"The fruit flies have escaped! Hide your plums! Satsumas flee! FLEE! Oh, this is gonna be total fruitocide. Fuck you, avocado, you're on your own."
or click here"Disco diva! Dancing on toilet again!"
I should mention here that Adam is allergic to avocado and that, to hide his sorrow, he pretends that avocado are undesirable.
This next one came out as I was peeing in our en suite bathroom
or click here
"Stupid vodka-shooting cat!"
or click here"I hate bubbles. Oh sure they're nice and pretty to begin with. But then the rainbow colors just go POP! Instant downer. Mother fucking bubbles."
or click here
And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.
or click here
| ADAM: | What are you doing so awake? |
| KAREN: | Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap. |
| ADAM: | Battery mishap. |
| KAREN: | You woke me up making little noises— |
| ADAM: | Little noises! |
| KAREN: | And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries— |
| ADAM: | You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed? |
| KAREN: | Oh yeah. |
| ADAM: | Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed? |
| KAREN: | I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing? |
| ADAM: | You can see! |
| KAREN: | But you know the crazy thing— |
| ADAM: | I cured you! |
| KAREN: | You waited for me. |
| ADAM: | Piss off. |
| KAREN: | Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking. |
| ADAM: | And did you do your hummy thing? |
| KAREN: | ... A little. |
| ADAM: | Young lady! |
| KAREN: | But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around. |
| ADAM: | I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk. |
| KAREN: | But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it? |
| ADAM: | I know what it was! |
| KAREN: | What? |
| ADAM: | Go to sleep. |
"I don't break hearts. No. I DESTROY THEM. I'm the Death Star of break-ups."
or click here
And then...
or click here
| STM: | Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES! |
| KAREN: | ... Did you say "toes" or "toast"? |
| ADAM: | (face buried in the pillows) Toes. |
| KAREN: | Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby? |
| ADAM: | I don't know. |
| KAREN: | You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!" |
| ADAM: | I gave myself a fright. |
| KAREN: | Aw, come here. Don't be frightened. |
| ADAM: | One minute I think I'm asleep— |
| KAREN: | You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken. |
| ADAM: | You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself— |
| KAREN: | Yeah, and you start awake. |
| ADAM: | I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting. |
| KAREN: | But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes? |
| ADAM: | I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes? |
| KAREN: | Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air. |
| ADAM: | If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about. |
"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."
or click here"It's a cricket bat, dumb-arse! Jesus, dick-shit, a cricket bat. Game of the kings!"
or click here
"You're one weeping snatch away from being a complete fucking bitch."
or click here(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"
Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.
or click here
Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?
"Where's the nail polish remover? It's time to clean your eyeballs. Need the liquid! Mmm-hmmm. And a scouring brush. Yeah. Get into all those hard-to-reach places."
or click here
"I'm the best thing to happen to you since you discovered masturbation."
or click here"Don't you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I'm fucking goddamn finished!"
Wow. That WOULD be tough to beat.
And then we had one of those repeats, in which STM apparently feels he didn't make himself clear the first time. Listen to this:
or click here
And then go back and check out the May 17 post.
"Seriously, could you be any more annoying? Oh. Oh yes, you could. You could be your mother."
or click here"Get up! You gotta get up. We've got some watching to do. Mmm-hmmm. So get up, and make me food! I need food to watch. Gimme some watching food. Mmmm. Watching food."
or click here
What could he be watching? And, what would make good watching food? Any ideas?
"Oh, you've done it now. You've pushed me too far. I'm gonna bring out the attack gerbil and sit back and watch him tear you a new fuckin' asshole. Come on, gerbil, attack! Stop sitting there cleaning yourself looking cute, you fucker, and KILL! KILL!! Damn it. Stupid twitchy nose little thing. Arrrgh. I have to give up this killer-training-for-gerbil thing. Maybe I can train hamsters in the art of the ninja. They'll look cool in black."
or click here
"Watching you dance does remind me of a dyspraxic ice-skating octopus I once had."
or click here
And then, Adam's delightful awakening:
or click here
| STM: | EJACULATE! |
| KAREN: | Do you know what you just said? |
| ADAM: | ... Jacket? |
| KAREN: | No. I don't think so. |
| ADAM: | I have a horrible feeling that I saw something horrible before I woke up. |
| KAREN: | What? |
| ADAM: | I don't quite remember. |
| KAREN: | Well, what you said is a word that... sounds a little bit like jacket. |
| ADAM: | Maggot... Does it rhyme with jacket? |
| KAREN: | No. |
| ADAM: | Well, why don't you tell me what the word is. |
| KAREN: | Okay... |
| ADAM: | Are you cringing? |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | Aw, no. Is it that bad? |
| KAREN: | No, I guess not. Um, I'm pretty sure you just yelled "ejaculate." |
| ADAM: | That would make sense. I had that feeling that there was something horrible coming towards me. |
| KAREN: | Well, does that help you remember what you actually saw? |
| ADAM: | Probably a whole load of ejaculate. |
"You know, the world will be a much better place when we get to eat vegetarians. Furthermore, you get your five-a-day with one of those."
or click here"Imay otay oingay... Oh, kids, just come out with it!"
Just before we went to sleep, we were Skyping with my friend Jenny. Jenny, a vegetarian herself, signed off the conversation by saying, "Don't say anything mean about vegetarians tonight!" Apparently, STM doesn't take requests.
or click here
I was impressed at Adam managing to speak pig latin in his sleep, until I realized that he had thus far said "my toe going".
"Don't stand so close to me. You've even got my asshole dry-heaving. Move away."
or click here
Ugh. I apologize for posting this.
