Dec 30 2011

"No, you're NOT going out like that. Your feathers all ruffled and beak covered in that nasty lipstick, and that excuse for a skirt. You look like one of those street-corner dirty chickens. Go back upstairs and put something decent on. You live under my coop, you behave and you dress like a good chicken! This is hard-boiled love, you know."

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I guess that makes STM a cock.

And to support that theory, here is how he woke Adam up:

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STM:	(suddenly slaps Adam in the face)
ADAM:	Ow!
KAREN:	Baby? What was that?
ADAM:	I think I was attacked.
KAREN:	By what?
ADAM:	A rogue hand. It's not even having an attempt to try and hide. It's still there, on my face. I know exactly who did it. This isn't the kind of thing Miss Marple's needed for, this isn't Murder She Wrote, my hand is STILL ON MY FACE. I do have an itch, funny enough, but unfortunately it's not in the place where I've smacked myself in the head, so I need answers. But it's not talking. I don't think I'll ever ever understand why my hand hates my face so much! WHY?! What have I done to you??!

Dec 29 2011

"I'm not just id, ego, superego. I'm id, ego, super-mega-fucking-awesome-ego!"

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Good to hear that STM's sense of self-worth is still healthy and thriving!

"Tick, fucking tock, fucking tick, fucking tock, fucking boing. Fucking alarm clock. Bollocks."

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I think we've all felt this way on one of those early mornings.

Dec 28 2011

"Today is my gift to you. Today, I will not kill you and feed you to my children. Today, I'll let you frolic in the woods, picking daisies. Today, I'll let you count the stars and watch sunsets. Tomorrow, YOU'RE ON A SKEWER. Num num num num num num num num num num num num. Num num num num num. Num num num..."

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"This ginger ninja's gonna stick you with his syringa. Yeah."

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Dec 27 2011

"Well, don't YOU look like the icing on a fuck cake."

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And that lovely compliment was followed by one of Adam's delightful dead-of-night awakenings:

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STM:	Gusset FUCK!
ADAM:	I said nothing, and we're not discussing it.
KAREN:	(sluring sleepily) What was the first part?
ADAM:	Goodnight.
KAREN:	'Kay.
ADAM:	I didn't say anything.
KAREN:	'Kay.
ADAM:	I know I didn't.
KAREN:	'Kay.
ADAM:	Don't put words in my mouth. Love you.
KAREN:	Uh huv ooo.... I have to peeeeee.
ADAM:	I'll get a wee-wee pad on the bed for you.
KAREN:	That would be good.
ADAM:	Not for me it wouldn't. And not for our marriage, actually.

Dec 26 2011

"Six packs of nails and four ears... What am I going to do with the nails?! The ears I like. Oh yeah. Ears are always handy."

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I guess STM got to open presents last night, too. Lucky him, I wish I'd gotten some new ears!

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KAREN:	Do you think what I think, that it's gifts you're getting?
ADAM:	I suppose.
KAREN:	You must mean nails like (waggles fingers)
ADAM:	Not really.
KAREN:	Well, no, I was thinking of it as nails as in hardware. But since you're also getting EARS...
ADAM:	Don't you need the nails to hammer in the ears, to keep them on?
KAREN:	Hmm.
ADAM:	How else would you be attaching the ears. Or are they rubber ears? Why would you have real ears?
KAREN:	Well, they're always handy.
ADAM:	Fingers. They'll be handy.
KAREN:	(giggles)
ADAM:	Don't laugh at me.

Dec 23 2011

"Hey, boobs! Stop staring at my face!"

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If any of you guys out there feel that you simply must sport this stamped across your chest, check out the shirt shops later today!

Dec 22 2011

"Graphic novels: They're just comics that grew up, flipped you the bird, and waved a hairy nut-sac in your face."

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I'll never look at Maus the same way again.

"Your pants, my kind of romance."

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Dec 21 2011

"Hey! This is MY playground. These are MY swings. That's MY climbing pyramid. And that's MY springy elephant! THAT'S MY SPRINGY ELEPHANT! You crusty knob-end. Bog off! Leave this playground to the king of playtime! ... Mmmm, they're all mine.... I need a push. (whining pathetically) I can't swing without a push. PUSH ME! Where is everyone? Bastards. (muttering bitterly) This is MY playground."

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STM is his own worst enemy.

Dec 20 2011

"You like chest hair? Oh, I've got chest hair. I'm a fucking walking love rug. Yeah."

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That's true, actually. Adam is, in fact, a walking love rug.

"Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhannukah, suckers! Yeahhhhhh."

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Thanks for reminding me, STM!

Dec 19 2011

"Oh shit. There's a ton of shit coming in, and you're sitting there, doing the same old shit, not giving a shit. Get off your fucking ass, and get on with the shit that's coming in, otherwise we're going to be up to our necks in this shit. Shit. You're such a shit."

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"In conclusion, we can see that you're an ugly cunt stain that needs to be permanently removed from my life. Okay?"

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It's unfortunate that STM kept the full supporting argument to himself. We need evidence!

Dec 16 2011

"Oi! Oi! Stay out of my poop, Magneto. You've been warned."

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And the reveal...

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ADAM:	Magneto's from the X-Men. Why am I telling an X-man to stay out of my poop?
KAREN:	I don't know. Well, what's his power?
ADAM:	He can do all things.
KAREN:	He can do all things?
ADAM:	He can do everything.
KAREN:	Why, is he the bad guy?
ADAM:	Yeah.
KAREN:	Oh..... Well, what's he gonna do with your poop?
ADAM:	The only reason Magneto would want to have anything to do with STM's poop is because STM's poop contains the ultimate super-power, having come from the utimate being. In STM's mind, obviously.
KAREN:	I now consider this quote explained.
ADAM:	Do you accept my hypothesis, or do you reject it?
KAREN:	I accept it.
ADAM:	Awesome.

Dec 15 2011

"Lentil hotpot, otherwise knows as... ass custard."

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As all long-time readers know, both STM and Adam detest lentils.

"Hey! Making fun of penguins is the law!"

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Dec 14 2011

"Pith helmet, check. Baby wipes, check. Small box, check. Let's go midget smuggling! YAY!"

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And Adam's thoughtful analysis:

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KAREN:	So... Where do the baby wipes fit in?
ADAM:	Okay: pith helmet makes sense; small box, yeah I can see why; baby wipes... maybe to keep them clean and fresh for when he delivers them on the other side, no? You know, if he's underground with his pit helment, he doesn't want to get his midgets dirty. He wants to deliver nice clean midgets.
KAREN:	Makes sense.
ADAM:	I only try to make sense of what goes on in my head.

Dec 13 2011

"You're exactly the type of person I'd throw a cake at. Swiftly followed by a brick. And then an elk."

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"Your head's so shiny. So freakishly shiny. It's too bright! Only go out at night with a head so shiny."

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Dec 12 2011

"This little tampon went out, this little tampon stayed home. This little tampon had an applicator, this little tampon had none. This little tampon's covered in... poop. WRONG HOLE, PEOPLE! Wrong hole."

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Wow. This one definitely deserves a post all to itself.

Dec 9 2011

"It's okay. I'm just gonna use my hands as hats for your boobies."

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Oh, thanks for that.

And here is how Adam woke himself up. Note: In the US, fanny is mild slang for ass. In the UK, fanny is mild slang for vagina.

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STM:	Fanny. Fanny fanny... FANNY BATTER!!
KAREN:	... What did you say?
ADAM:	Something "batter".
KAREN:	Oh, in that case, yeah, I know, that's what I thought.
ADAM:	I feel like I ripped out my throat doing that.
KAREN:	You said "fanny batter."
ADAM:	The UK version of "fanny"?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Okay. I do apologise. My mouth, but not my words.

Dec 8 2011

"There's so much bread! Gluten everywhere! Oh, the challah, the challah."

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If you've never seen Apocalypse Now, that one's probably lost on you. And for those not in the Jewish know, challah is a scrumptious super-eggy braided bread.

"Two window licks and a rubber brick, please. Yeah, spring cleaning's a chore."

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About this one, there's nothing I can say. Neither Adam nor I have any explanation that will give it more sense.

Dec 7 2011

"There's nothing more depraved than watching muppet porn. Too fuzzy!"

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Adam said that one while I was away in the States for Thanksgiving. It came out the night that my family went out to see the new Muppet movie. It was AMAZING, and I can confirm (spoiler alert) that there was no muppet porn.

"A long long time ago, right up until the minute you were born, everybody was happier."

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Dec 6 2011

"The only way you could be described as having an open mind is if I shove my fist through your fucking face."

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I think we all know someone like that.

And here is how Adam was awakened, being attacked by some lovely bubbles floating by.

"Bubbles of joy... Bubbles of joy... Floating bubbles of joy... AAARRRGGHHH!!"

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STM:	Bubbles of joy... Bubbles of joy... Oh, floating bubbles of joy... AAARRRGGHHH!!
KAREN:	Do you know— Do you know what happened? I mean... what... happened?
ADAM:	I was shouting.
KAREN:	No, I mean, you were saying, "bubbles of joy..."
ADAM:	Yes?
KAREN:	Did the bubble pop or something?
ADAM:	Why? Because I shouted?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Hmmm... I don't know. Anything is possible. Like going back to sleep. That's extremely possible right now.
KAREN:	Mmmm-hmm.
ADAM:	I love you.
KAREN:	I love you.
ADAM:	I love sleep more though.
KAREN:	Yeah.

Dec 5 2011

"Quick! Everybody lock your doors! Squirrelantula is on the loose again! And this time he means business. GET THE GIANT BROOM!"

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Lord, does that ever call for a cartoon!

"Mmmmm, meringue. Meringue-a-dang-a-ding-dong! Mmmm, yumness...."

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"...chop chop chop chop chop chopop chop chop... Cock-a-doodle wank job!"

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Dec 2 2011

"This is not a castle without badgers. BRING ME MY GYRATING BADGERS!"

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So we're back on the badgers, are we?

Dec 1 2011

"Don't panic! I'm allowed to shit myself. What's your obsession with smelling it? Put me down! Put me down!"

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Perhaps that was STM channeling the sentiments of every baby in the world.

"Put the turkey baster down! You sick puppy."

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Nov 30 2011

"I'm collecting midgets. I just nabbed this one from France. It'll never be my favourite, though."

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"Yes madam, mm-hmm. I've come for the menstruation. Mmm-hhm, yup. Bucket out the back. Thank you."

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Ugh. What can I possibly say about this?

Nov 29 2011

Sorry we lost a couple of days there, guys. I was flying back from the States Sunday, and our internet went down yesterday. But now I'm back at home with my sleep talkin' man, and we're back on track!

"Kiss you? I'd rather use my mouth to plug the hole that's left when someone's asshole falls out."

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"You're not responsible for my sexy thoughts. My thoughts, my sexy."

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And our thoughtful analysis...

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KAREN:	Do you think perhaps what STM is saying is that he himself is responsible for his sexy thoughts? His thoughts are about himself?
ADAM:	So, thoughts that he finds sexy are about himself?
KAREN:	That's what I'm wondering.
ADAM:	Oh... God this guy's a dick. Can you imagine, he's standing there in front of a mirror, with you on the bed behind him, and he's just standing there going, "you're not responsible for my sexy thoughts."
KAREN:	He's definitely telling the person "my sexy thoughts aren't about you." But is he saying that they're about himself?
ADAM:	I get the impression that they have to be, because nobody can make him feel sexy apart from himself.
KAREN:	He set the bar so high with himself—
ADAM:	— with himself, no one's gonna get close to make him feel sexy in the slightest.
KAREN:	You've— First of all, you've put a lot of words in Sleep Talkin' Man's mouth. He never said, "I can't possibly find anyone sexy but me." He's just saying to a particular person, "You're not the one I'm having sexy thoughts about."
ADAM:	Yeah, MY thoughts—
KAREN:	I think you're taking it—
ADAM:	— MY sexy. He's— It's all about him. When it comes to relationships, he may find things a bit tricky because he's gonna judge everybody on his own level. And that's a very very very high pedestal he's sitting on. You know, he may sit on a high pedestal, I'm sitting on a kindergarten chair.
KAREN:	I think you deserve to at least be on a high stool.
ADAM:	At least you didn't say high chair... Step ladder? No? Okay.... Tree house?

Nov 26 2011

"No, you cannot substitute a chicken for a guide dog. Have you seen a chicken cross the road?!"

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"Don't wash the cat with the cheese! Heed my warnings, stay safe. Leave the cheese for the porcupine."

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Nov 24 2011

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY FELLOW AMERICANS!

Here is how STM decided to kick off the holiday season:

"You're as wanted as a paperclip. A sad, lonely, broken paperclip. And not one of those fancy colored ones, either."

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Aw. What a depressing sentiment for this festive day. I also found another set of wacky sound effects:

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And finally,

"I perspire with love. Smell my lust!"

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Nov 23 2011

"Stop! Just stop... breathing. Yeah, that'll be good."

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"I like to lick socks. But only after dinner. Mmmmm, warm socks."

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__________

Merch reminder: Hey guys! Tomorrow is the last day for those promos in the shirt shops! Details in the right column, link to shops in the left column.

Nov 22 2011

"Stop that! Never use a jellyfish for a shower cap. The tentacles are all soapy!"

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"That's right. TGIF, mother-fucker: thank god I'm fabulous."

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Nov 21 2011

"If at first you don't find love... google harder!"

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I'm in the States for Thanksgiving, so Adam is on his own hitting the record button and then sending the file along to me in the morning. It's always a delightful surprise for me to search through the recording and see what little gems STM left for me.

Nov 19 2011

"The great nature/nurture debate: Did we learn to hate you, or were we all born with that gift?"

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"This is my friend Lumpy. Lumpy, say hello. I'm sorry, Lumpy's shy. Lumpy, say hello! (sigh) He's a bit crap. Come on, Lumpy, we can go to the sweet shop."

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__________

Merch News: Two MORE promos from the shirt shop! Here they are:


(this free shipping one might only be for the US shop, I'm trying to find out)

Nov 17 2011

"Ladies and gentlemen, grab your partners! Time to dance like you're my washing machine. Can you spin it? Yes you can. Let's take it down! I'm talkin' 40 degrees."

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And this is how STM woke Adam up:

"COCK SOUP!"

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Nov 16 2011

"I'm so magic, I puke rainbows and shit pixie dust."

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"Tsk tsk tsk. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. Thirty-seven dangleberries, and not one dingle enough. What the fuck's it coming to these days? Fuck it. Dangleberries it is."

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And the ensuing conversation in the morning...

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ADAM:	Dangleberry?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	You know they're not berries.
KAREN:	Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thanks.
ADAM:	And you know what the clinical term for dangleberry is?
KAREN:	Yeah?
ADAM:	Bum grapes.
KAREN:	I've never heard that term.
ADAM:	Yeah. Bum grapes... Anusol!
KAREN:	The medicine?
ADAM:	It's the worst-named medicine in the world if you have to go to the pharmacist.
KAREN:	"I'd like some ANUSOL please?"
ADAM:	Everybody knows exactly what's wrong with you.
KAREN:	Even if they've never heard of the medicine, they now know.
ADAM:	The thing is, you can pick it up from the shelf in the supermarket, go to the cashier, "Can somebody give me a price on the Anusol please!?" Everybody in the supermarket knows, you've got bum grapes. Oh dear.

Nov 15 2011

"The world will rue the day that I gave Superman explosive diarrhea! (evil chuckle)"

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"The pear and the parsnip had a race. To be honest, I couldn't give a toss who won, I was just fascinated to watch. Look at those little legs. Run parsnip, run!"

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STM's being a bit disingenuous here. He is clearly rooting for the parsnip.

Nov 14 2011

"I have feelings for you... The kind of feelings that hide under the bed and scare the living shit out of you."

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"Put the croissant down. Your fancy pastry ways aren't welcome here."

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Nov 11 2011

"Your family, or a zombie horde. Choose carefully."

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"Hey! Stop shouting at the starfish. It's not its fault it can't grow chilies. Leave him alone. Tell you what, you should check out his aubergines. Mighty impressive!"

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Nov 10 2011

"I swear, your vagina needs a use-by date. Stinky snatch."

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Adam wants me to tell you all that he has never used the word "snatch" to reference female genitalia in his (waking) life.

"Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada ba— BING! Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada ba— BING! I hate those bings. They stop my rhythm. Bastards!"

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And then, poor Adam had another one of those unpleasant awakenings care of STM:

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STM:	(holds arm up in air, makes fist, and brings it down on Adam's head wth a dull thunk.)
ADAM:	(gasps awake, then stares at hand for a long moment).
KAREN:	Baby!
ADAM:	WHAT? What?
KAREN:	You just clonked yourself on the forehead with your fist!
ADAM:	That was crap of me, wasn't it?
KAREN:	You went like this (demonstrates, eliciting a similar thunk). That's what you did! Why did you do that?
ADAM:	I don— I— Well— Considering the fact that I don't know I did that—
KAREN:	What did you think woke you up?
ADAM:	Well, I knew I got clonked on the head, and then, noticing my hand ON my head, I realized it was me. But I needed to determine whether I was in full control of my arm, hence me staring at my hand for a while. And once I realized I WAS in full control of my arm I kind of gathered that I must have clonked myself in the head and I was left with just a great sense of shame and embarrassment.
KAREN:	Oh, baby.
ADAM:	It's okay. I live with it every day. And then you share it with the world every day.
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Thank you, darling, I love you. Spread the shame, spread the shame.

Nov 9 2011

"There's pudding in the sock drawer, and waffles galore, so make yourself at home. No, I said the sock drawer, damnit, the sock— ohhhh. There's tapioca everywhere."

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"I didn't have an accident. It was a physical miscommunication. Now wash my pants, bitch!"

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And the dramatic awakening:

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STM:	(a few satisfied little hums, and then) NIPPLES!
ADAM:	Oh, I woke you up.
KAREN:	No, I'm awake.
ADAM:	Oh, well, congratulations for now being shouted at as well.
KAREN:	(giggles)
ADAM:	You must go to sleep, otherwise I can't shout at you again.

Nov 8 2011

"'Unique' and 'special' are the two words I'd use to describe you. That is, if I'm not allowed to use 'cunt' and 'bag'."

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Nov 7 2011

"Here's what we do: We wrestle back control from the pirate gerbils, and the seas will be ours! That's right, you nasty little sea fluffies… Shit, they're stashing the treasure in their cheeks! Come on! Time for some plundering!"

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"Smashed it? Of course I smashed it. I'm a serial soul-smashing mother-fucker. Smashed it, what a knob."

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Sounds like STM is getting a bit sick of Tulisa. And for those who don't spend their weekend nights glued to the TV watching the X Factor (UK version), one of the judges annoyingly graces every single good performance with the phrase "you smashed it!"

__________

Merch news: We've got our own exclusive promo in the shirt shops! For the next week, shipping is FREE, if you order two items or more. During checkout, enter the code STMPROMO (unless you're in Canada, in which case it's STMPROMOCAN).

Nov 6 2011

"I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me. We're just in different places. I'm here, and you're... polluting my fucking life like some oily anal discharge."

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Way to let her down easy, STM.

Added later: Our favorite comment? "While that was quite an awful way to dump someone, my friend still holds the record, in my opinion. She told her boyfriend at the time 'Welcome to Dumpsville, baby. Population: YOU.'"

Nov 5 2011

"Oh great. Who's idea was it to theme this party 'sloth sanctuary'? It's gonna be the slowest evening ever. Jesus! (then in slo-mo) Jeeeeeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuuuuusssssss."

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That one is not as random as it sounds. Every year, Adam and I volunteer at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. We've just decided that this year, we'll work with sloths in Costa Rica. I'm sure there will be some truly rockin' parties.

"Froggie!! I miss you. Where have been Froggie? Ohhhh, fancy. What've you got in your bag? Why are you collecting tourists? Put 'em back, Froggie, and tell me about your trip."

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And then we have Adam's unfortunate awakening, and our conversation about that last one:

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ADAM:	(punches headboard) OW! Oh.
KAREN:	Oh, Baby, what did you just hit?
ADAM:	Oh! Hand.
KAREN:	Oh my god. But you were just having such a nice conversation. With the froggie.
ADAM:	Really?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	What language was I speaking?
KAREN:	... No I think it was an actual froggie.
ADAM:	Oh, okay, not French, then.
KAREN:	No. I think it was a froggie. (giggle)
ADAM:	You just like the word.
KAREN:	Um, what did you say... "Oh, froggie, I've missed you! Where have you been? What's in your bag? Stop collecting tourists, and tell me about your trip."
ADAM:	Wow. Is he a big frog, do you think?
KAREN:	Well, if he had a big enough bag that he could collect tourists...
ADAM:	I wonder how he collects them. Do you think he uses his big sticky tongue to grab them off the street? You're standing there, taking pictures of Big Ben, and all of the sudden: (sound effect)
KAREN:	Well, what does he do with them?
ADAM:	His tourist collection. "I have tourists from all over the world. Here we have Japan, Australia. Don't have any from Kahzakstan, though. Or Outer Mongolia. My prize is this man from Belize."

Nov 4 2011

"I can do it. I can! I can do it. Oh...Oh... I can't. I can't do it. I can't! I can't, and it's all your fault. It's all your fucking fault, you gangrenous dollop of menstrual discharge. Fuck off!"

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Ugh. Another lovely image, care of STM.

"FYI: I vibrate when I see cats and apples. Never take me to the kitty orchard. It'll get messy."

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We really tried to figure out the reference here, folks, and came up empty.

Nov 3 2011

"I'm sorry, but not knowing what a horcrux is is a deal-breaker to me. Deal with it, muggle-fucker."

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I'm so glad that that Harry Potter movie marathon we had this summer paid off.

I've just got to get "Deal with it, muggle-fucker" onto merch. It'll be in the shops later today.

Nov 2 2011

"It's a turd. I wrapped it, and put a ribbon on it, and I'm giving it to you. See? I give a shit."

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Last night was the first time this season that the heater kicked on overnight. STM decided to harmonize along with it:

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And then, the dramatic awakening:

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Nov 1 2011

"The fruit flies have escaped! Hide your plums! Satsumas flee! FLEE! Oh, this is gonna be total fruitocide. Fuck you, avocado, you're on your own."

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I should mention here that Adam is allergic to avocado and that, to hide his sorrow, he pretends that avocado are undesirable.

This next one came out as I was peeing in our en suite bathroom

"Disco diva! Dancing on toilet again!"

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Oct 31 2011

"Stupid vodka-shooting cat!"

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"I hate bubbles. Oh sure they're nice and pretty to begin with. But then the rainbow colors just go POP! Instant downer. Mother fucking bubbles."

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And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.

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ADAM:	What are you doing so awake?
KAREN:	Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap.
ADAM:	Battery mishap.
KAREN:	You woke me up making little noises—
ADAM:	Little noises!
KAREN:	And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries—
ADAM:	You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed?
KAREN:	Oh yeah.
ADAM:	Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed?
KAREN:	I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing?
ADAM:	You can see!
KAREN:	But you know the crazy thing—
ADAM:	I cured you!
KAREN:	You waited for me.
ADAM:	Piss off.
KAREN:	Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking.
ADAM:	And did you do your hummy thing?
KAREN:	... A little.
ADAM:	Young lady!
KAREN:	But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around.
ADAM:	I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk.
KAREN:	But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it?
ADAM:	I know what it was!
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	Go to sleep.

Oct 28 2011

"Thank you for dinner. Now if I ever say that something tastes like the anal evacuation of the recently deceased, I'll have a frame of reference."

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"Watermelon? What the fuck?! My fucking cantaloupe, mother fucker."

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Oct 27 2011

"I don't break hearts. No. I DESTROY THEM. I'm the Death Star of break-ups."

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And then...

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STM:	Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES!
KAREN:	... Did you say "toes" or "toast"?
ADAM:	(face buried in the pillows) Toes.
KAREN:	Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby?
ADAM:	I don't know.
KAREN:	You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!"
ADAM:	I gave myself a fright.
KAREN:	Aw, come here. Don't be frightened.
ADAM:	One minute I think I'm asleep—
KAREN:	You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken.
ADAM:	You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself—
KAREN:	Yeah, and you start awake.
ADAM:	I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting.
KAREN:	But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes?
ADAM:	I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes?
KAREN:	Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air.
ADAM:	If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about.

Oct 26 2011

"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."

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"It's a cricket bat, dumb-arse! Jesus, dick-shit, a cricket bat. Game of the kings!"

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Oct 25 2011

"Don't make me come over there and piss in your shoes again. You know you don't like it."

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Well, who would?

"I know I shouldn't have, but, I got you a t-shirt. I got it for you in large and, just in case, in holy-shit-you're-fat size."

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Oct 24 2011

"You're one weeping snatch away from being a complete fucking bitch."

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Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.

(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"

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Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?