Apr 30 2011

"Fuck it. I'm gonna build a fetish costume for my chicken."

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"If you knew what was on my mind, you'd run home, hide under the bed, and never fucking come out ever again. Just a hint. Just a hint."

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're in Bruges!

Apr 29 2011

"If you look at me again, I'm gonna bugger your fucking eyeballs and eat them, so you stare at my shit."

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"From now on, papaya shall be known as cunt-fruit. Yes. Nasty cunt-fruit. Mushy and smelly cunt-fruit. You don't like the word, don't make me say it again."

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And a typically peaceful awakening:

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STM:	POOPS!
ADAM:	(wrenching his back) Ow!
KAREN:	What did you say?
ADAM:	Ow!
KAREN:	I heard the "ow" part.
ADAM:	Ow, hurt my back.
KAREN:	Oh, Baby. Oh, no.
ADAM:	Get me a replacement back— WHAT WAS THAT!
KAREN:	That was me, Baby.
ADAM:	OW-how!
KAREN:	I was trying to touch your head like this—
ADAM:	You just put your finger in my eye!
KAREN:	I can't see anything, and, let me show you, I was just trying to just pet your forehead, and I—
ADAM:	You did— You did— You did that and— Oh, my eye!
KAREN:	What did you think it was going to be?
ADAM:	Well, it's dark, I was not expecting anything, let alone a finger in the eye as a way of being nice to me.
KAREN:	It was not in your eye!
ADAM:	Baby, where's your finger? (taking it on a tour) Okay: head, ear, nose, eye.
KAREN:	No, it's not in your eye.
ADAM:	It is!
KAREN:	It was on the top of your eye. Not in your eye.
ADAM:	Baby, are we going to argue about the position?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Because eye is eye: top, middle, bottom, left, or right. Okay?
KAREN:	Oh, I'm sorry, I love you.
ADAM:	Why do you always say "I love you" after you say you're sorry for hurting me? It's husband battery.
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Mmm. Second degree.

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're in Bruges!

Apr 28 2011

"Hey! Hey. You killed my velociraptor, dickhead. That's so unfair. You do realize how hard it is to find one of those round here, don't you?"

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"You never take my balloons out for a walk. They need some fresh fucking air, take 'em outside this time. And on a long walk. They like the sun. Don't take them to the park. I don't want them on the swings, they're too little for swings. And the round-a-bout will make them sick, just take them on a nice walk. See the duckies. Bye balloons!"

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I don't know about the velociraptor, but I can definitely explain this one. We've had this balloon sitting around the house from Adam's birthday celebration. It's mortifyingly ugly, but I've kept it simply because I'm astounded by how long it has managed to stay afloat. It's been six weeks, people! It's like the balloon and I are in a competition to see who can last longer.

Before it dies of knife wounds tonight, I'm going to give it a moment of fame. So here it is:

And here's the close-up. See if you can spot my attempt at personalization:

Apr 27 2011

"Give me a C! Give me a U! Give me an N! Give me a T! What'dya get? You. Pathetic wank stain."

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All he needs are some pom-poms and a short skirt! You guys should be really relieved I didn't photoshop that one.

__________

Merch update: There were some problems with the artwork last night, but I really will get "I bet you wish you could wear a onesie" onesies into the shops today.

Apr 26 2011

"I'm a fucking goose, dickhead! Duck, indeed."

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"I bet you wish you could wear a onesie and look this good."

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When I played this one for Adam, he said, "Oh no, people are going to think I'm just trying to plug merchandise." To which I responded, "Hey, what a great idea!" So, here you go, people. Don't you want your baby to look as good as STM? Get your onesies here!

Actually, that quote's not in the shop yet, I'll have it in by tonight.

Apr 25 2011

"I could go find somebody who could surgically remove that stick from up your arse. Or, you could just chill the fuck out, Batman. Choose."

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It's true, Batman's wound pretty tight.

"I'm gonna kick you so hard, your nuts are gonna look like Christmas balls. Now give me back my wings! And the tiara."

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Sounds like STM is playing the angel in a nativity play.

Apr 24 2011

"I'm no doctor, but I swear it's bacterial vaginosis. Your crotch smells like onion soup. Next, please!"

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Anyone notice a theme the past couple of weeks?

Apr 23 2011

"You're undiluted brilliance, awesome to a point of purity. You're— oh, sorry, I was projecting. You're an arse."

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"I'm gonna make you laugh until you get explosive diarrhea. And then I'm gonna laugh. Heartily."

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Apr 22 2011

"Go on, cry mother-fucker. I'm gonna dip my dim sum in your tears."

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We did, in fact, have dim sum for dinner last night.

"I think you're gonna work much faster with a gun against your head. Here: Pythagoras' theorem. Quick, quick! Lock and load."

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Well, STM may not be a very sensitive teacher, but he certainly gets results. I'm sure that you all remember the Pythagorean Theorem. How to calculate the sides of a right triangle? a² + b² = c²? Come on, this is geometry 101, people!

And finally, Adam's delightful awakening:

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STM:	No. No, monkey. No! No. Don't you fucking dare, monkey. Bastard, no. MONKEY SNOT!
KAREN:	(breaks out laughing, then) Baby, do you know what you just yelled?
ADAM:	Yes. He was wiping it on me! I remember.
KAREN:	Awww. That's terrible.
ADAM:	He was so big, and it was coming out in these huge globs.
KAREN:	Aww.
ADAM:	And he was just pinning me down, and it was dripping onto my face.
KAREN:	That's horrible!
ADAM:	He's a bully! And he was laughing.
KAREN:	Oh, Baby.
ADAM:	He was going ah ah ah ah as it was dripping out of his really horribly filled up nose.
KAREN:	Aww. Are you alright?
ADAM:	It's okay. I'll go back to sleep and I'll kick his fucking arse.

Apr 21 2011

"Why don't you call back later, and we'll see whether we can get the world to revolve around you."

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"Pass me that brick. And you'd better start praying. 'Cause I'm gonna teach you that prayer don't heal shit, dickhead."

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Perhaps that one was in honor of Good Friday?

And here's a conversation from the early morning. Note that a "lie in" is a day that you don't have to get up and out of bed early, and, yes, that's how "zebra" is pronounced here (I'm rather mortified that this sort of thing is happening. But at least I'm not developing the Madonna accent).

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KAREN:	We get to have a lie in tomorrow.
ADAM:	I want a giraffe.
KAREN:	(snorts at Adam's terrible joke. Then,) What are the big five? Is it elephant, lion—
ADAM:	The big five what?
KAREN:	When they talk about safari...
ADAM:	Elephant, lion—
KAREN:	Zebra, giraffe...
ADAM:	Dung beetle. That's a safari for really small people
KAREN:	REALLY small people.
ADAM:	Yeah.
KAREN:	We're not talking little people.
ADAM:	No, no, no. We're talking—
KAREN:	Gnomes.
ADAM:	Yeah.
KAREN:	Probably even smaller!
ADAM:	I was thinking more secret government experiment small people.
KAREN:	Mmmmmm.

Apr 20 2011

"It'll suck to be a moose. You just can't play Pong."

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And the reveal!

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For those who spent the late 70's - early 80's in a cave (or as a mere twinkle in their parents' eyes), Pong was, like, the first video game most of us ever saw! Ah, the memories....

KAREN:	You said something like, "I don't wanna be a moose. You can't play pong."
ADAM:	Maybe with their antlers they could.
KAREN:	Yeah. They could even play pong against themselves, between their two antlers.
ADAM:	Oh!
KAREN:	Solitaire pong.
ADAM:	No, it's a bit boring, 'cause they can't watch it, though.
KAREN:	(getting sleepy) Mmm.
ADAM:	It'd make them go dizzy, and give them eye strain.
KAREN:	Mmmm.
ADAM:	It could be like a mating ritual between two moose. I take it it is "moose" not "mice".
KAREN:	(more sleepy) Mm-hmm
ADAM:	Or meese.
KAREN:	Mm.
ADAM:	Like geese and goose.
KAREN:	(totally sleepy) Mmmm.
ADAM:	Moose and meese.
KAREN:	Mmmmm.
ADAM:	I wonder why. Why does that one break the rules?
KAREN:	Mmm-hmmm.
ADAM:	You're not even listening.
KAREN:	Mmmmmm.
ADAM:	It's ok, I'm used to it. Sleep Talkin' Man is used to it, as well.
KAREN:	Mmm. Mmm.
ADAM:	The world listens. My wife doesn't.
KAREN:	Mmmm.

Apr 19 2011

"Listen to me: What's the point in you dieting? You're gonna lose all that weight and realize you're still fuckin' ugly."

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"No. I don't talk about the jellybean incident. That's one wound that'll take too long to heal."

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Apr 18 2011

"The shit that comes out of your mouth is like vaginal discharge. Embarrassing and unpleasant, and also a sign of something possibly seriously wrong."

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And now something light to help you recover from that:

"Spring is in the air: rabbit rabbit, tweety bird, frog spawn."

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Apr 17 2011

"Guinea pigs make terrific drinking buddies. Just don't eat them!"

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"Don't! Oh. Don't EVER try to lick your tongue."

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Apr 16 2011

"What a great way to start the day, talking about dog farts and placenta."

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That fascinating declaration was from the nest-egg, as there was no sleep talking per se last night. I did, however, find the following bizarre conversation, of which neither Adam nor I have any recollection.

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I especially like Adam's utterly disdainful "What?!"

ADAM:	Now listen—
KAREN:	(something something???) definitely gay. All that... pink... um... um... robes. And you all want them.
ADAM:	What?!
KAREN:	Umm... I know what I mean. I know. I know.
BOTH:	(Kiss)

Apr 15 2011

"If you really keep trying to argue your case, I'm gonna be forced to shove my arm down your throat, and rip out your fucking voicebox. Ok? Good. No more questions, m'lord."

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Apparently, STM is a barrister (lawyer), trying a case in court. The "m'lord" gives it away. I'm pretty sure this is what would be called badgering the witness.

"Working nine to five, it's all gone to shit. Whatever happened to my wrestling desire?"

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"I don't know what it is that makes you so stupid, but it works."

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Karen's notes: The justice system is a bit weird in the UK. Barristers are lawyers who try cases in court, and solicitors are lawyers who, uh, do all the other stuff. Barristers still wear frilly grey wigs and long black robes in court. Strangely, the wigs are made to look extremely fake on purpose, I have never been able to make sense of why. And Adam's cousin, who is a barrister, tells us that the more tired and tattered your wig, the more respect it garners.

Apr 14 2011

"Tell me, what are vampires wearing this season? Anyone? Anyone?!"

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"(whispering) The secret's out. (full voice) I'm fucking awesooooooome!"

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Apr 13 2011

"If she sends me one more fucking smiley face emoticon, I'm gonna shove that keyboard so far up her arse, she's gonna have to tweak her nipples to force quit."

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For those of you poor folk still trapped in the world of PCs, force quit is the mac equivalent of ctrl+alt+delete.

Here's how Adam responded as I got back into bed from going to pee:

"Every time, you always come back. Can't help yourself."

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And his response to the boiler switching off:

"Oh, yeah, you shut the fuck up."

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Going backwards, here's a little something from the beginning of the night, about 10 minutes after we'd gotten into bed. I love how he fights his way through his skepticism that this could be happening, and finally manages to recover:

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KAREN:	Hey.
ADAM:	Wha— wha— wha—
KAREN:	You didn't kiss me goodnight.
ADAM:	Wha— wha— What's going on?
KAREN:	You didn't kiss me goodnight.
ADAM:	Where are you?
KAREN:	Here.
ADAM:	You woke me up for a kiss?
KAREN:	I think I didn't know you were sleeping.
ADAM:	That's— That's not— that's— that's—... it's okay. (kiss) Don't do it again.
KAREN:	Okay.

Apr 12 2011

"Of course I'm fucking civilized, you septic gash. I use mayonnaise on my chips!"

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Don't forget, yanks, chips = fries. In some European countries, it is customary to dip fries/chips in mayo rather than ketchup. Speaking for myself, I dip mine in a mixture of the two.

"I've got so much love, and so little time to share it. So hard."

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Wow, how very sensitive of STM. And what a pathetic tone. Almost makes you sad for him, to think that any of his love might be wasted.

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Merch update: After loads of requests, I have added "You're like a slinky" to the shops. I struggled with whether to do so, because it turns out that STM was plagiarizing. But, I figured, I'd put it in there, and let you guys make your own choice.

By the way, this is not the first time that Adam has said something in his sleep that he heard somewhere. The bizarre part is that Adam has no recollection of having heard it. He was as surprised as I was to learn that it wasn't original!

Apr 11 2011

"You're very much like a slinky. You're pointless and useless, but you bring a smile to my face when I push you down the stairs."

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Oh. My. God. Does it get any better than this?!

Apr 10 2011

"That's when the transvestite beauty thing happened. So many colours... So much shaving cream."

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"Cock in my ear. Oh! Never happened before. I'll remember that."

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Apr 9 2011

"Watching you think is like watching a cat shovel shit with two broken paws. Painful, but I just can't stop watching."

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Karen's notes: Nice image, STM. Thanks.

Apr 8 2011

"Of course I'll buy you flowers... when you're dead. Simply out of celebration, mind."

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Speaking of buying flowers: A few weeks ago, Adam met me at the tube after work with a bunch of tulips. He said, "Someone on the train was humming 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore' and I thought, 'Hey, I DON'T bring flowers anymore!' So I got you these."

"Even the accounting chicken needs love. Poor thing. Peck peck, plus one… peck peck peck, divide… budget budget…"

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And the reveal!

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KAREN:	Something like, "Poor accounting chicken... peck peck peck, plus one... peck peck peck, divide..."
ADAM:	Accounting chicken?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	He sits in a room with a little calculator, all by himself... baaaaawk, tak tak tak tak tak, ba-gaaaawk... BAGAWK? tak tak tak tak tak. End of the day, lays an egg, goes home happy.
KAREN:	Laser leg?!
ADAM:	Lays an egg!  Or is it only hens that lay eggs? What's the difference between a hen and a chicken?
KAREN:	Baby, all chickens are hens, and they're all female.
ADAM:	Well why do they call them chickens, though, why don't they call them hens?  Hmmm?
KAREN:	Hmm. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the term "chicken" actually includes rooster in it, even though we don't think of it that way.
ADAM:	I'm thinking that chicken is a female, but the difference between a hen and a chicken is a hen lays eggs, chickens you eat.
KAREN:	Baby, I'm not sure what you said makes sense. So here's what-- I'm going to repeat it back to you--
ADAM:	Because it lays eggs, you don't eat the hens. But chickens you eat. Nope, I'm gonna have to find out, this is bugging me now.
KAREN:	Okay, google "chicken".
ADAM:	Don't crowd me when I work... People have asked this before I'm sure... (types "what's the difference between a chicken and a hen").
KAREN:	Oh, I was right in the thing I postulated.
ADAM:	Oh, so they're both chickens. Chicken is the bird, a female chicken is a hen, a male chicken is a rooster. Right! Okay.
KAREN:	I love being right.
ADAM:	You love yourself a lot, don't you?
KAREN:	Is that your way of saying I'm right a lot? That's what it sounds like.
ADAM:	Damn it!
KAREN:	Thank you, Baby.
ADAM:	(grumbling) All right.
KAREN:	I love you.
ADAM:	(resignedly) I love you too.

Apr 7 2011

"I got my big meeting today. The one where I stand up and say, 'fuck this shit, I quit!'"

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This is a baffling follow-up to Adam's annual review yesterday, which in fact went really wonderfully. This is not how Adam feels, Tony!

"Oh, put your nipples away. That's why you've got fucking pockets, arsehole."

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Apr 6 2011

"I think it's time you stepped into my office. The office of my fist."

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Today is Adam's annual review at work. Sounds like STM has something to say about it.

"You! You're the idiot in a monkey sandwich. Oh yeah. Oh yeah."

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I have no idea what to make of this one. Except, I suppose, that Adam and I were often in monkey sandwiches when we were volunteering at the sanctuary. Does STM think we're idiots?!

And here are a series of bizarre noises. It sounds something like "(grumble grumble grumble) Grrrrrrrrr bingo. Sweet!"

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Apr 5 2011

"I can juggle babies. It's the baby juggle! It's just so tricky when they're on fire. One up, two... oops! I need another baby. Another baby!"

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"Who the fuck made you the butter police, anyway."

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This is presumably STM's reaction to me having striken pasta and cream from our dinners.

"You're Jesus in a dog's arsehole."

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Obviously, STM was referencing this photo that went around a couple of years ago:

Apr 4 2011

"Three jellybeans for me-- I'll take more, yeah. Four, five... I've got jellybeans in all different colours. Jellybean jamboree for me. Jiggle my jellybeans! Jiggle my jellybeans! Mmmm, I love you jellybean. Yeah, watermelon. Yuch, red one's horrible though."

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"I'm talkin' about mother-fucking cookies and apple juice."

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__________

Merch reminder: Last day for the shirt promos!

Apr 3 2011

"Okay, okay, you've got to meet me halfway here, alright? I'm sorry for smacking you in the face, but, you've got to apologize for existing."

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That was from yesterday, early morning. And here is how Adam woke up:

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Adam's referring to a program that I came across while perusing the TV guide Friday night. It was such a brilliant example of the state of television programming today, I just had to read to him:

Please note, we did NOT watch this program.

STM:	DISCHARGE!
KAREN:	Uh... okay...
ADAM:	I didn't say anything, I didn't.
KAREN:	Okay, you didn't.
ADAM:	That was horrible.
KAREN:	Do you know—
ADAM:	That was visual!
KAREN:	What did—
ADAM:	Oh, oh, I pictured it in my head. And I know I said it, because I screamed it in my head.
KAREN:	What exactly were you seeing in your head?
ADAM:	Do you remember the program, last night?
KAREN:	Yes.
ADAM:	That's what I had in my head. A giant one.
KAREN:	So in your head, you were seeing a giant vagina... leaking?
ADAM:	I was seeing enormous vaginal discharge. It was like a tsunami flowing towards me. I think I was shouting to warn the neighbors.

Apr 2 2011

"Breathe in, breathe out...... I didn't fucking say breathe in again!"

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"Oh, underpants. The scourge of the free and liberated!"

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Apr 1 2011

"The time is a quarter to I-make-sweet-love-to-you. Doooooong."

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"It's not sweat. It's my aura glistening."

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"Any attempt at being intelligent is fucking futile. Now go take your banana and play on a friggin' rope… Hello, and what would you like for Christmas?"

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Karen's notes: Concerning that first one, this is STM's imitation of the Talking Clock, a phone number you can call to listen to the time. Adam's mother tells us that when she was younger and working at a lame job, she used to regularly call the Talking Clock out of sheer boredom.

And that last one, well, now we know what we'd get if STM were Santa.