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Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Dec 29 2009

"It's CHICKEN and you LIKE IT. Lentil-loving, bean burger-shitting wanker."

"Vegetarians will be the first to go. That's my plan. Vegans haven't got a hope. 'I eat air, I'm so healthy...' Bollocks!"

"Put it down! Step away from the yam. Step away!"

"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."


Dec 26 2009

"Being in the same room with you makes me want to suck the pus out of a rancid nasty rectum."

"Do you like what you see? No? Well, bloody look harder. Strain your eyes!"

"I've got a really terrible terrible feeling about this custard tart. Terrible."

"Peeing standing up rules!"


Dec 25 2009

"I don't want to watch. I want to get my hands dirty, all the way up to my shoulder. Filthy."

"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"


Dec 24 2009

[suddenly, upon waking] "Stop the panther!"


Dec 23 2009

"I'm all blue with gravy spots. And I'm proud of it."

"Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun."


Dec 21 2009

"My snorkle! My snorkle! Judge won't like it if I don't have my snorkle! You PLANT it... Don't want baby snorkles."

"I'd like to tell you what a wonderful person you are. But that would make me a septic gash of a cunt who quite frankly had no concept of right or wrong."

"Ooh! My balls are itchy. Have you got the cheese grater?"

"Awesome. Teddy bears bungie jumping."


Dec 18 2009

"Since when did my underwear look good on you? Take it off. Take it off your face."

"You know, you're not some precious flower. And if you were I'd be a weed and grow next to you and choke you to fucking death!... Love you!"

"Dance for me, go on. Oh you were! I thought you were having a spaz attack..... Doofus."

[in response to wife typing] "clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop... Who brought a horse in the bedroom? Oh well. Looks like I'm sleeping in the barn."

"I'm better than Superman. He's just a cunt.... in underpants."

Wife's note: In support of my suspicion that Adam is actually a different person in these moments, when I told him in the morning what he had said, my English husband responded, "What's a 'doofus'?" Yikes.


Dec 17 2009

"I demand compensation in cola bottles. Lots of fizzy cola bottles. In one lump sum."

"Don't eat the jelly! Don't eat the jelly! I made it with frog wee. It'll turn your teeth green... Like mini apples."

Wife's note: In England, jelly = jell-o


Dec 13 2009

"Of course the zombie loved me. She gave me her heart. Mmmmm-hmmm. And her hand in marriage."



Dec 7 2009

"Put the lobster down. Put it down!"

"Well if I'm the douchebag, you're the contents, Titfuck!"

"Oh, we're going to be late for the pogo ballet, stop it!"

"You keep looking at the sun until your eyes dry up like raisins and fall out of your skull."

"Bum shite"


Dec 4 2009

"Robots making sweets? But they've got no taste buds! Metal smarties."

"Look at you up there on your pedestal. I bet you're proud of yourself.... Twat."

"I love you! No I didn't say it I didn't say it I didn't say it. I coughed.... MMM-hmmm, coughed."


Dec 3 2009

"Wait... wait... I know what it feels like to be like you: Shit."


Nov 30 2009

"You can't be serious. Two snoozes?! (chuckles) Bollocks."

"My brother calls you a cunt. Not me. I didn't do it. My BROTHER did."


Nov 21 2009

"This fish has got big floppy lips. Floppy lips. Fishy kissy fishy kissy. Oop, took one on the mouth! Not nice."


Nov 19 2009

"Look at me, I'm covered in.... what is it? Ewwwww. That's not nice."

"Look at the size of your bath. I can pee in it and you'd never notice."

"I feel seasick."

"Well fuck you and your rocky rocky rocky rocky bollocks!"

"Now I need to pee, so what're you going to do about that........fuckhead!"

(in response to wife's typing) "pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter"


Nov 18 2009

"So many spoons. You can't have any. Cock off!"


Nov 16 2006

"I've got two things to say to you: fuck and off. Capish?"

"Don't talk to me like that. I'm just gonna throw up in your face. Eat the carrots."


Nov 14 2009

"Of course I've always loved music. YOURS makes me want to poo my pants."


Nov 13 2009

"Yeah, I've got custard in my pants."

"Hey I know you, but I don't like your face. Take it off... That's much better, much better."

"Give me back my hands! Limb thief!"

"Your hands are all fingery fingery."

"Boing!" [in response to beep from wife's computer.]


Nov 8 2009

"Yah, I can't believe in God when I'm THIS good."

"WHHOOOoooooooooooo... falling down.............. plop."


Nov 4 2009

"I've got a badger, a dog, a cat, and a sack. Now that I've got 'em you can fuck off. All mine."

"Wibbly-wobbly train."

"Yeah. Don't forget to dry-clean the baby."


Nov 1 2009

"Big pig. Massive oink. Little curly tail."


Oct 31 2009

"Is it me, or has the ground gone to jelly? Fun. I can bounce... Bounce... Fun."

"So this is what it feels like to be a gummy bear... I can't walk though, I have to rock... I think i'll call myself BerNARD. Not BERnard. BerNARD. And I'll be a golden gummy bear."

"Stupid fucking fizzy fish. Never liked them. Have some of that, you sugar-coated cunts."

[suddenly grabs wife's wrist] "Stop! Stop! Whooooaaah.... Okay!" [lays back down]

Wife's note to the Americans out there: Keep in mind that Adam's final insult to those poor fizzy fish has a different feel here in the UK.


Oct 30 2009

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I am not very happy. Bollocks! Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear."

"Look. Look at my left foot. Look at my left foot. Smack you in the face!"

"Look out! Marshmallows!"


[upon waking] "Bright lights!"


Oct 26 2009

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a fucking retard. Really."

[in a cute, sing-song voice] "Time to bounce your face off the waa-aall."


Oct 23 2009

[quite suddenly, upon waking] "Click!"


Oct 18 2009

"You spin me. You spin me round and round. Stop spinning me!"

"Yeah. Yeah. Fly me. Fly me...... far away and then fuck off."

"Mmhmm. Eat my crap shit-for-brains!"

Oct 11 2009

[with disgust] "Stupid fucking fishcakes."

Wife's note: This gem of wisdom was uttered while Adam dozed next to me on the sofa one evening. I was Skyping with our good friend Russ at the time, so I have a witness.

Oct 8 2009

"Give me one good reason why not."

"Iiiiii'm gonna poke you in the eye."

"You shouldn't say things like that. my breath can kill."

"Sigh of a ninja."

"It's definitely time to get up. Yes. My dog needs a new tutu."

"I love the fact you're a moose. Yes. So soft, so soft."

Oct 7 2009

[quite suddenly, upon waking] "Get the python!"

Oct 4 2009

"Yeah right. Poo stains."

[matter-of-factly] "Ouch."

"Where do you think YOU'RE going, hmmm?  I knew it. The cupboard. You and your cupboard."

"Stupid cocksucker."

Oct 2 2009

"It had legs."

"Yeah, you lay down, I'll get the tennis racket."

"I don't like aubergines." [chuckles wickedly] "Yeeeeeees."

Wife's note: Yup, it's true. Adam doesn't like aubergines (a.k.a. eggplant).

Sep 25 2009

"So when's it my turn, you know?......  Goody!"

"Squishy finger. My favorite game. Yep."

Sep 17 2009

"I must declare these trousers are huuuuge....  mmmhhmmmm.... baggy."

"When did you turn into a bug? Strange."


Aug 20 2009

[while drifting off to sleep during a sensible conversation] "The plumbing doesn't help with the cucumbers anymore."

[suddenly, upon waking] "Snake!"

June 16 2009

"Consider yourself fired................ dickhead."

[with great disdain] "You asswipe."

Wife's note: I just want to restate, for the record, that Adam truly is not himself in Dreamland. For example, I'm pretty sure that my British husband has never uttered the word 'asswipe,' a distinctly American insult, in waking life.

May 4 2009

[suddenly, upon waking] "Tiger!"

March 23 2009

"Little people are FUNNY... yes, yes, yes...."

[suddenly, upon waking] "Spider!"

Feb 2 2009

"Yessss..... Sleeeeeeep......." [patting fiance's head]

"Enough with the cheese. Enough!"