Oct 31 2010

The recorder ran out of space in the middle of the night, so it didn't catch Adam's sleep-talking. But here's what I was able to type out before it flew out of my head:

"You know what looks good on you. Come on, you know. Yeeaahhhh... (long pause) It's me! I do! Jesus, you're thick!"

And here is our conversation just after Adam woke up

ADAM:	I feel awful.
KAREN:	Aw, baby.
ADAM:	My glands are swollen, my nose is stuffed, my head hurts, and alms for a leper.
KAREN:	... What?!
ADAM:	... Nothing. Never mind.
KAREN:	Did you fall asleep right in the middle of talking?
ADAM:	Yeah.
KAREN:	What the hell?
ADAM:	I had a really clear vision that I was in Life of Brian, and I was the leper begging, "alms for a leper."
KAREN:	Oh! I thought you'd said, "Arms for a leper."

Now, there is a reason that I figured that Adam would be talking about arms. We spent all day yesterday working on our Halloween costumes. Perhaps a couple of pictures will explain my assumption:

   

Yes, I am a spider, Adam is a fly, and that is my saran-wrap (aka cling film) web around him.

By the way, I am NOT that tiny compared to Adam. He's just 5'8", so that would make me, what, four and a half feet tall? It's just the perspective of the image.

Oct 30 2010

HALLOWEEN CHALLENGE

Alright, folks. I want to see who out there can come up with the best Sleep Talkin' Man costume! Dress up as your favorite STM character, email us a picture, and YOU SHALL BE JUDGED! And the grand prize is (drumroll....) the knowledge that you rock (and your picture on the blog. What did you expect?)!

Here are a few ideas to get you started:


"Beware the Werepig. Stay off the mud. Stay off the mud, I say!"

 or click here

"Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for."

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"I shall be Captain Bollocks. On the good ship Scrotum. It's a small boat, but it'll pack a punch. We'll be able seamen in our boat, Scrotum."

 or click here

"Ninjas in stilettos. Fashion assassins! Not so stealthy, but oh so stylish!"

 or click here

"Not the maniacal army of lobotomized pigmy goats! You can hear their demented bleats. Listen. Ooooh."

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"Scales. Must have scales. And razor claws. I want some feathers. And a goggly thing on its head. Yeahhh. Dinochicken. Awesome! I feel like a god. All right, what's next? Guineapigasaurus. Bring it on!"

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"That's the most stunning thing in the world. No really. Well fuck you, fuck-turd! Princess Birdfish Monkeyface is beautiful. Just beautiful."

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"Is it a bird? Is it- Oh. It's Koala Man. Asleep in the branches again, and probably pissed. What an embarrassment to superhero-kind."

 or click here

Oct 29 2010

"No. I'm not real. No, you're talking. I'm a dick. Well, fuck you! Hmm. A bit confusing."

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Confusing, indeed. What the hell is he talking about? In this next one, however, STM makes himself perfectly clear:

"Where— Where's my coconut? I know you moved it. Give it back to me. I want my coconut! I can't pee without my coconut. I'm going to peeeeee. (whimpers) Oh, I'll have to get a new coconut. Mmm, that one was just the right size… and furry. Coconuuuuuut… Coconuuuut….. Where aaaaaarre yooouuu? Mmmm. Bollocks."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "Where's my coconut? I can't pee without my coconut! It was just the right size. Coconuuut... coconuuut." You just went— you went on and on. "I guess I'll have to get a new one."
ADAM:	Well, they may all look the same, I'm sure coconuts feel they're individual.
KAREN:	If coconuts feel enough to know they're individual, then how do you think they feel about being used as a receptacle for urine?
ADAM:	Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, you never said I said that. You said I can't pee without my coconut. I may need it as a security blanket. And have it next to me when I pee. You're thinking I need to crack it open and pee into it. How dare you treat coconuts like that! Can't you see them as care-giving things rather than just receptacles for my bodily waste? Hmm?
KAREN:	"Coconuuuut!"
ADAM:	It's got to sit next to me when I pee. And its three eyes can be looking up at me saying, "Good boy."

__________

Karen's notes: We wonder if this has something to do with the fact that Adam just read Coconut Unlimited by Nikesh Shukla, an amazing book. Go check it out!

Oct 28 2010

"You're a happy little soul, humming away. If you like humming so fucking much I'll staple your bitching lips together. Shut up!"

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Karen's notes: This is from the nest-egg.

Oct 27 2010

"Sniff my hair. Sniff my hair, goddamnit! You dirty little hair-sniffing bitch. Yeaaahhhhh."

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"You have arrived at your destination. Woohoo! Now fuck off."

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__________

Karen's notes: Adam has a rather large protrusion on his left cheek. Because he is one of those people who has never in his life had zits (spots in UK-speak), he hypothesizes that this is actually a bit of his brain that got knocked down into his face when he slammed his head into the headboard the other night.

Oct 26 2010

"When I'm king of the coalition, nobody's going to be able to poo at work, ever. A dirty waste of smelly time."

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___________

Karen's notes: I've been holding onto this delightful little sentiment for a while. Today just seemed the right day for it.

Thanks so much to those who chipped in with donations for the monkeys so far! You can see who has donated here.

Oct 25 2010

"There's no evolution. Just a bunch of animals I decided not to kill."

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"The Chicken Perm: for when ruffling feathers simply isn't enough. I think that'll work. Right, off to the chicken farm. (calls to chickens?) Chup chup chup chup chup chup chup! Here, chup chup chup chup..."

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___________

Karen's notes: I must admit, Adam's first declaration is not entirely original. Anyone who has kept themselves up-to-date concerning facts about Chuck Norris will recognize it.

Totally unrelated plug: If you've been reading the blog for a while, you know that we spent our honeymoon in February volunteering at an elephant sanctuary. This coming February, we've decided to head to Ecuador to volunteer at a primate sanctuary. If anyone wants to read about where we're going, or even contribute a few bucks/quid toward the sanctuary, go here.

Oct 24 2010

"I'm sorry, I tried. But liking you is just too far outside my comfort zone."

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__________

Karen's notes: This one had been banked in the nest-egg just yesterday. I can't help wondering if this statement is related to the very thing that kept Adam up much of last night: Twinkle, the rat-sized miniature chihuahua for whom we are dog-sitting.

Oct 23 2010

"That's the aubergines' decision? Well, that's the way they want it. More fool them."

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"You must be a cunt. Or a lawyer. Yeah, a lawyer."

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And here is how Adam woke up:

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STM:	You— Who died? You died. Oh! The crocodiles are coming! You're reptile fodder! Oh! Get them away! Ah! Oh! (SLAM!)
ADAM:	OH!
KAREN:	Oh my god! Adam! Baby!
ADAM:	Ah!
KAREN:	Oh my god! Adam!
ADAM:	Did I break something?
KAREN:	I think you almost broke the headboard with your head! Oh, baby, come here. You all right?
ADAM:	I don't know. No, no, not really right now.
KAREN:	Oh my god!
ADAM:	I'm sure I heard something crack. I'm sure I heard—
KAREN:	No, it was your head. Your head cracked.
ADAM:	Oh. That's all right then.

Added later: I forgot to mention, in the UK, there are "solicitors" and "barristers", no "lawyers".

Oct 22 2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR BLOGGY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

YAY!!!

I cannot believe that I missed the blog's birthday yesterday. What a terrible mommy I am. Bad bad mommy.

It was one year and one day ago that I, having a bit too much free time on my hands, created a silly little blog as a lark, as a way to share my husband's bizarre midnight mutterings.

To celebrate the birthday of Sleep Talkin' Man, let's take a look back at some lovely sentiments from the old days. These were from before I was posting all the audio, so you'll be hearing it for the first time today!


"Being in the same room with you makes me want to suck the pus out of a rancid nasty rectum."

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"It's CHICKEN and you LIKE IT. Lentil-loving, bean burger-shitting wanker."

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"I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."

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"Oh, we're gonna be late for the pogo ballet, stop it!"

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"Let me hold you in my arms. Let me feel me squeeze the living fucking breath out of your bastard body. Bliss. Lovely."

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"I'd like to tell you what a wonderful person you are. But that would make me a septic gash of a cunt who quite frankly had no concept of right or wrong."

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"I am awe-some. Deal with it fucker!"

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"My brother calls you a cunt. Not me. I didn't do it. My BROTHER did."

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"I don't wanna die! I love sex. And furry animals."

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Oct 21 2010

"Why don't you come back to me when your brain's decided that it wasn't designed to be a shit box, okay? Run along now."

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__________

Karen's notes: That little gem was from the nest-egg. Adam was feeling sick through the night, so he just didn't have enough sleep-time for sleep-talking. Poor thing. Meanwhile, I had insomnia much of the night, so we were a pretty pair. Here we are in the middle of the night, trying to find a sleeping position:

 or click here

ADAM:	You're not comfortable.
KAREN:	You mean, I'm not feeling comfortable, or I'm not comfortable on you— for you?
ADAM:	You're not feeling comfortable, are you?
KAREN:	(dramatic sigh)
ADAM:	Spoon. It's the most comfortable for everybody.
KAREN:	(turns away, shuffles in close, flops face-down)
ADAM:	That's not spoon, that's spatula.

Oct 20 2010

"Frozen yogurt is ice cream for pussies."

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"Shhhh. Shhh... Nope. I can't shush myself. Shhh... See? Totally ignoring me. Shhh. Stop it! Argh!"

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"You're second on my bitch list. Second to your fucking reflection. Tosser."

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Oct 19 2010

"Whatever it is, if it comes out of your mouth, it's gotta be bad news."

 or click here

"It's taken years of cake abuse to get this body into the peak of physical fitness. Don't be jealous. Eat caaaake. Mmmm."

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__________

Karen's notes: We're big cake fans. For those of you who have been visiting the blog for a while, you'll know that cake is a recurring theme. For example, there was the classic "cake o'clock" on March 25. And, of course, July 4 was ALL about cake. Mmmmm, caaaake.

Merch update: "Intervention on your stupidness" is now on shirts and mugs. And I think I'll add "years of cake abuse..." as well. I also just put up loads of new ringtones!

Oct 18 2010

"That's it. I'm going to have to call an intervention on your stupidness. I think it will take the form of a brick."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: I love this one!

This is from the nest-egg. Having dined at an all-you-can-eat steakhouse last night, I think we can conclude that meat consumption is inversely proportional to nighttime verbalization.

Added later: I just had to put this one on merch. First one in a while. It'll all be up by tonight.

Oct 17 2010

"Ah, I see you came in then. Oh well. Another potentially awesome day ruined. Thank you. Cock shite."

 or click here

"No, don't bring the elephant in here. Don't do-... Oh, great. Who's gonna clean it up."

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Karen's notes: These are from the nest-egg.

Oct 16 2010

"(whispering) Shhhh. He's here. He'll go away if we're quiet…. OH, god damnit, you gave us away! HI!"

 or click here

Adam then rolled over, put his arm me, and announced:

"Mother-fucker!"

 or click here

"Listen up! I'm phenomenal. And for those of you who don't speak English: blah blah blah blah blah— fuck yeah!— blah blah blah. Thank you."

 or click here

Oct 15 2010

"No, I don't skinny-dip. I chunky-dunk."

 or click here

"Yes, I want to kiss you, but you'd remember. I can't have that. Oh no no no no no no..."

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"My nipples! What color are they? What color are my friggin nipples, god damnit?! I wish they glew in the dark. Then I could see them."

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I think we can all agree that STM meant "glowed". Here is a discussion on the matter:

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KAREN:	You said, "I wish they glew in the dark."
ADAM:	The past tense—
KAREN:	Like throw:threw, glow:glew. That's what you tried to do.
ADAM:	Is there no such word as glew?
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Oh! I made something up!
KAREN:	I don't think this one is one to be proud of. This is just plain bad grammar.
ADAM:	Oh god! STM needs to go to school!

Oct 14 2010

"I'd rather kill aliens than ghosts. Aliens explode in goo, while the ghosts just go whoo."

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Karen's notes: STM has just presented us all with a fascinating discussion topic of great social and political import. Let us embark on a comparative analysis of alien fighting versus ghost fighting.

Oct 13 2010

"Because I don't like fighting clowns! It's the make-up. You don't know what they're hiding. Freaky shit."

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"So? I'm obsessed with the ground. Don't judge me. There are billions of people who are attached to it. So there."

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Ha! Get it? STM made a pun!

This is my personal favorite from last night. Sung to the tune of "Loving You (Is Easy Cause You're Beautiful)":

"Loooooving you is easy cause you don't exist. You're a figment of my imagination…. Wanker!"

 or click here

Oct 12 2010

"I've got bollocks of tea! Share 'em round."

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"(singing) There once was an ugly duckling... big nose bug-eyes ugly freak. Stay away from me. Waddle and a quack, I'll give him a waddle and a quack, right up his feathery fucking arse. Scaring my kids."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: Adam had a quiet night, these are both from the nest egg.

That is the only time that STM has ever mentioned having children. Can you imagine having him (STM, not Adam) as a parent!?

Oct 11 2010

"Brain cell pixelation is becoming more prevalent in nerd society. It needs to be studied more."

 or click here

"Not the maniacal army of lobotomized pigmy goats! You can hear their demented bleats. Listen. Ooooh."

 or click here

Oct 10 2010

"Apologize to the sandwich. It's not its fault. Yeah, you made it. You filled it. Now you're disappointed. It's your problem. Enough with your projecting. Poor sandwich."

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"Just walking to the bus for you is the walk of shame. Walk of shaaaaame."

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"People like you, because you make them feel smarter and better in comparison. Really."

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Oct 9 2010

"I do love you. Nah, fuck it. I can't lie anymore. But I could love you, if I hadn't given myself over to loving somebody from the human race."

 or click here

That was from the nest egg, as there was no sleep talking last night. However, when going through the recording, I found this, of which I have absolutely zero recollection whatsoever. It seems that Adam woke up suddenly in the early hours of the morning to find my face three inches from his, staring intently.

 or click here

ADAM:	AH! AH! .... Oh! Will you STOP attacking me in my sleep! You were attacking me with love weren't you? What did you do?
KAREN:	mumble mumble attacking?
ADAM:	Well, when I wake up and there's this face looming at me, it's a bit scary! Come closer. You come closer! Now go back to sleep the way you were, snoring lightly.

Oct 8 2010

"I've gotta have more people in my life that love my elbows."

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"Well let's face it: I'm so good looking, even my bacteria are cute."

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And the reveal:

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__________

Karen's notes: Try pinching the wrinkly bit of skin on the outside of your elbow. Now pinch harder. Really, really hard. Dig the nails in, even. It doesn't hurt, right? That's because there are no pain receptors there.

My husband whimpers like a little girl when I pinch there, insisting that he is in agony. Sissy.

KAREN:	"I need more people in my life who love my elbows."
ADAM:	Or at least people who don't abuse my elbows.
KAREN:	Who abu— Oh.
ADAM:	Thank you.
KAREN:	It's not my fault that you have nerves in a place that it is medically impossible to have pain receptors. Where are they?
ADAM:	No! No!
KAREN:	No, I'm gonna love them! (singing) I love you, my elbows... Hello elbow. Where's the other one?
ADAM:	On my other arm.
KAREN:	Oh, bring it over.
ADAM:	I can't without twisting myself in an uncomfortable position.
KAREN:	Just bring it over! Come on, don't be selfish with your elbow. How do you think that other elbow's feeling?
ADAM:	Right now? Tired.
KAREN:	Give it to me. No, it wants also to be loved... Where is it?
ADAM:	That's not my elbow!
KAREN:	I can't find your elbow! Here it is. (singing) Elbow.... Well that little part of your arm probably also needs to be loved.
ADAM:	I don't think my body is split up into little individual conscious elements.
KAREN:	Shows what you know.
ADAM:	You're trying to say that every little bit of my body is a separate little conscious being?
KAREN:	Bring it here.
ADAM:	What are you doing?
KAREN:	Give me the other one.
ADAM:	Oh, the one actually just told me it wants to go back to sleep!

Oct 7 2010

"I'm happy, because I'm attractive, and I have lots of friends. You sad sack of shit."

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"Hm. It's a kumquat. What the hell is a kumquat? Seriously, guys, what the fuck is a kumquat? Oh, gee, thank you for that! That's REALLY helpful. Jesus!"

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__________

Karen's notes: For those who have always wondered what the hell a kumquat is, it is a tiny citrus fruit, about the size of those really little tomatoes. Here are some kumquats:

Oct 6 2010

"Everyday I wake up and I think, I look more and more like the perfect me."

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That was from the nest-egg, as we had no actual sleep-talking last night. We did, however, have this bizarre sleep-attack from me:

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__________

Karen's notes: I can explain "I think it had something to do with animals?" For days, I've been obsessively combing the net for animal sanctuaries around the world for our next volunteering holiday. So it's no surprise that I'm seeing nothing in my sleep except vervet monkeys, sloths, sea turtles, manatees, kinkajous, marmosets, cheetahs...

I've added to yesterday's post a fabulous graphic created by Flamboyant Gelatinous Kumquat. (I hope that's okay, Kumquat! If you want to let us know your real name, we'll add that.)

Transcription from reveal:

ADAM:	OH!!!!!
KAREN:	OH OH OH!!!
ADAM:	JESUS!
KAREN:	What's happened? I think I—
ADAM:	What did you do? What was it!?
KAREN:	It was in my sleep, too. I think I was—
ADAM:	GOD DAMNIT!
KAREN:	What did I do exactly?
ADAM:	You karate chopped my face.
KAREN:	No! What?
ADAM:	What were you dreaming to karate chop my face?
KAREN:	I think it had something to do with animals? Or, um.... Sorry I karate chopped your face, baby.

Oct 5 2010

"Ooooh! Ow! I've got a paper cut from my cape. Oh. Cape cut… Oh, cupcake. Mmmm, cupcake. Feel the power of my super human cupcake! Don't forget its sidekick, Pink Icing! Extra kick-ass! Cupcake, yeah…. Still cut my finger though."

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"Where's the floor? The floor's gone. Oh for fuck's sake, the wardrobe's thrown up."
__________

Karen's notes: Oh. My. God. I could not possibly love "cape cut" more. Such an emotional roller-coaster! Grief, awe, triumph... it's all there.

These are both from the nest-egg. Adam may have talked last night, but if he did, you'll have to hear about it later. This post was pre-scheduled last evening so I could leave the house at a horrifying hour to catch a flight to Belfast.

That second one was from MONTHS ago, on one of my recorder mishap mights, so no audio.

Added later: Here's a graphic provided by Flamboyant Gelatinous Kumquat:

Oct 4 2010

"Yeah. Life's a bitch. Hello, Life. Marry me."

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"I'd say welcome to the School of Life, but you wouldn't pass the entrance exam. Dickhead."

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"They can't climb the cushion mountain. Far too much risk of avalanche. Molly mountain goats kicking down the rugs. Must find another way around. Must. I must get to Ice Cream Valhalla."

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Karen's notes: That last one is just plain out there.

Molly = our little beagle

Valhalla = Viking heaven

Oct 3 2010

"Thank you for being you. Now I've got a complete list of how fucking shit people can be."

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This next one came as I was sliding back into bed after going to pee:

"Don't come any closer! You'll water down my greatness with your ordinariness. Fuck off!"

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"Mix tapes. I love making mix tapes. It's like making a little bit of history."

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Karen's notes: Mix tapes figure quite prominently in our relationahip. Adam and I met and fell in love as teenagers spending time abroad in Israel. When we each had to go back to our respective countries, we communicated by sending audio cassettes, talking mixed with music, back and forth (this was before the days of email and the internet). The rest of the story is in the "About" page. In short, boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl are separated by an ocean, boy loses girl for a decade and a half, girl finds boy, girl and boy get married and have a blog.

Oct 2 2010

"I wanna put a dog in charge. They don't start wars. They just want love. And to sniff bums. Yeah, sniff bums. Sniff."

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__________

Karen's notes: No talking last night, this is from the nest egg.

What a wonderful knack STM has for resolving the world's most complex problems with the simplest solutions. If only he ruled us all.

Oct 1 2010

"I like my unicorns medium-sized. Anything bigger is just showing off."

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"It's not lying if I smile and end with 'I love you.'"

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"Big lips! Fat lips! Get your kissing lips here! No, I don't want your lips, but boy, do you want mine. Yeah. Get your kissing lips! Kissing lips. Kiss it!"

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And here's Adam at 3am, helping me to conquer my insomnia:

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ADAM:	Now go to sleep.
KAREN:	I'm so tired.
ADAM:	Stop moving and be quiet.
KAREN:	Mmm-hmm. Sing me to sleep.
ADAM:	(singing to lullaby tune) Go to sleeeeeep, go to sleeeep, go to sleep or I'll punch you....