Aug 31 2010

"Hmm, nice try you soiled douchebag. You have to do a lot harder to be as awesome as me. Run along, run along. Next! I love being a judge on Nobody's Got Talent But Me."

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"Reach for the stars! You're gonna have to, no one on this planet wants anything to do with you."

Sorry guys, recorder meltdown, didn't get this one on audio.

Aug 30 2010

"I understand, but things have changed now. Ever since the Chocolate Bonanza."

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Aug 29 2010

"No! I don't have a speech impediment, I'm English. English! Oh, for fuck's sake, okay. I know I talk funny. Everyone laugh. Ha ha ha ha...."

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"There was so much blood! Oh, there must have been at least five llamas. Totally unprovoked attack by those puffins. I managed to clip their wings. This is llama turf."

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Karen's notes: We're spending the weekend with close friends from the States, so Adam is surrounded by Americans. Perhaps that explains the first one? Although we haven't ridiculed him for his silly accent yet.

Aug 28 2010

KAREN: Mmmmmmmmm.
ADAM: I simply don't understand you. I suspect you're part of the mmummmummm.

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If anyone can make better sense of that than I did, please give it a go.

"You're so vain, you probably think even the mannequins are checking you out. Idiot."

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"Just put the oil on the noodles, and rub it on your chest. Now don't use the thin noodles. They'll make you look fat."

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"Mama, don't bite the plates. No no no no no no no. Lick them and put them back."

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Adam wants you to know that he has never used the word "Mama" either to address his mother, or to reference a hot chick.

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Karen's notes: Ok, who out there couldn't help singing to themselves:
♫ ♪ You probably think this dream is about you, don't you, don't you... ♪ ♫

Merch update: "Let's go be happy in front of some miserable people" is now in the shops.

Aug 27 2010

"I'm gonna wear this just to annoy you. Oh! Look, it's working. (evil chuckle)"

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"Come on. Let's all go be happy in front of some miserable people."

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"I just can't get down with mole hills. They scare me. I try to avoid them at all costs."

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Every weekend, we go for a long walk in Richmond Park, where we encounter scores of mole hills. I believe I have mentioned before that Adam is quite accident prone, so he tends to have an especially acrimonious relationship with these mole hills.

Here is the silly little conversation we had upon waking:

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KAREN:	Wait, what did you just say?... (thinking through the fog of sleep)... Mole hills, that's what you said.
ADAM:	What did I say?
KAREN:	You talked about mole hills and how disgusting they are.
ADAM:	Mole hell?
KAREN:	Mole hills!
ADAM:	Oh, mole hills... I wonder what mole hell would be like. Lots of light.
BOTH:	(chuckle at Adam's unerring cleverness)

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Added later: After loads of requests, I'm adding "Let's all go be happy..." to the shops this very moment!

Aug 26 2010

"Pay homage to toast. Prostrate yourself in front of it: hot, crunchy bread slice thingy. We shall celebrate with tea! Iguana tea."

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There is an explanation for how this one ends. On July 8 STM was asked to remove his iguana from afternoon tea. Ever since, one of our readers, Stony13, has been campaigning daily— quite eloquently, I must say&mdash for tea rights for iguanas everywhere. As soon as Adam said, "We shall celebrate with tea," I thought to myself, "Oh, Stony's gonna have a field day today!" The fact that Adam then made the same leap just shows how successful Stony13 has been in bringing Iguana tea rights into public consciousness.

"I'm sorry Baby, that's gravity. I can't help it that I'm physically attracted to you."

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Some time after that, I got up to go pee. As I slipped out of the bed, I heard:

"You think you can get away from me that easy? You'll be back. You'll always come back."

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"Oh. Do I have feelings for you? Hmmm. Let me give you the short and accurate answer: No. That's all really."

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Perhaps this is how STM responds to abandonment?

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Reminder: Last day on the sleeveless shirt special!

Aug 25 2010

"What do you think you're doing? Totally inappropriate behaviour. Now sit down, put the electric sander away and concentrate on your art project, please... Monkeys!"

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Karen's notes: This came from the nest-egg. It would appear that Adam has left his job teaching water fowl, and is now sharing his wisdom with young primates.

Merch news: Wow, you guys really liked "zen-like state" yesterday! I rushed it into the shops. Shirts and mugs!

Aug 24 2010

"Before you begin, I'd just like to make it clear that I don't have the energy for a fake conversation."

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"I'm in a totally zen-like state… Can't you tell how fucking zen I am?!"

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"Shoot the wig! Shoot it! Don't let it get up again. Oh, that's the third rabid toupee we've had this week. Something wrong. Very wrong."

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Aug 23 2010

"That's a bird. That's a bird. That's also a bird. Another bird. Bird. Bird. Fish! That's a fish, I can see a fish! Bird. Dog. A bird. God, this game's boring. A bird. There's a fish, woohooooo! Fuck this, I'm going home."

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Karen's notes: Nothing last night. This one was from the nest-egg. I have to say, as a crazy animal lover, this game sounds right up my alley.

Merch reminder: Only three more days to get all sleeveless shirts for 25% off! Details in left panel under "News".

Aug 22 2010

"Between die-you-cancer-upon-my-life and I-couldn't-really-give-a-crap-about-you lies your life story."

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Karen's notes: We're pretty confident that this is one of those times STM is referencing Adam's real life. I'll say no more.

Aug 21 2010

"Show tunes out of context, they render my stomach useless. I've warned you. I have warned you."

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"I've got muscles. They're just sleeping. Don't wake them. Let them sleep."

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"You have entered a no-bullshit zone. Leave it outside. It doesn't work with me."

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"Darling, with an ass as big as yours, innocent bystanders could get hurt!"

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And finally, his awakening (transcript in notes):

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Karen's notes: Poor Adam. I was organizing my iTunes the other day, and I kept playing a particular song from a particular musical over and over, trying to decide which version to keep. Adam is one of those rare men who likes musicals— and he likes this particular musical— but I think he was ready to stick his head in the oven.

And here's the transcript for those who don't get the audio:

STM:	BUNCH OF ARSE
ADAM:	Oooh?
KAREN:	(sleepy stretching sound)
ADAM:	Oh, you were asleep. I'm so sorry I woke you!
KAREN:	No, I wasn't asleep.
ADAM:	I woke you.
KAREN:	You didn't.
ADAM:	Didn't I?
KAREN:	I was just lying here quietly.
ADAM:	Quietly fucking snoring... I'm sorry.
KAREN:	Was not! How would you know, you were sleeping.
ADAM:	I'm joking.
KAREN:	Do you know what you yelled?
ADAM:	Um... It finished with arse. So, I'll give you three options.
KAREN:	Mm-hmm?
ADAM:	Big arse... Fat arse... or... You're an arse.
KAREN:	Nope. You yelled: Bunch. Of. Ass. Bunch of ass.
ADAM:	Pretty image. I have no reason why. I like your bunch of arse, though. Pretty.
KAREN:	Thank you.

Aug 20 2010

"I am gonna grow my hair long, real long, and wear it like a hat MADE of hair. You know, twirly. Mr Whippy-head."

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"Scales. Must have scales. And razor claws. I want some feathers. And a goggly thing on its head. Yeahhh. Dinochicken. Awesome! I feel like a god. All right, what's next? Guineapigasaurus. Bring it on!"

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Karen's notes: Mr. Whippy = Mr. Softee. For those who are still lost, soft ice-cream out of a big white van. But listen to this insanity— and this is one of my major complaints about England— Mr Whippy only comes in vanilla! Not once has some entrepreneur said, "Hey, you know what would be good? Chocolate soft ice cream. And maybe we can even find a way for people to get them mixed!" If you want chocolate, all you get is this silly little chocolate stick called Flake sticking out of your ice cream. And, despite the fact that I love the recent Flake advert, it is pretty shitty chocolate.

All I am allowed to say about the second one is that it is related to something at Adam's work.

Added later: Although I think flake is totally whack, all other Cadbury chocolate is delicious.

Aug 19 2010

"It's time to don our cow masks and scare the salad out of her. I love Veggieween."

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come to me my penguin brothers
  and penguin sisters
and dance your dark winter dance
  and flap
    and flap
those fin-like wings

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"I've waited my whole life to meet somebody like you. Now fuck off and let me get on with my life. You're a disappointment. Always a disappointment."

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Karen's notes: I love how STM gets all poetic and then, 30 seconds later, remembers himself.

This morning, Adam spent quite a while brainstorming the antics that transpire on Veggieween. I was so sorry that I had turned the recorder off. I'll do my best to recreate some here:

"Veggieween! When the meat eaters get dressed up in animal costumes to torment vegetarians. It's a celebration of all that is good about eating meat. You go knocking door to door, with an enormous skewer, and people slide pieces of meat onto your stick. Then, everyone gets together in the park for a huge barbeque. Any vegetarian households, you tar and fur the house, and you— no, you can't throw blood at people's places, that's just too much— …fat! Yes, you drizzle fat all over their doorstep."

I just want to say here that Adam totally respects vegetarianism and loves animals (even though he sometimes eats them).

Aug 18 2010

"My butt cheeks are for squeezing. Go on, take a handful. Take two."

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(whispering) "Shhhh. I have to tell you this. But I have to be quiet, or I'll get in trouble. (normal tone now) Midgets. You know, small people. People of pathetic height, I think that's what they're called. Yeah. Diminutive folk... in drag, scare the shit out of me. But only in drag. Don't know why. Must be something from my childhood. Mmm-Hmm. Scary shit though."

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Karen's notes: These are from the nest egg. Too bad the recorder didn't catch Adam whispering his opening disclaimer.

Merch news: After much clamoring yesterday, I put "All I want out of life is ice cream and cuddles" in the shops. Shirts and mugs! While I was at it, I also added "Shark cuddling: The next extreme sport".

There's a special on for the rest of August! All tank tops and muscle Ts are 25% off. Use coupon code NOSLEEVES at checkout (except Canadians, use CADNOSLEEVES).

Aug 17 2010

"Don't! I've warned you before, and I won't say it again. Never come between a man and his nipple electronicafier."

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"All I want out of life is ice cream and cuddles. Is it too much to ask? Is it?"

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Karen's notes: If anyone has a better idea of what Adam is saying at the end of that first one, please, let me know.

As for the second one-- oh, isn't he adorable?!