Feb 28 2011

"Ladies and gentlemen, in the event of sudden change of pressure in the cabin, you may wish to scream into your masks. SCREAM BITCHES."

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Feb 27 2011

"Why the hell have you got a big-arse turtle? Well what'choo gonna do with it? You need to get a big satchel and carry it 'round and feed it crackers. Yeah. Then it'll purr and be happy."

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"Yeah. It's a long journey to find your soulmate. So here's a one-way ticket to somewhere far away, now FUCK OFF!"

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Karen's notes: Just before we went to sleep last night, we watched an extreme fishing show* in which they accidentally caught a HUGE snapping turtle. It was a 200-pounder, so I'm not sure about the feasibility of carrying it around in a satchel. Don't worry, the turtle escaped unscathed.

* We watch these TV shows when Adam's son is here, because he is obsessed with fishing. I was amazed to discover that there are, like, at least FIVE such programs.

As for the last one, Adam woke himself up with his final directive. We really hope the kids didn't hear.

Feb 26 2011

"Red panda… Blue panda… Blue panda… Green! Panda, stop changing colours. Someone go and get chameleon and find out what the hell's happened here."

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And here are the first moments of the morning:

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ADAM:	(awakens, opens his eyes, peers at me lit by the glow of the laptop) You look like a mermaid.
KAREN:	Do I?
ADAM:	Yes.
KAREN:	What's making me look like a mermaid?
ADAM:	The fact that I'm imagining you with a tail?
KAREN:	So what you mean is, I look like a mermaid in your brain.
ADAM:	Yeah.

Feb 25 2011

"I've written your epitaph. Yup. I did it early. You wanna read it? 'Here you are, lying dead. Ha ha ha ha ha'."

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Later, Adam started making the following noise. I can tell you exactly what this is. When we were at the sanctuary in Ecuador, a 5-week-old baby otter was dropped off, and the sanctuary asked Adam and me to care for him. We bottle fed him every four hours, snuggled him, worked on his walking, got up with him through the night. The sanctuary named him Adam. I found this disconcerting, so to us he is Addy.

Addy had the most incredible range of squeaks, chirps, and sighs. When we was especially contented, cuddled up on Adam's chest, for example, or snuggled under my chin, he would make the noise that Adam is making in this recording:

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And here are some pictures:

      

Feb 24 2011

"Oh, I've got the tears of a hippo ballerina on my arm. Don't touch. Don't touch! Sparkly. Oh so delicate and sparkly! Oh, sparkly."

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"Ugh, I know you. You're always on the corner of Fuck-off and Cunt-bag."

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Karen's notes: The best thing about these polar opposites is that he said them in a single night.

Feb 23 2011

"(in hushed tone of Olympics commentator) A tense moment at the farmyard roller disco competition... Everyone's waiting for chicken to get her skates on... Will she perform, or will she chicken out?"

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Karen's notes: Oh. Oh my. This has got to be my favorite in a looooong time. Forget the fact that STM made a lame pun, I just love that quiet but intense, on-the-edge-of-your-seat tone.

Feb 22 2011

"It'll be less painful to put my tongue through a cheese grater and lap up vinegar with the remnants that's left in my mouth, than to accept a dinner date with you. I think you can take that as a 'no'. Bye bye."

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"(after humming along with the boiler for while) Stupid dull tune. Needs some words. Liven it up a bit."

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Karen's notes: Hey everyone! We're looking for an illustrator! Read about how to submit samples of your work.

Feb 21 2011

"Smell my hands. They smell of bacon. Go on, smell. It's okay, it's kosher. Mmmm, bacon hands."

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"Don't make me drink yogurt. It makes my teeth cough."

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And then, the awakening:

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ADAM:	(In response to me softly stroking his back:) Mmmmm..... (And then... a sudden kung-fu block!...) Sorry!
KAREN:	(moan of terror)
ADAM:	What did you do to me?
KAREN:	I was petting you.
ADAM:	That wasn't petting! You were touching me.
KAREN:	Baby, this is— I'm gonna re-enact.
ADAM:	(whine)
KAREN:	Come— come down here. Here's what I did, ready? (gently petting) And you were liking it. You were liking it. You were going, "mmmmm". And then sudden—
ADAM:	I was growling.
KAREN:	No, you weren't growling.
ADAM:	I was growling.
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Are you sure?
KAREN:	Yes.
ADAM:	I always growl before I attack.
KAREN:	No, you were going, "mmm".
ADAM:	It was a growl.
KAREN:	You liked it. And then suddenly... you POUNCED!
ADAM:	You were just lucky I didn't have a throwing star. 'Cause, I opened you up by pushing your hand away, and with a throwing star, I would have thrown it right down the center of your face.
KAREN:	Note to self: Don't let Adam go to sleep with a throwing star.
ADAM:	You'll never find it anyway. I have it hidden on my body. With my nun-chucks. And you don't want to go looking for them.

Feb 20 2011

"If you make me read Plato, I'm gonna punch you in the penis."

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This one may also have been inspired by our house guest, who happens to be a professor of philosophy at an impressive university in the States. Of course, that would be a loose inspiration, as this person does not have a penis to go along with her notable breasts.

"No one asks to be born. But everyone thanks god I was."

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Good to see that STM's sense of self-worth is still healthy.

Feb 19 2011

"Look at them staring at people like that. Your boobs are so obnoxious. Uch."

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Karen's notes: Okay, after our week of special monkey sanctuary coverage, we're back in near-real time.

Adam said this a couple of nights ago. Now, I can't say for sure that it was inspired by real events, but I can say that we have had a special house guest from the States all week, and that her breasts, while not obnoxious, are certainly notable.

Feb 18 2011

From the holiday:

"Hmm, I like you. But you're french. So don't tell anyone I said it."

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Adam and I shared a house with two french people, with whom we had a lovely time. I do believe that STM was expressing his special affection for Jeremie, who actually heard him say this through the wall.

"Did you close the door? I mean, did you close the door, did you lock it? I swear there's a ginger in the hallway. They wouldn't get in if I close the door. Give me the broom, I'll have to get him out now. Shoo! Nasty ginger."

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Yeah, I can explain what inspired this one. First of all, keep in mind that in the UK, "ginger" = redhead. So, we had to make sure we kept the doors to our house closed and locked at all times, to keep out the monkeys. Lisa, a spider monkey with a shock of orange hair above her forehead, was the most persistent and cunning in her attempts to sneak in. She would actually tuck herself above the front door and wait there quietly. Then, when we opened the door, she'd swing herself in above our heads.

In the first picture, Lisa is enjoying a stolen mango on our porch, having just been chased out by Adam and Jeremie. I wasn't there, but I'm told that when she got in, Adam took a full cup of water and threw it in her face. Apparently she just blinked a few times and looked at him, like, "Um, why did you DO that?"

  

Feb 17 2011

From the holiday:

"It's not woolly. It's NOT woolly! It's doesn't go baahhh. No. It goes wooh wooh wooh wooh! So it's not woolly. Woolly goes bahhhh. Woollyyyyyyyyyy!

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Those brown monkeys in the pictures for the past couple of days, the English name of that species is Woolly Monkeys. They are the most social of the five species at the sanctuary, and often seek affection from humans. It seems STM believes the name was an inappropriate choice. Here are some more pics of woolly monkeys:

  
"This knife is shit. I need a machete. Yeah, big fuck-off machete. Go chopping. Come on, chopping!"

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Adam did indeed take a big fuck-off machete into the jungle to chop down some bamboo for a new enclosure we were building.

Although this one is from last night, I just have to include it today, as it is time-sensitive. You see, Arsenal played— and beat— Barcelona last evening:

"Back of the net! Have some of that, you Spanish fucking cunts."

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Feb 16 2011

WEDNESDAY REWIND: Monkeys Monkeys Monkeys!

Since I'm filling the week with quotes from the monkey sanctuary, it seemed fitting that I stick with the theme for today's rewind. I've only just realized how prevalent monkeys have always been in STM's repertoire. This isn't even all of them!

"Bring it on, King Kong. I'll kick your monkey ass right back to the jungle."

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"Mango-munching monkeys. Crazy swinging creatures."

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"Dohhhhh, bollocks! The graffiti monkey struck again. Damn him."

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"What do you think you're doing? Totally inappropriate behaviour. Now sit down, put the electric sander away and concentrate on your art project, please... Monkeys!"

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Karen's notes: So many people have asked for information about our volunteer experience, I just added a page here.

Feb 15 2011

From the holiday:

"Who put the broccoli with the papaya?! Don't EVER put the broccoli with the papaya. The papaya needs no friends. Leave the broccoli out of it."

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Definitely inspired by real events. We spent our mornings preparing food for the monkeys, chopping up mango, papaya, melon, pineapple, lettuce, broccoli, and corn. Adam's least favorite job was peeling and slicing papaya. I didn't realize he had such respect for the papaya.

"Oh, it's time I got a tail. Yeah, a real strong one. No, not for climbing, so I can wrap it around your neck and squeeze the living shit out of you. Maybe then I'll go climbing."

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This one too. Observe:

  

In case you missed it, that's a monkey tail around Adam's neck.

Feb 14 2011

We're back! Our holiday working at the monkey sanctuary was amazing, and turned out to be a fabulous inspiration for Sleep Talkin' Man. At least half of what Adam said in his sleep was directly related to what he was experiencing during his waking hours. I'll be sharing it with you guys over the next few days.

"That's no special monkey. No, that's Floppy. Floppy monkey. He's a bit crap, but we looooove him. Floppy, stop being crap. Come now."

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STM is clearly talking about my very favorite monkey, Etsa. Poor little Etsa was deprived of sunlight, so his bones never grew. Note his funny little arms. Those, along with his very special waddle-hop method of locomotion, have earned him the nicknames "Pinguino" and "Floppy". Etsa is also a bit, umm, simple, and wants nothing more than to snuggle up and gnaw on your face all day. Here he is:

  

If anyone wants to see more pictures, I've put an album on the Facebook fan page.

"So I can't swim. And I can't climb like you. Okay? But I can make fire, and that's you fucked for a start. Fuck off back to the jungle. Jungle pussy! Wah wah wah."

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This was immediately followed by Adam waking himself up in the usual way. The beauty of this reveal is the giggling you can hear in the background from our fellow volunteer and next-room neighbor, Jeremie, who had heard absolutely every word:

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STM:	wah wah wah... PUSSY!
KAREN:	(choked giggle)
JEREMIE:	(gaffaw)
KAREN:	(burst of laughter)
JEREMIE:	(prolonged cackle)
ADAM:	Oh fuck.
EVERYONE:	(general hysteria)
ADAM:	Welcome to Karen's world.
JEREMIE:	That was so cool.
KAREN:	You were saying— You said— You said—
ADAM:	I know I said it.
KAREN:	Really loud, you yelled it.
ADAM:	Oh, I didn't, did I? Oh, whenever we go away now, we should rent a sound-proof box. Because this is just too much. I can handle you giggling next to me, but to have someone giggling in the next room... It makes me a little bit self-conscious. Note to STM: Be a little bit more quiet, please, and considerate of others. Plus the fact that, you're making me embarrassed.
KAREN:	You're thinking that STM's at all concerned with being considerate of others?
ADAM:	If he doesn't want me to have some kind of nervous or social breakdown, he'd better be.

Feb 13 2011

"Pretty people get the blame for all the bad things ugly people do. It's true!"

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I think STM actually got it backwards. But there's no arguing with the man.

* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday. See you tomorrow!

Feb 12 2011

"Ok: Jump position! Goddamn it, why do the jellyfish always get it wrong? 'Oh I've got my own in-built parachute.' So fucking what, get the basics right, dickhead. Otherwise, you're out of the free-form team. Bastards."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 11 2011

"Most of the time I'm happy. Most of the time I don't realize how happy I am. Happy happy happy. I'm happy. YOU'RE A CUNT! That makes me happy."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 10 2011

"Goddammit! Where's my bazooka? I put it on the ground, expecting it to be there when I come back. Have you been tidying up again, 'cause, I really would like my bazooka back. I don't know where you put things. Jesus! Cannot just leave anything alone, can you?"

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 9 2011

WEDNESDAY REWIND: How to Win Your Valentine's Heart

"I love you. No, sorry, I missed some words out. I love it when the world shits on you. Yeah. That's the full sentence."

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"All things considered, you are more attractive than a monkey's vagina... on heat."

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"Imagine waking up next to you every day... One chunder-bucket moment after another."

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"I love you! No I didn't say it I didn't say it I didn't say it. I coughed.... MMM-hmmm, coughed."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 8 2011

"Okay, enough already. I'll poke you in the eye. Don't go crying and being a pussy about it afterwards."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 7 2011

"When you're in the middle of nowhere, you're also in the middle of somewhere. Well, if you don't like that, fuck off, you shit-filled fuck sack."

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Karen's notes: Wow, that's deep. Ummm, I think.

* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 6 2011

"Yeah, keep laughing. Laugh your fucking face off, you giggling little freak."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 5 2011

"I just met you. I have a right to call you an arsehole."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 4 2011

"Right. I've had enough. I'm splitting you two up. You over there and you are going all the way over there. I tell you, you've got to be really fucking quick and hard on these chinchillas. Take no prisoners."

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Karen's notes: These are two chinchillas, obviously enjoying the party:



I think we can all agree that they are not causing any trouble at all.

Merch reminder: Today's the last day for free shipping in the shirt shops. Get those Valentines order in!

* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 3 2011

"Yeah, ego wanking. It's just a little bit of light relief for me."

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Karen's notes: Well, that certainly explain a lot, doesn't it.

* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 2 2011

WEDNESDAY REWIND: The Fantastic Creatures of STMland

"Deedoo. It's a deedoo. A deedoo...Oh, it's not a deedoo. I have no idea what it is."

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"Oh, the jigabee's here. Budge up, give us some duvet. I've been looking forward to this. Nice jigabee."

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"No, I want to swim with the giant gajumba. Hold on to their shell... The ones with the spiky faces, you idiot! They’re fun."

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"Doozers. You know the doozers. They're geezers, the doozers... Tossbag!"

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Feb 1 2011

"I'm the love genie. I make the magic happen."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!