WELCOME HANNAH RUTH!!

Yes, I know, I dropped off the edge of the earth these past couple of weeks. I've been a very inconsiderate and disloyal blogger, and I wholeheartedly apologize. But, I think I have a pretty decent excuse:

Please join me in welcoming to the waking world

Hannah Ruth Lennard

About a week and a half ago, Hannah decided that 37.5 weeks was just about enough time to spend in the oven. On February 21st, after 45 hours of "early" labor and then 30 hours of actual labor, she finally made her way out into the world. She was born at a tiny 5 lbs 6 oz, with a VERY full head of hair, some scrawny little chicken legs, and frighteningly long toes.

Because she was so small, we were kept in the hospital for a few extra days. Except for the fact that there was NO WIFI (gasp!), that was a wonderful experience. I had round the clock care from a team of midwives, and a staff of lactation consultants coming in every three hours to work with me on breast feeding. I can't say enough about how great the UK National Health Service is. And midwives rock.

We've been home now for a week, and things are going pretty well. I'm amazed to learn that caring for a newborn truly is a full-time job. I'm slowly starting to get the hang of how to get anything not Hannah-related accomplished (hence finally managing this blog post).

Adam and I are both utterly besotted by Hannah, who is (objectively speaking) the most astoundingly gorgeous thing ever to have graced the earth.

I can't speak for what Sleep Talkin' Man thinks about her just yet, as he hasn't made a peep since she came along. I think we can attribute this to basic lack of proper sleep. Once we get on track, I hope to hear his opinion on our new addition.

I can share with you the story of STM's most recent appearance:

I was finally admitted into the hospital late Wednesday night, after more than two full days of contractions. By that time, I was in such unimaginable, mind-bending pain that they pumped me full of Pethidine (known in the States as Demerol). I drifted into a pain-free stupor, and Adam got in the bed with me to nap.

As I stirred awake two hours later , I heard him begin to mumble next to me. I sat up to clear my head, at which point he growled, "Seventeen shaved monkeys!" shortly followed by a top-of-his-lungs shout of "COCK FUCK!!"

Until STM decides to rejoin us, I promise to try and get back in the habit of posting things I've still got saved from the nest-egg. In the meanwhile, here are pictures of the utterly adorable Hannah:

Feb 18 2013

"Zombie rugby could be a lot better, but they keep passing their arms!"

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The following is one of those first-thing-in-the-morning conversations that happened to get captured because the recorder was still on. I know that it's a) irrelevant to Adam's sleep talking, and b) probably more info than any of you want to hear, but I was so amused that I'm posting it anyway. Note of explanation: we refer to the baby in my belly as "the monkey."

KAREN:	I just had a really creepy notion.
ADAM:	Hmmm?
KAREN:	If we have sex, then for a little while, the monkey has pets.
ADAM:	That “if” just got bigger.

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Feb 13 2013

Listen up, people! Want to win a signed copy of Sleep Talkin' Man, the book? Enter the contest at Shelf-Awareness.com for your chance. Entry closes on Feb 15, so get to it!

Wednesday Rewind

"Next time I lend out my chest hair, it won't be to a dick-face like you. You've got it covered in lots of stuff. It'll take ages to clean up. One hair at a time."

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"No emails? Is it working? Don't you want to speak to me? (whines pathetically) Communication paranoia!"

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Feb 11 2013

"Straw is for pussies, and sticks are for pricks. Bricks! It takes balls to use bricks. Big piggy balls. Respect to the third piglet."

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Perhaps STM is brushing up on his fairy tales in preparation for our upcoming new arrival!

"I look good in hair. Which is lucky, I suppose, 'cause I've got hair... by the bucket-load."

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I can attest to this being an accurate representation of Adam's furriness.

Feb 6 2013

Wednesday Rewind

"Good morning. I just wanted to be the first person to call you a twat. Enjoy your day."

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"Little hands can't manhandle. No. They can only minihandle. Oh, pity those little digits."

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Feb 4 2013

"The bagels have declared independence. The bakery is up in arms! There's a giant flour cloud enveloping everything. Don't trust the macaroons."

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And our discussion concerning those untrustworthy macaroons:

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ADAM:	What’s wrong with macaroons?
KAREN:	I can answer that so easily. Generally, macaroons have coconut in them, and are repulsive. So they are NOT to be trusted.
ADAM:	It’s not their fault, they’re made that way.
KAREN:	You could say that about anybody.
ADAM:	You can’t distrust—
KAREN:	You can say about anybody that who they become, that they’re a product of their experiences and environment, but that’s still who they are.
ADAM:	That’s not a product of their experiences and environment, that’s their ingredients. That’s their DNA.
KAREN:	Exactly, the same as people!
ADAM:	No, it’s not the same as people at all. It’s not fair to say you can’t trust them ‘cause of who they are, or what they are.
KAREN:	I’m just saying, that doesn’t change that you can’t trust them. Perhaps you can say, it’s not their fault that they were made that way, they didn’t choose to be made that way, but that’s still how they are.
ADAM:	Well, you know, I tend to agree that I find macaroons disgusting. But I wouldn’t say they’re distrustful. I just don’t want to hang out with them.
KAREN:	Do you know what? They are, because they look like they’ll be nice, but then you eat them and they’re disgusting. They’re dishonest.
ADAM:	It’s not their fault. They don’t realize they are being dishonest. They just see themselves as quite an attractive, cakey biscuit. You need to give ‘em a break. You need to give macaroons a break. I’m not saying you should try them and like them. I’m just saying, you know what, leave them alone. They’ve got their own little corner of the bakery, no one’s bothering them, there are people who love them AND trust them. I think you just need to give ‘em a break.
KAREN:	Sleep Talkin’ Man obviously understands what I’m talking about.
ADAM:	Well, it may be because of the Republic of Bagel, that they’re, you know, the macaroons are starting to get a bit uppity and want their own independence. And that’s just gonna cause complete chaos.
KAREN:	Oh, they can HAVE their independence.

Feb 1 2013

"I'm the fucking center of the universe. Everything revolves around me. Astronomers can kiss my gorgeous ass."

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Jan 30 2013

These two quotes came out the night after Adam's surgery to remove his lymph node. It's generally not a good idea to abuse your surgeon, so I'm glad STM held off until he was in his own bed, rather than coming out with these while on the slab.

"How am I? How am I? I'm in a fucking hospital and I don't work here! Stupid question, how am I. Scalpel monkey!"

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"I'll fucking give you stitches! Oop, nope, you win. Got me first."

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Jan 25 2013

"Don't you go there. That journey's gonna end with my fist in your face.-- Oh! There we go, fist in face. You've arrived at your destination."

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"Ya piss stinking weasel! He makes the man chutney."

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Jan 23 2013

Wednesday Rewind

"Of course I know where your eyes are. I just like staring at your tits. Thank you!"

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"Cuff him! Arrest him! I don't care, that manatee is going down!"

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Jan 21 2013

This is one of those times that Adam's real life circumstances broke through to STM's world. A few weeks ago, Adam found a lump in his groin. It turned out to be a very swollen lymph node, which could have any one of a large number of explanations, many of them quite benign, a couple of them less benign. Sometime amidst his many doctor's appointments to determine what happens next, STM came out with this:

"Yeah, Lumpy, you wanna come mess with me in my house, you'd better come armed to the teeth and bring friends. I'll fuck you up, mother-fucker."

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Thanks, STM, for providing Adam a healthy outlet to help work through the anxiety while we wait for news.

And here is the conversation we had the next morning:

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ADAM:	Go down.
KAREN:	Who are you talking to?
ADAM:	Lump.
KAREN:	Oh wait, that explains... hold on... what did you say? OH, I didn't put it together at the time! You said, "Lumpy, if you're gonna fuck with me, you'd better come armed to the teeth." But I totally didn't make the connection.
ADAM:	I shall give Lump a name. I'm gonna call it Rupert. It's inoffensive if you give it a name like Rupert.
KAREN:	Okay, I like that idea. We'll call it Rupert.
ADAM:	And then I won't mind when Rupert's gone.
KAREN:	You know what? I bet you that if we start referring to it as Rupert, you'll start developing an affection for it.
ADAM:	No. Rupert's an uninvited guest. He's made himself at home, and he's eating my food, and drinking my drink, and he's just pissing me off. He's just fat, bloated Rupert.

Jan 18 2013

"I'm like medicine. Take me twice before going to bed. Warning: I will cause sexiness."

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"She said it was chewable. The door mat. The chewable door mat's not chewable. Not at all."

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Jan 16 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"Me, fat? Think again, titty-fuck. I taught my muscles to be in a zen-like state of relaxation. Permanently."

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"Soggy fucking saddlebags, I am NOT sticking around here. This place sucks.... Sorry Mum, but it's true."

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Introducing... Sleep Talkin Man, THE BOOK!!

Yes, it's true! Sleep Talkin' Man is now a book!

A real, live, paper and ink book! 

"But I read the blog," I hear you saying.

"Why is it an ABSOLUTE IMPERATIVE that I get this book?" 

Well, because there's loads of exclusive content in there. Book stuff! For example:

• Lots of STM zingers that I've been hiding from you all this time, JUST FOR THE BOOK. If you don't get the book, you'll NEVER GET TO READ THEM!
• Hilarious illustrations of some of the classic STM quotes. I mean, seriously, how can you go through life without ever seeing a CHICKEN IN A FETISH COSTUME?
• A bunch of WORDS, written by me, all about the life and times of Adam and Sleep Talkin' Man. Aren't you just dying to know who STM is, where he comes from, and what it's like for me to live with these two opposing personalities?
• More more more!!!!

"Okay, okay, I HAVE TO HAVE THIS BOOK!

Where can I get it?"

Officially speaking, it's launching later in January. But you can go ahead and order it from Barnes & Noble (in the US), or from Amazon in your country of choice!

What, you're still here?
Get on out there and GET YOUR BOOK!

__________________________________________

Added later: In response to a comment left by Paula - YES, the book IS available for Kindle and Nook!  

Jan 11 2013

"I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read."

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Jan 9 2013

Wednesday Rewind

"Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better, because I answer."

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"Hmm, linguini on the ceiling! It adds a certain texture. Interesting... Just don't use penne. Or those crappy twisty ones."

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Jan 7 2013

"No. Don't touch me. Don't touch me there. No. That's not my happy place."

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"The midget has a whip."

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Jan 4 2013

Welcome back, everyone. So sorry for the long hiatus. The holiday plus pregnancy plus two sick step-kids really did me in. But, I'm getting back on track now with our regularly scheduled program!

"I have to admit, I've totally underestimated the power of your boobs. They can freeze my mind at twenty paces."

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This one, I think it's safe to say, is related to my pregnancy.

And here we have another one of Adam's unfortunate awakenings, care of STM:

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	(sound of a loud SMACK, as Adam slaps himself in the face with full force.)
ADAM:	OW!
KAREN:	Adam?! Did you just—?
ADAM:	I’m awake now.
KAREN:	(making no attempt to control the giggles, despite Adam’s obvious pain) Baby, what was that?
ADAM:	I forgot where my arm was. It was a lot closer to my face than I thought. I thought it was over here (stretches his arm all the way out to the side), so I want it brought over here (indicates a location four inches from his face), and it wasn’t, it was about there (moving it about three inches further away from face). I’m sorry. I’m actually apologizing to myself, not you.
KAREN:	Aww.