Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts. Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam. Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
"No, you're NOT going out like that. Your feathers all ruffled and beak covered in that nasty lipstick, and that excuse for a skirt. You look like one of those street-corner dirty chickens. Go back upstairs and put something decent on. You live under my coop, you behave and you dress like a good chicken! This is hard-boiled love, you know."
A rogue hand. It's not even having an attempt to try and hide. It's still there, on my face. I know exactly who did it. This isn't the kind of thing Miss Marple's needed for, this isn't Murder She Wrote, my hand is STILL ON MY FACE. I do have an itch, funny enough, but unfortunately it's not in the place where I've smacked myself in the head, so I need answers. But it's not talking. I don't think I'll ever ever understand why my hand hates my face so much! WHY?! What have I done to you??!
"Today is my gift to you. Today, I will not kill you and feed you to my children. Today, I'll let you frolic in the woods, picking daisies. Today, I'll let you count the stars and watch sunsets. Tomorrow, YOU'RE ON A SKEWER. Num num num num num num num num num num num num. Num num num num num. Num num num..."
"Hey! This is MY playground. These are MY swings. That's MY climbing pyramid. And that's MY springy elephant! THAT'S MY SPRINGY ELEPHANT! You crusty knob-end. Bog off! Leave this playground to the king of playtime! ... Mmmm, they're all mine.... I need a push. (whining pathetically) I can't swing without a push. PUSH ME! Where is everyone? Bastards. (muttering bitterly) This is MY playground."
"Oh shit. There's a ton of shit coming in, and you're sitting there, doing the same old shit, not giving a shit. Get off your fucking ass, and get on with the shit that's coming in, otherwise we're going to be up to our necks in this shit. Shit. You're such a shit."
Magneto's from the X-Men. Why am I telling an X-man to stay out of my poop?
KAREN:
I don't know. Well, what's his power?
ADAM:
He can do all things.
KAREN:
He can do all things?
ADAM:
He can do everything.
KAREN:
Why, is he the bad guy?
ADAM:
Yeah.
KAREN:
Oh..... Well, what's he gonna do with your poop?
ADAM:
The only reason Magneto would want to have anything to do with STM's poop is because STM's poop contains the ultimate super-power, having come from the utimate being. In STM's mind, obviously.
Okay: pith helmet makes sense; small box, yeah I can see why; baby wipes... maybe to keep them clean and fresh for when he delivers them on the other side, no? You know, if he's underground with his pit helment, he doesn't want to get his midgets dirty. He wants to deliver nice clean midgets.
KAREN:
Makes sense.
ADAM:
I only try to make sense of what goes on in my head.
"This little tampon went out, this little tampon stayed home. This little tampon had an applicator, this little tampon had none. This little tampon's covered in... poop. WRONG HOLE, PEOPLE! Wrong hole."
If you've never seen Apocalypse Now, that one's probably lost on you. And for those not in the Jewish know, challah is a scrumptious super-eggy braided bread.
"Two window licks and a rubber brick, please. Yeah, spring cleaning's a chore."
Adam said that one while I was away in the States for Thanksgiving. It came out the night that my family went out to see the new Muppet movie. It was AMAZING, and I can confirm (spoiler alert) that there was no muppet porn.
"A long long time ago, right up until the minute you were born, everybody was happier."
Sorry we lost a couple of days there, guys. I was flying back from the States Sunday, and our internet went down yesterday. But now I'm back at home with my sleep talkin' man, and we're back on track!
"Kiss you? I'd rather use my mouth to plug the hole that's left when someone's asshole falls out."
Do you think perhaps what STM is saying is that he himself is responsible for his sexy thoughts? His thoughts are about himself?
ADAM:
So, thoughts that he finds sexy are about himself?
KAREN:
That's what I'm wondering.
ADAM:
Oh... God this guy's a dick. Can you imagine, he's standing there in front of a mirror, with you on the bed behind him, and he's just standing there going, "you're not responsible for my sexy thoughts."
KAREN:
He's definitely telling the person "my sexy thoughts aren't about you." But is he saying that they're about himself?
ADAM:
I get the impression that they have to be, because nobody can make him feel sexy apart from himself.
KAREN:
He set the bar so high with himself—
ADAM:
— with himself, no one's gonna get close to make him feel sexy in the slightest.
KAREN:
You've— First of all, you've put a lot of words in Sleep Talkin' Man's mouth. He never said, "I can't possibly find anyone sexy but me." He's just saying to a particular person, "You're not the one I'm having sexy thoughts about."
ADAM:
Yeah, MY thoughts—
KAREN:
I think you're taking it—
ADAM:
— MY sexy. He's— It's all about him. When it comes to relationships, he may find things a bit tricky because he's gonna judge everybody on his own level. And that's a very very very high pedestal he's sitting on. You know, he may sit on a high pedestal, I'm sitting on a kindergarten chair.
KAREN:
I think you deserve to at least be on a high stool.
ADAM:
At least you didn't say high chair... Step ladder? No? Okay.... Tree house?
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Merch reminder: Hey guys! Tomorrow is the last day for those promos in the shirt shops! Details in the right column, link to shops in the left column.
I'm in the States for Thanksgiving, so Adam is on his own hitting the record button and then sending the file along to me in the morning. It's always a delightful surprise for me to search through the recording and see what little gems STM left for me.
"This is my friend Lumpy. Lumpy, say hello. I'm sorry, Lumpy's shy. Lumpy, say hello! (sigh) He's a bit crap. Come on, Lumpy, we can go to the sweet shop."
"Ladies and gentlemen, grab your partners! Time to dance like you're my washing machine. Can you spin it? Yes you can. Let's take it down! I'm talkin' 40 degrees."
"Tsk tsk tsk. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. Thirty-seven dangleberries, and not one dingle enough. What the fuck's it coming to these days? Fuck it. Dangleberries it is."
And you know what the clinical term for dangleberry is?
KAREN:
Yeah?
ADAM:
Bum grapes.
KAREN:
I've never heard that term.
ADAM:
Yeah. Bum grapes... Anusol!
KAREN:
The medicine?
ADAM:
It's the worst-named medicine in the world if you have to go to the pharmacist.
KAREN:
"I'd like some ANUSOL please?"
ADAM:
Everybody knows exactly what's wrong with you.
KAREN:
Even if they've never heard of the medicine, they now know.
ADAM:
The thing is, you can pick it up from the shelf in the supermarket, go to the cashier, "Can somebody give me a price on the Anusol please!?" Everybody in the supermarket knows, you've got bum grapes. Oh dear.
"The pear and the parsnip had a race. To be honest, I couldn't give a toss who won, I was just fascinated to watch. Look at those little legs. Run parsnip, run!"
"Hey! Stop shouting at the starfish. It's not its fault it can't grow chilies. Leave him alone. Tell you what, you should check out his aubergines. Mighty impressive!"
Adam wants me to tell you all that he has never used the word "snatch" to reference female genitalia in his (waking) life.
"Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada ba— BING! Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada ba— BING! I hate those bings. They stop my rhythm. Bastards!"
(holds arm up in air, makes fist, and brings it down on Adam's head wth a dull thunk.)
ADAM:
(gasps awake, then stares at hand for a long moment).
KAREN:
Baby!
ADAM:
WHAT? What?
KAREN:
You just clonked yourself on the forehead with your fist!
ADAM:
That was crap of me, wasn't it?
KAREN:
You went like this (demonstrates, eliciting a similar thunk). That's what you did! Why did you do that?
ADAM:
I don— I— Well— Considering the fact that I don't know I did that—
KAREN:
What did you think woke you up?
ADAM:
Well, I knew I got clonked on the head, and then, noticing my hand ON my head, I realized it was me. But I needed to determine whether I was in full control of my arm, hence me staring at my hand for a while. And once I realized I WAS in full control of my arm I kind of gathered that I must have clonked myself in the head and I was left with just a great sense of shame and embarrassment.
KAREN:
Oh, baby.
ADAM:
It's okay. I live with it every day. And then you share it with the world every day.
KAREN:
Yeah.
ADAM:
Thank you, darling, I love you. Spread the shame, spread the shame.
"There's pudding in the sock drawer, and waffles galore, so make yourself at home. No, I said the sock drawer, damnit, the sock— ohhhh. There's tapioca everywhere."
"Here's what we do: We wrestle back control from the pirate gerbils, and the seas will be ours! That's right, you nasty little sea fluffies… Shit, they're stashing the treasure in their cheeks! Come on! Time for some plundering!"
Sounds like STM is getting a bit sick of Tulisa. And for those who don't spend their weekend nights glued to the TV watching the X Factor (UK version), one of the judges annoyingly graces every single good performance with the phrase "you smashed it!"
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Added later: Our favorite comment? "While that was quite an awful way to dump someone, my friend still holds the record, in my opinion. She told her boyfriend at the time 'Welcome to Dumpsville, baby. Population: YOU.'"
"Oh great. Who's idea was it to theme this party 'sloth sanctuary'? It's gonna be the slowest evening ever. Jesus! (then in slo-mo) Jeeeeeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuuuuusssssss."
That one is not as random as it sounds. Every year, Adam and I volunteer at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. We've just decided that this year, we'll work with sloths in Costa Rica. I'm sure there will be some truly rockin' parties.
"Froggie!! I miss you. Where have been Froggie? Ohhhh, fancy. What've you got in your bag? Why are you collecting tourists? Put 'em back, Froggie, and tell me about your trip."
Oh my god. But you were just having such a nice conversation. With the froggie.
ADAM:
Really?
KAREN:
Yeah.
ADAM:
What language was I speaking?
KAREN:
... No I think it was an actual froggie.
ADAM:
Oh, okay, not French, then.
KAREN:
No. I think it was a froggie. (giggle)
ADAM:
You just like the word.
KAREN:
Um, what did you say... "Oh, froggie, I've missed you! Where have you been? What's in your bag? Stop collecting tourists, and tell me about your trip."
ADAM:
Wow. Is he a big frog, do you think?
KAREN:
Well, if he had a big enough bag that he could collect tourists...
ADAM:
I wonder how he collects them. Do you think he uses his big sticky tongue to grab them off the street? You're standing there, taking pictures of Big Ben, and all of the sudden: (sound effect)
KAREN:
Well, what does he do with them?
ADAM:
His tourist collection. "I have tourists from all over the world. Here we have Japan, Australia. Don't have any from Kahzakstan, though. Or Outer Mongolia. My prize is this man from Belize."
"I can do it. I can! I can do it. Oh...Oh... I can't. I can't do it. I can't! I can't, and it's all your fault. It's all your fucking fault, you gangrenous dollop of menstrual discharge. Fuck off!"
And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.
Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap.
ADAM:
Battery mishap.
KAREN:
You woke me up making little noises—
ADAM:
Little noises!
KAREN:
And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries—
ADAM:
You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed?
KAREN:
Oh yeah.
ADAM:
Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed?
KAREN:
I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing?
ADAM:
You can see!
KAREN:
But you know the crazy thing—
ADAM:
I cured you!
KAREN:
You waited for me.
ADAM:
Piss off.
KAREN:
Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking.
ADAM:
And did you do your hummy thing?
KAREN:
... A little.
ADAM:
Young lady!
KAREN:
But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around.
ADAM:
I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk.
KAREN:
But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it?
Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES!
KAREN:
... Did you say "toes" or "toast"?
ADAM:
(face buried in the pillows) Toes.
KAREN:
Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby?
ADAM:
I don't know.
KAREN:
You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!"
ADAM:
I gave myself a fright.
KAREN:
Aw, come here. Don't be frightened.
ADAM:
One minute I think I'm asleep—
KAREN:
You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken.
ADAM:
You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself—
KAREN:
Yeah, and you start awake.
ADAM:
I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting.
KAREN:
But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes?
ADAM:
I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes?
KAREN:
Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air.
ADAM:
If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about.
"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."
Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.
(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"
Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?
