Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100923

Sep 23 2010

"Stroke my good luck fish. Feel its greasy smoothness. Yeah, I think it likes you. You can hear him squeak. Weee! Weee! Weeeeeeee! He really likes you. He's a good fish. That'll do, fish. That'll do."

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This next one was suddenly yelled out into the dead-of-night silence:
"HA! Yeah, that's when I just just got up on my horse and got the fuck out of there!"
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"Choose oranges or apples. Oranges or apples. It's not a trick question. Go on, just choose… It's always the oranges with you! What is it? Why the oranges every time?!"
 or click here

In response to me holding in a sneeze:
"Ooh! I think I just saw a head explode. Hmm… Ooh! There goes another."
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And here we are in the morning, discussing the "oranges" dilemma:


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KAREN: You lured them into a false sense of it would be okay whatever they chose, and then you ridiculed them.
ADAM: Why did I offer them a choice if I knew they were going to go for oranges?
KAREN: Why didn't you just give them oranges in the first place, and then they might have had that feeling, like, when you go to a restaurant where you're a regular, and the person just says, "the usual?" You could have made them feel really good by just saying, "here, I know you'd like an orange."
ADAM: Well, I would think it may be good for them to try something different.
KAREN: We get the same two dishes from the chinese restaurant every single time.
ADAM: That's laziness. That's— that's nothing else. It's only because we—
KAREN: That's not true.
ADAM: Okay, how painful is it trying to choose from the menu? When you've found two things you really like, instead of—
KAREN: So this person found that they really like oranges.
ADAM: What happens if they're like this orange freak, okay, that everything in their life is everything about oranges, including the color orange. You know, I just wanted to throw an alternative thing into their life.
KAREN: Okay.
ADAM: I'm looking after their health. I think I'm a guardian to this person.

47 comments:

  1. Alright! Now attend! ordering the same thing from a Chinese Restaurant is not LAZY! It is just not! The reality of Asian cuisine pretty much demands it! ESPECIALLY if you happen to be going to a Japanese restaurant! Make the wrong choice, and you could get something that is still moving!

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  2. @stoney13
    I haven't heard many more ridiculous statements in the past week, let alone the past day. At best it's unadventurous, at worst its laziness.
    As for something still moving, not in any of the numerous Japanese restaurants I've been in have I seen something moving. Although there was this Korean restaurant with fresh lobsters ...

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  3. LOVE the horse one! Hey Karen, do you know if Spreadshirt has a sizing guide? I'd hate to have a shirt sent halfway round the world to find out it's too small. :)

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  4. I do not have a good luck fish, even though I have four aquariums in my house! I once had a good luck Stafordshire Terrier, and now I will tell you a story about him!

    For fifteen years I shared my home with a huge, happy, lovable Stafordshire Terrier named Brutus who adopted cats and skunks. Some of my neighbors who had met Brutus, and knew his temperament, started wild rumors about "The Hairy Wild Man with the hot rod, motorcycle and monstrous killer dog", as a joke. These rumors spread to include my Native American Ancestry, and skill at playing the drums.

    Brutus in the meantime would meet the elderly people who walked by the house and join them on their strolls through the neighborhood, acting as their guard, and enjoying the attention and snacks they brought him. Oddly enough these acts did nothing to assuage the rumors of the "monstrous killer dog"!

    One day I came home late one evening to see a skunk eating out of Brutus' food dish. I quickly, and carefully unlocked the door, and went inside as that I didn't want to make the skunk uneasy. Uneasy skunks tend to make for very unpleasant surroundings! A week later I came home to find Brutus curled up on his favorite rug on the front porch with the skunk curled up next to his head!

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  5. Figuring out that I was going to deal with this skunk, I carefully, and quietly sat down and began scratching Brutus' ears. An hour later the skunk had decided I was no threat had crawled in my lap for a belly rub. Skunks are very friendly, and fearless animals, and as long as you don't startle them, and let them get used to you on their own terms, they warm up pretty quickly! They also eat copperheads, and rattlesnakes which was a BIG plus! She moved in under my garage apartment, and promptly had baby skunks who would come visiting, by climbing out the hole that the pipes for the hot water heater came through. I found this out when I woke up one morning with all five of them in bed with me curled up in my hair! A little ear scratching and some belly rubs won them over, and they did nothing to make my life any more complicated than it already was!

    Brutus fell in love with them, and I would see them curled up with him on the front porch after I came home from work. Everything was wonderful, all God's creatures were happy, and the neighbors had much to discus concerning the "Wild Hairy Man of the Mountain" who charmed skunks with his monstrous killer dog!

    Then we had the escaped convict! Seems one of the honor grade boys at the local prison camp took an unscheduled leave of absence from his work release program. This upset the Sheriff's Department very much and they came out in mass to find him. The little Village of Flat Rock where I lived at the time in the garage apartment behind my Dad's house had five stop signs, and no police at all. When the convict "escaped" we had the entire Henderson County Sheriff's Department crawling around in the shrubbery with assault rifles! They were knocking on doors at three AM to make sure nobody else in Flat Rock got any sleep, since they weren't. And they set up roadblocks with lots of flashing lights, since nobody is on the roads in Flat Rock at 3 AM except possums, and raccoons, and, they don't drive cars!

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  6. Then we had the escaped convict! Seems one of the honor grade boys at the local prison camp took an unscheduled leave of absence from his work release program. This upset the Sheriff's Department very much and they came out in mass to find him. The little Village of Flat Rock where I lived at the time in the garage apartment behind my Dad's house had five stop signs, and no police at all. When the convict "escaped" we had the entire Henderson County Sheriff's Department crawling around in the shrubbery with assault rifles! They were knocking on doors at three AM to make sure nobody else in Flat Rock got any sleep, since they weren't. And they set up roadblocks with lots of flashing lights, since nobody is on the roads in Flat Rock at 3 AM except possums, and raccoons, and, they don't drive cars!

    It was during this exercise in futile excess, that one of the Deputies came scuttling across the yard to beat on my father's door. Dad, who had lived in Flat Rock for many years knew that if he just stayed in bed and was quiet, the Deputy would get bored, and go fuck with somebody else, which is precisely what happened. The Deputy walked across the yard and got within five feet of my front door.

    That was Brutus' cue to come flying across the yard at top speed, hit the Deputy at chest level, lie down on top of him, and lick his face until the flavor got old!

    I was awoken by the Deputy's screams, and screams they were! They were not whoops! Neither were they yelps! They were screams! High-pitched, womanly screams! The kind that debutantes make in cheap movies when they discover the rope they just grabbed is a live snake!

    Brutus, having finished with the unfortunate Deputy jumped up and bounded around the back of the garage. It was then that I saw the Deputy suddenly sit up and proceed backwards in a strange crablike scuttle while I watched from the window and donned pants and boots.

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  7. I accessorized my attire with a Mossberg 500 shotgun, and walked out the front door, to see the deputy backed up against the door of my old '62 Falcon. He was regarding five adolescent skunks sitting patiently in his lap with wide staring eyes, and making small noises in the back of his throat.

    "Don't sweat it man, they're real friendly" I told him, "Just don't make any quick moves, 'cause that makes 'em nervous, and you don't want to make 'em nervous!".

    The Deputy slowly raised his head and stared blankly at me standing there, resplendent in my boots and blue jeans, shotgun in hand. He began making a different sort of small noises in the back of his throat. Brutus came bouncing back around, took a seat beside him, and began licking the side of his head. The wide staring eyes rolled slowly to regard this new intrusion.

    "Don't sweat Brutus, either" I added "He's real friendly too!"

    "Uh, can I help you up?" I asked as the skunks abandoned his lap and bounced playfully on the bulldog.

    "Yea, thanks." he muttered softly, and grabbed the hand I offered him.

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  8. I led him inside, sat him at the table, and poured him a cup of coffee. He stared at the cup of coffee as if he expected it to suddenly grow a set of legs and perform a tap dance.

    It was then that there was knock on the door, and I opened it to three Deputies.

    "Come on in Guys," I told them, " I think this is yours!"

    I led them to my kitchen where the first deputy had spooned creamer in to his coffee, and was slowly sipping it as if he still expected something profound to come out of it.

    "Jackson, what are you doing?" one of the new Deputies asked him.

    "Dog!" moaned Jackson, "Big dog!"

    "Brutus spooked him'" I told the Deputy.

    "Skunks!" Jackson added. "There were skunks! They crawled on me! I saw them!"

    "Yea, they're Brutus' skunks," I explained, "He adopted them when their mother kicked them out the nest. They're real friendly."

    "Your dog has skunks?" the Deputy demanded as he helped Jackson to his feet and led him to the door.

    "Yep. Weird isn't it?" I remarked, "Uh, I think Jackson there could use some rest. He looks kinda addled to me".

    "Yea we could all use some rest! They found the escaped prisoner safe in his bunk!" mumbled one of the new deputies, "The guard didn't check him in when he came in from work release!"

    I didn't feel the least bit guilty when I called in sick later that morning. Gotta love small town life!

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  9. I had to break the story up into bits,to post it, and some of them got posted twice. I really don't know how! I tried to cancel them but I don't know how! sorry about that!

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  10. NZ Melanie: If you click on the product image in the shop, you'll find a tabbed box at the bottom of the product page. One of those tabs says "Sizes", and it has all the measurements!

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  11. we are NOT having skunks. molly has enough "smelly issues" for me to content with thank you. - adam

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  12. Molly smells like roses ALL THE TIME. She is not smelly! It's the inside of your nose that's the problem, that's all. -Karen

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  13. A dog with a family of pet skunks... you working on a book, stoney?

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  14. I don't have a good luck fish either, but a friend of mine has a miracle fish! It jumped out of the tank, lay on the floor for several hours and then was plunked back into the water... after 3 hours of just lying as if dead on the floor of the tank, it started swimming again! And it's swimming still... 4 weeks later!
    Oh, I particularly like the way that Adam has paraphrased a quote from Babe - "That'll do pig, that'll do" <== LOVE!

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  15. I love how he doesn't seem to be upset at all by the exploding heads. It's almost like it's just a curious thing he's just seen. LOL

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  16. i apologise now if i come across as crude, but the only problem with the inside of my nose is that it is reacting to the pungent odour excreted by Molly's anal glands and her general doggy whiffs!!! - adam

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  17. Adam, do you want our doggie daughter to develop a complex!? -Karen

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  18. I am that person. I am obsessed with orange. I started stealing all the orange toys (hot wheels, crayons, etc) before I could even speak. I still surround myself with orange things and am in love with a guy who's last name is Orange.

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  19. Someone has the last name Orange?!

    I was amazed to learn that at my company, not one but TWO people have the last name Goodenough. Fa real. -Karen

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  20. @ stoney 13 - great story... gave me a good laugh. can't really blame the guy for screaming like a girl, though if I had been there I would have been laughing until I cried.
    @ karen - get that baby skunk!!! and buy adam some nose plugs.

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  21. I can laugh at it now, but at the time I had to be at work at 7:00 AM and the deputy arrived at about 3:00 AM. I wasn't the happiest individual in town at the time!

    Karen you would love a skunk, and so would Molly. I don't know if you can import them to Great Britain, but if you can, they can do an operation on them to remove the glands that make the musk.

    Brutus was a big lovable clown, and an excellent ambassador of his breed. I can still see him trotting around the house at dusk with those five young skunks in perfect single file behind him! Everybody in the neighborhood loved him, and he was the best dog I ever knew!

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  22. Thanks for the story Stoney! STM and Adam, Karen and you all make my day! I'm gonna have a great day even though it's a dreary, rainy and cold day in Wisconsin. :)

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  23. Loved the stories, and Leslie I can see there is no hope for the 3 year old living next door. Her life is already all about orange. Even her bedroom is painted orange, hot pink is next favorite color. Her favorite animal is a lamb. Her grandmother found orange flannel fabric with lambs on it - adorable nightgown.

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  24. Stoney, as always you have made me laugh out loud. seriously, you should document these stories "tales of a hairy wild man and his skunk adopting killer dog", or something with a shorter more catchy title.

    and karen... there is of course jason orange from the boy band 'take that'. a very british phenomenon.

    adam

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  25. LOL great story! And great STM.
    The ad on mine says weee Testing Lab, whatever that is. Pee, maybe?

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  26. Stoney13: I about wet myself laughing at your story! xD Where in the country did this all happen??? :)

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  27. Adam,I think I like that tittle better than anything I could ever come up with! Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    Anonymous 17:08, this happened in the Village of Flat Rock in North Carolina.

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  28. for once the comments are funnier than stm. recently a a lion cub and a meerkat became friends real life "lion king". here is the link:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/8008495/Lion-and-meerkat-friendship-echoes-The-Lion-King.html

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  29. Genius. Oh my god this stuff is brilliant.

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  30. Thanks Karen! :)

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  31. Adam, I'll take the apple any day. I absolutely can't stand orange, color or fruit. My husband has a hunter orange chair that we've had since we got married and it's NOT allowed in the house. It's out in the garage because it's UGLY! No offense to anyone who likes orange but I just can't stand the color.

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  32. One day I would like to find my own Adam Lennard and have him sleep talk so that I can have these funny and very interesting conversations in bed the morning after. But I think they broke the mold when he was made, so Karen, you are SO lucky to have him. :)

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  33. its nice to know that adam is protecting us who have a fanaticism about orange and orange colored things... see, now i know who that little voice is that tells me to eat apples because they are healthy even though i'd much rather eat an orange

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  34. STM must be channelling "Babe" in the first quote: http://awurl.com/uf7dp2r2R

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  35. i have to admit, i am an orange person... well, not literally. but i consume crazy amounts of orange juice, i chew orange flavored gum, i have orange flavored tooth paste and even orange mouthwash somewhere. i like the color orange, the flavor orange and the smell of oranges (especially citrus scented household cleaners). i used to be well known for drinking screwdrivers in college as well. (screwdrivers being simply orange juice and vodka for those who aren't familiar with drink mixology.) i may need help... like they kind you pay the nice people in white coats for.

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  36. i havent checked this in a while u talk to him in his sleep now thats hilarious!

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  37. lol thought of a new shameless merch plug for you Karen, there must be a t-shirt with 'Are you an orange freak?' written on it. It just has to be (:D). Much love to you guys as well, you brighten up my days with STM's wonderful comments!

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  38. I would definitely but that shirt!

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  39. Hi There, this is my 1st time to leave a comment here. I love how the way you talk about what STM said so seriously!! And a question, since I am chinese, I really wanna know which 2 chinese dishes you two stick to, haha!

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  40. "a false sense of it would be okay whatever they chose"
    Lol. But I agree, that's so annoying, when someone does that and then gets worked up about what you chose. Speak your mind sooner, then!

    it's just a trick to avoid responsabilities, you know. So if the apple is bad you can't blame them.

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  41. To the first: As an owner of several aquariums, I have never heard a fish make such a noise. And two, did someone recently watch "Babe?"
    To the reveal of the third: Who knew STM was so philanthropic?
    And to the fourth: T-shirt please!

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