr 13 2010

"I like to picture you as road kill. Reversing over your body again and again, putting you out of your fucking misery."
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Karen's notes: Just got back to the UK and Adam this morning, to find this lovely gem waiting for me on the recorder. Ouch.

(For those who worry about my feelings, no need. I'm pretty secure in the knowledge that it was not aimed at me).

I really enjoyed yesterday's extensive debate in the comments on french grammar and the like. Thanks everyone, for your extremely entertaining and educational input.

Apr 12 2010

"Matisse!"

"Blinding like lightning. Thunder is my roar. Feel my awesome power."

"Touche (blah blah blah in french). Now its MY turn to fuck you up. Cunt face."

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Karen's notes: French speakers out there, we need your help. Not only do I have no idea what Adam is saying here, Adam has no idea what he is saying. He doesn't speak french. So, either it is gibberish, or my husband is channeling Napoleon.

Added later: We've been advised that he is saying "mon petit frere" which means "my little brother."

Added later later: A few people think Adam is saying "mon petit fleur" or "my little flower". I suppose we'll never know for sure, although if it came down to a vote for funnier, I'd go for this one.

Apr 11 2010

"Llama clouds! Mmmmm. Great big bug-eyed fluffy ones... Oh great! Now they spit. Bollocks."

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(mumbles a bit, then) "Bop one.... bop two... bop three.... dink... dink.... I'm counting bops. Not dinks. You can shove your dinks where the sun don't shine."

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"Yeah. I'm gonna cook monkey brain. Tell them it's cauliflower. I love the sound of veggies retching in the toilet."

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Karen's notes: I just couldn't possibly choose between the audio, so you guys got them all as a special treat!

A reader of the blog came up to say hi at my brother's show last night. It was so lovely. Thanks, Kalika!

Apr 10 2010

"You can tell that turkey when it comes back here that it's not welcome. You tell it gooooood."

"I am one red-hot leather clad monster basher. Bashing is my business."

"Here I am! Perfection on two legs."

Apr 9 2010

"You call that work? I call that a fucking fatal accident. I'm a witness to your carnage!"

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Karen's notes: I hope Adam's colleagues don't visit the blog today.

I don't know how this fits in with my newly forming theory about how chatting with me before bed effects Adam's talking. One single saying in a night? That's almost never happened. I think Sleep Talkin' Man is messing me about.

Irrelevant plug continued: Listen to my brother interviewed on NPR!

Apr 8 2010

"Just the thought of kissing you makes me want to take a vegetable peeler to my lips."

"When did the lizard start talking? Someone tell me. Freaking the fucking shit out of me."
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Karen's notes: Again, these were from my stock. No talking last night. And here is what I notice about that: Last night, and the night before, I was out and about with friends. Because of the time difference, Adam and I never got to Skype to catch up on the day and say goodnight. Connection? Or coincidence? Hmmmmm.

I've made specific plans around Skyping with Adam before he goes to bed tonight. In fact, he'll be a guest at a dinner party I've organized. We'll set him up at the table and everything. So let's see what happens tomorrow morning.

Apr 7 2010

"It's growling. Shhh, it's growling closer... It's an angry thing, a big angry thing. It likes cabbage, though... I can't stop it growling! Shhh... You're not much fucking help."

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(yelled out suddenly, into the dead silence): "SOAPY FUCKING TIT WANK!.... That'll teach him."

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Karen's notes: Sleep Talkin' Man must be getting depressed. He didn't make a peep last night. So these are from the honeymoon stock.

These were both from the same night. It was the beginning of the second week, a new set of volunteers had just arrived, and a lovely older Australian couple had moved into the hut next to ours. The walls are just bamboo, so you can hear EVERYTHING. I was mortified.

Unrelated point: Remember how I mentioned my brother's show in Boston a few days ago? Well, I'll be in attendance Saturday night with my ENTIRE FAMILY, so if any of you are there, please come find me and say hello!

Apr 6 2010

"Lockshen for the masses. It's a noodle revolution!"

"Mmmm, plug me in. Amplify our love. Fill my ears with 'I love youuuuuu'."
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Karen's notes: Today, lots of you non-Jews out there (and probably a number of Jews as well) are going to get an education! Lockshen is a flat egg noodle used in chicken soup or to make kugel, the noodle casserole that most Jews out there know too well from holiday family dinners. Here's a horrifyingly close-up serving of kugel:



Brings back memories, doesn't it?

A couple of confessions: 1) Kugel is delicious when it is made well, and I love it. I had three pieces last night at my mom's (although that was potato kugel). 2) I had no idea what lockshen was. We just called them "egg noodles." I listened to that audio 20 times, and finally emailed it to Adam totally stumped. He clued me in.

As for that second one, how sweet, in a creepy-way-to-ask-for-sex kind of way. And he didn't even say it in an ironic tone. Sleep Talkin' Man is going soft on us.

Apr 5 2010

"I've got to get me two or more of those little fellas if I'm going to be able to make goblin soup. Mmmhmm. It's so true."

"It's a fajita fight."
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Karen's notes: Poor things! Goblins have families too, you know.

I'm having so much fun buying STM onesies for all of our US baby friends. I think Superstar Donkey Jockey is the best (just imagine a little kiddie galloping away), but Adam prefers the ego-wanking options for tiny tots.

I can't believe that none of you commented on my new top navigation yesterday. The buttons change color when you scroll over them and everything. Come on, validate me!

Apr 4 2010

"Oh the cactus needs a hug! Go on, make it feel needed. Do it, fuck features. Do it now. Caress the spine."

"Of course it's your tomato. You can do what the fuck you want with it. Except have sex with it."

"You can't do that to a jellyfish. I'm calling the authorities. You dirty jelly molester."

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Karen's notes: Well, we certainly have an answer to the question that has niggled at mind: Does Adam talk when I am not present?

I had a lot of trouble figuring out the second half of that first one. I actually had to email the clip back to Adam for a translation. Apparently, "fuck features" is a rarely-used insult, one that Adam himself hasn't used since he was a teenager.

I notice a theme today of intimate behavior with non-human organic entities. Is this symptomatic of Adam missing me? Ugh.

Apr 3 2010

We had success on our first night of Adam recording himself and emailing it to me in the States!

"We gotta put a mask on your chicken. You don't want to recognize it. Put glasses on it. Just to be safe."

"No. No. I WON'T make you a cup of tea. You can have a cup of my hot piss instead."

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Karen's note: I love how he sounds like a petulant child on "I won't make you a cup of tea."

interim post

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm visiting family in the US, so things are going to be different around here for the next week and a half. First of all, the post won't go up until morning US time. I may be dedicated, but I'm not waking up at 2 am. Secondly, Adam has to set the recorder himself at night, then email me the audio file in the morning, so we'll have to see how that goes. It's going to be weird for me to listen without having heard the quotes firsthand through a sleepy stupor. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that it goes smoothly!

Apr 2 2010

"Shit sandwich. That's what you're going to get. Shit shit shit arse-bread sandwich."

"Yeah, my balloons! Watch them dancing in the sun. Aren't they- Fuck! Fuck, you little fuck! Your kid's a tossbag for popping them. Tossbag kid."

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That one just broke my heart. He was so excited about his balloons. But he seemed to recover quickly:

"If I'm gonna be in charge, I need a cape. You can't do the job without a cape. Take me to the cape tailor."

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At this point, I rolled over, away from Adam, which he answered with:

"Don't run away. It's ok. All I want to do is share my love for you."

Isn't that sweet? What a shocker.

An hour later, I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back, Adam had rolled into the middle of the bed, and had his arm stretched across my side. I stared at it for 5 minutes, trying to figure out how I was going to get my spot back. Finally, I decided to gently lift it by the wrist and move it over. I had barely touched it when...

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I should explain that Jungle Boy is a rambunctious teenage elephant at the Elephant Nature Park that we just came from.

Added later: if you look on the Facebook fan page at the album from our honeymoon, the elephant with the big tusks is Jungle Boy!

Apr 1 2010

"Let's have a dribbling competition. Don't spit. Just dribble."

"I want viking horns. Fuck-off big pointy ones. Yeah, vikings. I've got an urge to pillage your arse."

"My beard can tell a thousand stories. My mouth, however, just says, 'fuck you, stop staring at my beard, weirdo.'"

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Karen's notes:

I'm curious as to the objective in a dribbling competition. Is it to produce the highest volume of saliva? Is it to dribble non-stop for the longest period of time? How, precisely, do you out-dribble your competitors?

Concerning the beard comment, this one can be easily explained. Adam went out to dinner/drinks last night with clients, one of whom reportedly had quite a remarkable beard. It obviously left an impression.

By the way, if you were among a table of people at a Belgian restaurant last night, and you chimed in when you heard another table reading from/talking about this blog, it turns out that you were unknowingly in the presence of Sleep Talkin' Man himself! You were probably just too distracted by the beard to notice. Seriously, though, Adam apologises for not identifying himself. He was trying to be discreet.

As for his mumblings about viking horns... ugh, what can I possibly say?