Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Sep 30 2010

"(singing) Who will buy this wonderful pony? Who will buy…. NO! You can't afford it. Fuck off. My pony. Alllll mine. Come here pony! Come! COME HERE PONY! Ok, who wants to buy this pony? It's crap. Crap pony. (singing) Who will buy this wonderful pony? It's crap."

At this point, I break down and giggle.
"Not funny! It's rubbish. It'll only go away again. Go away. Bye-bye!"
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"Balls of steel! More like balls of hot, sweaty, clammy, mildewy… blech."
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(Molly the dog is snoring) "Mmmmm…. Mmmmm… Mmmm… SHOOT THE COW! Mmmm-hm. Hmm-mmm."
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Then Adam woke up...

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KAREN: (giggling)
ADAM: Oh... What?
KAREN: (singing) "Who will buy this wonderful pony..."
ADAM: I was singing?
KAREN: Mmm-hmm.
ADAM: I was singing Oliver?!
KAREN: (laughing)
ADAM: Oh dear.
KAREN: "Who will buy this wonderful pony... You can't afford it, fuck off! My pony!" And then you went through a long thing trying to call your pony. And then he wouldn't come—
ADAM: She.
KAREN: She, sorry, she wouldn't come.
ADAM: That's better.
KAREN: And then you yelled at the pony—
ADAM: How loudly?
KAREN: I should say you spoke very sternly.
ADAM: Okay.
KAREN: So then you decided that she was crap—
ADAM: He. I changed my mind.


Sep 29 2010

"Good morning! Have a great day... somewhere else."

"HEY! Just because I said I love you doesn't mean I have to buy you something expensive."

"It's a cute dress. It's your face that freakin' ruins it."

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Karen's notes: Sorry, guys, had one of my recorder mishaps for those first two.


Sep 28 2010

"Pa ta ti de, pa ti ti pa, pa tu tu pa, pa nin ti pa pam... Don't you swear at me. Penis. (giggles) You said penis! (giggles some more) Pa tu ti ta..."

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"Two hats for my bunny, please. Make 'em smart ones. He's got to look the business. And no more fucking spats, ok?"
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Karen's notes: I was utterly baffled by the gibberish, but Adam suggested that he's in a foreign language class. You know, like, amo, amas, amat...


Sep 27 2010

"That's the difference between you and me. Your heart is filled with hate, and mine is filled with kittens. Mmmm, kittens. Meow."

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Karen's notes: Meow indeed. Adam and I both slept like the dead, so this is from Friday night.

Merch reminder: There are just three days left of the free/cheap laptop sleeve promo. Details are over there ← in the news section.


Sep 26 2010

"Hey, don't creep up on me like that! Superheroes are wound super-tight."

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Karen's notes: This was in response to me hauling Molly the little beagle up into the bed.


Sep 25 2010

"You know, there's a little bit of me that is excited to see you. It- Oh. I think it died."

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"Mmm. Just lay down and close your eyes, and think of marmite. Everything will be better soon."
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And then— a first— Adam sneezed himself awake:

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KAREN: Good- good morning. Aw. You sneezed yourself awake.
KAREN: It hurt?
ADAM: Something hurts.
KAREN: Which part of you hurts?
ADAM: My head. I think I just threw my head around when I sneezed and my brain's just a little bit bruised now.


Sep 24 2010

"I know it's early, but I simply have got to let him know that if Santa doesn't bring me my X-Box, he's a dead fucking fat cunt."

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Karen's notes: Should I bother to point out here that Adam and I are Jewish?

A reminder that I haven't put out there in a while: the "c word" is a bit different here. Although it is a really profane term, it is not nearly as shocking and taboo as it is in the States (I belive this is because it is used as an insult to men, rather than to women). I know some Brits will disagree but, believe me, in the States it's an absolute jaw-dropper.


Sep 23 2010

"Stroke my good luck fish. Feel its greasy smoothness. Yeah, I think it likes you. You can hear him squeak. Weee! Weee! Weeeeeeee! He really likes you. He's a good fish. That'll do, fish. That'll do."

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This next one was suddenly yelled out into the dead-of-night silence:
"HA! Yeah, that's when I just just got up on my horse and got the fuck out of there!"
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"Choose oranges or apples. Oranges or apples. It's not a trick question. Go on, just choose… It's always the oranges with you! What is it? Why the oranges every time?!"
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In response to me holding in a sneeze:
"Ooh! I think I just saw a head explode. Hmm… Ooh! There goes another."
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And here we are in the morning, discussing the "oranges" dilemma:

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KAREN: You lured them into a false sense of it would be okay whatever they chose, and then you ridiculed them.
ADAM: Why did I offer them a choice if I knew they were going to go for oranges?
KAREN: Why didn't you just give them oranges in the first place, and then they might have had that feeling, like, when you go to a restaurant where you're a regular, and the person just says, "the usual?" You could have made them feel really good by just saying, "here, I know you'd like an orange."
ADAM: Well, I would think it may be good for them to try something different.
KAREN: We get the same two dishes from the chinese restaurant every single time.
ADAM: That's laziness. That's— that's nothing else. It's only because we—
KAREN: That's not true.
ADAM: Okay, how painful is it trying to choose from the menu? When you've found two things you really like, instead of—
KAREN: So this person found that they really like oranges.
ADAM: What happens if they're like this orange freak, okay, that everything in their life is everything about oranges, including the color orange. You know, I just wanted to throw an alternative thing into their life.
KAREN: Okay.
ADAM: I'm looking after their health. I think I'm a guardian to this person.


Sep 22 2010

"Bonne chance. Bonne chance. And now it is time for my choo-choo."

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"I like cycling, because I want everybody to stare at my arse. Mmm-hmm."
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Karen's notes: These are from our first night on the boat. Notice that there is a theme here of means of transportation, but no boat. I was lying there, waiting to see if he would reference the boat. I think STM was purposefully messing me about.

"bonne chance" = good luck, french
"choo-choo" = train, kiddie-speak (for the benefit of our non-native-English speaking readers)


Sep 21 2010

"Now this little piggy went to market. And this little piggy had roast beef. No, this little piggy had none. Because this little piggy was vegan. He doesn't eat roast beef. He's weak. He's easy catching."

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"Yeah, they're a useless crew. But at least they volunteered to be a plank. That's helpful. Very helpful."
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Karen's notes: The last three days' posts had actually been pre-sceduled by me, from the nest-egg. We were off on a lovely little holiday, cruising around the Norfolk Broads on a boat. Although he spoke of various forms of transportation while away (trains, cycling — now banked in the nest-egg), there was no talk of boats. And then last night, back in our own bed, we got that second one. I'll just point out here that the crew of the boat was me and Molly the beagle.


Sep 20 2010

"Are you trying to-... What the fuck are you doing to my mac-... You're sick. You are really sick. Here's a tissue, wipe it up. Go away."

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"Don't eat my hand. Gently.... Gently... There's a good possum. Goooood possum. I don't know what you are. Hmm."
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Sep 19 2010

"Oh. My. God. You are seriously a thrombosed external hemorrhoid on life, aren't you? Uch... Uch."

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"Has that got a flash? Great, do with a flash with that. Yeah. Very good flash. Ching, now that's what I call a flash. Right then, pants on, let's go!"
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Karen's notes: His cadence in that second one sounds very Austin Powers, doncha think?


Sep 18 2010

"I think I'll become a decimal point. Cause it's got the power to make things look small or big, all at the same time. I want to have such power. Mmmm, power."

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"Are you dead? Oh sir, are you dead? Hello? I- Oh, you're not… When's the earliest you can die?"
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Sep 17 2010

"Avert thine eyes! You're not hot enough to be looking at me."

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"You know what? Your penis is too small for your ego."
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"Don't worry about the hippos. They're just big bath babies. No. You gotta watch out for the gerbils. They'll really fuck you up."
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And then Adam fell out of bed:

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Sep 16 2010

"Oh, for fuck's sake. You'd lose your fucking arse if it wasn't in between your ears."

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"I'm better than you, 'cause I can hold shit. I got thumbs, bitch!"
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Karen's notes: Hmmm, I can't decide if Adam is being obnoxiously superior toward someone of the animal kingdom, or toward an unfortunate human who has lost their thumbs in a terrible accident.


Sep 15 2010

"Kissing's good for your health. So pucker up, Baby, I'm gonna make you live past a hundred!"

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"I'd drink diet water if they made it. But they don't. I'll drink fat water. Regular fat water."
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"Oh, you wanna turn me into a waffle, without cream? Ha. I don't think so."
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A while later, the alarm went off, and we were between snoozes. I snuggled in closer, and got this response:

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STM: It's got furniture polish built in.
KAREN: What?!
ADAM: What? Oh. I think I was having one of those dream things.
KAREN: I thought you were awake.
ADAM: I was kind of dozing.
KAREN: Yeah, yeah.
ADAM: Where's Molly? Molly! ... Hello. Oh god, she's got the worst morning breath ever.
KAREN: That's not her morning breath, that's her all-the-time breath.
ADAM: Oh god, imagine that. Uch. ... They do like being stroked, don't they?
KAREN: Well, I think so.
ADAM: They don't just lie there going, "Oh god, they're doing that thing again with their hands, for god's sake. I'll just lie here 'til he stops."
KAREN: You're wondering if centuries of humans have just totally misjudged all of dogs' actions?
ADAM: Mmm-hmm.
KAREN: Of course she loves it.
ADAM: You say that with such certainty, but look at her. She's lying there, for all intents and purposes, dead.
KAREN: She's sending me all kinds of vibes. She's sending me love vibes.
ADAM: Are you sending Mommy love vibes? (breaks into song) Love vibe Babeeeeeeee! Love vibe Baby!!


Sep 14 2010

Last night, I came up with a whole new set-up for the recorder and microphone. It was very MacGyver. I was so pleased with myself. So pleased, in fact, that I neglected to notice that the microphone had come unplugged. So, although the recorder was on all night (there's an internal mic), the quality of Adam's sleep talking audio is too poor to share. Sorry!
"Just shut up. Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit."

"I'm scared by the power of your vagina. It can control whole armies. No, nations. The world!"

"I will not die today. I won't! Go away!"

"I need food so much more than I need you right now."
I will include this discussion that the recorder mostly managed to catch, in which Adam and I explore some inspiring cinematic possibilities. My apologies for those without access to audio, it's just WAY too long to transcribe.

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Sep 13 2010

"Well, if it's good for the goose, the gander can just go suck my balls."

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Karen's notes: For those who are utterly baffled, Google, "good for the goose idiom".


Sep 12 2010

"Well there you go. The face of venereal disease."

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"Ja. Bitte schoen mein lieblich. Mit knackwurst. Mmm-hmm. Und strudel. JISM!"
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Karen's notes: Adam only said the first one last night. I threw the second one in from the nest-egg as a bonus.

For those who don't happen to understand the second one, this is Adam stringing together every german word he knows. He says, "Yes, please, my love. With sausage. Mmm-hmm. And pastry." "Jism" (slang for semen, you guys all know that, right?) is definitely NOT german.

Added a bit later: I was just reminding Adam of what he had said all that time ago, and he asked me "What's lieblich?" He had NO IDEA of having ever known that word!


Sep 11 2010

"If it wasn't for all the shit in your brain, you'd be plain stupid. Really."

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"You're nothing more than a crepe fondler. Get your sticky mitts out of my batter, and leave immediately. I mean it, go away. No, get off me. OW!"
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And the reveal (transcript below):

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Karen's notes: Adam and I had an extended debate this morning as to whether that first insult makes any sense. He tried to argue that it is a double snub, that the person on the receiving end is both really stupid and full of shit. I pointed out that, the way it is worded, he is actually saying that the person is not stupid, because their brain is full of shit. Either way, I don't think it makes sense, or is one of STM's best efforts. Thoughts?

As for that second one, you are all welcome to take a stab at translating it. I gave up.

Here's the transcript of the reveal:

KAREN: Oh, Baby. Is your hand ok?
ADAM: Can we— can we staple some pillows to the headboard please?
KAREN: Maybe we should.
ADAM: It will make my life a lot more comfortable.
KAREN: What was getting you?
ADAM: What? I don't remember.
KAREN: Okay.
ADAM: I just know that I was woken up by a sharp pain in my fingers.
KAREN: Well, I can tell you what you said very shortly before that happened. You were accusing someone of being a crepe fondler-
ADAM: A great fondler?
KAREN: Crepe fondler, and telling them to get their sticky mitts out of your batter.
ADAM: If that's a euphemism for something, then work it out for yourself.
KAREN: No, I think you— I think it was literal.
ADAM: Okay. Phew. There's nothing worse than having somebody put their fingers in your batter. Ruins the consistency.


Sep 10 2010

"I wanna put you in a snow globe. Just so I can shake it up. And shake it up. And shake it up. And shake it up. Shake it up. Give it a really good shake. Shake it some more. One more shake. Bastard."

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Karen's notes: I especially like the teeth-gritting delivery of "Give it a really good shake."

Merch update: Not surprisingly (you're all so cynical!), there was a strong cry out for "I'm losing faith in humanity...." on merch. So, shirts, mugs, nighties, and panties are now in shops!


Sep 9 2010

"I'm losing faith in humanity, one faked orgasm at a time."

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"There is just so much of me. And it's all so totally fabulous. Totally."
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At this point, our little beagle, Molly, made a rather pig-like sound, to which Adam responded,
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A few minutes later, Molly was innocently licking her paw:
(Molly licking...) "Stop licking the cheese. Every day with the licking of the cheese. Enough! (startled, Molly stops) Thank you. Cheese licker. Dirty cheese licker."
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And finally, we have this total weirdness. Adam repeated, word for word, something he said a few days ago. Listen to this:
"Be nice. Be fucking nice. Have a nice fucking day, arsehole."
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And now listen to this, from Sep 3:
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Sep 8 2010

"We gotta go get the moon. It can't be there right now. It's in the wrong place, the wrong time. We'll replace it with something far more beautiful! My face."

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Karen's notes: This one goes all the way back to our honeymoon. You can tell because, if you listen carefully, you'll hear that those crickets are chirping in Thai.

Merch PROMO: Free/nearly-free laptop sleeves! If you spend $40 or £40, you get $16/£16 off a laptop sleeve. That makes it free in the UK shop, and $2.50 in the US shop! Use coupon code FREESLEEVE when you check out (Canadians use CADFREESLEEVE).

The easiest way to find the laptop sleeves is to select the category from the right panel.


Sep 7 2010

"If I sell ice cream, I'd be king. If I sell ice cream, I'd rule the world. But I don't sell ice cream. I sell chickens. Chickens suck. They make bad milkshakes."

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And here's Adam musing about this statement, and finding his true purpose in life (transcription below):

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ADAM: It's all those feathers and beaks that gets caught up in the machinery that makes a bad milkshake. Either that, or they simply don't have the capacity for the concentration to learn how many scoops of ice cream to put in the blender and when to press the button. All they wanna do is roost and lay eggs in the van. Cause it's a mobile milkshake maker. (gasp!) The Mobile Milkshake Maker! MMM! That's a really good idea! The Mobile Milkshake Maker, MMM! No?
KAREN: It's a wonderful idea, Baby. Let's try it. Let's quit our jobs.
ADAM: Don't— Don't patronize me! It's far too early for that.


Sep 6 2010

"Vegans can be evolutionarily punished. Vegetarians, they can just suffer, for all I care."

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Karen's notes: Is STM saying that, over the next few million years, vegans will evolve into some sort of inferior, tortured species? And that we should torment vegetarians in the present? Hmmm, cryptic.


Sep 5 2010

"Whoa! Uch. You gotta be more careful when you walk into a room. With a face that's fit for radio, you should warn people first."

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"Go to sleep. It's good for you. Go to sleep... Just, close your eyes and shut up then. You know, really. Pretend."
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Karen: I had to delve into the nest-egg again. This time, Adam really didn't say anything.

About yesterday: After reading the (many many many) comments, I added an extra note to the post, in case anyone's interested.


Sep 4 2010

"It's- It's migrating. It's all going away. Watch! Watch, watch it go. Duvet doesn't like being near me anymore. Oh. Well fuck that twat of a duvet! I'll get warm somewhere else. Dozey duvet."

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Karen's notes: This is from the nest-egg. For those who don't know, a duvet is a down comforter. I know that many Americans are confused and think that a duvet is the cover that a comforter can be put into (I thought that myself), but that is actually called a duvet cover.

Adam often accuses me of stealing the duvet in the night. But I want to state that, at the time Adam said this, I looked over and he had plenty of duvet all crumpled up next to him.

Confession/Topic for debate: Now, listen, I need to be honest. Adam actually did say something last night. This is the first time ever that I have ever censored a quote. He insulted someone's singing by comparing it to a cat being sexually assaulted (in harsher language). Adam thought I was being overly sensitive on behalf of our readers, but I just couldn't put something out there making light of rape. It's not from a fear of offending anyone (I mean, seriously, look at all the shit I DO post), it was a concern for actually upsetting some people, particularly those for whom this is a very personal topic. I felt it would be irresponsible. What do you guys think? Am I being silly? Would anyone have been disturbed?

Added hours later: Wow, this has triggered a fascinating discussion in the comments.

Having read the comments, I'm definitely glad that I made the decision I did. I do see a difference between offending someone's sensibilities (as many of STM quotes might) and posting something that could hurt people.

A couple of commentors couldn't understand why, if I was choosing not to post it, I mentioned it— and the topic— at all. I think the sheer number of comments today answers that question: I think of the blog as a community, and I wanted to know what you guys thought about my dilemma. Thanks, everyone, for contributing. I've really enjoyed following the debate.


Sep 3 2010

"The world's just not as sparkly as you want it to be. We should all carry some glitter and add a little bit along the way."

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"I totally won the dance-off with my Mr. Latino Octopus. I was a blur of legs and sashaying hips. Ole! Haha!"
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"Be nice. Be fucking nice. Have a nice fucking day. Arsehole."
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"The revolution will be televised. But not on the BBC. No siree. They won't be showing any of that malarky. No no no no no… (I shift position) Oh! Wobbly."
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Karen's notes: Adam and I have this debate many mornings about which quote to post on the Facebook fan page. I always love the bizarre ones, particularly those involving animals. Adam is generally better at predicting what the Facebook fans will enjoy.

Today, he's pushing for sparkly world, but I'm a fan of Mr. Latino Octopus at the dance-off. I mean, come on, doesn't that bring up the most fabulous image of a super-suave octopus with a big black moustache and snappy shoes on each of his eight tentacle-feet?

Ah well, I trust his judgment, since— in this— he's usually right and I'm usually wrong (yes, Adam, it happens occasionally, don't get used to it).

Merch update: "If Jesus loves me" is in the shops!


Sep 2 2010

"If Jesus loves me, he can join the queue with everybody else."

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Karen's notes: "join the queue" = "get in line"


Sep 1 2010

"You are as much use as a cup full of monkey spunk at a monk's retreat. And just as pointless."

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Karen's notes: This one has been socked away in the nest-egg for a long time, just waiting for it's chance to shine. Adam said it on our honeymoon, when we were sleeping out in a mountain hut with 12 other people.