Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100629

June 29 2010

"Christ, I'd rather be afflicted with permanently infected hairy arse grapes than be subjected to another minute of your drivel."

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By this time, I'd already been awake for a while with insomnia, so I got up to go to the bathroom. As I shifted out of bed, Adam chimed in with:
"It's moving. You can hear it. Ooooh. It's big 'un! It's a big 'un. We're gonna have to use two mallets on this one. Take out its knees! No, won't be doing that again in a hurry."
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By the end of that, I'd made it to our en suite bathroom and settled down to pee. From the bed, I heard:
"She's opened up the floodgates again! Christ almighty."
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After I'd crawled back into bed, my husband began channeling his dinner:
"baGawk! Bok... baGawk!"
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And then he woke himself up in the usual manner:


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STM: MINGE MUNCHER!
ADAM: Ooh… I daresay, that could have been embarrassing. Was it?
KAREN: (laughing) Do you know what you yelled?
ADAM: Umm, I’ve got a horrible suspicion it was nothing I could repeat to my mother? (Karen laughs) Oh, fuck. (more laughing) What was it?
KAREN: Um… Minge muncher?
ADAM: Hmm… My head hurts. Did I bang it?
KAREN: No. No.
ADAM: Mmm. Makes a change.
KAREN: You also clucked like a chicken. Twice.
ADAM: Excuse me? I did what?
KAREN: BaGawk!
ADAM: You-- You misheard.
KAREN: BaGawk!
ADAM: You must have misheard.
KAREN: Nope. What could I possibly mistake that for?
ADAM: Having a stroke? Maybe I was having a stroke, I don’t know!
KAREN: Oh Baby, you were having a stroke and I didn’t do anything!
ADAM: I was clucking like a chicken, for fuck’s sake! I think that’s the warning sign you should wake me up. I’m sorry, when your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9! It’s not healthy.

68 comments:

  1. Permanently infected hairy arse grapes... Wow.

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  2. I wasn't going to listen to the audio on this entry (about to go to bed), but I HAD to hear what "baGawk! Bok... baGawk!" sounded like. ;))

    And, of course, the reveal. :D "When your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 999." Priceless. (And yes, I am one Yank who knows that UK 999 = US 911.)

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  3. i love the awake chat on this last one! great stuff!

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  4. My favorite line of the ordeal is "I have a horrible suspicion it was nothing I could repeat to my mother."

    Apparently, waking Adam can be comical too, when he's wary of his sleeping self.

    LOL. <3

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  5. minge muncher - t-shirt :)

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  6. I think it sounds a little more like "binge muncher"

    But hey... whatever Adam said, it's funny:^)

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  7. Prof. ZzzMAN-ylizer29 June 2010 at 09:41

    it's early and it's permanently infected hairy arse grapes, (moving sasquatch!) mallet attack, opened up floodgates, double duty bird call! it's a bird, (it's a plane), no, chickensh*t, cry-out-loud oh! a 999/911 shoutout-m*g-m*ger to seriously alarm Adam himself Awake! and the sweetest sleeptalk to our healthy laughter!!!
    - t o t a l l y ...

    The two of you are just...2 peas in a pod!!, for trailin' story travels in and out of bed, such a mixed bag of treats to sift-about, we forgive you for being just you Adam, and Karen for just being there to Re~(:p)~veal your everydays and everyways to the general public,

    it's all good, and all good fun, and FUNTASTIC it is, so here's to cheers to your health at our expense, it really is your labor of <3 and we've caught your fever, clever and all


    ,.·´¯`·¸¸skip.to.my.loo.my·.,¸¸,·dahlin's,.·¯·,.
    (sorry, couldn't help myself:)

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  8. Sounds like PENSMANSHIP!

    Which is an awesome word to scream while waking up.
    BaGawk!

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  9. "You also clucked like a chicken."
    "Excuse me? I did what?... You misheard." Wonderful.

    And yes, that was definitely "minge muncher".

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  10. When your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 999. Got it.

    Cheers, Rochelle xx

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  11. I don't know whether to laugh along with you, be embarrassed or feel concerned by the clucking!

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  12. Haha, awesome conversation at the end there :D

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  13. oh christ!! not the floodgates lol.

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  14. Adam could your sleep-talking self have tourette's syndrome? ;)
    chris

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  15. chris, who knows?! although i have to say my sleep talking does seem to be tamer when my kids come to stay over!

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  16. Minge-muncher, clucking like a chicken and the hilarious reveal - OMG!! Just what I needed to get moving this morning with a laugh! Thanks K&A!

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  17. Wow! Thanks for sharing such personal moments with us. A night full of awesome one liners! And all I got was snoring and coughing from husband.

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  18. Best reveal conversation yet.

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  19. 4ever =O) laughter29 June 2010 at 14:52

    "baGawk! Bok... baGawk!"

    Hope you won't be counting your chickens before they hatch another plot against you; tomorrow, Bok! its a sign...a healthy one,

    psss...SUNNY SIDE UP! lotz to crow about...
    yes, chicken a la KING

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  20. Well this definately made my morning. I needed that after a horrible day yesterday as my husband got laid off from his job. Listening to this made me laugh! Thanks! Love the site!

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  21. Joshua Grossauer29 June 2010 at 15:04

    I have to say that your conversation at the end was the greatest auditory communication my ears have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. So much so that it drove me to post this comment, which is something I don't do much of. I just want to say thank you guys so much for your continued effort to share Adams midnight musings with the world, it brings me and many others much enjoyment. Your blog is only one of a few websites that I visit on a daily basis and as long as you guys keep posting, I'll keep reading.

    sincerely,
    Josh

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  22. One could surely get a ~H~I~G~H~ on this site

    It's the HIGH LIFE!

    Hi! =}

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  23. thank you everyone for your amazing support.

    marsha, i am so sorry to hear your news. i know how you feel. i was also unemployed for 9 months. it was hard, but i stuck with it and am now extremely happily employed again and loving it. i wish your husband all the best in his job hunt.

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  24. Karen, your line "Oh Baby, you were having a stroke and I didn’t do anything!" was perfect comedic timing.

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  25. Marsha, keep your head up with these heads up, we're pulling for you and those that may be in a twisted situation in these strange days, a bitta belly laugh keeps us healthy and strong and fingers crossed wishes your-all ways :]

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  26. "When your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9! It’s not healthy."

    Change to 9-1-1 for US consumption, and it's perfect for merchandising.

    And thank you, Adam, for allowing us to peek into the playground that is your subconscious.

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  27. "baGawk! Bok... baGawk!"

    Ring tone!!!

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  28. Again... you made my dreary day turn right side up :D love you guys!!! adam your hilarious.

    I also talk in my sleep, but noone can make sense of what im saying, seems like im talking in a different languauge :( and noone to recorder me...
    le sigh

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  29. ....<3 . <3 . <3 ....

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  30. Oh my. I think ba-GAWK as a ring tone would be ... oh dear. But think how hard you'd be laughing when you answered your phone? Possibly NOT a good idea.

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  31. LOL OH ADAM
    YOU'RE AS FUNNY AS YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE STM
    Call 999. The clucking is unbearable, just had to laugh...Haha

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  32. okay, that was the best reveal ever.
    "minge" sent me to urbandictionary.com. i suspected but... some things, i think i'm better off NOT knowing.
    just listened to the clucking a few more times... any possibility STM was imitating a trumpet rather than a chicken? might be a little less disturbing for Adam if STM was being musical rather than bestial.

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  33. @ Marisa et al - I know the audio didn't come out great, but believe me, in person, it was DEFINITELY a chicken.

    -Karen

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  34. Thank you for the morning conversations and play-by-plays! They are as funny or funnier than the actual sleep-talking!
    You must have misunderstood...BaGaaawwwwkkk!!!!!

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  35. There's another one that would be awesome on a t-shirt; "When your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9! It’s not healthy."

    Might have to offer two different versions, because a lot of these kids in the US won't understand what the 999 reference means. (believe me, I work with a lot of young'ns)

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  36. Oh I love you two! Today's post has to be one of the funniest yet. Bok Bok BaGawkkkkkkkkk...

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  37. I second or third or whatever the request for the 999 comment on a t-shirt, and I'd rather have the 999 version even though I live in the states. That was much the awesome!

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  38. I want "MINGE MUNCHER!" as a ringtone! xD

    Adam, you and Karen are the funniest "accidental" comedy duo since Stiller and Meara, or...hmmm, more recent stuff...McCormack and Messing! (French and Saunders?)

    I LOVE STM! :D

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  39. ! PREMIUM STM + ADAM + KAREN, today !

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  40. Adam, never mind your sleeptalking, I think you are so lucky to have a wife who laughs like that, it's so charming!

    But it all occurs to me that you are also lucky to live in this day and this culture. Until the last couple of hundred years and even in much of the world nowadays, you might be thought of as being possessed by demons.

    Hey, maybe you are! But if I was a sleep scientist I'd be very keen to scan your mind while you were asleep, find out how your subconscious is leaking out through speech in that way.

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  41. Yes, the 999 quote has GOT to be on a shirt, only make one with 911 for us US folks. :D

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  42. hi guys, THANK you for clucking, it helped me feel better after watching V. Williams got kicked out of Wimbledon in straight sets (-sniff-)

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  43. I can't stop thinking about Jack and Hyde when I get to notice the diference between Adam and STM

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  44. Thanks for another hearty laugh.

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  45. I have to say, I personally think that the "I daresay, that could have been embarassing" should make it onto a t-shirt!

    But was it a fluke that Adam was that coherent moments after waking up? Seems to have skipped the "caveman" like daze that conusmes the rest of us.

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  46. When you said "No... No!", you sounded like Judy Garland. :D (But it's probably just because I've been watching a few of her movies lately and I have Judy on the brain...)

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  47. "When your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9. It's not healthy."

    I can just see that one posted up as a PSA on bus stops and the like..... 7@=e

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  48. very funny, and getting funnier, love the talking with you too as much as STM stuff. you guys are so funny, no matter how bad my day is I come here and can laugh, thank you so much!

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  49. Oh wow, the reveal is just excellent. Waking Adam really is funny, too :)

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  50. I read sleep talking man pretty much ever day, and it always gets me in stiches. The conversation

    STM: MINGE MUNCHER!
    ADAM: Ooh… I daresay, that could have been embarrassing. Was it?
    KAREN: (laughing) Do you know what you yelled?
    ADAM: Umm, I’ve got a horrible suspicion it was nothing I could repeat to my mother? (Karen laughs) Oh, fuck. (more laughing) What was it?
    KAREN: Um… Minge muncher?
    ADAM: Hmm… My head hurts. Did I bang it?
    KAREN: No. No.
    ADAM: Mmm. Makes a change.
    KAREN: You also clucked like a chicken. Twice.
    ADAM: Excuse me? I did what?
    KAREN: BaGawk!
    ADAM: You-- You misheard.
    KAREN: BaGawk!
    ADAM: You must have misheard.
    KAREN: Nope. What could I possibly mistake that for?
    ADAM: Having a stroke? Maybe I was having a stroke, I don’t know!
    KAREN: Oh Baby, you were having a stroke and I didn’t do anything!
    ADAM: I was clucking like a chicken, for fuck’s sake! I think that’s the warning sign you should wake me up. I’m sorry, when your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9! It’s not healthy.


    got me in stiches i was crying with laughter. After having a shitty day this really made my day so much better. This is one of the best sites that i look at regularly.

    ps. i sleep giggle alot which makes my other half laugh. I either fall asleep giggling to myself or wake myself up from giggling.

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  51. "It's moving. You can hear it. Ooooh. It's big 'un! It's a big 'un.
    Do you happen to have wooden flooring? The creaks (no offence intended) may be setting STM off.
    If you do, a friend suggested to me that when you fit a wooden floor, rubbing candles along the edges before fitting them together will practically eliminate the squeaks.

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  52. Holy crow how funny!!!! The clucking and conversation up to "It's not healthy" are unbelievably hilarious.

    I also got a huge kick out of his tone in "Take out its knees!" and then "Nooo, won't be doing that again in a hurry." I'm glad I'm not who or whatever was taking those mallet swings!

    And I loved "After I'd crawled back into bed, my husband began channeling his dinner." There are a bunch of merchandise worthy bits in today's lot, but I think that would be my pick. Not technically STM, but can you imagine the looks that t-shirt would get!

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  53. Minge munchers, chickens and floodgates! Oh my!
    btw did a search for minge muncher.... yes, you shouldn't repeat that to your mom if she is up on urban lingo.
    hope you recover from you stroke Adam! lol almost got kicked out of the library for laughing on the reveal. would have been worth it too.
    mike in tennessee

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  54. Ah... this was a good night. I think I enjoy most your interactions after some of his craziness. You're so sweet to each other, but it's all so strange... =)

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  55. My six year-old was talking in her sleep again the other night and said, "It's barking at me. Woof Woof." To which our Jack Russell even sat up and looked at her then at me then back at her, as if to say, "What's with that? I'm the one who barks while sleeping."

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  56. Seconding Samps' nomination for "I daresay, that could have been embarassing" on a t-shirt.
    @Karen... Ah well... had hoped it might give him an out. ;) He sounded so... comically horrified.

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  57. Adam and Karen I had such a horrible day at work and came home eager to see Adam's chatting and was delighted! I laughed for a good ten minutes. My favorite was "Excuse me? I did what?" Loved it. You guys make my day all the time!

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  58. This was the funniest 'after Adam wakes up' conversation I have read on this site. Ever. Oh...it hurts from the laughing.

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  59. I want a shirt that says: when your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9! lol I love the little talks you have with each other when he wakes lol Hearing him realize what he said is to funny

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  60. lol that is funny how you're making a t-shirt from what adam says not what STM says.

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  61. Oh man. I have a cold, and I've spent the last five minutes laughing, coughing, laughing, coughing, and laughing some more. And crying... some of that too. My sides hut. That conversation is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

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  62. Much as "hairy arse grapes" cracks me up... You sure it's not "hairy arse scrapes?" Just sayin' :)

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  63. touche mon ori

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  64. That was absolutely hilarious!

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  65. Te hee this made me laugh :D
    I wish i could talk in me sleep!
    but i do sleep with one eye open. really.
    not quite as interesting :D

    _RinNy <3

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  66. I agree - "When your husband starts clucking like a chicken in bed, call 9-9-9! It’s not healthy." needs to be on a T-shirt or mug.

    On a side note, why was Adam more concerned about his chicken immitation than about "minge muncher?!"

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