July 31 2011

"No. No, no, no, no! Oh, for crying out loud, who told you you could lick the church?!"

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Trawling through the mutterings that I've got saved in the nest-egg, I noticed that STM has been harping on about God a lot lately. Of course, most of it is him showing disdain. Anyone care to offer a theory as to why?

July 30 2011

"There's nothing funny about arse-cheek herpes!"

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"Well, sometimes I don't like fish, and sometimes I don't like melon. But, sometimes I just don't like you. Simple."

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Hmmm. That is simple.

July 29 2011

"She hit me in the face with cheese. Stringy cheese. Straight from her weeping vaj sac."

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As I was listening to this in real time, I was truly enjoying it... until the final sentence landed. Ugh.

"My blogspot is better than yours. Better than yours. Fuck yeah, it's better than yours."

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How very self-referential of STM. He's never shown any direct awareness of the blog before. Anyway, sounds like he's got his own version of the Milkshake Song going (see YouTube).

July 28 2011

"Pygmy goat herding sucks. I've got this fucking teacup pig for a ride, and they just all laugh at me. Fucking mini bearded bitches."

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This needs an illustration.

And we got some more of those funny sounds:

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Karen's notes: Apologies in advance if the audio sounds like it has skips and other weirdness. The player I use seems to be having issues today.

July 27 2011

"Where are your horses now, hmm? Hey, where are your horses now? 'Four Pedestrians of the Apocalypse' sounds pretty lame to me, ya fuck turds."

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For those of you who don't get it, you are not alone! Read about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or just listen to this:

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KAREN:	You said, "Where are your horses now, hmm? 'Four pedestrians of the apocalyse' sounds pretty lame, fuck turds."
ADAM:	Four horsemen, of the apocalypse.
KAREN:	Yeah. What is it? Is it a movie?
ADAM:	No, darling, it's biblical.
KAREN:	I... don't... know... I don't know about... I knew it enough to figure out what you were saying, but, I don't really know what it is.
ADAM:	I believe they represent famine, pestilence, something else, something else. They ride over the earth as a sign of the apocalypse.
KAREN:	Ohhhhh. Four pedestrians of the apocalypse... they just walk around.
ADAM:	The apocalypse happens slowly.
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	I wonder if they use each other's first names. 'Cause, when you're on a horse and your riding quickly across the skies, you don't have to talk to each other. But, when you're walking...
KAREN:	Like when you get stuck walking alongside someone for a really long time—
ADAM:	You have to talk to them.
KAREN:	You have to, like, ask about each other's kids...
ADAM:	"How're you doing, Clive?" "Hrm."
KAREN:	And then they have to start talking about sports, did you see that game...
ADAM:	"What was he thinking? Trying to run the ball into the net?" "Oh, that's the Arsene Wenger philosophy, I'm afraid." (chuckles to himself)

July 26 2011

"Don't tell me how to do my job. Or I'll go to your place of work and slap that cock out of your mouth!"

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"Such a pretty pony... The fucker bites! Take out it's teeth, and give him rubber ones instead."

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Karen's notes: These two are both from the nest-egg. That second one's from all the way back to our honeymoon at the Elephant sanctuary, where there was, in fact, a crazy pony.

July 25 2011

"It's too quiet in here. Make some noise. Preferably, the cheering for me kind of noise. Yeah, that's better."

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"Fuck monkeeeeeeey... Dish it out! Noodle style."

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And here's Adam's awakening (in response to me softly stroking his head), followed by a thoughtful comparison of our respective vernaculars:

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STM:	MOLE!
KAREN:	Which kind of mole, the animal, or the thing on your skin?
ADAM:	I don't know what you're talking about. It was a manimal.
KAREN:	A manimal?
ADAM:	Yeah. Flopped onto my head.
KAREN:	A mole flopped onto your head?
ADAM:	I was in a cave, and it must have been burrowing, and it fell from the roof of the cave. I need to pee, really badly.
KAREN:	Okay, go pee.
ADAM:	I'm so tired, I may just pee here.
KAREN:	Do you realize you say "pee" instead of "wee" now?
ADAM:	It sounds nicer.
KAREN:	I like it better, actually.
ADAM:	I've been saying "poop"
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Poop! Poop!
KAREN:	Pooooop!
ADAM:	Poop pooooop!
KAREN:	Yeah, it's like being on a nice train.
ADAM:	Poop train's pulling out of the station!
KAREN:	Oh no! I think I might have to put this conversation on the blog.
ADAM:	I've got a one-way ticket on the poop train!

July 24 2011

"Goddamnit, I'm gonna have to double brown bag your fucking ugly face now."

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"My moose don't moo. It's a mute moose. I am not amused."

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Check out that alliteration. How very Dr. Seussian. Incidentally, there appears to be a pattern emerging here. Cast your mind back to June 4.

July 23 2011

"Do it. Do it like a bear. All claws and cute little ears. Yeah, all that good furry stuff. Grrrr."

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"Oh! Oh, no no. Vegetables don't trip the light fantastic. They make accents of colour on a plate full of meat."

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July 22 2011

"I am simply far too busy being passive aggressive to give a shit about you."

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"Respect the librarian. They're the keymasters of bookish power. Heed these words, or I kick you in the nuts."

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July 21 2011

"Yeah, I like you. 'Cause you're rich and generous."

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"Be still, my little jelly boat. You're giving the rest of the crew seasickness. Calm yourself. We've got a whole journey to wobble through."

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These are jelly boats, occasionally made by Adam's mother for the kids: It's jell-o set in orange skins. Aren't they adorable?

July 20 2011

"What's so sweet about you, Mr. Nectarine? You bald fucker. (evil chuckle)"

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Sounds like STM is just trying to stir up trouble between Mr. Nectarine and Mr. Peach.

"Are we talking about one o'clock chicken or six o'clock chicken? 'Cause six o'clock chicken is keeping it real. Yeah, it is."

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Adam said this while I was in the States. When I asked if he had any clue what it meant he told me that he had spent a long time the day before debating whether he'd have chicken for lunch or for dinner. I guess dinner won out.

July 19 2011

"Leave my gnomes alone. They're MY gnomes, living in MY house, doing MY gardening, and they're happy. Look at their fucking smiley faces. Can't you see how frickin' happy they are? Who are you to judge me?! Go on, gnome, cut the grass. Good gnome. Good gnome."

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July 18 2011

"How do blind people know they're done wiping? How?"

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A very good question STM raises. Do we have any blind readers out there who would care to illuminate?

"Argh! You love my boat! It's the best splashy splashy time anyone can have. I'll slit your throat for a gold coin. Argh! Argh, argh. Splishy splashy time."

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Ah, the Dread Pirate STM has returned.

July 17 2011

"Oh, that's it, I found the secret project: Baby bat-faced donkey ears will be mine!"

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Any guesses as to the purpose of this secret government project?

"Today you're special. But tomorrow's a new day, and I need you to be new special. Yeah."

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Karen's notes: I'm finally back with my Sleep Talkin' Husband. Starting tonight, I get to hear his pearls of wisdom in real time again!

July 16 2011

"Oh, there are some noises that really bug the shit out of me. Your talking... and your breathing."

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"I said paint it green. Green! Not— what colour is that? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Not pretty."

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July 15 2011

"What are YOU looking at? Yeah? What wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable wombat?"

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"No, no. Don't stop. Don't stop. Pick your fucking face off."

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Okay, this one is clearly aimed at me. I have a horrible habit of rubbing and picking at my lips, which Adam is always trying to get me to stop.

July 14 2011

"That's what I like about you. You're a reliable disappointment."

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And in honor of Bastille Day:

"I'll tell you what's wrong with this country: Our proximity to France!"

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And here we have STM's moan of desperation in response to the sonorous snoring of Molly the little beagle:

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July 13 2011

"You really are two I-don't-cares short of a fuck-off."

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"It's a fruit basket. Bloody useless. It rots after a few days, and everything it holds gets all gooey. Looks pretty, though. My fruit basket."

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Ha ha ha. Get it?

And here we have another set of those bizarre sounds:

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July 12 2011

"You know, it would be easier to kill the vegetarians than invite them to dinner. Bloody fucking lentils. LENTILS!"

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"Happy fucking birthday. Whoopee! You've finally grown into your bra size and your IQ, all in one go. Well done. Aren't you clever."

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I had a bit of a struggle with this one. To me, it sounded like STM was actually complimenting someone, that they had a bra size and IQ beyond their years. But Adam think he's saying that, for example, they are turning 32, which is also their bra size and their IQ. Knowing STM, I suspect Adam's got it right.

July 11 2011

"Put Mr. Squidly down! How DARE you try and milk him! Come on, Mr. Squidly. Let me put you back in your tank. Aw, it's okay. Why don't you hug my arm. Yeah, use all your little tentacles. There there. Everything's gonna be okay. He's only a douche."

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Poor Mr. Squidly.

July 10 2011

"You opened the pickle jar didn't you? Yeahhh. You're gonna take over the world, aren't you? Yeahhhh. You rugged son of a bitch."

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Yup, pretty sure STM is looking at himself in the mirror on this one.

"Take the crayons away from the doodlebugs. They'll draw over everything! Messy little fuckers."

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Of course, we have no idea if STM was referring to this kind of doodlebug:



or this kind:




Although Adam swears he only knows about the latter. Funny guy.

July 9 2011

"I swear. Students: they're the most intelligent fucking morons in the world. Dickheads."

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I dedicate that one to all of the university professors out there.

"I'm here. Always have been. Lurking. Like a ninja, just without the deadly tools of trade. I'll cut you with my words, though."

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Karen's notes: I'm back in the States (again!), so posts will be going up US-morning-time for the next week and a half.

July 8 2011

"The only thing that would make you less attractive to me right now, is if you'd be covered in vagina chunder."

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Real nice, STM.

"Seriously: now is not the time for flippy-floppies."

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I can definitely explain this one. Last night, Adam and I watched this



and then this



and finally this.




Later, Adam was trying to get romantic with me, but I kept dissolving into giggles over "flippy-floppies".

July 7 2011

"I smell because I'm a PENGUIN and I eat FISH, doofus!"

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"At what point in this conversation do you think it's going to go better for you? Seriously. Yup yup yup yup, neither did I. Goodbye."

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July 6 2011

"I've got something I've wanted to give you for a really long time. Now, be still, here it is: It's a faceful of knuckles, you piece of scummy shit."

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These next two clips were from the early stage of the night. Note how, the first time, he seems to actually wake up in the middle of our exchange, having no idea that he has been talking to me. I don't know which I find funnier, his indignant insistence, or his pathetic whimpering.

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ADAM:	(out of the dead silence) Baby! Baby!
KAREN:	Hmmm? What?
ADAM:	Come here.
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	Come here.
KAREN:	What? What?
ADAM:	(with sudden surprise) Wha?
KAREN:	What is it?
ADAM:	What's wrong? You called me.
KAREN:	No, Baby, I didn't.
ADAM:	Why d'you wake me up?
KAREN:	I didn't.
ADAM:	You called me!
KAREN:	I didn't.
ADAM:	(whimpers)

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ADAM:	(again, out of nowhere) You woke me up again.
KAREN:	Hmm?
ADAM:	You woke me up again.
KAREN:	Mmm-mmm.
ADAM:	You did! You did the same thing!
KAREN:	Hmm?
ADAM:	You did the same thing. You tapped me on my back and then you said my name until I was awake.
KAREN:	Mm?
ADAM:	So shush.

July 5 2011

"Wait, what's wrong? Is it your face? Well it should be your face!"

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"No, I can't come to the office today. My gorilla fetish has been taken to a whole new level. I have to work from home."

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Given the abundance of Adam's body hair, that's really something I should be saying.

July 4 2011

"Recognition? You want recognition? Hmm... dog-faced, dumb-fuck spawn, boil-infested arse! How's that for recognition, cunt cheese?"

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Listen to this craziness: Adam said this in his sleep last week. But the batteries had died in the recorder some time before, so I missed it. A few nights later, Adam said this, word-for-word, again. But the amazing thing is that I had NEVER TOLD Adam about it. I never told him what he'd said, I never mentioned him that I'd missed recording something at all! It's like STM knew that this little gem had never gotten it's due attention, so he gave it another try.

"You panicked, and you ate it? Oh shit! Where am I gonna find twelve more of those little furry critters? Don't panic again!"

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July 3 2011

"Life's a test. And you failed where it said 'name here'."

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"I want three points and a space, not four points... you raw piece of slow-cooked fucking sewage."

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I suppose STM was talking about an ellipsis? So, he wants "... " rather than "...."

July 2 2011

"Here we go gentlemen, two pints of beer. And for the ladies, penis pie. Enjoy."

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"So you wanna lose some weight. Well, why don't you use your fucking brain for once. That's bound to burn up a few calories."

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July 1 2011

"There's two things that have gotta happen before I consider kissing you: suck my hairy love nuts, and fuck off! ...Okay, I've considered it, and the answer's no."

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"Nun nun nun, nun nun nun, nun, nun nun... I punched a nun. Nun nun nun, nun nun..."

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