June 14 2011

"I've got a great game. You get a car, and a house. A good life. Then shit happens, you lose everything. I'm gonna call it Grand Theft Divorce."

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Oh. Oh wow. Yup, that's a jaw-dropper.

Incidentally, that's pretty accurate. Adam departed company from his first marriage with nothing but a few changes of clothes and his set of Global kitchen knives. Literally.

June 13 2011

"(whispering) It's the soup! It's the soup. It tastes like rancid cock butter. Uch."

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"Yes. You're right. There's a fine line between making people happy and ruining their god-forsaken lives."

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June 12 2011

"The gym is my domain. Machines are my bitches."

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Interesting, considering that Adam hasn't set foot in the gym for weeks.

That was the only thing Adam said last night. This reveal is actually from early Saturday morning, I was just in too much of a rush to transcribe it yesterday. What you need to know is that on Friday, we went to the kids' school to give a presentation about volunteering at the monkey sanctuary in Ecuador. One of the children in year two (second grade) is clearly obsessed with crocodiles, as he kept asking about them (without putting his hand up, I might add). So:

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Sebastian's parents, if you are readers of the blog, Adam does not actually think your child is stupid, nor does he have any intention of using him as a thermometer in predator-infested waters.

STM:	(Lots of little grunts. Mumbling about water. More grunts. More water mumbling. A bizarre, untranscribable sound. Water again. Then—) CROCODILE!
ADAM:	Stupid kid. Got crocodiles in my head.
KAREN:	(chuckles)
ADAM:	Morning.
KAREN:	Morning, Baby, I love you.
ADAM:	I remember dipping my toe in the river, at the rescue centre, checking how cold it was. And then there was a crocodile. That was Sebastian's fault.
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Next time I dream of the river, I'm gonna use him to test the temperature of the water. Then we'll see if he's so excited about crocodiles.

June 11 2011

"I'm like a sunset. People always want to have their picture taken with me... Here's another one. Smile!"

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"If you can do what I can do, then you too can wear plastic pants. Bright orange plastic pants."

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Don't forget that, around these parts, pants means underwear.

June 10 2011

"Watch out! The possums, they'll drop on you from anywhere. Don't look up! Don't look up… Possums dropping! RUN! Oh, nasty."

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Karen's notes: Sorry the post was late today, guys. Adam and I left really early this morning to give a presentation on our volunteering experiences to the kids' whole school! Kids just love pictures of fluffy animals.

June 9 2011

"I'm different to other people. And when I say different, I mean better."

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"Stick! It's not a stick! It's a mother-fucking wand, dickhead. Show you my power!"

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How very Harry Potter of STM.

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Reminder: Hey guys, Father's Day is lurking around the corner. Get your dad an STM card for that special day! The link is over there to the left.

June 8 2011

"I'm bored. Let's go and trip some old people."

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Nice one! And I could tell that Adam was gearing up for one of his marathon sleep talking sessions, too. But then I accidentally passed the red light of the recorder right past his eyeline, with the following results:

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ADAM:	(waking) Whuzzat? Flashing light?
KAREN:	Oh shit. It was me accidentally, with the recorder. I'm sorry.
ADAM:	What are you doing holding the recorder again?
KAREN:	We've been over this so many times!
ADAM:	Okay.
KAREN:	I do it every time because the sound quality is better than the microphone. We've talked about this every time! I'm sorry, Baby. Go back to sleep and talk some more.
ADAM:	You woke me up.
KAREN:	I know.
ADAM:	For that your punishment shall be silence.
KAREN:	I know.
ADAM:	I can't summon STM up at will, you know.
KAREN:	Listen, Sleep Talkin' Man in there, please come back out again later. I didn't mean to shine the light and make you go away. Can you hear me, Sleep Talkin' Man, in there?
ADAM:	Fucking no?
KAREN:	I'm not asking you.

June 7 2011

"Put those finger-toes away. Put them away! Freak of fucking nature. Ugh. Finger-toes, don't you pick things up with them! Ew. That's just not right. You start using them like hands, I'll chop your fuckin' arms off. Then you'll be stuck with them. That'll teach ya."

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I'm with STM on this one. Ever seen people who can do all sorts of fingery tasks with their toes? Gross.

"Stop talking. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, 'kay? Just say 'okay'. Shut the fuck up! Just say 'okay'. Shut the fuck up! Stop talking. Stop talking! Say 'okay'— Shut the fuck up! Ugh."

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Hmmm. Could this be Adam and STM coming into some sort of existential crisis?

ps- am I the only one who can't seem to play the audio today?

June 6 2011

"Your singing can wake the dead. So shut the fuck up. I don't want any zombies dropping their jazz hands all over the fucking place. Alright? Just shut it."

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I wanted to include an image of jazz hands, for those who need the visual. But after plugging the term into Google images, I'd rather let you guys have that full experience. Go on, try it.

"This tossed salad is a joke. There are leaves everywhere! Tidy it up, for fuck's sake. God!"

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Is this a sexual innuendo gone wrong?

June 5 2011

"Pitch funk… Potch fig. Hmmm… Poach funk. Pitch figgle. Ohhhhh. Well, what is it? What is it? ... Well who the hell's ever heard of a pitch fork? I mean, jesus, pitch fork, who's ever heard of a pitch fork? Fuck that shit. I'm bored of your garden quizzes. Piss off! Tossbag... I'll fertilize his garden when he's asleep. Shit in his roses. Fucking bollocks."

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June 4 2011

"I would gargle contents of the arseholes of the recently dead than go out with you. It's not a hard choice really."

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"My moose doesn't moo. It's broken. Broken moose! Fix it please. Fix my moose to moo. Moooose moooooooo."

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Karen's notes: I could tell that Adam was JUST about to start talking this morning, when he suddenly woke up yelling that the pillow was attacking him. Totally gutted. So, these are from the nest-egg.

June 3 2011

"I can't find my elbows. I've got no elbows! Where do I get new elbows from? No, that's a KNEE shop, I need an elbow. Oh, bugger. Elbow shop, where are you?... Found it! Right, I'll be back in two days. Off to get some elbows. Want any?"

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So, I guess that it takes them two days to fit a new set of elbows?

"I've got worms in the shed. A gardener's freakin' nightmare. Seriously. Oh fuck…"

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Too bad I had stopped the recorder this morning just after we woke up. When I played this last one for Adam, he did a brilliant voice-over for the coming blockbuster Worms In a Shed.

June 2 2011

"You're married. That's why you feel paralyzed from the waist down."

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What a delightful view of the institution of marriage.

"I AM the third-person omniscient. I know everything."

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For those who don't remember their middle school education very well, third-person omniscient is the unnamed literary voice that tells a story in "he/she" rather than "I". So basically, what STM is saying here is that he is the all-knowing narrator of the universe?

Amazingly, I had to tell ADAM what was meant by this. He never learned a lot of the formal grammar stuff that many of us did.

June 1 2011

"I'd like to take a minute and talk about your life. Preferably, the last minute."

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"Yeah, that's it. Give the octopus a gentle squeeze, and make him feel loved. Not too hard. No, not too hard&mdash Yeah, that ink is gonna be a bitch to get out."

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May 31 2011

"I'm the epitome of seeing is believing. Once you see me, you'll believe there is a god."

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"I don't care if it's Tuesday. You will NOT wear cellophane. Get changed!"

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Random theater offer: Boston theater company Liars and Believers is offering STM fans a special 2-for-1 discount on tickets for their new show Song of Songs: A LoveRomp. It's a really cool show directed by my very own brother! The offer is good for this coming weekend, June 2-5. The discount code is SONG. Read about it and get tickets here.

Final merch reminder: This is the last day to get a free shirt when you buy four! Detail over in the right-hand column.