Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100212

Feb 12 2010

"She's knitting me a jumper. Fuck! I don't want to be a social outcast. Oh, not good."

"It's a good thing your breath smells of shit. It colors your words beautifully. Gives it an edge."

"I can't get it to work. Nope, it must be broken. There's no point you trying. Don't try. Stop trying… How did you get it to work? Bollocks!"

 or click here
__________

Karen's note: As cute as it is to imagine Adam in what Americans call a jumper, I feel is it my duty to mention that in the UK "jumper" just means "sweater". Actually, it refers to a variety of different kinds of tops.

88 comments:

  1. I'll have the jumper!

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  2. That second one is so sharp - I can't even come up with such eloquent put downs while I'm awake!

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  3. I have to say Adam's picture in the top left hand corner has a striking resemblance to SYLAR from Heroes?!?!

    Maybe this is who is actually talking; Sylar possesses Adam through the night?!?!

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  4. Great one liners, you couldnt make these up if you tried! Love the randomness

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  5. The first one is my favorite rofl that one I would want to hear the audio for!

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  6. fantastic...:D love it... laughing so hard:D

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  7. I absolutely LOVE this site!!! It brightens up my day, I get to have a really good laugh every single day no matter what else is going on! Thanks so much! As for anonymus above. I believe it's all true and even if it's not I couldn't care less, keep pretending. Why do people feel the need to post negative comments? That's a real shame. I am just waiting for the opportunity to use these insults!! Brilliant!

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  8. His comedic timing is perfect! :-)

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  9. "It's a good thing your breath smells of shit. It colors your words beautifully. Gives it an edge."

    this is the sentence I've been looking for for ages.
    Thanks Adam, you're not only cute but wise also.
    Your name comes with your wisdom
    Love
    other side of the world (Iran)
    Farshad

    PS. either is the low speed internet here or your page is getting too heavy.
    By the way: I put some of your quotes in my blog, those translation allows to persian, under your name. god bless you

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  10. LOL!! The first and third... The insults are smashingly insulting especially given Adam's waking personality, but it's the other ones that give me giggles through the day. A jumper! Oh I'd love to see him in that. Is a British jumper the same as American? A sleevelss dress that one wears over a shirt/top? And that looooong pause before "Bollocks!" LOL!

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  11. Oh, sorry, jumper here just means a top, like a sweater. Not as cute. I added a note to the blog post.

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  12. I love the third one! Haha!

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  13. I wonder what was broken...

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  14. "That second one is so sharp - I can't even come up with such eloquent put downs while I'm awake!"

    My sentiments exactly. He is amazing!!! A poet.

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  15. Whenever I feel shitty I just check this out and I always end up smiling. So I suppose yes - everything is better now that you're here. ;-)

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  16. This is phenomenal! I wish I had this by our bedside for when my vegetarian wife screams about her desire for hamburger sandwiches and pork pops. Thank you for bringing us this :)

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  17. To the anonymous poster whose comments we keep deleting: we are not worried about "hurting our profits." But we are bothered by having a negative environment created by calling anyone who likes the blog "gulliable," "naive," "moronic," or a host of other insulting adjectives. The replies from other commentors suggests that the majority of people appreciate our perspective. And we will continue to take down such comments.

    We invite you to create your own blog where you can comments negatively as much as you'd like.

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  18. A friend of mine directed me to your site and I have to say I have been crying with laughter reading this - thanks for sharing :o)

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  19. Shabby, comments like yours (and so many others) make our day!

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  20. and are you knitting him a jumper?? I'm knitting socks right now ;)

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  21. We start every morning tuning in to hear what Adam said last night.

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  22. I feel so bad laughing at what your husband says, but I just can't help it! Go STM!!!

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  23. Don't feel bad! I laugh right in his face when he wakes up!

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  24. hello Karen&Adam
    sending lots of love from oz

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  25. That last one made my week! Thanks so much!

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  26. My morning ritual now includes having coffee while looking up what Adam had to say overnight. Can't start the day without it.

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  27. All three of the comments are great in their own way! Love it! Here's to more gabbin' in your dreams and laughter for Karen et al.!!!!
    KimmieB/Snugs72

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  28. Just a niggly little point - but if Adam's a British chap perhaps you need to use English-English spellings?

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  29. Karen/Adam - thank you for keeping some of the unpleasant folks at bay!!!!!! It IS your blog, and you have the right to do that. This is such a fun place to come, and I can't thank you enough for being out there.

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  30. Anonymous above, about spellings:

    That's quite a fair point. I'll try to do that.

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  31. But do you actually knit? If not, who's he afraid of that would knit him a pullover that would make him a social outcast?

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  32. What makes me laugh is the people posting the negative comments actually waste their own time doing it. What has it achieved?? I <3 this blog, it has become part of my morning ritual when on the way to work and always raises a smile or a giggle :D

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  33. I generally don't knit, except that I did make Adam a beautiful scarf a year ago.

    His mom doesn't knit either, by the way.

    But remember, the stuff he says when he's asleep rarely refelcts our reality.

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  34. Karen,

    So very well said. I suggest strongly, that since 'deletion' will be seen as 'hiding' that from time to time, when you delete such comments, that you DO include your commentary.

    I love it, polite, and yet so truly pointing out their own idiocy.

    "...But we are bothered by having a negative environment created by calling anyone who likes the blog...a host of other insulting adjectives. The replies from other commentors suggests that the majority of people appreciate our perspective...We invite you to create your own blog where you can comments negatively as much as you'd like".

    Truly, you have again, listened to the readers of your blog. We so enjoy this spot, and it is true, it creates a negative atmosphere when the trolls keep posting, regardless of their every point being soundly refuted, repeatedly, by the READERS of the blog.

    Although at first, I was in agreement with your plan to leave all comments up, I equally am in agreement with 'enough is enough'. It really does feel like the equivalent of a group of friends having a great time out at a restaurant, with a group of people hovering over them saying 'your conversation is juvenile', 'you might think this steak is good, but really, it isn't a very good one', 'your outfit is ugly and doesn't suit the occassion' etc etc ad nauseum.

    Unfortunately, the only 'bouncers' on blogs are owners/moderators, and I agree it is time to soundly show the trolls the door. Time for them to find their own table/restaurant/friends.

    Cheers again from a very sunny Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.

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  35. This is just sooo funny. Brightens up my morning. I've been quoting Adam to my boyfriend... he doesn't quite get it (BOLLOCKS!) but when we have time I'm going to MAKE him check this out.

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  36. How can someone be that funny while being asleep?? I'm not even near as funny while being awake, even if I try! Is Adam as funny while being awake?

    If you made a CD out what he says, I bet it would win Best Comedy Album of the Year- awards in several countries.

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  37. I have never posted a comment, but I've got to say, that 3rd comment from Adam made me laugh so hard I'm hiccuping. My child does that to me all the time..."No mom, you can't fix it, it's broken. No really, don't even bother. Wow, how'd you do that?" Poor Adam. You guys are great!

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  38. Thanks for getting rid of all the rude posts. I didn't mind if they believed or not, but they were just getting more obnoxious. I love STM and check it daily. I must have at least 20 more people hooked! Keep talkin, SleepTalkinMan! We love you!

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  39. Andreas: Sadly, no. Adam IS a clever, witty guy. But Sleep Talkin Man wins hands down.

    I guess this is a great demonstration of the boundaries that we all put up. Adam says in interviews that he's very English (sorry, Brits, you know the stereotype!), but he's way more open, connected, and uninhibited than the average person.

    And yet, as his late night musings show, his protective layer must be pretty significant, like everyone else.

    Just think what we would all accomplish if we could strip all that away!

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  40. I just want to thank you guys for posting this, I read the blog every morning before school and it's really a great start to the day. I feel significantly cheerier. Although all my friends are quite puzzled by all the quotes through out the day!

    Cheers to the both of you!

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  41. I guessing Adam is a similar vintage to me, & if so then the knitting comment comes from waaay back in his childhood, where the horror of the handknitted jumper from Gran/Auntie spelt sartorial suicide in the school playground.... oh the horror.... & the impending doom of KNOWING the garment was currently under (loving) creation. Argh!

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  42. Hmm, this is the strangest "voice activated" recorder I've ever heard. Listening to some of the audio samples it is clear that the recording starts long before he even speaks. Take the Pirate quote as an example, it's recording well before he starts speaking. Most voice activated recorders miss the first world, this one appears to be able to start recording before a word is even spoken. maybe it is psychic? Amazing!

    Would you care to explain this amazing voice recorder?

    I know it is looked upon as evil to even question the validity of this blog, but I think your audio clips have blown the whole thing apart. Should we finally accept that the skeptics are right and you are bullshitting us?

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  43. dear tommy,

    the recording you mention actually started with me mumbling and so started recording then. when posting this audio we simply started the audio after the mumbles and before the words started.

    all modern voice activated recorders have a sensitivity setting so that they start immediately as soon as there is the slightest sound, from heavy breathing to talking so very very rarely would the first syllable be missed, let alone a whole world.

    i am happy to tell you the make and model of the recorder so you can test it out for yourself, it is readily available on amazon.

    you are fine to question, it is understandable, but please don't accuse us of 'bullshitting' anyone, there is none of that going on here i can assure you. have you tested such a recorder? oh and tommy, why is it when i click your name to answer you directly it take me through to google?

    adam

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  44. The third one is brilliant, I can totally relate. The moment the one person who might think you're just saying it to avoid doing something presses the button and it works, withou doing anything different to what you were doing. Like thinking there's an extra step at the top of the stairs.

    Just want to say I love the pair of you. Thank you for making me grin wickedly at inappropriate moments as one of STM's comments drifts into my head. Legends in your own time.

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  45. Karen just thinking back to 'your mothers at the door..." Does your mom knit??

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  46. Ah, and to add to Adam's explanation of the voice-activation on the recorder: I had to play around with it to choose a sensitivity setting. On the highest, 15, it actually records every tiny thing... when we turn over, the dog changes position, even slightly heavy breathing. It's irritating, because it means that I have to wade through an hour or two a night. But, when I set the sensitivity lower, it starts to miss the first syllable, as our lovely friend Tommy pointed out above. So, I chose to record every moment of the dog snoring to be 100% nothing was missed.

    Oh, the model is the Olympus VN-5200PC. Bought on Amazon, refurbished, for about $30.

    I hope we can now close this subject. Guys, the best thing we can do is not reply further to Tommy.

    Thanks for all the support. -Karen

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  47. "Is a British jumper the same as American? A sleevelss dress that one wears over a shirt/top?"

    uh, i wasn't even aware it had any other meanings than the british one! another word you americans messed about with, i guess xD
    but please, don't take this seriously ;)

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  48. 3,000,000 Unique Visitors. Congrats! (Out of curiosity: What exactly does 'unique visitors' mean?)

    Almost everyday I come back here Adam hits at least one out of the park (today he hit three tape measure shots IMO!). His insane productivity would, were I a Doubting Thomas, give me pause to the validity of the blog; but then I think, as one who writes constantly, that coming up with these quotes even when awake would be really impressive, perhaps even more impressive than if one were asleep.

    I had a disturbing dream last night: I made out with Sarah Palin. Very disturbing. Top that STM! I wonder if Sarah was looking at cheat notes on her hand during said session (like George Constanza). I guess I always wondered, deep in my subconscious, what it would be like to kiss a lipstick wearing pit-bull!

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  49. Nothing Adam has ever said is as disturbing as that dream, VonMalcolm!

    As for unique visitors, I think it just means the actual number of times anyone has ever hit the page that did not have a cookie already, which I suppose is the closest one can get to trying to figure out how many different people have visited the blog. It seems a more useful number to me than page hits (Adam and I alone would account for, like, 20,000 page hits).

    That number comes from StatCounter. I've been really impressed by what it does for free! We even get to look at a map of the world showing the past 500 visitors, which is pretty cool. I once counted 53 countries represented, just among the last 500 people!

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  50. I've been a Tex-pat in Australia for 7.5 years. I still can't get used to hearing my husband say that he's putting on a jumper.

    I also can't stop saying fanny.

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  51. Every day I check out what was said the night before, and laugh myself silly =) Thank you for continuing to make me giggle, it's a great way to start the day...
    Giggling in Ontario, Canada

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  52. is the knitting comment because of me?!!!!

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  53. D R E W: Please explain!

    IHateToast: My biggest problem word is still "pants"

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  54. drew, karen is obviously tired, she didn't realize that comment was from you. we were up late last night going over your site and loving everything we saw.

    get with the programme karen.

    oh hey, maybe you were the reason behind the knitting dream?

    adam

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  55. I have to tell you that after discovering your blog, I now lose sleep from trying to listen carefully and very closely to my fiance when he talks in his sleep. =0) I love that you post what your hubby says each night. It brings me to laughing in confusion as to how he 'thinks' of the things he says. I love it! Don't ever stop!
    ~Dawn from Arizona

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  56. Love your blog, keep it up. And to STM: Shouldn't you be in bed making new material by now? ;)

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  57. I usually read this at night, but read it this morning and went off laughing. Catching up now I'm giggling the whole way down the comments page!

    Karen: "Don't feel bad! I laugh right in his face when he wakes up!"

    Anon: "oh the horror.... & the impending doom of KNOWING the garment was currently under (loving) creation. Argh!"

    Anon: "uh, i wasn't even aware it had any other meanings than the british one!"

    Anon: "I've been a Tex-pat in Australia for 7.5 years. I still can't get used to hearing my husband say that he's putting on a jumper."

    That last one made me laugh out loud, thinking of the men in my family saying they were going to put on a jumper!

    (What's the point with the word "fanny"?)

    And yeah, it's us who have mucked the words up, since you guys had 'em first. :)

    Big thanks, Karen and Adam, for saying "we're having fun here - if you aren't into that go away." :)

    Also - it occurs to me to ask, K&A, if you are ok with the moniker I chose? I so love the kitten quote and signing in this way tickles my funny bone. But if it is not completely kosher I'll be glad to change it.

    :)
    2many?

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  58. My theory is that Adam was mistaken in that first quote: she was probably knitting a pair of jumper _cables_......so she could successfully jump-start the pony..... 7@=Q

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  59. Just going to shut things down, here, and - I sooo wish we had visuals. I want to see the pony being jump-started with a pair of knitted jumper cables!

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  60. Love your blog. Found you after the Today show. I usually read after work and nothing works better for laughs after a long day.

    And yes, Anonymous is right, we are the ones who messed with the words. You should hear how we sound in my part of the U.S. :)

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  61. As a knitter, I should be offended; but I think it's hysterical!

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  62. Please, please, please put the jumper quote on a shirt...

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  63. Haha at least he only talks, my partner has put me in a headlock, strangled me, and elbowed me in the jugular, all in one night!!

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  64. Prof. ZzzMAN-ylizer13 February 2010 at 05:32

    well now, fashion seems to be the talk of the day today according to Adam talk...

    i can picture in the early stages, a sense of rebellion on lil'adam when he was very sure of his fashion-sense but had no choice than ranting out his disapproval...knitted jumpers as this was 'aunties ' yearly gift he couldn't refuse and amongst the rage of colorful Bill Cosby Coogi-ish sweaters of the time, the lovingly gestured-creations just didn't cut the mustard for his taste...

    when really...ADAM needs to shine, BIG, HUGE and in your face with TASTE in his minds**eyes at least, not to speak out loud sensitively...but mindful of theory of a misfitting amongst peers....craps, not his rules that day, didn't want to rock the boat,(yet)!

    ...so he takes his frustration out on his classmates ...It's a good thing your breath smells of shit. It colors your words beautifully. Gives it an edge...as if to finalize the positive to a negative in a childlike moment...

    poor little adams' not the apple of anyones eye that day and thought "I can't get it to work. Nope, it must be broken...this... yearly theme....

    There's no point in trying...unless you come clean in a polite manner...for next year, gotta make it sweaters instead of jumper please; if all else, it's goin' to * in a handbasket - - - one loop de loop at a time....the older one gets, those jumpers just won't do and is just one step over the edge 'n into the heap--- for good, telling himself,

    Don't try....Stop trying… that'll hurt her feelings...How did he get it to work to his advantage?

    well, it took a lot of balls to say what he means and to mean what he says, but alas, lovingly resigned, for it's the thought that counts in the end --- reminding himself again and next year again...

    the love of the art, the craft of it...and no end in sight. . . yes...just oompa loompahing away, and inching to stitch up a new plan designed to a fittingly balance...what a tossup, off the mark...but...

    you can do it! - - - taking Tony Littles' sense of advice...a little honesty will go a long way
    !0: :} a long way to; don't take it personally :) -justaobservation-

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  65. dear anonymous 3.. i believe the first anonymous post was actually crediting the originality of the stuff, and saying that it is actually real because you COULDN'T MAKE IT UP..

    (i am one of those people that reads the first 5 comments and gets bored, so if this has already been said, i say it agiain..)

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  66. To answer TooManyWhisker's question about 'fanny', that particular word in North America is representative of our 'bottoms' whereas in UK it means the 'meow' part of a woman. As an original Brit living on Vancouver Island it took many years to be able to say "Fanny Bay" which is a little place heading north of the Island. Also, 'fanny pack' was difficult!!
    I always remember a show with Angie Dickinson arriving home from her job as a policewoman and saying to her partner that she had worked her fanny off all day. 30 years ago that comment caused quite the stir!!

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  67. I'm from England i don't call it a sweater i call it a jumper i think sweater sounds posh
    from jasmine

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  68. I just love this blog, it's hillariouse because my boyfriend talks in his sleep. Of course non of it makes sense, lol. He talks about trucks and stuff, or appliances. For example, one time I was talking to him in his sleep. I asked him what he was dreaming about, he started yelling that the refrigerator wouldn't fit in the space for it, and matts arm was getting in the way. (Matt is his friend who has only one arm that works.) Your blog is great!!! Gives me a laugh for the day.
    Thank you for writing it!!!

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  69. I like to read this blog in the morning before I put on my sneakers, pants, sweater and fanny pack, style my bangs, and head out onto the sidewalk.

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  70. Karen and Adam, I love your blog and it really does cheer me up. I just wanted to say I'm impressed how well you deal with the "trolls". Unfortunately there will always be people who comment just to cause upset. I've had it happen on my own blog which is just me muttering about stuff and about as harmless as you can get, I'm not even making any money from it! But someone obviously took offence and bombarded me with abuse. In the end I just felt sorry for them, and wondered what was lacking in their own life which meant they had to spend time attacking mine.

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  71. Karen & Adam, we love the site and also check it daily. When sitting at the table with our children, we went around the table asking what qualities we valued in a friend. My answer was the kid friendly version consisting of "Intelligent and Sarcastic". Adult translation - Intelligent and SmartAss. So, I guess you would both qualify magnificently as friends. My smartass friend at work turned me on to this site of course.

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  72. Ha! Thanks Anon 2:56. Very funny.

    Wonder if that got back to Angie D. Said on prime time, no less!

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  73. piece of advice for you too: purchase a shotgun microphone if you want better accuracy (go to a music store, they will know what this is.) It should not be hugely expensive, but with a little gaffer's tape and a dream you can hang it from the ceiling and record....I know you two likely have lives outside this weird talking thing, but I'm just sayin'...it will help you not hear the dog during the night.

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  74. So what's a 'jumper' in american then?

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  75. Christina - in the US it's a sleeveless dress worn over a turtleneck or top. Usually sort of school-girlish in flavor - a sleeveless dress with something under it worn by a woman doesn't make me think of the word "jumper."

    Sooo - to me (American) it made perfect and hilarious sense why STM said "F*ck! I don't want to be a social outcast. Oh, not good."

    And even funnier because he apparently anticipated having no ability to refuse to wear that "schoolgirl dress!" :) :)

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  76. Too cute. But, here in the US I'm not sure we use that word jumper at all. The only reference I use is jumper cables when the car won't start.

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  77. I'm Claire,
    Sorry 2manywhiskers, Adam is english and a jumper is a sweater not a tunic.
    Anonymous 17:52 was 'right on the ball', there are jumper's and then there are KNITTED jumper's; usually knitted in the school colour's and worn every day as part of the uniform! Along, with the short trousers (er, I mean pants, not underwear pants er,.........oh, I give up I'm off to get some crisps and I have to knock up my son at 15:30 for his football game!)At least I put you right about the "fanny!"

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  78. Thanks for letting us American's know that jumper = sweater, spot = zit, etc. Translations are highly appreciated!

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  79. Claire - yup, got it that jumper=sweater to you Brits. Was just explaining to Christina what the clothing article "jumper" is in Amercian, and how that made the whole thing *extremely* silly in my head.

    Of course now I'm laughing all over again to hear you say you're going to knock up your son at 15:30!!

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  80. Just out of curiosity, does Adam normally swear a lot in his waking hours? I'm not offended or bothered (and not complaining), but you refer to him as "mild mannered" so I was wondering. ;)

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  81. Claire here:

    I also have a question for Adam.

    Do you find that dreaming so much and being so active during your rest hours that you awake feeling tired??

    I, myself, dream a lot and always awake exhausted, however; an overnight sleep study revealed that I suffer with sleep apnea (having surgery for it March 4th) but I had always wondered if it was because I dreamt so much. Just curious.

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  82. i have to say that although i have been known to swear on ocassion i am nothing compared to the foul mouth of sleep talkin man.

    also i normally have a very restful sleep. my sleep talking does not affect me mainly in that it is not related to dreaming. it takes place in the much lighter sleep state when the brain is more naturally active.

    I hope whatever procedure you are having is successful.

    adam

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  83. Claire here:

    Thank-you Adam, I am dreading it quite honestly but am hoping that it will help me; sleep deprivation is brutal but I refuse to sleep with a c-pap machine the rest of my life. I'd never get a boyfriend if I had to wear one of those masks every night!!! It's like you're dressed for the blitz to start, lol.

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  84. haha love the can't get it to work comment - that is something i would say!

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  85. I wish I could come up with half the insults sleep talkin man says. Hilarious and biting, what joy!

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  86. To add to the already-vibrant "jumper" discussion: what North Americans call a "jumper" is what Brits call a "pinafore dress"...just in case that helps give the British a visual as to why we Americans and Canadians are giggling our heads off at the idea of Adam in a jumper...:-)

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  87. Here in Australia we also call a "Sweater" a Jumper and it sounds like what Americans call a Jumper is what we call a Pinafore.

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