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Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


June 15 2010

"I need your name. Your name. It's for the list of turds. The queen wants it. Yes. Your n- Oh! I see I have your name. Twice."

 or click here

Karen's notes: Oh. My. God. The audio on this absolutely knocked my socks off. Who knew the queen concerned herself with such matters?

Listen everyone, we are looking for more great sleep-walkin' and sleep-talkin' stories. If you have one (or two or three...) email it to us with the subject "Contribution: Story". We'll let you know before we use it for anything.


  1. I love the slight note of impressed surprise on the word "Twice". :D

  2. holy annunciation of the words lol.

  3. I heard of this blog awhile back but just looked it up yesterday. I literally laughed myself into an asthma attack and my stomach has been sore sense! I'm amazed at how witty STM is, particularly in his colorful and creative insults.

    Thank you for sharing with us!

  4. @ matt - the same thing happened to me! i saw STM on the news here in New Zealand, went to the blog thst night, read the whole thing from start to finish and nearly wet myself from laughing so hard.

    if only i had the courage to repeat STM's quips to the dorks at my work .... but i'm pretty sure i'd get into trouble!! :)

  5. Karen, any update on the merchandise shop down under for us in Australia and NZ? :) :)

  6. Oh yes, and merch for NZ please :)

  7. I'm from Aus and I had no problem ordering from the US merch shop - wearing my "don't leave the duck there" T-shirt with pride at the gym!

  8. were we mentioned on the news in NZ recently? - adam

  9. "Oh! I see I HAVE your name... Twice..?!"

    Oh my god. I just nearly wet myself laughing. The slightly raised eyebrow in the tone - "Wow, what did you do to get listed on the turd list TWICE..."

  10. I was coughing a lot last night, my mom and brother supposedly woke me up and asked what was wrong. I said, "It's a long story" and I went back to sleep. I don't remember any of this...

  11. I was in the hospital last week. I had a roomate who sleep talked. She woke me up with NO MORE SAWING SHUT UP !!!!! not as funny as Adam but it did bring me in mind of your blog !!!!

  12. I was in the hospital last week. I had a roomate who sleep talked. She woke me up with NO MORE SAWING SHUT UP !!!!! not as funny as Adam but it did bring me in mind of your blog !!!!

  13. Hahaha, this is classic!!! So hilarious. I can't think of jabs like these when I'm awake!

  14. this is absolutely the best audio ever. :) i love the inflection at the end.

  15. OMG that is awesome!!!!!!

  16. Not exactly sleep *talking* stories, but here I go. I had discovered, the hard way, that when my brother crashed on the couch one night that he had evolved from a sleep *talker* since he'd moved out, to a sleep *screamer.* Around 2:30 that night I was awakened by a long, drawn-out yell. Frightened, I jumped up and ran into the living room to see him laying still on the couch, and he was continuing to yell out at the top of his lungs. I barely managed to wake him, and he muttered that he was fine and to stop bugging him. Still, I gave him a glance over, and saw no injuries. Repeat a couple times, and realized he was just yelling in his sleep. He finally stopped around 8 in the morning, which was good because I had to be at work at 10 O.O

    The second one is a little funnier, even if it wasn't true sleep talking.

    When I was younger I was laying on the couch watching my brother fight this boss monster in the video game. It was a winged lion on the edge of a cliff. I closed my eyes, and as I opened them I said, "It would be funny if he fell down the cliff." Only, it was several hours later, the tv was off and the room dark, and my dad, who worked late, was heading up the stairs about three feet away from me to go to his room. He asked me, "What did you say?" a little disoriented, I replied, "I just thought it'd be funny." My dad, laughing, told me to go back to sleep. "Okay," I agreed, and did just that.

  17. This morning I woke my fiance' up by starting to bawl and yelling out to him "you always do that!" I was dreaming that he was taking his ex's side over mine as we were arguing over some toys belonging to the kids. He asked me what I was dreaming about and then as I was kind of waking up I said "you're taking her side again." He just told me to hush and go back to sleep. He never does that in waking life (taking the ex's side, I mean)

  18. The Queen has a list of turds? I wonder where Tony Blair figures into that list? If the list was ranked according to the turdliness of the turds involved it must be quite close to the top! Probably right under George W.!

    I'm no expert on the subject, but sneaking up on the Chancellor of Germany, and grabbing her by the neck must rank pretty high!

  19. During a sleepover I heard my friend say quietly but clearly, "Welcome to Tim Hortons, how can I help you?" Poor thing works in her SLEEP.

  20. Hahaha!!! That is freaking HILARIOUS!!!

    I just can't get over that there are so many laugh-out-louders, and they keep on coming!

  21. Pineapple Pants15 June 2010 at 22:47

    I love the emphasis on "Twice." Too funny! XD

  22. Is HM going to give them an OBE
    (Ordure of the British Empire)? 7@=Q

  23. Ah, but was it Queen Elizabeth or another Queen? Only STM knows and he isn't telling!

  24. This is AMAZING.

  25. @adam - I think it was TVNZ that did a section about your sleep talking a few months back... I'm not a 100% sure though. But I saw you and Karen on the tele alright that was how I started visiting your blog - daily. :) :)

  26. @phimchai and adam - it was an interview you did for an English or American TV channel I think, that they showed on TVNZ. phimchai, i'm glad i'm not the only one that was converted!

    and yes, merch shop for nz = cheaper postage = I will buy many. :) :) :) :)

  27. Wow looks like there is quite an NZ following now. Well done Adam and Karen. Love your site, become addicted to logging in each morning to see what madness you came up with. If you guys ever decide you cant be bothered anymore there will be riots around the world :0) I wonder Adam if you will pass this on to your children, Karen you may have your work cut out for you! Thanks for brightening up a horrible week in Wellington, NZ!

  28. I don't sleep talk much, but I've sleep walked once in a while. My mum told me that a year ago, I walked into my parents bedroom, and began walking around. She asked me what I was doing, and in response I said:
    "I'm trying to find the beavers. They're everywhere, and beaversoup tastes like chicken."
    Of course I don't remember that at all...But my stepdad says he heard it too.

  29. Christina Nunn16 June 2010 at 14:46

    I sleep-talked recently, something I don't do very often, and I even remember the dream.
    I was at an amusement park with my family when we were about to go next door to go swimming at the lake (or a big pool, I don't know). I told them to go ahead and go over there, since I wanted to get a souvenir for my son. Well, when I was getting on some train to take over to the swimming place, they told me I couldn't go because I didn't have a bathing suit, even though I was wearing one.
    That was apparently when I said,"I HAVE a bathing suit!" I don't recall saying this, my husband told me ;)

  30. not much talking, but was on the school ski trip this year and one of the 5th year girls was moaning she couldn't sleep and had to get to sleep first because out of the three she was sharing with, one apparently snored, one breathed too loudly and one of them talked utter gibberish, but still talking
    found it rather funny she was annoyed

  31. This happened several years ago.

    Boyfriend: *mumblemumble*
    Me: What?
    BF: *mumble* the turkeys...
    Me: What are you talking about? (didn't realize he was sleep talking)
    BF: The turkeys.. they're going to take over the world.
    Me: *laugh* Turkeys... taking over the world?

  32. lol I had a friend who would look for loose change in his bed in his sleep. (he was a cashier at the time) Another friend said that her step-brother talks in his sleep... *very quickly*bibidybibidybidy.... yeah school... we'll do that...

  33. I've been sleepwalking and talking since I was a little girl. I'm not near as consistently funny as Adam, but I've had some doozies.

    There was the time I was sleeping over at my friend's house (age about 17), got up in the night to use the bathroom, got turned around in the unfamiliar house, and crawled into bed with HER FATHER. And didn't realize it even when he woke up and asked me what I was doing. He had to take me by the arm and point me in the right direction. (I never slept over there again - I couldn't even look him in the eye after that!)

    Another time, I dreamed my mother was telling me to jump out of the window. So I did. Woke up when my feet hit the ground and scared my brother's dog half to death. The worst part was that I couldn't get back in my window and had to walk all the way around the house to my parents' back door to get them to let me in. My dad thought I was a burglar and nearly shot me because I was still too asleep to identify myself.

    Recently, my husband got up in the night and as he came back to bed, he bumped the bed. He tells me I said in the sweetest tone possible, "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were a motorcycle!"

    Last night I apparently was cooing over our three year old son and said, "Aw, you look so cute in those earrings!" My husband said, "He better not be wearing earrings!" And I replied, "And the NOSE RING!"

    I once thought the walls were collapsing inward and woke my husband up frantically trying to hold them up with my shoulder and hands, yelling at him to help me.

    The poor man has had his share of heart attacks, sleeping with me for the past nine years.

  34. Hhhmmmm...Her Royal Majesty's Turd List? lol Someone should start that website! I'll even get it started...rubberneckers...people who take 2 parking spots...women who stand there and watch all 995 items go by on the belt at the grocery store, wait for the cashier to tell them the total and THEN start hunting in their purse for their wallet (a seemingly bottomless wallet!)...yup, a website is needing, one could go on for days!

  35. I was staying at my Boyfriends and the alarm went off so I shut it off, he has a few alarms he takes a lot of waking up... A sleepy voice from next to me goes "Turn the light off its bright."
    I tell him it's the sun and I can't turn that off. The next alarm goes off and from my b/f I hear "The Hedgehogs are too loud!"

  36. I once woke up with my hand raised, from a dream I had about being in a classroom.

    Then spending the night with a friend she rolled over and said, "Can't you here them Growling?" I never could get her to explain that one.

  37. I was awake late last night and my husband shouted from the bedroom quite suddenly (and angrily), "Did you tell him to do that?!" Now, the only "him" he could have been talking about is our kitten, mind you... I asked him "Do what?" and he replied, "He took the blankets! He's hogging them all!"... The kitten was on my lap in the other room.

  38. My brother-in-law, a recently retired Marine, has sleep talked a few times. This was an exchange with my sister:

    HIM: Go count the weapons!
    HER: Um, we have three. (Probably true; Marine, after all.)
    HIM: That's not enough! Count 'em again!

    And then there was the time I was visiting and he fell asleep on the couch during our evening movie. Since the couch was my bed, I had to get him off and send him upstairs so *I* could sleep.

    ME: (after nudging him a few times, with no response) Get up. You have to go to bed.
    HIM: Mmmf. No. I'm snuggling.
    (My sister was upstairs, as was their dog. He was alone on the couch, not even a pillow.)
    ME: (laughing) WHO are you snuggling?
    (That at least made him aware he was on the couch, but as I watched him stagger up to bed, I doubted he wasn't still asleep.)

    I think there are some other stories, but can't recall them right now.

  39. I woke up from a nightmare once and my boyfriend said 'Shh! Keep very still!' I froze, wondering what was going on, when he shouted 'LET'S GO!' and flipped himself over completely. When I got out of bed he woke up and asked what was wrong. :D

  40. I dont really sleep talk, but I have a habit of laughing out loud in my sleep.. The only time I can remember my self happened this morning, I woke my girlfriend up with hysterical laughing.. I had been dreaming me and some friend was at a local school hanging out for some reason.. theres a football field there, and ofc were in the middle of the WC now. So along comes a bus of korean tourists and they stop inside the school grounds..strange.. but they have a football and wants to play. Go figure! So we each line up 11 players and have to name a captain. Both captains go up to the ref (ofc theres a pro ref all of a sudden), and they have to identify themselves with their passport. The korean doesnt have a passport, so the ref just asks who he is and he claims, entirely serious, "Didier Drogba".. I think thats where I started to laugh. Then our captain is next, ofc he doesnt have his passport either, so the ref asks him who he is.. He looks up real proud and serious as he says ....... "Didier Drogba" .. Thats where I go "WTF" and start laughing uncontrollably still in my sleep as the ref just shakes his head.

  41. Just last night my boyfriend pulled a sleeptalkinman. His phone chimes when it's charge is complete so last night it made this little noise somewhere between 11:00 and 1:00 I'm guessing, causing both of us to stir. I knew that he said something to the phone as he reached over to turn the sound off, but I couldn't hear. As he lay back down he said "Get in your time machine, little buggy. Pew pew!" with a whispered sound effect. My query of 'What are you talking about?" went unanswered. Of course your blog was the first thing I thought of and I reported straight away. It made us laugh.

  42. My bf before he properly wakes up he says some weird things that he doesnt remember saying so ill give you one example of a conversation though its hard to get him to answer me at times

    BF: i love your pro disentablishmenterriorism
    ME: what does that mean?
    BF: sticking it to the man
    ME: oh cool....
    BF: you are going to ruin my antidisenstablishmentaterriorism
    ME: how am i going to do that?
    BF: its in the book
    ME: what book?
    BF: the book im writing. Im going to write us into it *smiles* but then you are going to sabotage my plans
    ME: oh im sorry hun
    BF: dont be sorry i win *giggles*
    ME: what do you win?
    BF: a lifetime membership
    ME: a lifetime membership to what?
    BF: i dont know *sad face*

    now there have been funnier ones thrn this but i cant remember them though one day he was snoring then all of a sudden sat up and put his hand to his ear and said hello i laughed till i cried he promtly said it wasnt funny where is my actual phone and within thirty secs of me giving it tohim he wassnoring

  43. After a really long and stressful day at my boyfriend's work, he said this one line in his sleep:

    "No. I will not do that again. I will shove fire-works in your face!"

    He NEVER talks in his sleep, either! He must have really disliked someone that day? lol

  44. Last night I sleepwalked into my roommates bed. I wasn't wearing any pants at the time. When she woke up she didn't know who I was for a second, and thought I was her ex boyfriend. She realized it was me, then walked me back to my bed and tucked me in. I don't recall any of this except asking her how I got in her bed.

  45. Once I walked into my brother's room as he was playing on his XBox while sleep walking and he told me to leave and go back to bed. In return I pulled the plug out from his game. He had been playing all day and asked what on Earth I was doing. I replied "Do you want to explode?! No.. I didn't think so." and went back to bed. He didn't talk to me much the next day. :( x