Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Mar 30 2012

"Okay: On three, I'm gonna change into a dinosaur. One… Two… MEOW. Oh fucking cat! Always cats."

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Karen's notes: For those of you who noticed that I didn't blog yesterday, I've decided to cut down to Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. Adam's not sleep talking as prolifically as he used to, and I'd rather be able to give you three high-quality posts a week, than start scraping the dregs of the STM nest-egg just to blog every day.


Mar 28 2012

(sing-song) "My leg bone is connected to my foot bone, my foot bone is connected to your face bone, your face bone's connected to the pavement stone. Now heed my words: Fuck off!"

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Mar 27 2012

"Fuck! YOU'RE all assholes, and YOU'RE all elbows. Stop getting confused! What's so fucking difficult? Idiots, the lot of you!"

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Earlier, while Adam and I were chatting in bed before sleep, STM chimed in momentarily with his views on a dilemma a friend of mine had had earlier in the day:

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KAREN: ... She was saying "I would never do that" and I said, "Well, you know, you can't think of everything in terms of what you would do. People are different and, in a moment of real emotional upset, you have to allow some flexibility for somebody doing things in a way that happens to be different from how you would do them."
ADAM: Yeah. It's tricky. But, you know if she had shark's teeth it would make everything better.
KAREN: How so?
ADAM: Hmmm? What?
KAREN: Do you know what you just said?
ADAM: Ummm....
KAREN: "If she had shark's teeth, it would make everything better." What do you suppose you meant?
ADAM: Uh, I do remember thinking about that Shark Men California programme. I think.
KAREN: (giggles)
ADAM: Shushhhhh! That's the closest you're going to get to STM.


Mar 26 2012

"Well, that ain't chocolate cream cheese. I don't know what it— Oh, I hate your cat. Oh, I fucking hate your cat. Ugh."

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Yes, here in the UK, we've started getting the commercials for Philadelphia chocolate cream cheese. Anyone tried it yet?


Mar 23 2012

"Here I am: Captain Yeast Infection! Making you uncomfortable no matter what you wear."

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And the reveal:

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(note to Americans: Marmite is a repulsive dark brown paste, made from yeast extract, that cerain poor, misguided Brits enjoy on their toast.)
KAREN: Captain Yeast Infection!
ADAM: Ew. That's not nice. Why would you say that?
KAREN: You think I came up with that?
ADAM: Oh. I'm sorry, that's quite nasty. I apologize.
KAREN: He has the power to make you uncomfortable in anything you wear.
ADAM: What's his nemesis, Yogurt Man?
KAREN: (giggles)
ADAM: I suppose he could have a sidekick, Marmite Boy.
KAREN: (laughs, questioningly)
ADAM: Marmite being yeast extract.
KAREN: I'll be honest, I was trying to figure it out.
ADAM: Yes, if you happen to have, um, problems in that department, you're meant to steer clear of marmite.
KAREN: Hmm. So you shouldn't spread marmite around down there.
ADAM: Probably peanut butter would be better.
KAREN: Why peanut butter?
ADAM: It just... I don't know...
KAREN: Soothing, maybe.
ADAM: I think so.


Mar 22 2012

"I swear, if you don't stop clucking, I'm gonna kidnap the monkey again, got it? No more clucking."

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Mar 21 2012

"Where is all the neurons are gone? B'doing!"

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Yup, it was just one of those nights. There are so many things grammatically amiss in that short sentence, I think it might be record-setting. And then we had this:
"Cricket? Cricket?!"
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Is he talking about the game, or summoning his pet insect?


Mar 20 2012

"Rampaging radioactive robot rhinos! Run away! Run away!"

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He's terribly poetic, our STM.


Mar 19 2012

"What do you want? SOMEONE TO FOLLOW! When do you want it? PRETTY SOON 'cause we're kind of just wandering around aimlessly."

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Hey, this is pretty timely from STM, what with Passover coming up and all.

MERCH REMINDER: This is the last day for the promo on shirts and stuff!


Mar 16 2012

"Come here. Let me make your boobs sweat."

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And the reveal:

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RECORDING: ... Let me make your boobs sweat. (creepy chuckle)
KAREN: Uch. That isn't nice.
ADAM: The sentiment's nice. The way it's been delivered isn't.
KAREN: Wait, what do you mean when you say the sentiment's nice?
ADAM: Snuggles!
KAREN: (snorts)
ADAM: What?!


Mar 15 2012

"Just be quiet. If I have to listen to your whingey fucking voice for one more second, I think I'm gonna have to start killing puppies and throwing babies."

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Mar 14 2012

It's Adam's Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!
"Kung-fu kinkajou! Killer with a five-inch tongue! Ka-cha!"
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STM said this about two weeks ago, shortly after we returned from our stint volunteering with the sloths. At the sanctuary, there were a few other animals, one of which was a bedraggled, one-eyed kinkajou named Timon, with whom I fell in love. Kinkajous are nocturnal, so Timon didn't get much attention. He was desperate for love, and I made sure to spent some time with him every night. As you can see from the third picture, he did indeed have a five-inch tongue.


Mar 14 2012

"Don't shoot the goat! It wasn't his fault. Can't we give it lots of strokes as a punishment instead? You're mean. Okay, go and shoot it with your paint gun. Rainbow goat!"

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A quick clarification here: when STM talks about "strokes", he means petting, not whipping. That's the word Brits use for petting an animal. Just wanted to make sure that was clear.

Merch news: And speaking of rainbows (good timing, STM!) check out the promo in the right-hand panel. As a St. Patrick's Day treat, our shirt shop is offering $10/£10 off if you spend $50/£50. For those ordering from the US/Canada shop, the coupon code is STPATRICK2012. In the UK/EU shop, it's SPRING2012. Get your green on!


Mar 12 2012

"Kissing you always leaves me with the feeling that I've just given someone an oral colonoscopy."

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Mar 9 2012

"Nipples: Distractors of men."

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I am particularly amused by the gravity with which STM makes this pronouncement.

I've added the log/blog survey results to the bottom of yesterday's post.


Mar 8 2012

Today, fair readers, you have an important role to play. You need to settle a debate between Adam and me concerning today's quote. I ask that you listen to the quote carefully, give it your most serious consideration, then mark your answer in the survey over there in the left column. After that, feel free to listen/read our debate on the matter to see who you have vindicated, and who's heart you have broken.
"Yeah, it's a multi-level platform virtual-reality social phenomenon, but it's no cheese log/blog."
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Now go vote! ....... Okay, done? Here's the debate:

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(transcript below)

And here is Adam losing his shit in a fit of the giggles over a terrible pun:

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RECORDING: Yeah, it's a multi-level platform virtual reality social phenomenon, but it's no cheese (b)log.
ADAM: Is that like a chocolate log? Cheese log?
KAREN: No, cheese blog.
ADAM: I thought I said cheese log.
RECORDING: But it's no cheese (b)log.
ADAM: Log.
KAREN: Blog!
ADAM: Log! There's no "b"!
RECORDING: But it's no cheese (b)log.
ADAM: Log!
KAREN: Blog!
ADAM: It's log!
RECORDING: But it's no cheese (b)log.
ADAM: I hear log.
KAREN: Blog makes more sense, as well. 'Cause you're talking about some online thing.
RECORDING: It's a multi-level platform...
ADAM: All he's saying is, yeah, so what, that's fucking fantastic, whoopee, but it's not as fantastic as a cheese log. That's what I hear.
KAREN: I still hear—
RECORDING: But it's no cheese (b)log.
ADAM: Baby, you heard "solid" and "psychic". I doubt your hearing by now.
KAREN: But, but—
KAREN: It definitely sounds like it could be either.
ADAM: Maybe you should offer both. See what the readers think.
KAREN: Good idea.
Added 24 hours later: THE RESULTS

Thanks everyone for your invaluable input. As far as the survey is concerned, I WIN! The tally hovered between 59% and 61% for "blog" the entire time. Yay for me, and yay for nearly two-thirds of you.

Interestingly, though, "log" got a bigger shout-out in the comments, and I must say that the "log" people were certainly the most passionate.

As for "vlog", which some of you felt you heard, Adam and I are both pretty confident STM didn't say that. Keep in mind, folks (and this is a general point), this isn't high tech recording equipment. It's a little $40 Olympus recorder meant for capturing lectures and such. It often misses details and subtly distorts sound.

For those who thought they heard "virtuality" rather than "virtual-reality", this one I'm sure about. Listen carefully, you can hear those extra syllables slurred in. Don't forget, people, the guy is asleep. He's often a bit slurry.

Needless to say, Adam and I are still on opposite sides of the fence, as he is totally unwilling to capitulate to my obvious rightness. I suppose it will have to be one of those agree-to-disagree scenarios we hear so much about.


Mar 7 2012

"For my next trick, I'm gonna pull a bunny out from my ass. Come on kids, watch the bunny! WATCH THE BUNNY!"

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Mar 6 2012

"Karaoke peeing: When peeing is just too goddamn boring."

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And the ensuing brainstorming session:

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ADAM: A water activated karaoke machine! When you're standing at the urinals and you start to pee, up pop the words to the song on a screen in front of you and you can start singing along.
KAREN: That IS a great idea.
ADAM: Is it not?
KAREN: Yeah!
ADAM: Makes peeing go along, you know. You can have it on the back of the door in the ladies'.
KAREN: Don't you think karaoke pooping would make more sense? Peeing is really short. By the time the intro to the song went by, it would be over. But, think about it, when you—
ADAM: God, I'd be able to go through half an album!
KAREN: Yeah! Don't you think that's a better idea?
ADAM: Yeah.
KAREN: I think we've got our million dollar idea there.
ADAM: Karaoke pooping.
KAREN: Yeah!


Mar 5 2012

"The more open you are, the easier it'll be for me to find your heart… and fuck the living shit out of it with a spiked baseball bat. Kisses!"

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Mar 2 2012

"Mary had a little lamb. I ate it. Mary's sad. Stupid whiny vegetarian!"

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Mar 1 2012

"Come on, Teddy Fuckspin, let's have it. I'm sick and tired of your pathetic cuteness."

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Hey, children of the 80's, remember Teddy Ruxpin, the creepy talking bear robot? Sounds like STM spent a little too much time with his.

Too young to remember Teddy Ruxpin and his infernal cuteness? Watch him here: