May 31 2011

"I'm the epitome of seeing is believing. Once you see me, you'll believe there is a god."

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"I don't care if it's Tuesday. You will NOT wear cellophane. Get changed!"

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Random theater offer: Boston theater company Liars and Believers is offering STM fans a special 2-for-1 discount on tickets for their new show Song of Songs: A LoveRomp. It's a really cool show directed by my very own brother! The offer is good for this coming weekend, June 2-5. The discount code is SONG. Read about it and get tickets here.

Final merch reminder: This is the last day to get a free shirt when you buy four! Detail over in the right-hand column.

May 30 2011

"You know, there's something to be said about being punched in the face. Like, 'that hurt, fucker'."

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May 29 2011

"My beauty gives me special powers: Stand next to me, you'll feel invisible."

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And then there's this. I haven't mentioned in a while another bizarre sleep-related habit of his: Often, when Adam wakes up, it is quite suddenly and with a fully-formed, completely coherent pronouncement.

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Adam is talking about a MythBusters episode from last week in which they tackle a scene from the Bourne Supremacy involving a magazine, a toaster, and a gaggle of blown-up bad guys.

ADAM:	(waking suddenly) The timer on the toaster! The timer.
KAREN:	The timer on the toaster?
ADAM:	Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. You know on that MythBusters one, when they had the magazine in the toaster?
KAREN:	(incredulously) Yes?
ADAM:	It can't work because there's always a timer in the toaster and you can't get the toaster to work for 12 minutes. There's no toaster that toasts for 12 minutes.
KAREN:	I have to ask you: How is it possible—
ADAM:	I just thought of it.
KAREN:	But you must have thought of it while you were still asleep!
ADAM:	I had a picture in my head of the toaster.
KAREN:	Oh my god.
ADAM:	I remember seeing the toaster, and I'm like, yeah, imagine him walking out the door and hearing the toaster just go "ca-ching!" He would be like "Fuck, I put it on to light toast again!"

May 28 2011

"I love my mango. Oh yeaaaah. Ooooh, cut it in half and rub it all over me... uuuuuuhhh. It'll give me a mangasm. Mmmmmm. Yeaaaahhh."

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You think the cringe factor on this one was tough for you? I had to listen to it not only IN PERSON, but about five more times to transcribe it exactly. Ugh, I hope I never have to hear it again (shiver).

May 27 2011

"Look at me. That's what I call rapture. Who needs the fucking end of the world? Judgement day, my arse."

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Sounds like STM keeps up with current events. And this next one is no doubt inspired by the Monaco Grand Prix this weekend, which Adam awaits with great anticipation.

"Kiss the apex… gentle on the throttle... faster... yeah... turn ten, ninety miles an hour— (incredulous exclamation) Who put a fucking zebra crossing—?! Seriously, what the fuck? Goddamnit. Come on then, granny, hurry up, move across. Jesus! Fuck!"

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"Kiss the apex" and "turn ten" are car racing terms. "Zebra crossing" is what we call pedestrian crosswalks in the UK.

May 26 2011

"Bad germs, bad germs. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when I throw bleach on you…"

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Adam said this one a couple of nights ago, and I have been chanting it in my head (and sometimes not in my head) relentlessly ever since.

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Merch reminder: You've only got a few more days of the buy-4-get-5th-free promo. So hurry up and find four friends, take down their orders, and snatch the free one for yourself! Detail in right-hand column.

May 25 2011

"I'm so sorry about the pop-tarts. It really should never have happened."

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"I wanted a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with a mag-lite. For fuck's sake, get back in your hole and get it right."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "I wanted a shark with laser beams, and what I got was a manatee with a mag-lite."
ADAM:	The poor manatee.
KAREN:	Why? It's just a mag-lite, he probably doesn't even feel it.
ADAM:	He can use it as a weapon as well. He can hit something with it...
KAREN:	A manatee would never hit anybody.
ADAM:	Out of self-defense, maybe? They've got some weight behind them, those manatees. They're slow, they can creep up on you.
KAREN:	They creep up on you—
ADAM:	and then they kiss you with their bristles.
KAREN:	—and just snuggle you, I know. They're snuggly.
ADAM:	Well, they can fight crime with kindness and cuddles...
KAREN:	Oh, I like that.
ADAM:	...and then hit you over the head with a mag-lite.

May 24 2011

"So, you want a super massivo decaf low-fat stupido motherfuck cappu-fucking-ccino? Okay. Coming right up, cunt."

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"I love you, glow worm. You're all glowy and… wormy. Glowmy! Mmm, all glowmy."

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May 23 2011

"Lead me not to the telephone, but deliver me some email."

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I've been saving this one in the nest-egg for just the right occasion. For those who don't follow the news closely and are thus befuddled, here's the story, which was huge news in the States.

May 22 2011

"Hey, Big Head! No, not you Fat Arse. Oi, Big Head! Oh, Big Nose, keep out of it. Big Head! Oh Jesus, I hate living in the land of giant body parts."

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Ummm, okaaay....

May 21 2011

"The noodles are coming! Stand by your chopsticks. Steady the miso… Steady… Don't do anything until you see the whites of their strands."

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A recurring theme: noodles as aggressors! Remember this?

"History is exciting! There's sex and explosions."

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I suppose that's one way to keep the students in your history class interested. And then, we had another round of those funky sounds:

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May 20 2011

"(in commentator tone) Oh, the penguin parade. Splendidly turned out, in his black and white coat and beautiful red and orange beak. And following him is w— It's dressed exactly the same. No imagination, these puffins. Boring fuckers, really."

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"So you think throwing custard in my face was funny, hmmm? I'm gonna break your face, break it up. Oh, custard!"

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Karen's notes: These are from the nest-egg. We haven't had any sleep talking for a few days in a row. STM, where are yooooooooouuuuuu?

May 19 2011

"Your vagina. It feels like home."

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Oh, he finally said something nice... I think?

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Merch news: I've got a few new things coming into the shops, just in time for a great promo! You'll find I bet you wish you could wear a onesie (finally!), Disco ain't dead, and later today, I'm not waving at you. Buy 'em all!


On a entirely unrelated note, Google Ads never ceases to amuse me. It really does do it's best to figure out what ads to put on your page, based on the keywords it picks up. Today, I'm seeing "Is Your Husband Cheating? New Software To Tap His Cell Phone No access to his phone required."

May 18 2011

"Why are you single? Exhibit 1: your reflection. Case closed."

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"Your nipples are boring. Make me laugh, winky-nips! Make me laugh."

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May 17 2011

"It's your hair. I'd like to see it on your head, not on the side of the fucking bath like a dead mouse."

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Yes, it's true, I have very long, thick, curly hair. And yes, when I comb it out in the shower, I always end up with a big tangled hunk in my comb, which I then put on the side of the tub. And yes, it does indeed look like some sort of forlorn little creature. BUT, I have never, NOT A SINGLE TIME, forgotten to throw it away. In fact, the only time Adam ever sees it is when he comes in during my shower to give me a kiss goodbye. So there, STM, you can just stick your little dig right up your poop-chute.

"Don't you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I'm fucking finished."

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May 16 2011

"Yesterday, your mother lived so far away. Now it looks like she's here to stay. Ohhhhh. I wish it was yesterday."

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I'm not sure this is quite what Lennon and McCartney meant.

After this, Adam shifted his legs on top of mine, so that he had them pinned. Although he did seem to find something sweet about it at first, he didn't ultimately find it comfortable, lucky for me:

"Lumpy…"

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Then we have another series of bizarre noises. It sounds as though STM is having a delightful conversation with an alien:

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And finally, the awakening. I'll preface this by mentioning that Adam and I were at a car boot sale (i.e., flea market) yesterday, and I was searching (in vain, in turned out) for a large set square:

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For those who care, here's a old-style set square:

STM:	Get off! MY set square. Oh. I'll scratch my name on it, see? Death!
ADAM:	Oh... AH! Oh, it's your hand!
KAREN:	Baby, Baby, oh my god.
ADAM:	What the fuck are you doing?!
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	Your hand is porcelian white against the dark of my pilllow. It's not what you expect to see next to your eyes when you first wake up.
KAREN:	Okay, okay.
ADAM:	Not nice. Disembodied hand....

May 15 2011

"I am the hummus of knowledge. And you are the breadstick to dip."

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We had a quiet night, so this came from the nest-egg.

Thanks, everyone, for the wonderful birthday wishes!

May 14 2011

It's my BIRTHDAY!! Here are a couple of the gifts that STM gave me early this morning:

"I hope you guys don't mind, but I brought my vegetarian substitute. Would you mind cooking that roast leg of lamb for me? Just don't let your veggie burgers touch it. Thank you."

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"Hey! I've entered your picture for Britain's Hottest. Mmm-hmm. In the braille section."

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YAY!!!

May 13 2011

Hey everyone. Unfortunately, blogger has been down all day until now, so I was never able to post. I'm just going to hold off today's gems for tomorrow's entry. I wouldn't want anyone to have missed a single moment of STM's wisdom.

Weirdly, yesterday's post seems to have disappeared as well.

Instead, I'll just share this:
http://youtu.be/zNZczIgVXjg

My favorite moment occurs at about 1 minute 20 seconds.

See you guys tomorrow!

May 12 2011

"You say you've got control issues. And I say you're an absolute fucking megalomanic."

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Hmm. We all know someone like that, don't we.

"Just when you think you've seen it all, out pops papa with his conch shell."

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Nope. No idea what that means. Anyone?

May 11 2011

"I need this like I need a second crucifixion."

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"Bickie. Oh, bickie time. Do you have a bickie? If I don't get a bickie, I'm gonna scream you into insanity, bitch!"

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For the yanks, "bickie" = biscuit = cookie.

May 10 2011

"I can't drive with the roof down, but where are we gonna put the dolphins? They love to feel the wind in their blowhole. Pfffffffffff, blowhoooole! Click click click squeak, click squeak squeeeeeak. Awwww, they said 'I love you'. I love you too, dolphins. Just sit down in the back."

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Then we had this bizarre series of sounds:

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And finally, the awakening! I must first explain that "grum" is the name I've given to the little grunting/humming sounds I sometimes make to try and tempt STM to show himself. It often works. This morning, in combination with my hayfever sniffling, it backfired on me:

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KAREN:	sniffle... grum, grum, grum... sniffle
STM:	PIGGY!
ADAM:	Nothing happened.... But, what was it?
KAREN:	What did you say?
ADAM:	Mm-hmm.
KAREN:	"Piggy."
ADAM:	Figures.
KAREN:	(chuckles)
ADAM:	What are you laughing at?
KAREN:	You just yelled "piggy"!
ADAM:	Yeah, well...

May 9 2011

"I don't listen to the crap you say. Why should I give a fuck about the shit you tweet?"

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"I'm not here. I'm somewhere else. Don't look for me. I don't want to be found."

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May 8 2011

"That's it. Your family: One big giant cluster-fuck."

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This one's from the nest-egg; Adam hasn't talked for a few days. Perhaps STM is off on holiday? Anyway, I assure you, this is not about MY family, which is neither giant, nor a cluster-fuck.

May 7 2011

"No more fucking chips. Ohhh. Oh, go on then. With ketchup and mayonnaise. Love you, chips. Chips are my friends. In my tummy, friends! Numnumnumnumnuuuuuum."

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When we were in Belgium last weekend, we had chips (i.e., fries) with every single meal. This is not an exaggeration. Adam came out with this utterance the night we got home. It's nice that he is so inviting toward the chips. Wouldn't you get in his tummy?

May 6 2011

"Right. So, I've punched the singing telegram. Now all I need to do is throw up on the cake. Party time!"

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Hmm. The does sound like a good party.

"Well fine then. Let me return the favor. Let me exterminate you."

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This sounds like it would be a quip in a movie about giant cockroach aliens coming to colonize Earth.

May 5 2011

"I'm not waving at you. I'm just building up for the big fucking slap you're gonna get."

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That statement was preceded by Adam flapping his arm around in the air. And then we had this:

"Am I annoying you? Am I? Am I? Am I really? Am I annoying you? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I— Oh good. I can cross that off my list then."

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May 4 2011

"When I'm with you, I feel again... I feel fucking sick, now go away and churn somebody else's stomach."

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Oh, too bad we missed this one for anti-Valentines cards.

"Disco ain't dead. It's just waiting for the beat to get funky again."

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May 3 2011

"This waffle is my waffle. I will put my ice cream, my sauce, my cream, and even possibly my strawberries on my waffle. And you will watch me eat my waffle. You will watch me as I carefully slice it up bit by bit. You will watch me wipe my mouth and watch me pay. And then you can have some water and we'll go home. My waffle, your loss."

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This one was uttered Saturday night, in Bruges, Belgium. That evening, we had spent about an hour and a half scouring the streets of Bruges for a waffle joint that was still open. We finally found one, and Adam selflessly SHARED with me a delicious waffle laden with the toppings enumerated above.

And this is from yesterday morning, when I woke up to find Adam uncharacteristically awake before me:

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KAREN:	(sounds of waking)
ADAM:	Good morning.
KAREN:	Morning.
ADAM:	Well, the latest news is that a small group of U.S. forces deep in Pakistan have killed Osama Bin Laden. They went in, had a gun fight, killed him, took his body away, and apparently they're saying they buried him at sea.
KAREN:	Why would they do that? That sounds fishy.
BOTH:	(pregnant pause)
KAREN:	Don't. (Adam breaks down laughing) As soon as it was out of my mouth...

May 2 2011

"Must… get… up. It's time to get up for jelly fencing. Where's my mold? Where's my fucking mold? I can't fence without the mold."

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Hey Yanks, here in the UK, "jelly" = "jell-o". Now, imagine THAT sword fight.

"Turtle burgers for everyone! Even you, veggie scum."

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And here we are in the morning, discussing the logistics of turtle burgers:

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KAREN:	"Turtle burgers for everyone! Even you, veggie scum."
ADAM:	What? Turtle burger?
KAREN:	"Turtle burgers for everyone."
ADAM:	Do you think they serve it in the half-shell?
KAREN:	But then it couldn’t really be a burger.
ADAM:	No, the burger bun and everything’s in the half-shell. The half-shell’s the plate.
KAREN:	Ohhhh!
ADAM:	Mm-hmm.
KAREN:	Well, but think about it. The burger would basically take up the whole plate.
ADAM:	Depends when you cook the turtle if it shrinks.
KAREN:	I guess it would.
ADAM:	Mm-hmm.
KAREN:	But do you think you keep on the legs and head?
ADAM:	I think—they’d be the—they’re like the fries, ‘cause you pull them off first and eat them. Like fries. They’d be crunchy.
KAREN:	They would be crunchy, that’s true. What about the claws?
ADAM:	They’ll fall off in the cooking process.
KAREN:	Okay.

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're in Bruges!

May 1 2011

"I like your nose. Just your nose. The rest of you is good for fertilizer. Now GIVE ME YOUR NOSE!"

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"This is a totally sparkly tiara moment!"

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Karen's notes: This post has been pre-scheduled. We're in Bruges!