Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100416

Apr 16 2010

"Bags of shopping. Bags of clothes. Bags of shite. Get away from me, bag lady. Away!"

"Don't push me! I'll fucking push you back. Push you back with double fist fury!"

"Beware the Werepig. Stay off the mud. Stay off the mud, I say!"

 or click here
"Are you listening? Are you? You listening good? Keep listening... PISS OFF MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WEEK-OLD BAG OF WANK! Thank you for listening."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: Yes, you heard right, Werepig-- a distant relative, I assume, of the werewolf. I would really love for someone to draw me a picture of a werepig.

I love how that last one ends up sounding like a public service announcement.

Added later: the audio player I had been using suddenly seems to be having a problem. I've replaced it with a Google one temporarily. Hopefully, that will work for everyone. If so, I'll replace the code for all the audio clips later. If you can't see/play the audio clips above, please let me know in the comments, and tell me what browser you are using.

Added later later: I'm still looking for a way to embed audio that will work for everyone. In the meantime, I've put in links to open them in your own media players.

122 comments:

  1. I'd say irritation was his dominant emotion last night. Karen, were you pushing him literally?

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  2. Thank you for talking.

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  3. Beware the Werepig! I bet people would like that as a shirt.

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  4. See bottom of page for the werepig

    http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

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  5. The audios don't seem to work (read: I can't see the audio thingie) with any of the browsers that I have on my computer (Opera, Google Crome, IE & Firefox). Is it me or do others have problems too?

    Thank you Karen, Adam and STM for making my every day tiny bit brighter. :)

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  6. Your common-or-garden politician is probably not that different from a werepig, given how much time they spend with their snouts in the trough.

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  7. Riikka- I cant see them either... I'm gonna leave it a few hours and try later....

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  8. Oh, you should so put the audio up...I see there are other people anticipating audio with excitement that equals my own...
    xx

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  9. Oh there it is. Thank you xx

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  10. riikka, karen is looking into it now. thank you for alerting us to this.- adam

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  11. I can see (and hear) the audios again! :) I just love the last one!

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  12. You should definitely go to urbandictionary.com and type in the word werepig...hilariousness ensues.

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  13. I'm on internet explorer and the audio doesn't work for me.

    But it's okay! The comments are still hilarious. :)

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  14. I'm on IE as well, and the audio isn't working for me, either.

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  15. Werepig...those things from Willow spring to mind. Used to scare the crap out of me as a kid

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  16. I'll chime in on IE wont show the audio for me.

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  17. Ie wont show audio unless i add an active x control

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  18. Once i was able to see the Audio it wouldn't play *sighs* funny about werepigs though

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  19. Here Karen a werepig LOL

    http://www.angelfire.com/hi5/andymauro/

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  20. i got this from wikipedia..

    werepig: this creature native to the americas and throughout most western europe, is considered republican by nature or how some in egland may call them; a wank. they seek out the smell of cheap beer and porn and before dawn, they crawl back to their living room couches to masturbate in 'aloneness'; also known as filth.

    a loner - not by nature. the werepig is very talented in the art of insulting come-on's that result in both women and men avoiding it at all costs. considered the equivalent of a red necked sports fan, their diet basically consists of moldy crisps and dried humus. during the day, most have jobs from the hours of 9-5; it is during this time that the werepig is more person to the human eye though deep inside, the true nature of the werepig resides; there, nothing exists but a hot, rancid ball gas of belching or excessive flatulence just waiting to explode. when the werepig seeks to relief itself, it may put on a dance where, whilst sitting on it's chair, leans from side to side and lets out a lout groan. it enjoys its own flesh and frequently walks around naked. beneath its massive skin folds, lie large amounts of treasure that has accumulated over the years; snacks - anything ranging from taquitos, to leftover macaroni salad. the werepig possessing seven tits; does sometimes appear to lactate through no fault of its own. experts have yet to harness the creature for further experiment and it remains unknown whether it is milk that the werepig is releasing or, just emptying out it's vast reserves of seminal fluid or indeed, accumulated fat.

    the specimen may go by the name of carl, murphy, ashley and maybe even brutus. friends of the werepig rarely see either portions of the pig because it mostly remains hiding. some seek out to be self-employed where only they, have the pleasures of basking in their stench. female werepigs have yet to be discovered but more than likely, they are not much different than the male specie. these women are likely to prey on young boys and mask their odors with excessive use of their "summer's eve". traces of large amounts of fluid have been found in their natural habitat; scientists believe that it was neither milk or semen but rather large amounts of green fluid probably from the female werepig's ability and talent to self-douche. it remains a mystery as to how the women are able to do this but scientists believe that it's talent lie in basically the female werepig's diet composed of mild to spicy salsa and corn chips.

    both specimen enjoy cheap lager and rarely do they ever frequently mate. it is believed that they copulate once a year and it has to be done with the aid of a large and very conveyer belt. lots of mystery surround both the human form and the pig form of those we've learned to call werepig but with the dangers and hazards of global warming, less and less of this specie have been reported. they seem to spend most of their seasons trapped in some sort of rage that can only be alleviated by those spray guns with those spinning little fans. most of them vacation at disney when the season is warm and the rest roam the empty parking spaces at your local wal-mart.

    none have ever been captured. it is believed that if one sees a werepig, they will be disturbed by it's grotesque mannerisms and flee. they are in grave danger in the regions near israel as their extreme heat causes them to lurk and masturbate while watching in the darkness. they have been highly prized and large groups have been sent out to hunt it. they are never eaten as they are believed to be condemned by god due to their excessive ugliness but nonetheless, the specimen is and always will be, highly regarded as a monster and never as one of the seven great wonders of the world but rather, a sin.

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  21. http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

    Scroll down almost to the bottom.
    Beware the werepig!

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  22. Thank you for changing the audio! Works on IE; will try it tonight on Chrome. Much appreciated.

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  23. Oh shoot, I'm sorry. I thought it would work on IE because I could see it rendered on the page, so I commented pre-emptively. Sadly, it doesn't.

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  26. Audio wont play. Using Firefox on a Mac

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  27. A werepig ackording to the book "the alchemist (sectret life of the imortal nickolas flammel" by Michael Scott a werepig or wereboar is a half human half boar they are distinctive by the inticate spirals on there tusks. They were created by hektate (the goddess with three heads) usses them as guards in her shadowrealm.

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  28. ZE Audioplayer! IT does Nozing! Nozing at all!

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  29. I can't see the audio player unless I allow ActiveX controls, and then I can't play anything in them - I can only pause or stop the silence with more silence. I am using the most recent IE with Windows 7.

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  30. ROTFL werepig is TOO funny.

    There was one in True Blood last season, I believe...

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  31. The new audio works for me in Ice Weasel (Firefox equivalent) on Debian Linux. However, the old audio no longer loads for me. There is just a blank spot on the page where it should be.

    The way Adam very politely says "Thank you for listening." at the end cracked me up.

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  32. My interpretation:

    "Bags of shopping. Bags of clothes. Bags of shite. Get away from me, bag lady. Away!"

    This is a message for Karen, his wife, I think. Why? Let's see the second phrase:

    "Don't push me! I'll fucking push you back. Push you back with double fist fury!"

    He felt pushed. Why? Because he didn't say any word the previous night, and therefore her wife doesn't have anything to publish in her blog (maybe the stockpile is running out of phrases?). So he have to say anything for all the people who is listening. So finnally, what did he say? The answer is in the last phrase:

    "Are you listening? Are you? You listening good? Keep listening... PISS OFF MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WEEK-OLD BAG OF WANK! Thank you for listening."

    Funny, isn't it?

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  33. Wait, in the first phrase, did he say "bag lady" or "beg lady"?

    Second will fit more with my interpretation!

    What do you think Karen?

    I love this blog.

    Manuel

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  34. Audio worked well for me and I, personally, liked it better this way.

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  35. I like the new audio better too, although the old ones used to work fine.

    It's interesting to me the way that STM can string together a long and relatively coherent sequence of thoughts (as in the "listening" one). And the Werepig is very Wallace-and-Gromit-esque :)

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  36. The audios seem to be working better (they load before playing instead of load/play at the smae time). I use Chrome.

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  37. The audio won't play for me on IE.

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  38. Can you make a "Beware of the werepig." Shirt? I love it!

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  39. Anon 9:11 and Ali I love the link. This audio works better for me! I'm on firefox. @ savanna just install the control it shouldn't take more than a few seconds

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  40. I can see the audio clip, but it won't work for me - I use IE.

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  41. I can't see the audio "thingie" either on IE. Also this blog makes me smile everyday, so thank you!!!

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  42. You guys wouldn't happen to be fans of Wallace and Gromet would you?

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  43. Player worked well for me on Firefox, but then, I keep all the plug-ins up to date.

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  44. I'm on internet explorer and the audio doesn't work. Reading them is entertaining but actually hearing them is wayyy better!!

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  45. hmmm, audio wouldn't work for me either, hope to hear about the werepigs later....thanks for the laughs!!!

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  46. Don't have audio and I'm using Internet Explorer on a Dell...sad really I wanted to listen to "werepig"

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  47. Using internet explorer. The file shows up as a quicktime icon. I have quicktime installed but still nothing.

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  48. T-shirt "DOUBLE FIST FURY!"

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  49. Hey Karen,
    This audio works a lot better for me. I use Google Chrome. It looks like IE users are the ones getting shafted.

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  50. See STM just needed a break to recharge his bile, I mean batteries! It takes time to come up with things such as werepig.... LOL!

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  51. Werepig. Merchandise. Now. PLEASE. >_<

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  52. Using IE8, I only get little, transparent Realplayer symbols where the players ought to be.

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  53. Using IE8 and the audio isn't working for me. But I do love reading them!

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  54. Using Google Chrome on Windows 7 64-bit, works fine for me :)

    BEWARE THE WEREPIG!

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  55. Error!!! "mem://03EFAB40/www.google.com/reader/ui/3247397568-audio-player.swf?audioUrl=http://www.sleeptalkinman.com/audio/areYouListening.mp3"

    ~Kat {Hong Kong}

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  56. I wonder if the werepig is a friend of the vampire penguins and the zombie guinea pigs...?

    We're done for.

    DONE for.

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  57. Ok STM was hilarious today!! I love the way he's whispering softly about the werepig, like he's hiding from it LOL. And the public service announcement is hysterical too.

    I was able to listen to the clips on my firefox by downloading the adobe flash player update 10.0.45. But haven't as yet figured out which update will fix IE.

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  58. The new one works fine. The old ones USED to work fine, but now they disappear. Are you making changes for the old ones too? I'm using MacOS's Safari.

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  59. I'll be sure to draw a werepig when I get home after work!

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  60. I'm on safari on my iPod works great never been able to listen before :D

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  61. I think the warepig must be a distand relative of the zombie guinea pig...or perhaps the vampire penguins.

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  62. perhaps you need to have contest for images of werepigs and vampire penquins that then become T-shirts, part of the proceeds perhaps benefiting the Elephant Santuary ...

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  63. i liked the last one the best.

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  64. I can't get the audio on my iPhone. Any ideas?

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  65. Sleep Talkin' Man (via me) presents The End of Man!

    Click for Pic!

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  66. Actually I prefer the google player for the audio inserts, because the normal player you've been posting with is blocked for me at work...but the google one isn't! Just thought I would throw that out there ;)

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  67. Werepig. Could it be somehow related to Manbearpig? Yes people, Manbearpig is real.

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  68. I can finally hear your audio clips! Woo-hoo!

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  69. Oh Adam! You never cease to make me giggle! I love what you said last night! And thank you Karen for sharing nightly!

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  70. More ringer tees please. for men too.

    -DW

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  71. a werepig. Huh. I agree perhaps a relation to the Manbearpig. I'm cereal!

    And I love how he starts out in a whisper "are you listening?" and ends with one, lol. Love it!

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  72. New audio works much better. I run Opera (latest version) on Vista. The old audio kinda worked. On every computer I've used (Firefox-OSX, Firefox-Windows, Opera-Windows, Safari-OSX), the old audio would require a page refresh to listen to more than one---or replay the one I just listed to. Seemed kind of odd.

    -- Anonymous Chickenbutt

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  73. New audio player works for me on my iPhone, brilliant!!! I've had to
    make a voice up in my head while reading them.......now I don't have to! Great job Karen keep up the good work.

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  74. lol nice pig kook.

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  75. new audio works perfect! i run firefox on a mac, and sometimes the old audio wouldn't load right, but the new ones loaded right away

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  76. I wonder what werepig bacon tastes like?

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  77. on IE and audio won't work for me.

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  78. Was it a Funky Werepig?

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-funky-werepig

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  79. audio works fine for me in firefox. the psa was badgertastic! "thank you for listening."

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  80. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=werepig

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  81. "Bags of shopping. Bags of clothes. Bags of shite. Get away from me, bag lady. Away!" i live in finland and this departmentstore called stockmann has theese days called "hullut päivät" (in english "crazy days"), that last for maybe 4days... and the whole point with them is that (almost) everything is cheap or special just theese 4(?)days... and i hate the whole thing, cause its so crowded and people practically go crazy... so the bag lady thing is really awesome and the perfect way to describe "hullut päivät"... :D

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  82. Mac + Firefox and everything sounds good, like it always does!!!!!

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  83. I'm using a PC and Internet Explorer, and I can't get the linky things to send the audio to my media player. Albiet I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to go about that. All that happens is a small, blue, faintly-there Q-shape appears in the middle of the post. It lights up a little when I click it, but otherwise does nothing.

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  84. i'm using internet explorer and i can't get the audios :(

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  85. @Dr.Heckle: Nobody knows what Werepig bacon tastes like; although, in the remoter regions of New Guinea, there are rumors of a (universally despised) 'medium pig' cult. No native has ever admitted participation in this practice (for obvious reasons); although they relish 'short pig' (ordinary pork), and will grudgingly admit to the occasional taste of 'long pig' (human flesh). 'Medium pig', being a bastardization of the two, is considered an unspeakable abomination...... 7@=Q

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  86. I've got this idea that Werepigs featured in "The Fosdyke Saga", the comic strip by Bill Tidy which featured in the Daily Mirror for many years. But I've Googled it and it comes up with nothing. Does it ring a bell with anyone though?

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  87. The bag lady comment made me wonder if I had unknowingly bumped into Adam on the Tube after one of my 'retail therapy' excursions when I was in London. My English friends tell me I may have shopped too much (can one ever shop 'too much'?) but I enjoyed supporting the UK economy! Thanks for another daily laugh, Adam and Karen. :-)

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  88. Oh, Karen, it just hit me how lucky we all are that you made it back to your talky DH BV (before volcano)

    What would your audience have done if you'd been stuck in the States until the ash cleared with Adam silent in your absence! Too horrible to imagine!

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  89. Hi, I would suggest you to give a go to 1pixelout player: it could be a little mess to use it, but it's fast, lightweight and free.

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  90. JUST PICTURE ANY COP YOU'VE EVER SEEN.......THEY COME OUT AT NIGHT! ESPECIALLY ON A FULL MOON.

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  91. "Are you listening? Are you? You listening good? Keep listening... PISS OFF MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WEEK-OLD BAG OF WANK! Thank you for listening."

    LMAO!!! LOVE it!

    P.S. lol...chickenbutt....heh heh heh

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  92. 'Stay off the mud'...Does Adam like An American Werewolf in London?

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  93. No, I remember now, it wasn't werepigs in the Fosdyke Saga, it was vampigs. Sorry!

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  94. WEEK OLD BAG OF WANK!

    I like the way he didnt know how he was going to finish the sentence even once started. You can tell this by the pause between 'you' and 'week'


    So he gets to 'you' and in a second of pause composes 'week old bag of want!'

    very creative and impressive thinking on his feet!

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  95. Does Adam read the Sookie Stackhouse series by any chance? It'd definitely account for the whole 'Werepig' thing :]

    Mostly because, in the series.. there are Weres (humans that have the genetic ability to shift to a certain animal), werewolves, werepanthers, werefoxes, and who knows, perhaps within that world of Weres, Werepigs existed too :P

    I imagine a werepig as simply just a pig.. that transforms into a human after the full moon or something :D
    (those book series are actually pretty addicting :D check it out :)

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  96. ooh i mean 'I imagine a werepig as simply just a pig.. that was a human that transformed on the night of a full moon' :P
    Whoops! I hope that clears any confusion you may have :]

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  97. Prof. ZzzMAN-ylizer18 April 2010 05:24

    short. sweet. 2thepo!nt. baggy pants. baggy purse. baggybooty.baggybutt. i beg your pardon. i never promised you a rose garden. push. shove. smackeroo. mudslinging.

    were you there. did you hear? please don't yank the wank. stank.

    pisspushshove-not too picturepurrrfect.

    .. tank u. ;)

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  98. it is probably just me, but that first one, where Adam yells at the bag lady to get away, reminds me of a line from Hocus Pocus, in which Binx's father mistakes him for the witches' familiar and yells "away beast! away!" lol. i am showing my age.

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  99. Did STM see this? http://theoatmeal.com/img/stories/twilight/formula.png

    From this page: http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

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  100. Prof. ZzzMAN-ylizer... get a job. And a life.

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  101. Actually, a comic maker by the title The Oatmeal has already made the werepig while he was defacing Twilight. If you like Twilight and can't handle anybody talking badly about it then don't read this, but Werepig is at the bottom. ^^

    http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

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  102. I may be rather late, but I did a photomanip of a werepig: http://i646.photobucket.com/albums/uu188/MadisonRose/mohammedthewerepig.jpg

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  103. I don't know if Adam has any familiarity with Dungeons and Dragons, but if he does, there's a creature called a wereboar. Just found that out yesterday from a friend.

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  104. The Simpson's Movie has a werepig, I believe. Homer holds it up and has it make footprints on the ceiling.

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  105. I have a link for a werepig picture I found on the net!

    http : (slash) (slash) www (dot) mojizu (dot) com (slash) artist (slash) docalien (slash) Werepig (dot) aspx

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  106. Only one person got the werepig reference. It sounds very much like the scene from the movie An American Werewolf in London.....a villager tells the tourists "beware the moors, stay to the road."

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  107. I always remember the first time I heard the term 'werepig' used, it was by Vic & Bob on 'Shooting Stars' (UK tv) where they used it to describe people whose noses were slightly piggish (they actually used it to describe Kevin Bacon) *lol*
    Maybe that's where Adam heard it?

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  108. Tavdy said...

    Your common-or-garden politician is probably not that different from a werepig, given how much time they spend with their snouts in the trough.

    i think they spend more time with their snouts in each others bottoms that troughs

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  109. looks like MIT death opera ... just under a new name...but it's not the only death opera playing
    Ode to my Zenas & my Zetas

    There was once a praying mantis who hated the light
    So he told all the crickets to chirp only at night
    And all the kings horses and all the kings men
    Never did hear the humming begin
    And no one was left when it came to an end
    the insectoid world is not always kind
    but most are quite clever with a very sharp mind
    survival of the fittest is the game they play
    and there are no rules so they play their own way
    when they talk its so fast that they buzz like bees
    not all bees are heard as they hum through the trees
    no more hunny will we make for you
    and theres not a dam thing any of you can do
    so why would you give a hunny bee strife
    since without pollination there is no more life

    EA’s Sofia
    Gee…I guess insects have a death opera they can play too!!

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  110. Santa made his list and checked it twice…
    He saw some people who weren’t very nice

    Instead of for candy
    aussies asked for coal
    And for this black rock
    they paid with their soul

    the Asians carelessly over fished the seas
    and the sharks now have nothing on which to feed
    so in masses they patrol the coast line
    just waiting to be told where they can dine

    Belgium don’t think we forgot about you
    Your souls have all be compromised too
    Perhaps some water will come your way
    And the sharks will be sent to your place to play

    As for all the brits horses and all the kings men
    Did you really think you had a chance to win
    And as for the nazi german 3rd reicht
    Into the abyss I offer you a free flight

    Usa don’t think we have forgotten your crime
    And you too will be held accountable in time
    The city of angels underwater will be
    And the American Indians will finally be free

    Zurich with your little cern
    With a pin size black whole
    who will you burn
    foolish little jack asses you never do learn

    china and japan
    tigers and lions
    you will suffer the same fate
    as islamas and zions

    new Zealand we have watched you too
    and you will no longer injure those in my zoo
    chiles, phillipines and the great spain
    I guarantee you no food will grow on your planes

    And for any one else who I didn’t include
    do not think that you will be allowed to elude
    the fate you are guaranteed to yield
    because you wouldn’t stay off the energy field


    turkey and india you too will topple
    I hear daily on the airwave gobble gobble
    You and Russia the writers of red ink
    Will be trapped on your continents
    When they sink

    IAM’s were watching
    Nephilim War Court

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  111. dont you think youve sent each other enough red ink n salamander candy

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  112. PS...if you have grace disregard the poem

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