Sorry we lost a couple of days there, guys. I was flying back from the States Sunday, and our internet went down yesterday. But now I'm back at home with my sleep talkin' man, and we're back on track!"Kiss you? I'd rather use my mouth to plug the hole that's left when someone's asshole falls out."
or click here"You're not responsible for my sexy thoughts. My thoughts, my sexy."
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And our thoughtful analysis...
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| KAREN: | Do you think perhaps what STM is saying is that he himself is responsible for his sexy thoughts? His thoughts are about himself? |
| ADAM: | So, thoughts that he finds sexy are about himself? |
| KAREN: | That's what I'm wondering. |
| ADAM: | Oh... God this guy's a dick. Can you imagine, he's standing there in front of a mirror, with you on the bed behind him, and he's just standing there going, "you're not responsible for my sexy thoughts." |
| KAREN: | He's definitely telling the person "my sexy thoughts aren't about you." But is he saying that they're about himself? |
| ADAM: | I get the impression that they have to be, because nobody can make him feel sexy apart from himself. |
| KAREN: | He set the bar so high with himself— |
| ADAM: | — with himself, no one's gonna get close to make him feel sexy in the slightest. |
| KAREN: | You've— First of all, you've put a lot of words in Sleep Talkin' Man's mouth. He never said, "I can't possibly find anyone sexy but me." He's just saying to a particular person, "You're not the one I'm having sexy thoughts about." |
| ADAM: | Yeah, MY thoughts— |
| KAREN: | I think you're taking it— |
| ADAM: | — MY sexy. He's— It's all about him. When it comes to relationships, he may find things a bit tricky because he's gonna judge everybody on his own level. And that's a very very very high pedestal he's sitting on. You know, he may sit on a high pedestal, I'm sitting on a kindergarten chair. |
| KAREN: | I think you deserve to at least be on a high stool. |
| ADAM: | At least you didn't say high chair... Step ladder? No? Okay.... Tree house? |
Here is how STM decided to kick off the holiday season:"You're as wanted as a paperclip. A sad, lonely, broken paperclip. And not one of those fancy colored ones, either."
or click here"I perspire with love. Smell my lust!"
Aw. What a depressing sentiment for this festive day. I also found another set of wacky sound effects:
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And finally,
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"Stop! Just stop... breathing. Yeah, that'll be good."
or click here"I like to lick socks. But only after dinner. Mmmmm, warm socks."
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"If at first you don't find love... google harder!"
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I'm in the States for Thanksgiving, so Adam is on his own hitting the record button and then sending the file along to me in the morning. It's always a delightful surprise for me to search through the recording and see what little gems STM left for me.
"The great nature/nurture debate: Did we learn to hate you, or were we all born with that gift?"
or click here"This is my friend Lumpy. Lumpy, say hello. I'm sorry, Lumpy's shy. Lumpy, say hello! (sigh) He's a bit crap. Come on, Lumpy, we can go to the sweet shop."
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"I'm so magic, I puke rainbows and shit pixie dust."
or click here"Tsk tsk tsk. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. Thirty-seven dangleberries, and not one dingle enough. What the fuck's it coming to these days? Fuck it. Dangleberries it is."
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And the ensuing conversation in the morning...
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| ADAM: | Dangleberry? |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | You know they're not berries. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thanks. |
| ADAM: | And you know what the clinical term for dangleberry is? |
| KAREN: | Yeah? |
| ADAM: | Bum grapes. |
| KAREN: | I've never heard that term. |
| ADAM: | Yeah. Bum grapes... Anusol! |
| KAREN: | The medicine? |
| ADAM: | It's the worst-named medicine in the world if you have to go to the pharmacist. |
| KAREN: | "I'd like some ANUSOL please?" |
| ADAM: | Everybody knows exactly what's wrong with you. |
| KAREN: | Even if they've never heard of the medicine, they now know. |
| ADAM: | The thing is, you can pick it up from the shelf in the supermarket, go to the cashier, "Can somebody give me a price on the Anusol please!?" Everybody in the supermarket knows, you've got bum grapes. Oh dear. |
"The world will rue the day that I gave Superman explosive diarrhea! (evil chuckle)"
or click here"The pear and the parsnip had a race. To be honest, I couldn't give a toss who won, I was just fascinated to watch. Look at those little legs. Run parsnip, run!"
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STM's being a bit disingenuous here. He is clearly rooting for the parsnip.
"I swear, your vagina needs a use-by date. Stinky snatch."
or click here"Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom. Bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada bada ba— BING! Bada bada bada bada bada bada bada bada. Bada bada ba— BING! I hate those bings. They stop my rhythm. Bastards!"
Adam wants me to tell you all that he has never used the word "snatch" to reference female genitalia in his (waking) life.
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And then, poor Adam had another one of those unpleasant awakenings care of STM:
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| STM: | (holds arm up in air, makes fist, and brings it down on Adam's head wth a dull thunk.) |
| ADAM: | (gasps awake, then stares at hand for a long moment). |
| KAREN: | Baby! |
| ADAM: | WHAT? What? |
| KAREN: | You just clonked yourself on the forehead with your fist! |
| ADAM: | That was crap of me, wasn't it? |
| KAREN: | You went like this (demonstrates, eliciting a similar thunk). That's what you did! Why did you do that? |
| ADAM: | I don— I— Well— Considering the fact that I don't know I did that— |
| KAREN: | What did you think woke you up? |
| ADAM: | Well, I knew I got clonked on the head, and then, noticing my hand ON my head, I realized it was me. But I needed to determine whether I was in full control of my arm, hence me staring at my hand for a while. And once I realized I WAS in full control of my arm I kind of gathered that I must have clonked myself in the head and I was left with just a great sense of shame and embarrassment. |
| KAREN: | Oh, baby. |
| ADAM: | It's okay. I live with it every day. And then you share it with the world every day. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | Thank you, darling, I love you. Spread the shame, spread the shame. |
"There's pudding in the sock drawer, and waffles galore, so make yourself at home. No, I said the sock drawer, damnit, the sock— ohhhh. There's tapioca everywhere."
or click here"I didn't have an accident. It was a physical miscommunication. Now wash my pants, bitch!"
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And the dramatic awakening:
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| STM: | (a few satisfied little hums, and then) NIPPLES! |
| ADAM: | Oh, I woke you up. |
| KAREN: | No, I'm awake. |
| ADAM: | Oh, well, congratulations for now being shouted at as well. |
| KAREN: | (giggles) |
| ADAM: | You must go to sleep, otherwise I can't shout at you again. |
"'Unique' and 'special' are the two words I'd use to describe you. That is, if I'm not allowed to use 'cunt' and 'bag'."
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"Here's what we do: We wrestle back control from the pirate gerbils, and the seas will be ours! That's right, you nasty little sea fluffies… Shit, they're stashing the treasure in their cheeks! Come on! Time for some plundering!"
or click here"Smashed it? Of course I smashed it. I'm a serial soul-smashing mother-fucker. Smashed it, what a knob."
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Sounds like STM is getting a bit sick of Tulisa. And for those who don't spend their weekend nights glued to the TV watching the X Factor (UK version), one of the judges annoyingly graces every single good performance with the phrase "you smashed it!"
"I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me. We're just in different places. I'm here, and you're... polluting my fucking life like some oily anal discharge."
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Way to let her down easy, STM.
Added later: Our favorite comment? "While that was quite an awful way to dump someone, my friend still holds the record, in my opinion. She told her boyfriend at the time 'Welcome to Dumpsville, baby. Population: YOU.'"
"Oh great. Who's idea was it to theme this party 'sloth sanctuary'? It's gonna be the slowest evening ever. Jesus! (then in slo-mo) Jeeeeeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuuuuusssssss."
or click here"Froggie!! I miss you. Where have been Froggie? Ohhhh, fancy. What've you got in your bag? Why are you collecting tourists? Put 'em back, Froggie, and tell me about your trip."
That one is not as random as it sounds. Every year, Adam and I volunteer at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. We've just decided that this year, we'll work with sloths in Costa Rica. I'm sure there will be some truly rockin' parties.
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And then we have Adam's unfortunate awakening, and our conversation about that last one:
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| ADAM: | (punches headboard) OW! Oh. |
| KAREN: | Oh, Baby, what did you just hit? |
| ADAM: | Oh! Hand. |
| KAREN: | Oh my god. But you were just having such a nice conversation. With the froggie. |
| ADAM: | Really? |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | What language was I speaking? |
| KAREN: | ... No I think it was an actual froggie. |
| ADAM: | Oh, okay, not French, then. |
| KAREN: | No. I think it was a froggie. (giggle) |
| ADAM: | You just like the word. |
| KAREN: | Um, what did you say... "Oh, froggie, I've missed you! Where have you been? What's in your bag? Stop collecting tourists, and tell me about your trip." |
| ADAM: | Wow. Is he a big frog, do you think? |
| KAREN: | Well, if he had a big enough bag that he could collect tourists... |
| ADAM: | I wonder how he collects them. Do you think he uses his big sticky tongue to grab them off the street? You're standing there, taking pictures of Big Ben, and all of the sudden: (sound effect) |
| KAREN: | Well, what does he do with them? |
| ADAM: | His tourist collection. "I have tourists from all over the world. Here we have Japan, Australia. Don't have any from Kahzakstan, though. Or Outer Mongolia. My prize is this man from Belize." |
"I can do it. I can! I can do it. Oh...Oh... I can't. I can't do it. I can't! I can't, and it's all your fault. It's all your fucking fault, you gangrenous dollop of menstrual discharge. Fuck off!"
or click here"FYI: I vibrate when I see cats and apples. Never take me to the kitty orchard. It'll get messy."
Ugh. Another lovely image, care of STM.
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We really tried to figure out the reference here, folks, and came up empty.
"I'm sorry, but not knowing what a horcrux is is a deal-breaker to me. Deal with it, muggle-fucker."
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I'm so glad that that Harry Potter movie marathon we had this summer paid off.
I've just got to get "Deal with it, muggle-fucker" onto merch. It'll be in the shops later today.
"The fruit flies have escaped! Hide your plums! Satsumas flee! FLEE! Oh, this is gonna be total fruitocide. Fuck you, avocado, you're on your own."
or click here"Disco diva! Dancing on toilet again!"
I should mention here that Adam is allergic to avocado and that, to hide his sorrow, he pretends that avocado are undesirable.
This next one came out as I was peeing in our en suite bathroom
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