"No. No, no, no, no! Oh, for crying out loud, who told you you could lick the church?!"
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Trawling through the mutterings that I've got saved in the nest-egg, I noticed that STM has been harping on about God a lot lately. Of course, most of it is him showing disdain. Anyone care to offer a theory as to why?
"She hit me in the face with cheese. Stringy cheese. Straight from her weeping vaj sac."
or click here"My blogspot is better than yours. Better than yours. Fuck yeah, it's better than yours."
As I was listening to this in real time, I was truly enjoying it... until the final sentence landed. Ugh.
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How very self-referential of STM. He's never shown any direct awareness of the blog before. Anyway, sounds like he's got his own version of the Milkshake Song going (see YouTube).
"Pygmy goat herding sucks. I've got this fucking teacup pig for a ride, and they just all laugh at me. Fucking mini bearded bitches."
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This needs an illustration.
And we got some more of those funny sounds:
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"Where are your horses now, hmm? Hey, where are your horses now? 'Four Pedestrians of the Apocalypse' sounds pretty lame to me, ya fuck turds."
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For those of you who don't get it, you are not alone! Read about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or just listen to this:
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| KAREN: | You said, "Where are your horses now, hmm? 'Four pedestrians of the apocalyse' sounds pretty lame, fuck turds." |
| ADAM: | Four horsemen, of the apocalypse. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. What is it? Is it a movie? |
| ADAM: | No, darling, it's biblical. |
| KAREN: | I... don't... know... I don't know about... I knew it enough to figure out what you were saying, but, I don't really know what it is. |
| ADAM: | I believe they represent famine, pestilence, something else, something else. They ride over the earth as a sign of the apocalypse. |
| KAREN: | Ohhhhh. Four pedestrians of the apocalypse... they just walk around. |
| ADAM: | The apocalypse happens slowly. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | I wonder if they use each other's first names. 'Cause, when you're on a horse and your riding quickly across the skies, you don't have to talk to each other. But, when you're walking... |
| KAREN: | Like when you get stuck walking alongside someone for a really long time— |
| ADAM: | You have to talk to them. |
| KAREN: | You have to, like, ask about each other's kids... |
| ADAM: | "How're you doing, Clive?" "Hrm." |
| KAREN: | And then they have to start talking about sports, did you see that game... |
| ADAM: | "What was he thinking? Trying to run the ball into the net?" "Oh, that's the Arsene Wenger philosophy, I'm afraid." (chuckles to himself) |
"Don't tell me how to do my job. Or I'll go to your place of work and slap that cock out of your mouth!"
or click here"Such a pretty pony... The fucker bites! Take out it's teeth, and give him rubber ones instead."
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"It's too quiet in here. Make some noise. Preferably, the cheering for me kind of noise. Yeah, that's better."
or click here"Fuck monkeeeeeeey... Dish it out! Noodle style."
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And here's Adam's awakening (in response to me softly stroking his head), followed by a thoughtful comparison of our respective vernaculars:
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| STM: | MOLE! |
| KAREN: | Which kind of mole, the animal, or the thing on your skin? |
| ADAM: | I don't know what you're talking about. It was a manimal. |
| KAREN: | A manimal? |
| ADAM: | Yeah. Flopped onto my head. |
| KAREN: | A mole flopped onto your head? |
| ADAM: | I was in a cave, and it must have been burrowing, and it fell from the roof of the cave. I need to pee, really badly. |
| KAREN: | Okay, go pee. |
| ADAM: | I'm so tired, I may just pee here. |
| KAREN: | Do you realize you say "pee" instead of "wee" now? |
| ADAM: | It sounds nicer. |
| KAREN: | I like it better, actually. |
| ADAM: | I've been saying "poop" |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | Poop! Poop! |
| KAREN: | Pooooop! |
| ADAM: | Poop pooooop! |
| KAREN: | Yeah, it's like being on a nice train. |
| ADAM: | Poop train's pulling out of the station! |
| KAREN: | Oh no! I think I might have to put this conversation on the blog. |
| ADAM: | I've got a one-way ticket on the poop train! |
"Goddamnit, I'm gonna have to double brown bag your fucking ugly face now."
or click here"My moose don't moo. It's a mute moose. I am not amused."
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Check out that alliteration. How very Dr. Seussian. Incidentally, there appears to be a pattern emerging here. Cast your mind back to June 4.
"Yeah, I like you. 'Cause you're rich and generous."
or click here"Be still, my little jelly boat. You're giving the rest of the crew seasickness. Calm yourself. We've got a whole journey to wobble through."
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These are jelly boats, occasionally made by Adam's mother for the kids: It's jell-o set in orange skins. Aren't they adorable?
"What's so sweet about you, Mr. Nectarine? You bald fucker. (evil chuckle)"
or click here"Are we talking about one o'clock chicken or six o'clock chicken? 'Cause six o'clock chicken is keeping it real. Yeah, it is."
Sounds like STM is just trying to stir up trouble between Mr. Nectarine and Mr. Peach.
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Adam said this while I was in the States. When I asked if he had any clue what it meant he told me that he had spent a long time the day before debating whether he'd have chicken for lunch or for dinner. I guess dinner won out.
"Leave my gnomes alone. They're MY gnomes, living in MY house, doing MY gardening, and they're happy. Look at their fucking smiley faces. Can't you see how frickin' happy they are? Who are you to judge me?! Go on, gnome, cut the grass. Good gnome. Good gnome."
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"How do blind people know they're done wiping? How?"
or click here"Argh! You love my boat! It's the best splashy splashy time anyone can have. I'll slit your throat for a gold coin. Argh! Argh, argh. Splishy splashy time."
A very good question STM raises. Do we have any blind readers out there who would care to illuminate?
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Ah, the Dread Pirate STM has returned.
"Oh, that's it, I found the secret project: Baby bat-faced donkey ears will be mine!"
or click here"Today you're special. But tomorrow's a new day, and I need you to be new special. Yeah."
Any guesses as to the purpose of this secret government project?
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"What are YOU looking at? Yeah? What wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable wombat?"
or click here"No, no. Don't stop. Don't stop. Pick your fucking face off."
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Okay, this one is clearly aimed at me. I have a horrible habit of rubbing and picking at my lips, which Adam is always trying to get me to stop.
"That's what I like about you. You're a reliable disappointment."
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And in honor of Bastille Day:
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And here we have STM's moan of desperation in response to the sonorous snoring of Molly the little beagle:
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"You really are two I-don't-cares short of a fuck-off."
or click here"It's a fruit basket. Bloody useless. It rots after a few days, and everything it holds gets all gooey. Looks pretty, though. My fruit basket."
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Ha ha ha. Get it?
And here we have another set of those bizarre sounds:
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"You know, it would be easier to kill the vegetarians than invite them to dinner. Bloody fucking lentils. LENTILS!"
or click here"Happy fucking birthday. Whoopee! You've finally grown into your bra size and your IQ, all in one go. Well done. Aren't you clever."
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I had a bit of a struggle with this one. To me, it sounded like STM was actually complimenting someone, that they had a bra size and IQ beyond their years. But Adam think he's saying that, for example, they are turning 32, which is also their bra size and their IQ. Knowing STM, I suspect Adam's got it right.
"Put Mr. Squidly down! How DARE you try and milk him! Come on, Mr. Squidly. Let me put you back in your tank. Aw, it's okay. Why don't you hug my arm. Yeah, use all your little tentacles. There there. Everything's gonna be okay. He's only a douche."
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Poor Mr. Squidly.
"You opened the pickle jar didn't you? Yeahhh. You're gonna take over the world, aren't you? Yeahhhh. You rugged son of a bitch."
or click here"Take the crayons away from the doodlebugs. They'll draw over everything! Messy little fuckers."
Yup, pretty sure STM is looking at himself in the mirror on this one.
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Of course, we have no idea if STM was referring to this kind of doodlebug:
or this kind:
Although Adam swears he only knows about the latter. Funny guy.
"I swear. Students: they're the most intelligent fucking morons in the world. Dickheads."
or click here"I'm here. Always have been. Lurking. Like a ninja, just without the deadly tools of trade. I'll cut you with my words, though."
I dedicate that one to all of the university professors out there.
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"The only thing that would make you less attractive to me right now, is if you'd be covered in vagina chunder."
or click here"Seriously: now is not the time for flippy-floppies."
Real nice, STM.
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I can definitely explain this one. Last night, Adam and I watched this
and then this
and finally this.
Later, Adam was trying to get romantic with me, but I kept dissolving into giggles over "flippy-floppies".
"I've got something I've wanted to give you for a really long time. Now, be still, here it is: It's a faceful of knuckles, you piece of scummy shit."
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These next two clips were from the early stage of the night. Note how, the first time, he seems to actually wake up in the middle of our exchange, having no idea that he has been talking to me. I don't know which I find funnier, his indignant insistence, or his pathetic whimpering.
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| ADAM: | (out of the dead silence) Baby! Baby! |
| KAREN: | Hmmm? What? |
| ADAM: | Come here. |
| KAREN: | What? |
| ADAM: | Come here. |
| KAREN: | What? What? |
| ADAM: | (with sudden surprise) Wha? |
| KAREN: | What is it? |
| ADAM: | What's wrong? You called me. |
| KAREN: | No, Baby, I didn't. |
| ADAM: | Why d'you wake me up? |
| KAREN: | I didn't. |
| ADAM: | You called me! |
| KAREN: | I didn't. |
| ADAM: | (whimpers) |
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| ADAM: | (again, out of nowhere) You woke me up again. |
| KAREN: | Hmm? |
| ADAM: | You woke me up again. |
| KAREN: | Mmm-mmm. |
| ADAM: | You did! You did the same thing! |
| KAREN: | Hmm? |
| ADAM: | You did the same thing. You tapped me on my back and then you said my name until I was awake. |
| KAREN: | Mm? |
| ADAM: | So shush. |
"Wait, what's wrong? Is it your face? Well it should be your face!"
or click here"No, I can't come to the office today. My gorilla fetish has been taken to a whole new level. I have to work from home."
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Given the abundance of Adam's body hair, that's really something I should be saying.
"Recognition? You want recognition? Hmm... dog-faced, dumb-fuck spawn, boil-infested arse! How's that for recognition, cunt cheese?"
or click here"You panicked, and you ate it? Oh shit! Where am I gonna find twelve more of those little furry critters? Don't panic again!"
Listen to this craziness: Adam said this in his sleep last week. But the batteries had died in the recorder some time before, so I missed it. A few nights later, Adam said this, word-for-word, again. But the amazing thing is that I had NEVER TOLD Adam about it. I never told him what he'd said, I never mentioned him that I'd missed recording something at all! It's like STM knew that this little gem had never gotten it's due attention, so he gave it another try.
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