Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100102

Jan 1 2010

"Badger tickling: proceed with caution"

"Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for."

"I don't want to die! I love sex. And furry animals."

"Well that's just great. Peanut butter in my crack. Goddamnit."

60 comments:

  1. Sex and furry animals is a bad mix. You need to have some serious talks =P

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  2. I have determined your sleeping husband is an angry police-negotiater who specializes with animals and hates his 'dream' wife.

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  3. Those quotes like, "I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."

    We're pretty sure we know who he's talking to. I wish I could say, but Adam forbids me (can someone file a libel suit for something like that)?. Let's just say that we have a very troublesome person in our life.

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  4. quite an apocolyptic leaning to today's headlines from the subconcious. Is Adam like the myans with his foresight?

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  5. Badgers? You don't need no stinkin' badgers.

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  6. Awesome, vampire penguins ? hilarious.

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  7. Do you have this on video? Generally sleep deprived confessions are not proper sentences.

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  8. Im calling bullshit. There's no way these are real. You're essentially just another liar. Clever idea, however.

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  9. I know a few people that will have full conversations in their sleep, never this funny :)!

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  10. This is really great stuff, don't listen to all the idiots that think it's fake. I had a roommate that used to talk in his sleep, and my brother did as well, so I'll share some of those gems as a show of support:

    ROOMMATE: "NO! Or else... SNAKES!"

    ROOMMATE: (Sits up straight and faces me) "Wait... she DID?"
    ME: (extremely confused, then decided to mess with him) "Wha-? Um, oh, yeah! She totally did, man."
    ROOMMATE: "Well, fuck THAT shit."

    BROTHER: "Don't touch that."

    BROTHER: (wakes up) "So what did you see in those caves?"

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  11. He's just getting better and better!

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  12. I used to talk quite a lot in my sleep. One time, I had told my friend who was staying over, "Take the keys and just go," and when they prodded me about what I meant, I said, "Just take the boat and go!"
    I've also had entire conversations with people in my sleep, both on the phone and in person. Then people get angry with me for not remembering something they told me. -_-;

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  13. Yours is the FIRST Blog-of-Note that we think deserves the title! Fantastic. As a husband of a Sleep-Talking Wife, we sympathize. One of her most notable: "So you get to this room where these midgets are throwing babies at you. So, when you get there, just grab some midgets, grab some babies, and you'll be fine."

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  14. My bf: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
    Me (Woken up sudddenly):"What the f**k!?"
    My bf (Sound asleep): "You can sit on the ground with the other cabbages!"

    The hilarity of the male mind :)

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  15. my sister talks in her sleep and now that we have our own rooms she sleep walks into my room. Once she woke me up asking if i got my smoothie?!?!

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  16. Attempting to imagine any situation in which one might find oneself with an asscrack full of peanut butter sent me over the edge. Tears, trouble breathing, abdominal pain. Wonderful agony.

    Adam, you're a damned genius in your sleep. If you could come up with this caliber of material awake, you could easily be the next Mitch Hedberg.

    Also, don't mind the detractors. I'm a sleep talker, and so is my brother. My wife is angry at herself for not thinking of this idea first. =)

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  17. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amen

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  18. "Well that's just great. peanut butter in my crack. Goddamnit."

    I have visuals of a pissed off man and I don't want to know what crack he's talking about! Ha!!!

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  19. My husband talks in his sleep, but half the time it's in Cantonese. I should really keep a pad of paper by the bed, and have him translate the next day ; )

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  20. I wish i had this gift, this is just plainly amazing. Totally f**king amazing....

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  21. Vampire penguins made me LOL. I had to share the quote on my FB. I credited you, tho. I hope you don't mind!!

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  22. Want to know why the Vampire penguins can not be the t-shirt so funny love the page it has been skyped though-out the office in the UK

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  23. If he's this funny asleep, what's he like awake?

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  24. Oh gosh...Adam is adorably funny! @wifey; never mind the naysayers.... my little brother is a sleeptalker and i distinctly remember him sleeping on the sofa and when prodded to go to bed he announced: 'the tomato was sleeping before it fell'

    Sleep talkers DO make full coherent meaningful, funny sentences.

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  25. I wonder, had he read 'Rotten Little Animals' before this?

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  26. I once peed on a guy sleeping on a sofa while i was asleep. Other people sleeping on the floor around him woke up when he cried out, realising what was going on.

    They tried to stop me but all i could do was shake them off and say "Dude leave me alone i'm trying to take a piss here"

    Strange part was i remember the dream i was having, and for some reason i thought it would be fine to pee on the sofa provided i aimed between the cushions???

    The mind boggles

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  27. My girlfriend picked up my friends shoes on NYE, declared there was no distinct smell, and that she was going to the black room.

    She often does it when she falls asleep after a few drinks.

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  28. This is hilarious! My mum does this, my dad could tell you some very amusing tales of her nocturnal shenanigans! She would sit bolt upright in bed, as if she was awake and declare all sorts of amusing nonsense, and issue orders and make comments on the world in her own amusing way! She would also sleepwalk around the house,and often make an appearance in me and my brother and sister's bedrooms and make strange announcements. Alarming, but once you get used to it, it's just funny. She doesn't remember a thing in the morning and is convinced we are all having an elaborate joke at her expense and making it up. Sadly for her, we're not! If only we had thought to record her..damn! Keep up the good work, STM and wifey! xxx

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  29. My roommate in college was a sleep talker and walker. We'd have perfectly intelligent conversations about the most odd things, then I'd realize she wasn't really awake. It was a bit scary. My husband is a sleep talker as well and says perfectly intelligent, however bizzare, things in his sleep. To you nay-sayers... get lost, go spread your crap somewhere else!

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  30. My fiance and I live on a canal, so we hear a lot of fish jumping, people with canoes, kayaks, boats, and so on. We also get a lot of ducks, which I love to feed.

    One night he was reading in bed while I was asleep. Apparently the fish were jumping quite a lot, and the splashing must have disturbed me. I announced to my fiance that the ducks were paddling boats. He was in stitches, and I don't remember a thing!

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  31. i think this is all made up... come on..

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  32. omg, wether it is made up or not it's hilarious, made me laugh so hard outloud and had tears my eyes! thanks for the laughs!

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  33. i nearly died laughing when i read the penguins one
    just - wow

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  34. To the people that don't believe that this is possible, my boyfriend and I both apparently talk in our sleeps. I talk in my sleep almost every night apparently. One sentence was "Nail polish and hurricanes." Which makes absolutely no sense at all, and I could never remember what my dream had to do with nailpolish or hurricanes. My boyfriend a few months ago said this gem:

    ME- "Babe are you all the way to the side?" (asking him if he had enough room on his side of the bed)
    HIM- "(in yelling voice) I GAVE YOU 6 INCHES TO DEAL WITH THE CRAZY PLANT LADY!"

    That quote is in my messy writing on our bulletin board because I furiously wrote it down right after he said it, so I would never forget it.

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  35. Had I not seen (and heard) this on ABC (US) News on 21 Jan 2010, I might not have believed it all. Some, but not all.

    My best friend did (and still does, as confirmed by his wife) talk in his sleep. He used to move in his sleep, too. Karen, ignore the naysayers.

    And for those Americanisms... previous comments by Adam's friends allude to him living in New York. Having an American bride and being exposed to American shows at least in passing: it sinks in.

    Karen (and Adam), thank you! Hilarious stuff!

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  36. Vampire penguins...is my favorite; I started choking from laughing so hard! Needs to be on a T-shirt or pin.

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  37. ok "Thats Just Great, Peanut Butter In My Crack"
    i fell out of the chair lmao, omg what a riot

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  38. Ya know, there is band called Worm Quartet who do a song called Vampire Penguins. I wonder if he's heard it.

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  39. Omg I am a lover of random shit. I friend became a fan and out of curiosity I looked. Your husband seems like an asshole in his sleep which makes it even funnier. Keep posting you brightened my day!!!!!

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  40. i just found this and have been reading it straight through. the vampire penguin one is my absolute favourite so far and i want it on a tshirt! i am sharing the agony i am in by sending the link to this to all my friends. they hate me when they are laughing so hard they have tears running down their cheeks. it makes me happy. heh.

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  41. This was just too funny!..Makes me wonder about all my own dreams that I don't remember..lol

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  42. "vampire penguins" will live in my mind forever...

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  43. to the person who called bs i disagree my husband has said some funny things in his sleep nothing this funny and would talk about work and i understood everyword

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  44. I dont know if its real or not, but its absolutly possible. My mom and I both do it. Once when I was a kid my mom woke the whole house because she was growling. When asked she told us to "be quiet so she could scare off the monkey eaters" priceless stuff.

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  45. your husband just wants sex its as simple as that :)

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  46. You must believe!!! I do it, and I hate it when I wake up in the middle of a sentence and my kids are standing over me laughing and I can't figure out why. Once I woke up the whole house by laughing in my sleep. I woke up laughing, tears running down my face, still laughing, hurting from it, my kids all laughing at me, it took hours for us all to go back to sleep. Still have no idea why I was laughing.

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  47. Oh, the "peanut butter in the crack"....everytime I read it, I laugh - and I've read it like 6 times..

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  48. Ketten Rak, as if this wasn't funny enough on its own, your comment: "Attempting to imagine any situation in which one might find oneself with an asscrack full of peanut butter sent me over the edge. Tears, trouble breathing, abdominal pain. Wonderful agony." made me laugh even harder, if that's even possible. I'm imagining a whole line of these sayings now -- on wall plaques, bumper stickers, throw pillows...

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  49. "That's just great. Peanut butter in my crack." For some reason, that one hit me and I started laughing so hard, tears were flowing from my eyes. In fact, when I was going to bed, I flashed back on it and started laughing out loud for no apparent reason. Husband thought I was nuts when he asked me what was funny and I said "Peanut butter in my crack."

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  50. "Well that's just great. Peanut butter in my crack. Goddamnit." This made me laugh so hard, I nearly peed myself. Keep posting Adam's sleep talking. It's so wonderfully amusing!

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  51. ROTFLMAO I haven't laughed this hard in years. ROTFL The "Goddamnit" just makes the line hilarious.

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  52. http://failblog.org/2010/01/27/elephant-win/

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  53. I've only just found you guys, and I'm loving this! I haven't laughed so much in ages - thank you for posting all these.

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