Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100428

Apr 28 2010

"I know. It's incredible. It's me!"

 or click here
"What's the time? Goddamit!... What's the time? Fucking shite!... What's the time? Great, now I'm gonna be fucking late. Next time answer me the first time. Titty fuck!"
 or click here
"Oooh. You know what would be good? Arse bags. Big bags full of arse."
 or click here
"I think my feet are turning to jelly. Can't stand up straight anymore. Feel like a weeble."
 or click here
"You're in the crosshairs of my love. And my aim is true. Bitch."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: A special treat today - all the audio!

I was just getting back into bed from the bathroom when Adam asked, "What's the time?" I couldn't figure out if he was awake or asleep, that being, of course, the logical question to ask upon waking unexpectedly. Not that he usually swears like that when awake but, you know, no one really likes waking up in the dead of night. He kept asking, and I was suspended in confused silence, waiting for a sign. Once he got to "now I'm gonna be fucking late," my confusion evaporated.

When he said "arse bags," I thought, "did he just say arse bags?" And then, as if hearing my silent question, he made himself perfectly clear. By that time, I was starting to lose it, as you can hear.

Those of us who grew up in the 80s certainly know what weebles are. "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!" Does that ring a bell? For you young 'uns out there, this is a weeble. You smack them, and they pop right back up!

To fully understand what he was saying, you need to remember that, in the UK, "jelly" = jell-o.

By the time he got to "crosshairs of my love," he had rolled over and had his arm around me. When he ended with "Bitch," I broke down laughing. He woke up, hearing a gasping sounds and feeling my body shake, and asked me with great concern why I was crying.

I never did get back to sleep.

67 comments:

  1. i love reading your stuff everyday! thank you so much for putting this stuff online.

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  2. Yay! All the audio! Had me rolling on the floor! My favorite here, I think, is the crosshairs of love - the way he says "bitch" is just too much! lol!

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  3. I just added what he apparently forgot to say:

    I know. It's incredible. It's me: Perfection on two legs!

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  4. brilliant! so up himself. so unexpected. so clever. so FUNNY!!!

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  5. "You're in the crosshairs of my love. And my aim is true. Bitch."

    Something for a valentines card, FOR SURE! :D

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  6. All of these are fantastic! I'm going to have to use the crosshairs one at university :D

    Thank you so much for sharing these with us!

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  7. WEEBLES! Oh I'm still traumatised from when I accidentally flushed mine down the loo when I was 3 or 4. It was sitting on the cistern when I pressed 'flush'. Oh no....no...no!!!!!!

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  8. I am currently hunched over my laptop reading these, since it's 6 AM here, and I managed to keep a straight face until he said "Bitch." Then I lost it, and woke my roommate up.

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  9. I love when we hear you laughing. Makes it even funnier than it already is. :D

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  10. I agree with Ionie - The crosshairs one should be put on a valentine's day card :p

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  11. Yes, good ol weebles (since Im 7 months pregnant, my hubby has so lovingly nicknamed me just that!) They actually came out with NEWER and cooler versions of them while my firstborn was little.

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  12. "You're in the crosshairs of my love. And my aim is true. Bitch."

    Smooth talking bastard lol

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  13. How can you possibly get any sleep with all this going on? Too funny.

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  14. I have tears in my eyes and my stomach hurts. I havn't laughed this hard is a LONG time. WOW!! I use to yell at waitress and shout out restruant orders in my sleep, but this is WAY OUT there.

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  15. Now I kinda want to hear the full audio of the "crosshairs" one including the crack up and explanation ;)

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  16. Too weird! The weebles jingle was stuck in my head all day yesterday for no real reason. I start my day with your blog everyday before work and here they are again!

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  17. the audio is great today.
    i was a 70's kid and still have weebles. the originals are the best. the new ones look like crap.

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  18. Thanks for the laugh! Sorry you are not getting much sleep... but I am so glad you have this hilarious blog. It makes my day, every day!

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  19. Weeebles! My sister and I loved to play Little People but sometimes they fell over. The Weebles incorporated quite nicely while remaining upright. Plus they had an entire circus. Our community of tiny hominid toys expanded quite a bit when she started collecting Strawberry Shortcake dolls but she only let them join in on a controlled basis. Little did I know that the Weebles foretold America's fat future in contrast the the stocky but not obese Little People.

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  20. My God! So good! I wish we had audio all the time. His inflection, patois and accent - yes, I'm a Yank - makes them even funnier.

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  21. OMG! This stuff is too funny! Have to agree, love it when we can hear you laughing Karen!
    Love the different tones of voices he uses, way too fricken funny!

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  22. OMG, I can't even handle the last one with the "Bitch" at the end! I've been laughing for a good ten minutes since reading that. I think I found my new favorite STM quote.

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  23. Aw weebles, I haven't heard that since I was pregnant. My sisters followed me around singing "weebles wobble but they dont fall down"...very traumatic lol great stuff today!

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  24. I think I would be okay with not falling back to sleep after such hilarity.

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  25. Oh. My. Goodness. I feel like he's spoken directly to me this week! My blog name is based on Weebles wobbling!!! Totally weird!

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  26. Crosshairs of my love. Nice. Very, very nice. I laughed so hard. Thanks so much again, guys!

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  27. i got my t-shirts yesterday! yay!

    i LOVE how he says "oooh" in the third one.

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  28. I really need to get a recorder on my husband... he was just talking away last night but I can never remember what he says the next morning! We've been reading your blog and I wonder if you have inspired him to be more vocal at night!

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  29. Adam is making it very, very difficult to pick just one favorite here! Or even two, for that matter! I'd wind up having a different shirt for every day of the month! Thanks again for starting my day off with laughs.

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  30. Now my employees know I'm not working because these audio clips made me laugh out loud when we're all supposed to be in a somber mood! Thanks a lot!

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  31. Sleep Talkin' Man is AWESOME! Although Karen must miss out on a lot of sleep, at least your days are filled with amusement! I imagine for Adam this must be very therapeutic! As nice well mannered men probably still have mean things they would like to say to people throughout the day they are too nice and polite to do so. At night he gets out all those mean things!

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  32. love it! STM is so hilarious!
    btw: thanks for fixing the sound thingy. . .it's working perfect!

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  33. PLEEEEEEASE put the 'crosshairs of my love' bit on merchandise!!!

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  34. I agree; I'd love to hear the results of the last quote (the hysterical laughing, and concern for why you were crying, etc). This blog makes my day, every day!

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  35. This stuff is classic!!

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  36. "...Biiiiitch." I love that it was all drawn out. BIIIIITCH.

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  37. Todays is a pure treasure trove of brilliance. I may not comment often, but I do check in for a gauranteed laugh. The comment the other day about "having a great day and don't you fucking try to ruin it", is pure gold.

    Keep it up guys. You make my day!

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  38. I loved my Weeble wobbles. Thanks for sharing I love your Blog. It makes my day!

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  39. I hope you were having lots of fun in the crosshairs of his love. If that's why you lost sleep, might be worth it....

    (old ladies are permitted lewd thoughts)

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  40. I read them at work, (save em till the end of the day as a treat) then go home and listen to the audio with hubby and son. Gives all three of us the giggles. All audios today, thanks Karen, gonna be fun when I get home!

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  41. "You're in the crosshairs of my love. And my aim is true. Bitch."

    WIN!

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  42. I buried Sheep Weeble in the sand on a beach in Devon when I was 3 to see if I would be able to find him again. I was devastated to find that I couldn't, and cried for the rest of the day!! Poor Sheep Weeble is probably still bobbing around at sea somewhere 32 years later :).

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  43. I love STM! I start every morning by reading your blog! Karen, you are the best narrator! I am a college student and we love your blog. You have many fans at the University of Illinois, USA! I think that you should have a biography on your page about the both of you. A little history about we're your from, how you met, and stuff. Even a little info about your dog :)
    ~B

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  44. Love it! You guys make my day every day! I've recommended this page to many, many people and no one has stopped laughing and talking about it since! Great stuff!

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  45. big bags full of arse! XDDDDD HAHAHAHAHA daily dose of humor from stm never disappoints!

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  46. Weebles were a great metaphor for life. I still know exactly where all mine are - how sad is that!? Haha

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  47. "Oooh. You know what would be good? Arse bags. Big bags full of arse."

    We women ask, "What do men want?" Adam provides the answer.

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  48. "Crosshairs of My Love"...... someone has *got* to write that into a song.... 7@=Q

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  49. Karen, you should include your laughter/response more often, it makes it even funnier hearing your reaction. :o)

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  50. I absolutely love the crosshairs quote!

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  51. This has just made my week. Crosshairs funny, arse bags with your laughter added in, hilarious!

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  52. Oh my gosh, SO fun and funny today - all of it!!! And... a FIVE audio night!!

    I laughed and laughed at that last one, and the story of the night's activities. I just love you guys for adding all this fun to my life. :)

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  53. The "crosshairs of my love" one is just begging for a bassline and a drum track. I think you have this summer's hit single on your hands here.

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  54. Some of the best yet. I don't know how you get ANY sleep.

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  55. Can you include the audio of you laughing more often?? I'd love to hear you lose it after "crosshairs..bitch." :P I think the laughter makes it so much funnier! For instance - hearing you tell Adam what he said after he said "stupid fucking cunty bollocks ..expialidocious!" and both of you laughing was sooo funny! :D

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  56. "You're in the crosshairs of my love. And my aim is true. Bitch."

    Valentine's Day card? I think so. :)

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  57. That last one is PERFECT! bahahaha!

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  58. Thanks for the weeble example! My daughter and I read this and she asked what one was!

    We don't mind the cussing but joke that he should try being "Sweet Talkin Man"

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  59. The crosshairs got me laughing too! This is too funny.

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  60. I wonder if he'd recently heard "Allison" by Elvis Costello...

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