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Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Sep 28 2012

"Look, let's face it, sex with you is one of those win-win situations. Just without the wins... and with a whole heap of self-loathing."

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Sep 26 2012

"Where's my box of eyebrows? Where's my box of eyebrows?! I need to look surprised, and all I've got is concerned..."

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I could not possibly be more delighted by the notion of keeping a box of eyebrows around for different expressions.

Now, I've mentioned in the past that Adam also has a bizarre way of waking up. He often snaps directly from a deep sleep to fully awake and aware, generally with some sort of completely sensible and relevant declaration.

On the morning in question, I was lying next to him, awake, but resting with my eyes closed, when he suddenly awoke with a declaration of his need to urinate. I'll admit that, in the following conversation, I may have exaggerated in accusing him of "shouting." In my defense, though, you'll have to believe that it was a lot louder than the recorder, which was buried under the covers, picked up.

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ADAM: (suddenly snaps awake) Must pee. (gets up and pads to the bathroom)
KAREN: How did you know I was awake, and you weren't necessarily waking me up by suddenly shouting "must pee?"
ADAM: The "must pee" was for my benefit, to motivate me into getting out of bed.
KAREN: I know, but how did you know I wasn't dead asleep?
ADAM: I saw your light come on.
KAREN: When?
ADAM: Just now.
KAREN: Yeah, just this second, AFTER you shouted and were already in the bathroom.
ADAM: Oh. I don't know.... Were you awake?
ADAM: Well that's alright then.
KAREN: But...
ADAM: Did I wake you?
ADAM: So, what's your problem?


Sep 24 2012

"We've got three mushrooms of love. They're for the ginger midget that lives under the stairs. We must give it to him before 6:30, though."

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I wonder if this is the midget from the wardrobe, or if STM has simply been gradually assembling a retinue of midgets.
"Cold meat. Coooold meat. Ugh, so much. Yeah, frame that one. That'll look good in the living room. Mmm-hmm, cold meat."
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Sep 21 2012

"I'm going to vote for the Secret Private Robot Party. Simple: Robots rule, mother-fucker."

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Sep 19 2012

"I'm a magical FUCKING PRINCESS! That's why I sit side-saddle, DICKHEADS! (under breath) Ignorant bastards."

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And then poor Adam woke up so unpleasantly:

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KAREN: (groan)
ADAM: Oh, Baby, I'm so sorry.
KAREN: That's ok, I was awake.
ADAM: Oh god, I was like a foghorn.
KAREN: Really?
ADAM: Sounded like it. Sounded like me going, "AH-HAAAAAAAAA," or something like that. It was horrible.
KAREN: It was not nearly so interesting in reality. It was just a "AH!"
KAREN: But I'm glad it was better for you.
ADAM: No, it wasn't! I felt like I was in a deep sleep and it pulled me right out of it.
KAREN: Oh. Did you see something?
ADAM: I wasn't dreaming. No, it was a feeling, I just felt I've been, like, sucked up through gloopiness into awakeness, and I want to go back to gloopy.
KAREN: Aww, go be gloopy.
ADAM: No, not be gloopy, be IN gloopy. It's like a soft, like, custardy kind of envelopment which I want back.
KAREN: Go ahead. Gloopy is waiting for you.


Sep 17 2012

"Don't— don't leave! No!... Not until you've tidied up the fucking place. Then you can leave."

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"Ooh! There goes one. wshhoooooo. There's another one. Will you stop throwing houses! Oh, there's another. wshhoooo. Oh, all those broken toilets, and shattered dreams... Shattered dreams."
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Sep 14 2012

"Every time I look at you, my rectum wants to vomit up my eyeballs."

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Sep 12 2012

"Seriously, there's eggs EVERYWHERE! Somebody call the chicken-whisperer."

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And the reveal!

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KAREN: You said, "There's eggs everywhere! Someone call the chicken-whisperer!"
ADAM: Has the chicken got separation anxiety issues? So every time you go away, it's just so nervous it lays eggs everywhere.
KAREN: But you'd think that would be useful.
ADAM: It stresses out the chicken, though. You know, you don't want to lie down in your bed and there's, under your duvet, or there's one right behind the front door, so it breaks and smears all over the carpet. No, you don't want that.
KAREN: The chicken just wants attention.
ADAM: But it's getting the wrong kind of attention now. It's getting negative attention. And that's a vicious circle.
KAREN: Poor chicken.
ADAM: I know.


Sep 10 2012

"Life lesson number 42: NEVER presume unicorns can ride bikes."

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"Teddy bears and razor blades: Baby Emo's birthday."
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Sep 7 2012

"Today, I will be mostly acting like a wanker. Just so you know."

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Thanks for the heads up.


Sep 5 2012

"Hey! I've told you before: I like my bananas al dente! Get it right."

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And here is the ensuing conversation, in which Adam tries to get all philosophical on us.

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ADAM: [I think that's a] direct jab at you: "I like my bananas yellow, I don't like any brown spots on them..."
KAREN: ... and I don't like any green.
ADAM: Yeah, I think that's STM's way of having a go back at you.
KAREN: Well, it's true, though. Bananas—
ADAM: Don't try and justify it. Just accept that fact that STM thinks you're a little bit crazy when it comes to your banana loving.
KAREN: Anyone will tell you that the perfect banana has lost all its green, and hasn't yet started to turn brown.
ADAM: Actually, quite a few people prefer it with a few little speckled brown spots.
KAREN: I can't help it that some people have bad taste.
ADAM: Just say: "I like my bananas a little bit less ripe—"
KAREN: I don't like them "less ripe." I like them exactly perfectly ripe!
ADAM: But that's not exactly perfectly ripe.
KAREN: Losing all green is ripe. Anything beyond that is rotten.
ADAM: One little freckle of a brown spot—
KAREN: That's heading for rot.
ADAM: Let's face it, darling, the minute we're born we're all heading for rot.


Sep 3 2012

"You know what they say: Cometh the hour, cometh the awethomeneth."

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Love that lisp!

This utterance caused me to research from whence cometh the phrase "Cometh the hour, cometh the man." It actually originated during a game of cricket! Oh, those witty bowlers.