Jan 31 2012

"Sex with you is like an autopsy, and you're the cadaver."

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This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary!

Your daily dose of sloth:

Jan 30 2012

"Oh, humanity. You can go suck my fat hairy balls. I made you and I can break you whenever I want. See that? That's free will too, you know. I created that too."

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Well, we've gone off to Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary. But do not despair, for I have pre-scheduled posts!

And, as a special bonus, you'll get a daily dose of sloth. Like this:

Jan 27 2012

"You're just like an itch that I'd love to scratch… with a fucking chainsaw."

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This pleasant little number will be my last real-time post for a couple of weeks. We're leaving tomorrow for Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary for two weeks! But do not despair, for I've pre-scheduled posts from my nest-egg of STM gems. I'll miss you guys!

Jan 26 2012

"It's not bullshit. It's mancrap. It means whenever I use it, I'm right."

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Adam so wishes this were true...

Jan 25 2012

"Ice cream cake. Mmm. Love to the power of— I've just come in my pants. New pants, please!"

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What I find most amusing about this is that Adam has never had ice cream cake in his life. It's not such a thing here in the UK. But he is anticipating his first taste of what can only be a perfect combination with great excitement.

"Stop throwing dinosaurs everywhere! It's gonna take me forever to get the pterodactyls down from the wardrobe. Oh, you messy little velociraptors."

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Jan 24 2012

"Well, thank you very much for taking me out of my happy place, you pus-gargling cock-turd."

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Jan 23 2012

"Everybody kneel on your swimming towel. It is time to pray to the omnipotent baby squid. (chanting) Squidyyyyyy. Squidyyyyyy."

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And we had this in the middle night, as I sat up to get our restless little beagle settled:

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ADAM:	Where are you going?
KAREN:	I'm putting Molly under the covers.
ADAM:	Okay, put Molly under the covers. Then I get ten more points worth of your attention.
KAREN:	(pets his head)
ADAM:	That's not ten more points.
KAREN:	I don't know what we're talking about.
ADAM:	Neither do I. I think I'm involved in a dream.
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Damn it. Go back to sleep quick, that was a good dream!
KAREN:	Go, go!

Jan 20 2012

(singing) "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. I'm going to smash all of those, all of those. I'm going to smash all of those. Yaaaaaaaaay!"

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Oh, we all remember that delightful childhood game! Smashing good fun!

Jan 19 2012

"If sense of humor is a gift, yours is one of those unwanted gifts that gets passed on from person to person, never opened or appreciated. Best you keep that gift to yourself."

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"I'm living my life, my way. And loving it."

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Oh. Well that's an unusually healthy sentiment from STM.

Jan 18 2012

"mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER!"

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And here's the rest transcribed:

STM:	mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER!
KAREN:	(snorts and giggles)
ADAM:	Hm. What a perfectly charming way to wake up. And a good morning to you, STM.... you bastard.
KAREN:	Do you think you said "cock wobbler" or "cock warbler"?
ADAM:	How did I say it? Did I say it like "wobbler" or "waaaaaarbler"?
KAREN:	I dunno. Wait a minute.
ADAM:	What?
KAREN:	A cock wobbler—
ADAM:	is someone who goes up to you and go— Well, goes up to male genitalia and—
KAREN:	wobble wobble wobble!
ADAM:	—wobbles it.
KAREN:	And then, a cock warbler—
ADAM:	—warbler, let's not go there. (leans across to look at clock) Is that all it is?
KAREN:	What is it?
ADAM:	It's only 1:30.
KAREN:	It is not!
ADAM:	It is too!
KAREN:	Are you serious? I thought it was already morning. It's like Christmas! Sleepiiiiiiiiiiing! I'm so excited!
ADAM:	Unfortunately, being excited generally means you don't sleep.
KAREN:	Okay, sleeping.
ADAM:	See, I'm the opposite.
KAREN:	(drifting off) Wowwwwwww.
ADAM:	I'm not excited. (long pause, then voluble yawn) Jeez.
KAREN:	Hmm?
ADAM:	What?
KAREN:	Now I'm confused about what I was dreaming and what was real. Umm, I don't know anything.
ADAM:	Well, nothing's happening. So anything that is in your head is probably a dream. So, work it out from there.
KAREN:	Hmm.
ADAM:	I just dribbled.
KAREN:	(slurring) I love you enough that I love your dribble.
ADAM:	Shh. You talk too much.

Jan 17 2012

"Mirror mirror on the wall... jealous?"

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"You're the kind of thing that's standing in the middle of a room, all alone, holding a warm codpiece in your hand."

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Jan 16 2012

"What the fuck are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination. Reality shouldn't have to put up with your pathetic shit."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "What are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination." It's like—
ADAM:	Hang on, wait a second, is STM talking to me?
KAREN:	Well, maybe STM thinks that—
ADAM:	he's real and I'm not.
KAREN:	Yeah. Wait, wait. Maybe it's like the movie Igor, where everything is backwards from the world as we know it. So, what we consider good is bad, and vice versa. So, the fact that you're this nice, generous, kind person is considered sick in his world, just as we think of him as sick in our world.
ADAM:	Hm.
KAREN:	Now we sleep.
ADAM:	Oh, right, okay. Thanks.
KAREN:	Ready?
ADAM:	I've been ready from the minute I woke up and you started talking.
KAREN:	(giggles)
ADAM:	Love you!

Jan 13 2012

"Are you listening to me? Are you? 'Cause the last person who didn't listen to me had their throat ripped out. So tell me: what would you like on your toast?"

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I trawled my nest-egg of quotes for the most Friday the 13th-appropriate. This was the closest I could get.

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IMPORTANT NOTE: In response to a wonderful suggestion on Facebook, throughout the month of January we are offering special "Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?" t-shirts (men's and women's). Profits will go to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Jan 12 2012

"Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?"

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Well, this one is OBVIOUSLY about me. Right, Adam?... Adam?!

Jan 11 2012

"Hey, look at me! I just made bumble bee pajamas. They're so cuuuute, with their little leg holes. This one's bright fuchsia with some black spots. I think that's my favorite. And this one's got a night cap that fits right over the antennae... (gasp!) TOSS! Wing holes! I forgot to put wing holes! Oh, well. '...and all the honey was oozy woozy, sticky and gooey, but it tasted good.' Awww. Bed time story for tired little bumble bee. (whispering) Go to sleep, bee."

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Karen's irrelevant notes: As our long-time readers know, Adam and I spend two weeks every year volunteering at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. This year, it's sloths in Costa Rica! Here are some of the amazing sloths we'll be snuggling in February:


Let's cross our fingers that it proves inspirational to STM, just as the monkeys did last year, and the elephants in 2010.

Jan 10 2012

"Ugh. What a mess! Everywhere, UGHHH! And up there, EWW! When are you gonna learn: when transporting giraffes, shouting "duck" every time you hit a bridge doesn't work!"

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"Be happy happy happy. Smile more. I said smile more, jerk."

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MERCH NEWS: As requested, later today I'll be putting "If beauty is in the eye of the beholder...." onto t-shirts. Go on, buy one! I DARE YOU!

Jan 9 2011

"If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then BEHOLD BITCHES!"

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"Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning— Get out of my fucking way and stop looking at the sky you idiot! Dickheaaaaaaaaaaad!"

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That's right, Americans! Here in the UK, they use "shepherd" in that idiom! I like ours better.

Jan 6 2012

"I'll have a baby on the rocks. Yeah… What the fuck is this? Seriously?! A baby smoothie?! What the fuck, barkeeper, I asked for a baby on the rocks. Baby, rocks. Simple. Goddamnit, people. A baby on the rocks."

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Personally, I could really go for a baby smoothie right now.

Jan 5 2012

"Now I'm going to batter you to death with chicken drumsticks! It'll be really messy, but I'm going to enjoy every hour of it."

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"Hey! That's MY bag of hair. Get your own! And stay away from the zoo, I'm going there next."

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And the ensuing discussion:

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KAREN:	It's very strange that you said that, because I had a conversation—
ADAM:	A REAL conversation about bags of hair?
KAREN:	Yes!
ADAM:	Get away!
KAREN:	Yesterday afternoon, with Mark at work, we had a conversation about how much Molly sheds, and he was telling me how you can collect your pet's hair for a really long time, and then bring it to someone and they will knit it into a sweater.
ADAM:	You will have a Molly sweater?
KAREN:	Yes. BUT, the most amazing thing is that you said that—
ADAM:	You never told me that discussion.
KAREN:	No! Isn't that crazy?!
ADAM:	STM can read your mind!

Jan 4 2012

"Yup, it's time for anal flossing for you, my friend. Assume the position! Good lad."

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"You're such a fuck-up, your DNA is made up of X's and 'why me's."

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Yes, yes, STM meant "chromosomes", we know.

Jan 3 2012

"Well, fuck you! Fuck you, Amazon. You don't KNOW me. I kill puppies. Suggest something for me NOW then, you shit spreading bastard— Ooh! Bathtub fairy lights! Mmm, pretty."

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"Nee nee nee nee nee nee nee OHHH! Pooooooooooo nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee... BOLLOCKS!"

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Jan 2 2012

Happy New Year, fair readers!

Here's to another year of delightful irreverence from our friendly neighborhood Sleep Talkin' Man!

"I don't care if people think you're weird and you meow like a cat. Just don't go and lick your— Oh!... I now care."

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I have to be honest, people tend to think I'm a little weird (in a good way, right? RIGHT?!), and I do regularly "meow" my way through songs. But don't worry, STM, I'll try to limit my cat impersonation to that.

"Fanny batter-go-lightly. I don't want the fatty stuff. No no no."

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This one hearkens back to about three weeks ago, when STM first coined the phrase "fanny batter". As a reminder, "fanny" here in the UK is mild slang for vagina. So "fanny batter" is... you figure it out.