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Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Sep 28 2011

(with a sudden start) "Cock off, spider! Keep your legs to yourself. Stop playing with the shit that comes out of your arse as well. I don't care how sticky it is, I don't go spreading my shit all over the wall. Fucker! OOH!" (slaps my hand lying next to him)

 or click here

And here is the reveal. I love this one, that Adam can't quite get over the possibility that there might be a real spider involved. A couple of relevant facts: 1) For the past week, we've had a spider living in our bathroom. We've named him Patrick; 2) Adam and the kids have been feeding the spiders in our garden, tossing dead flies into their webs and watching them wrap them up and suck out their inside bits.

 or click here
ADAM: (suddenly slaps my hand, lying nearby) OOH!
KAREN: It's okay. It was just my hand.
ADAM: What're you doing?
KAREN: There was a spider—
ADAM: Did you wake me up— Where is a spider?!
KAREN: You were talking about a spider.
ADAM: Is it in the bed?!
KAREN: Well—
ADAM: I don't want to sound like a wuss, but I'd rather it's not in the bed.
KAREN: No, there weren't any real spiders.
ADAM: You sure?
KAREN: Well I don't know, actually. There could be, by coincidence, but you were just talking—
ADAM: Should we look in the bed? Do you think that Patrick's in bed?
KAREN: I love Patrick!
ADAM: No you don't.
KAREN: Yeah!
ADAM: When was the last time you fed him? Hm? He's an accessory to you, that's all.
KAREN: No, he doesn't like to be fed. He likes to be self-sufficient. They don't like it when you feed them.
ADAM: Well, not the ones in the garden, they seem to love it.
KAREN: No, they're just patronizing you.


  1. A spider named Patrick! Ooh, what fun you guys have! :D I can't really stand spiders, but I've learned to tolerate them.

    I love your conservation! It's funny!

  2. I wish Sleep Talkin Man had seen the last spider in my bathroom. It had TWO heads, Two thorax, One body and 12 legs. Yes, my husband (a scientist at the Uni.) thought I was lying too until he saw it. Sadly he refused to let me photograph it before he removed it. What would Sleep Talkin Man have made of that one? Obviously a successful conjoined twin as it was quite a size, but NOT what you want to see coming towards you whilst perched on the loo.

  3. wow anon.... did your hubby keep it for the Uni?

  4. I am so freaked out by spiders! I think seeing a conjoined twin spider would send right round the bend!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Um, why don't you just do what most people do and kill it?

    Ever since that lady out here got bit by a brown recluse and had to have all her limbs and part of her nose amputated, I make sure to kill any spider I see in or near the house.

    We also had a friend who was bit by a brown recluse and had to have about half the flesh of his shoulder removed because it would not stop rotting away.

  6. Patrick is probably a british house spider, long spindly legs and impressively fast, but non lethal to noses. Mine is called bob and lives in the bathroom window.

  7. Nope, sadly my hubby did not think it worthy of the Uni, and I didn't kill it as it was dying anyway through lack of food. I don't kill spiders as they eat flies and as flies carry disease, they are good to have around. I didn't remove it myself as I am disabled and could not reach it. We always call spiders Boris, after The Who's track "Boris the Spider. Circa 1966.

  8. When we lived in Wisconsin, we usually had a Daddy Long Legs living in the bathroom. Impressive, but not harmful to humans. Now we are in Illinois, and this year the spiders are EVERYWHERE, but not very many make it into the bathroom.It is really not fun to be walking in the yard, go between two stationary objects and get full face web.

  9. I had no problem with spiders, until about 15 years ago. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up maybe 10 or 15 minutes later. I looked down onto my chest and there was an ordinary house spider sitting there. I fussed at it and flicked it off, but couldn't find it to kill it after that. Well, I fell asleep again, and woke up a little bit later and there it was sitting on my chest staring at me again.
    between that and a couple months later where one day I was sitting outside at work smoking. A spider was on the bill of my hat, though I didn't know it was at that moment. I just saw something on the edge of my hat and reached up to knock it off. (thinking it was a leaf or something like that) next thing I know, the spider jumps off and runs away. then a couple weeks after that I can only presume it was the same spider comes up from a crack in the table (same spot and chair, ironically) and starts running toward me. I see this out of the corner of my eye and jerk back. The spider stops and appears to be staring at me.
    since all that happened, I've had real issues with spiders.... they get near me and they must die.

  10. @MsM- We do "the spidey dance" outside at our house. it involves moving your arms up and down quickly in front of your body at head and torso height before walking between two bushes, etc. I don't even look for them first. My son used to feed the garden spiders as long as they built their webs where we didn't need to walk. I let spiders live outside but NOT in my house
    Having said that, I was cleaning out around my pond this summer and got bit on the collarbone by what turned out to be a black widow. Good thing they aren't as poisonous as I thought!

  11. I'm glad I live somewhere without deadly spiders. I lived in a Victorian terrace until a couple of months ago and I have honestly never seen such big spiders outside of a zoo. They were beasts.