Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)

20100115

Jan 14 2010

"If I wanted to see a long nose and a big ass, I'd look at a horse."

"Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows!"

"You can't be a pirate if you haven't got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."

"We haven't got a plank. Just fucking jump."

"Yes I'm sad, but if you stood further away, I'd be happier. No, further away. Well, let's face it, just fucking CUNT OFF! Thank you, I appreciate it."

"Don't jump on me!"


Karen's note: I dedicate the apparent pirate theme of last night's ramblings to our good friend Nikesh Shukla-- songwriter, author, and pirate enthusiast.

AND, we were just on BBC London Radio! Skip ahead to 1:33:00.

147 comments:

  1. Did he live in the USA for a while as it's weird the language used is very un-English. Freaky!

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  2. haha pirate night it is :)

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  3. haha.. pirates were obviously a big part of his thoughts last night!!
    Tracey from QLD, Australia.

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  4. this is seriously the funniest blog i've ever read... thank you so much for this. It really brightened up my crappy day :-D

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  5. this is so AWESOME!!

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  6. @Stevie: Funny, because I'm from the US & I think he sounds English & not American at all!

    This blog is hysterical.

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  7. I'm amused that you can even understand him! lol My friend does the same thing and I can't understand anything.

    It's pretty funny listening to them though!

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  8. You know ,I'm english, And I think he sounds perfectly "english-y" XD

    Although, he does sound like a bit of a prick in his dreams.

    These always bring a smile, thanks!

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  9. The pain. The terrible, horrible pain from laughter.....

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  10. Best. Blog. Ever.

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  11. Better than double espresso!! Have a good day folks!

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  12. I'm English and I would say 'ass' and 'butt' are very much American expressions. We would say 'aRse' and 'bum'. I guess living over there you are bound to pick their slang though.

    By the way Mrs Sleep Talkin Man, your blog was mentioned on a major UK radio station this morning so expect lots more readers!

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  13. This is such a fantastic blog. He does sound English (I am from the UK) but there do seem to be a few Americanisms slipping in here and there. I imagine these are even funnier in the lovely British accent.

    www.ameliais.blogspot.com

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  14. My partner once started thumping me in the chest in the middle of the night saying 'kill the vapire, kill the vampire'.... freaked me out at first. Turned out he watched a Buffy marathon before coming to be. Not impressed!

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  15. Not only a major UK radio station, but also a major Australian online news site! Fabulous stuff!

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  16. also it was mentioned in the sun newspaper over here in the UK. love this so funny, oh I am English and I use the words butt and ass.

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2806514/Sleep-Talkin-Man-a-viral-hit.html

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  17. Yay - more hilarity!! I was telling my daughter about your blog today and how insanely crazy and funny and addictive STM's sayings are. It reminded her of her sleeptalking friend whose husband regularly wrote down her ramblings, the most memorable of which was "Watch out - here come the elephants! Grab the watermelons!!"
    Love your blog - hopefully STM won't grow out of it any time soon :)
    Cheers, Annette in Australia

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  18. this is the funniest SH1T I have ever read. I cannot believe this is real, yet I do. If you're going to have insomnia, at least it 's with entertainment. Can't wait for more!

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  19. never in my life have i read something so funny. honey, your husband is a treasure trove!!! thank you so much for sharing, its hysterical xD. btw, an ex-boyfriend once did this, he said to me quite desperately 'We need to find the Kings underpants!!!' oh boy did i enjoy teasing him about that xD

    Christine - Michigan, USA

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  20. Very funny. I'm addicted, I can't wait for more!

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  21. Im a HUGE fan already and have sent the link to everyone I know. STM is a legend.

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  22. ROTHFLMAO Is he this agro in real life :D

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  23. Can you please...PLEASE do videos of these? You have no idea how many millions of views they'd get on youtube. Set up a cheap standard definition camera for when he sleeps, put on some sort of sound activation and let the fun start :D

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  24. My Sister saw this in the paper yesterday and said it sounded like me!! lol, I can't see how. Please please get the videos up ;p

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  25. I've never heard the phrase "Cunt Off" before...but I'm stealing it.
    My husband doesn't normally talk in his sleep...he just "agrees" a lot...UM HMM UM HMM. It sounds like whomever he's talking to has some particularly great ideas. I much prefer the UM HMM's to his nightly snoring...but your man sounds so much more fun.
    Great blog...congrats on all of the new and impending fame....and I agree with the comment above...you should definately video tape!!!!

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  26. is he sleeping yet? lol.. this blog is fantastic!

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  27. The pirate ones are solid gold. Thanks for sharing this with us. The site is catching like wildfire!

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  28. Crying with laughter, seriously the funniest thing I have ever read! PURE GENIUS!

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  29. This is the Best thing in my life at the minute!! i love it thank you for bringing a smile to my face and getting me out of bed in the morning!!

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  30. This is brilliant! Heard about it in the UK paper The Sun yesterday and had to have a look. Me and the other half were in stitches!!!

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  31. Love this blog........Comedy Genius....

    I once talked in my sleep about chasing the childs cartoon character 'Dora The Explorer' and then went on some random description of her....apparatently, my partner then asked me to repeat what I said....and I did, word-for-word.

    I then woke to find her sitting up in bed in fits of uncontrollable laughter!

    She has nicknamed me 'Dora' ever since!

    Keep up the good work, this is priceless stuff!

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  32. Love it. Got a mention on my Breakfast show (community radio in Sunderland, Spark FM)

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  33. I too am a new follower and these are absolutely CLASSIC! I LOVE THEM...never stop posting them! Your eyes are fat....LOLOLOLOLOL

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  34. I LOVE THESE. Sometimes I just read and think, "I wish I could SEE this guy's dreams!"
    I started following this blog about a week ago, and last night it was mentioned on BBC Radio 2! Amazing stuff :) Keep talking! x

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  35. You got a good write up in the London Evening Standard last night - it was the best story they have published in years!

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  36. LOL... really brightened up my day.. I remember my brother once yelled while sleeping that he shouldn't be disturbed because he's saving the world and then he threw his shoe across the room... Keep up the good work :D Greetings from Estonia!

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  37. GENIOUSNESS!!!!
    I have been known to walk and talk in my sleep, but what I say is all mumblings or if I say something clear, it is in an unknown language... But this is pure gold!!!
    I was wondering.... I would say it is to personal to put in recordings of him in his sleep here, but jusst to be able to put a voice to the phrases, can you get your husband to record a greeting or something and post it on here.... I would love to be able to hear his voice, think it might even add to the comedy :)
    Keep up the good work!

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  38. LOVE this blog! I can't wait to get on the laptop after doing the school run and read what STM has been saying in the night! It really cheers me up!

    My husband once cried whilst sleeping (he'll love me for sharing) so once I woke him up and reassured him that everything was ok he told me that the reason he was crying was because Superman had died (this was before Christopher Reeve had died)! Hilarious!

    His dreams are even funnier....he once dreamt that he was getting married to the Statue of Liberty and all the wedding guests were Yorkshire Puddings!!! Hahaha

    Anyway, looking forward to more sleep talkin!! x

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  39. There doesn't seem to be an RSS feed for this? I demand an RSS feed! ... Please

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  40. Absolutely Pure Genius.........Love It...........Never Laughed So Much In My Life................

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  41. David, feed is here: http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

    Not sure why there's not a link to it though. :-/

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  42. Thanks for the laughs every morning! Love this Blog!
    JCP from Baltimore, MD

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  43. i found this blog through a german web-tv-show and this totally made my day, big thanks karen & adam.
    today morning i woke up and yelled "pasta cake* ?!" and then burst into laughter the very next moment, because i had to think of this blog!

    *which was the favourite flavour of praliné of a person in my dream!!

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  44. This blog is bloody brilliant. I'd be intrigued to meet your husband, both awake and asleep (if that doesn't sound a bit wrong!)

    His imagination must be absolutely brilliant.

    Keep it coming!

    And I totally agree with a commenter on another post, those who don't like it or don't believe it don't have to read it. I love it and will continue to!

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  45. As hilarious as this all is, it would be much more believable if it were recorded on video camera. My husband thinks this is all done to make money!! I still find it funny, even if it isn't real. :)

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  46. ive jst listened to it on the radio!!
    hehe!

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  47. I love waking up to this. Please keep doing it, I piss myself laughing reading this blog all the time.

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  48. I now have all my colleagues addicted to this blog and all my friends. I have a link on facebook too. I sign in daily for updates and get so disappointed if he has a 'quiet night'. Keep feeding him cheese and coffee for restless nights and massive blogs. lol

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  49. My partner and I have loved finding this blog, the sad thing is we talk like this when we are awake! Good luck for your t-shirt business and all!

    Keep dreaming the dream and typing the type!

    Cathi x

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  50. "We haven't got a plank. Just fucking jump." Seriously awesome quote. I love pirate stuff (old-school, not the jerks they call "pirates" these days).....
    By the way, in addition to posting you on my Facebook account, and my website, I let the Toronto (Canada) radio station 102.1 The Edge know about you. This is just too awesome to keep to myself!

    Hey people stop bugging them to post video/audio..... would YOU want the world to see you sleeping and muttering things in your subconscious? Seriously. Use your imagination, that's part of what makes it so funny! :D

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  51. Just curious, and maybe this is a question asked and anwered before, but have you ever shown a psychiatrist these comments? Might be interesting to hear what a professional has to say!! Also might be interesting to take note of food eaten on each day. See if there's a link between diet and dream content!!

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  52. Dont listen to the odd fool being mean - this is a hilarious blog, keep it up LOL.

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  53. I think your blog is very funny, and the shirts a good idea. I have a gift blog, and I decided to feature both Sleeptalkin' Man and the shirt today. Check it out: http://www.findatoad.com/. And good luck with everything.

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  54. And it just keeps getting better...
    Keep it up guys!

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  55. I check your site every morning now, just to see what craziness Adam said the night before! It's the perfect way to start my day!

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  56. This blog is fantastic! Most people talk in their sleep (I myself apparantly said "stop asking me if I want water! I don't want anything to drink!" just last week), but I've never heard of any one who says so much and doesn't even remember a thing! This blog is a my new favorite! Hope Adam never stops sleep talkin!

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  57. Hello,

    I think this blog is funny but i dont think it is real. If this is true your hubby is swearing and pissed off every night. He's also insulting people in his dream. And that almost every night. Thats a bit strange ;) he has smart ass comments every night haha c'mon.
    Anyway i still love it doesnt matter if its real or not.
    Greetings from Holland!

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  58. I love your blog! And thanks for the american translations! Still looking for fizzy fish! ;)

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  59. this is absolutely hillarious... and damn good medicine for a bad day.

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  60. we are also featuring you on vibe fm on the costa blanca, on the vibe drive show, but we have to be careful which ones we read out, www.vibespain.com
    havent laughed that much in ages, many thanks..Richie sparks

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  61. OMG! My hubby needs a shirt with that plank quote - please?

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  62. i would also buy a t-shirt with the "we haven't got a plank..." love y'all, for real!

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  63. Rather brilliant the way your hubby can think up such excellent put-downs IN HIS SLEEP...

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  64. Oh how Portland, Oregon would LOVE the quote about beards being a must!

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  65. I totally love this blog!! It was very nice listening to you guys on the radio! I wish my boyfriend was a STM!! I'm learning a lot of slang too! Greetings from Spain, A.H.

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  66. My husband is exactly the same... last night he wrote his own song and sung very loudly saying.... washy washy... issy isssy... I am f****g star

    Followed up by.... get away from me, you are uglier than the worst halloween card!

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  67. he's right. you can't be a pirate without a beard. a clean-shaven seafaring thief is technically just a buccaneer.

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  68. This is dynamite stuff. Uncontrollably laughing at my desk... I think I've frightened half the office. Everyone's now looking at me as though I need psychiatic help. Cheers. Keep it up.

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  69. My husband thinks that it is made up, said it's all over the top and not that funny.......I would have to disagree it is funny but could be made up, you should post a video of him!!!!

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  70. this site has become a daily hit for me, and it's grown ridiculously fast amongst my friends. The quotes are all so surreal, but ludicrously well formulated, with a comic metre that just puts you an the floor every time. It's like the Mighty Boosh on acid...
    Thank you

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  71. Going viral as a text blog, great work! You've really got to figure out the best way to do video. That will really blow this whole thing out of proportion (hello, talk shows)!

    Best of luck with everything!

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  72. I don't care if it is made up, nor do I require a video, if you've got any sort of imagination it is funny.

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  73. Hilarious.....I love original stuff, or at least stuff that's new and stimulating to ME.....you are too funny. I love it. Please keep blogging!

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  74. If no one has mentioned this before, there are a couple of CD's of another somniloquist - Dion McGregor. The CD's I am familiar with are: "Dion McGregor Dreams Again" and "Dion McGregor - The Further Somniloquies Of." Surreal funny stuff. If you do record your spouse's somniloquies I hope you'll consider making them available for sampling!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for mentioning! My Torpor Vigil label recently released another compilation of McGregor's somniloquies called Dreaming Like Mad with Dion McGregor:
      https://dionmcgregor.bandcamp.com/releases
      Steve Venright

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  75. I've tried for years to get my wife to remember things I say at night. I talk in my sleep a LOT as well.

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  76. haha this blog is hilarious :)

    please anyone check out my blog

    www.lauraelmes.blogspot.com

    just random funny stories from my life. :)

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  77. Ha ha... check you out. Managed to miss my point completely and resorts to name calling. Well done.

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  78. Read about you in yesterday's Evening Standard - funniest stuff I've ever seen, and you have restored my faith in the internet! Oh, and I say "C*nt off" too... Am hooked! xx

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  79. Absolutely pissed myself laughing reading the blog last night,quality stuff.

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  80. Can't help thinking that either your husband actually hates you, or he's pulling your leg, or there is another 3rd explanation.. it's both of the above!

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  81. WE WANT VIDEO!!! Or at least audio!! PLEEEEEASE!!!! I love this blog, it kills me everyday!! baaaahahahahahaha!!

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  82. can I marry him? I need a laugh! Love your husband. He rocks! Kind of wish mine did that!! x

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  83. I dont care..real or not.. but I think it is...it made me laugh out loud and thats an excellent thing to do! x

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  84. I totally know what you are going through. My boyfriend talks in his sleep all the time. I wish I would have thought to write about him instead of my blogging ventures... anyway, I will keep reading to find out more. HE is halarious!

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  85. You were featured in the AROUND THE WEB segment on the WGN Chicago morning News show today!

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  86. This blog Makes me soo happy!! Love checking it each day to see what wacky thing he'll say next! Please Please Please keep it up!!! Thank you so much! Jenn, Florida

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  87. Love it love it love it!!!

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  88. Jenni, this is karen (you know who!). Thank you so much for your lovely words. In fact, everyone, a great big thank you. It has been a crazy couple of days and the thing that keeps Adam and I going is the knowledge that Adam's midnight musings seems to bring so many people such hilarity.

    Thank you so much for all of your support and kind words.

    Karen

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  89. i really enjoy following these, definitely puts a bright spot in my day. looking forward to ordering a couple shirts i have my eye on. i think you've started a new trend!

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  90. thank you! thank you! thank you! Absolutley outstanding.

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  91. hahahahahaha brilliant! keep it up!

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  92. It's absolutely hilarious and precious :) I will follow! Just so You know, You are already in Poland, Spain, Brazil,Canada...that's from what I know and I make sure You get further :D

    Not many people get to become famous sleeping... Good job :)

    Best from Oxford!

    Magda

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  93. I don't care if it is real or not, it's brilliant. I can't get myself to stop laughing

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  94. OMG this stuff is BRILLIANT! Posted to facebook so others can enjoy. Keep it up.

    If you need some help Shipping your shirts please check out

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  95. funniest blog I have read in while!! i needed this....

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  96. I've been in tears laughing from these amazingly random & insanely funny little nuggets, thank you so much for sharing!
    I have my own occasional sleep-talkin' little man, he's four, and often very hostile in his sleep as well, but without the extensive profane vocabulary thank God!
    I think I'll start a personal diary of his best, and worst, sleep talking just to share with him as he grows up!
    Awesome!! Keep it up!
    Sher

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  97. Hahah! *breathes* I love these and I even woke my husband up this a.m. when I was reading because I was laughing so hard (office is downstairs from the bedroom). He joined me in reading and we laughed so hard we disturbed both the cats (they glared and then ran away). The husband mumbles a bit in his sleep sometimes and I once caught him chuckling but nothing as amusing as this!

    My fav so far is the kitten one...we've been repeating "I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"throughout the day. :D

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  98. ahaha.. is he funny in waking life? Or deadpan?

    Also... read my blog http://maddymad-hatter.blogspot.com/

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  99. SO cool to hear your voices! Now I have a better idea of what he sounds like! Awesome stuff! :]

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  100. this is too funny! one time my cousin said "disoriented chickens are out there" in his sleep.
    http://blabbershack.blogspot.com/

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  101. I'm hooked and I check this out every day now. Just heard you on the BBC breakfast radio show and I am just curious where Karen is from. I would guess the northeast or to narrow it down, New England?

    Mike from Boston's North Shore

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  102. this is the funniest thing ive ever seen!(:
    AWEEEEEEEEEEEEEESOME!

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  103. u have made me piss myself, this has to be the funniest stuff i have ever heard

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  104. ha, i love this. wonderful idea for a site.. reminds me of the time my ex called me and woke me up and i told her "The horses are eating that mans bagels. Meet me in the plaza" i have no idea what i was dreaming about but i had to have been awesome.

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  105. thank you for brightening my day! i hate that people are questioning the authenticity of this, but of course with any sort of success, there will be haters. keep it up, its hilarious!

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  106. Haha! This is hilarious. I have a sleep talker at home as well, never thought of providing the world with an insight.

    Awesome Blog, keep it up!

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  107. OMG! My friend just sent me this link about a half an hour ago and my body hurts from laughing so hard! Please keep this blog up!

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  108. My ship...my rules...what a classic!! Who needs Jack Sparrow when u got Sleeptalking Man? LOL

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  109. The "My ship, MY rules" quote and "We haven't got a plank" quote _have_ to make it as t-shirts. I'd love to skipper my boat with those shirts on.

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  110. Hahahaha!!! "My boat, my rules". I wonder if there was a "no girl's allowed" sign on board as well.

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  111. Congrats on the radio spot guys? Awesome.

    Also, "butt cheeks ahoy" is one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. XD

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  112. Thank you! THANK YOU! Thank you! This made me laugh so hard and I laugh all the time! I laughed so hard I had to double over and hold my stomach (I am just getting over a stomach virus and I am still kinda ouchy)...but I DON'T CARE! This is worth the pain of stomach cramps! So funny, I forwarded it to lots of people. You guys are AWE-SOME :) So awesome, I can barely deal with it ;)

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  113. Steve - St. Louis, MO USA19 January 2010 at 22:03

    I Love this - makes me laugh each day. Make sure life stays calm so that he will give us more at night.
    Sounds just like my friend Lee on his boat "....my boat, my rules".

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  114. OMG this is sooooooooooooooo funny! I've been laughing so hard tears were squirting out of my eyes!
    We are building a 35' sailboat in our back yard so I am definately buying my hubby the "my boat my rules" t-shirt! And please, please, please add: "We haven't got a plank. Just fucking jump." to your t-shirt list and I will buy that one too!

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  115. Couldn't stop laughing about the plank. Haven't laughed that hard in ages. Bought tee shirts for my brothers for birthdays and penguin vampires... for my son. Thank you for sharing

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  116. I think "Butt cheeks ahoy!" is about to become the new battle cry for gay men everywhere XD

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  117. Awesome! You are the funniest!

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  118. "We haven't got a plank. Just jump" is my #1 favorite.

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  119. Absolutely side splitting! I hate everyone I work with. May I use a few of these?

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  120. Please! Please! Please! Make this one a t-shirt?? "We haven't got a plank. Just fucking jump." That is hysterical. I laugh every time I think about it. I saw lentels in the store the other day and found myself laughing out loud. So, so, so funny. :-) Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
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  122. Fake or not!!!! They are funny!!!! They are a little different than the balloon guy. Comparing the two is like comparing a badger to an elephant with a thong.

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  123. you know what stm karen,, i think it is - a lot of the time- made up and he is awake during the recordings, but even if it is fake, ITS STILL FUNNY

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  134. SO FUNNY!!!!
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  137. Japanese used cars are easy to maintain dan spare parts are inexpensive.

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