Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Aug 31 2011

(sung to the REM tune) "Everybody poops, sometimes..."

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"Will the right honorable wank stain just answer the fucking question? You smug son of a bitch."
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Sounds like STM has entered the political fray! "Right Honorable" is the title by which Members of Parliment (MPs, equivalent of Senators or Representatives) address each other.


Aug 30 2011

"Well that totally changed the atmosphere of the party. What made you bring the whisk here? What were you thinking?! Idiot."

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I can't say I fully understand why someone brought a whisk to a party, nor why it had such a dramatic effect on the ambiance. Thoughts?
"You're so special. I bet you've even got sparkles in your shit."
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Aug 29 2011

"Now remember, I've seen you naked. That shit sticks with you. You don't forget that in a hurry, I'll tell you."

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"No you can't surprise me with a catfish. Stupid."
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Aug 28 2011

"Close your eyes and pucker up. No, I'm not gonna kiss you. I just wanted you to look like a blind arsehole."

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Hey, everyone along the US east coast, my thought are with you guys today.


Aug 27 2011

"I need someone else to help me catch ghosts. 'Cause we're going out to kick seven shades of spiritual shit. Yeaaaah. Ghost Kickers! Free floating vapor? Free floating fucker, more like. Come on, let's get 'em!"

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And here, again, I must shamefacedly admit that Adam and I have been known to watch Ghost Hunters. Actually, we're a bit off it now, but there was a time when we were watching it most nights of the week. Don't judge.


Aug 26 2011

"I know this is a place of work, but my pom poms are staying! Swish swish swish yeaaaaaaahh."

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"Well, if you peed out your nose, you wouldn't have that problem!"
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Aug 25 2011

"You know it's Thursday. You gotta clean the fishies. Wash each one gently behind each fin. I want to see my face in their scales."

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"It's not blood that courses through my veins. It's incrediblood!"
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Aug 24 2011

"I call this the 'Your Body's Shit Deal With It' diet."

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"No, I'm not afraid of death. I have a healthy fear of constipation."
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Aug 23 2011

"It's not about believing or not believing in God. No, no, no. It's about not giving a crap."

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Yup, another one of those jibes at God. And here, for your listening pleasure, is the morning, in which Adam wakes up, makes a beeline for the bathroom, and runs at full speed into the closed door.

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ADAM: (wakes up suddenly) Oh! I need to go wee. (jumps out of bed, makes a beeline for the bathroom, and runs full-force into the door)
KAREN: (laughs hysterically)
ADAM: It was open when I went to bed, I'm sure it was!
KAREN: Oh! I can't believe that!
ADAM: Don't— I really hurt my nose.
ADAM: Bad enough waking up thinking you're going to wet yourself because need to go wee and then... the door's shut!
KAREN: But Baby, we shut it every night because you don't feel good about it being open.
ADAM: You're right.
KAREN: Well, I bet now you don't like it shut. I can't believe you did that.
ADAM: My nose!
KAREN: Baby, we've lived here for over two years.
ADAM: When I went to bed, right, last time I looked at that, and I remember looking, it was open.
KAREN: But the thing is, okay:
ADAM: What?
ADAM: Oh, god, you're going to be logical. Oh no.
KAREN: Why wouldn't you make the assumption that it could be open or shut and just sort of feel for it instead of just walking full speed.
ADAM: Please don't use logic. I always fall down when you use logic. It's not fair... Because I woke up quickly, and I hate that. And I needed to go to the toilet, and that's not a nice way to wake up, so I hate that twice over, so speed is of the essence, and my eyes weren't properly open 'cause I'd just woken up 'cause I hate that, and I had it in my head that the door was open, so it was gonna be easy! I was gonna be quick, it was gonna be direct route to the toilet, but there was a nasty obstacle in the way.


Aug 22 2011

"You find me attractive? Well, congratulations. You've now joined the rest of society."

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"Nature pooing gives a whole new dimension to life. Mmmm. Now that's freedom!"
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Aug 21 2011

"Heaven for a depressed masochist is an ice cream headache."

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Aug 20 2011

"Stop telling everyone we're friends. Don't amplify my shame."

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And then there's this cat, caught barking. I know it is entirely unrelated to anything STM, but it's the best thing I've seen in weeks!


Aug 19 2011

"How can I tell you you're as welcome as a 28-day-old used tampon infested by maggots without offending you?"

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Well, at least STM is considering someone's feelings for a change.
"Oh Jesus, you dumb bitch, it's not a boat it's a church!"
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Come now, why so harsh? It's a mistake anybody could make.


Aug 18 2011

"Live long and... tutti-fruity."

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No idea why the Star Trek reference, but I am amused at how "tutti-fruity" sounds in a posh English accent.
"Nobody should ever kiss you, except family. But, through a bag, mind. Only through a bag."
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Merch news: I've filled the merch shops with new quotes on shirts, mugs, mousepads, aprons, kids' wear, laptop sleeves, and messenger bags. Quotes include "poltergoat", "Friday brain", "look for someone to blame" and "Jedi mutha-fucka!"

Want one of the quotes on a particular product not in the shop? Drop me an email with your request!


Aug 17 2011

"Now listen, Mr. Dickhead Knobcheese Ballyfuck, I would highly recommend a name change. Something short and snappy... 'Cunt' would suffice."

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"A rodent with a machine gun: rat-ta-tat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat. Sweet!"
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Haha. Get it? Rodent. Rat-a-tat. Ha.


Aug 16 2011

"Oh! It's a poltergoat. A poltergoat! You can't see 'em, but you find all your clothes chewed. If you listen carefully, you may hear a ghostly baaaahhhhh. Poltergoat! Baaaahhhhhhh."

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Oh, wow. That has to be my favorite in a while. Poltergoat! Baaaahhhhh.
"You don't make me laugh. You make me want to shoot something, then laugh."
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Aug 15 2011

"Now it's time to suspend reality... from its fucking neck."

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And here is how Adam woke up:

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STM: (whimper, then) MANBAG!
KAREN: Did you say 'man bag'?
ADAM: Maybe?
KAREN: What does that mean?
ADAM: Not a girlie bag? I don't know!
KAREN: Well, was someone hitting you with one? What made you yell it?
ADAM: Umm... lost my man bag.
KAREN: You lost it? Aw. I know where your man bag is, Baby, it's behind the sofa.
ADAM: By the fish tank, actually, where I always leave it.
KAREN: Well, now it's behind the sofa rather than next to the fish tank. I moved your man bag.
ADAM: That's why! I knew it.


Aug 14 2011

"Nature can be so cruel. I mean, look at you. How could it fuck up that badly?"

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Aug 13 2011

"Yay! I've got crusty nipples again! Oh, goody."

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Yay, indeed. I'm really looking forward to that.
"I had nothing, nothing to do with the rain. Now sunshine, that's a different thing altogether."
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If STM is the guy who controls the sunshine, I shudder to think what the guys is like that controls the rain.


Aug 12 2011

"There are times when drinking the contents of the stomach of a ten-day-old corpse is a good idea. After hanging out with you, this is one of those times. Cock off!"

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"Oh, for god's sake. Your cat is eating my watermelon. Oh! It ate the whole thing! All gone."
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Oh, that desperate little moan in the middle just broke my heart.


Aug 11 2011

"Oh crap. It's Wednesday afternoon, and I've already got Friday brain."

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I think all of us working folks can identify with that.
"One, two, quick step turn, punch. One, two, quick step turn, pun—. GET IT RIGHT! Bunch of dribbling turds. One, two, quick step turn, punch."
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Is STM teaching Ninjadance?

Added later: My favorite comment so far today, from JamiSings: "Obviously he's choreographing Fight Club: The Musical."


Aug 10 2011

"Ladies and gentlemen, please remember to put your oxygen mask on first, followed by your favorite child."

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"Put your lemons away. Put them away! Did you not hear about the lemon law? This is serious!"
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There actually is a "lemon law" in the States, having to do with the sale of used cars that fall apart once you drive away. Although, that said, Adam swears he had never heard of it before.


Aug 9 2011

We're back! We didn't get a whole lot out of STM. Sleep talking, you see, requires sleep, of which Adam got little, poor thing. Here is what I have for you:
"The problem with your face… is that I can see it. Get lost!"
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This one will illuminate how STM interprets heavy rain falling on canvas overhead:
"You can go outside and you tell those little fucking elves to stop throwing acorns! Seriously. A waste of all those acorns. Kick 'em. Kick 'em with the chickens."
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Aug 8 2011

"Fuck. Tits! Shit, I brought the wrong shit! It's shower-hat Wednesday, not cracker-pants Thursday. Bollocks! I really like shower-hat Wednesday. I've got the best. It's so pretty... These cracker-pants give me nasty chaffing… Oh, I shoulda put margarine on them! Lubricate the cracker bits. Yes, yes, yes…"

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off glamping on a goat farm!


Aug 7 2011

"Oi! God! Shut the fuck up and listen to me."

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off glamping on a goat farm!


Aug 6 2011

"There's a reason you're such an arsehole. You just don't have to keep telling everybody about it. People will work it out for themselves pretty quickly."

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off glamping on a goat farm!


Aug 5 2011

"Even my reflection is jealous of me."

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"Oh, I love the space you leave behind when you go away. So please, fuck off and give me back that space."
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Karen’s notes: We're heading off to go glamping on a goat farm for the next few days, so I'll be pre-scheduling posts. Hopefully, I'll come back with some goat-inspired gems on the recorder.


Aug 4 2011

Adam was making the little groaning sounds that always precede a bout of sleep talking. I tried answering him with my own little groan, with the following results.
"Shut up! I know it's my turn. Now back off. Shhhh."
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Sounds like STM was feeling a bit pressured to perform. But, in the end, he did not disappoint:
"I can't wear these pants anymore. They're just too tight. They're giving me cock cramp... FREEDOOOOOOOOOOM! Yeah, wiggle it. Mmm, feel that swaying? That swaying is freedom!"
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Don't forget, "pants" here = underwear. This one prompted this conversation in the morning:

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ADAM: I could paint one ball blue and one ball white.
KAREN: Are you talking about Braveheart?
ADAM: Yeah. Bravecrotch. FREEDOOOOOOOOM!


August 3 2011

"I'm tired of looking for the solution to this problem. Look for someone to blame instead."

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It was a hot night, so I got up and turned on the fan. At first, Adam seemed to like it:

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But a few minutes later, he reconsidered:

"Baby, shut the window. We got wind blowing up my arse-crack. We're not careful, it's gonna whistle."
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August 2 2011

"Ice cream is my first line of defense. There is no second."

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"Mother fucker. Have some of that! Want some dessert? Come back for more then. This one's sweeter... Fucking butterflies."
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And here is the must-hear conclusion of that last one...

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STM: Fucking butterflies... (smacks own face)
ADAM: AH! What did you do?
KAREN: Nothing!
ADAM: Did I do it?
KAREN: You thought I slapped you?
ADAM: I saw the thing in your hand, I thought you may have dropped it on my head.
KAREN: Wait a minute. I just need to make sure I understand. You didn't even— You thought it was m— You—
ADAM: Hello?
KAREN: I just wanna— Can I establish a fact? You actually thought the big blunt thing that smacked you in the face was—
ADAM: Be nicer about my hand.
KAREN: — a different object than your hand? You didn't realize it was you who slapped you?
ADAM: Well, I opened my eyes with my cheek stinging, and I saw you holding the microphone, and I thought maybe that had dropped onto my face.
KAREN: Do you realize something wrong with what you just said? I'm just gonna repeat it back to you verbatim: "I saw you were holding the microphone—"
ADAM: Yes, but you may have picked it back up—
KAREN: Oh, okay. But I will tell you what happened, Baby. Right before you woke up, you were saying—
ADAM: It stings!
KAREN: Listen: I'm gonna tell you what you were saying. I think it will illuminate. You were saying, "Mother fucker, take some of that! Fucking butterflies." (giggling) They were butterflies!
ADAM: Bastards.

Karen's notes: So sorry about the faulty transcription yesterday, guys. I promise I was not trying to censor STM (a bit late for that, isn't it?). It was just a bizarre error for which I have no explanation. All fixed now.


Aug 1 2011

"Is it time for me to reveal myself? It's gotta be time for me to reveal myself... Oh, fuck it. Everyone: I AM NAKED! Ta-Da!"

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"If you're able to stop being a complete fucking wanker, I wouldn't have to hate you so much."
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