Oct 22 2011

"Where's the nail polish remover? It's time to clean your eyeballs. Need the liquid! Mmm-hmmm. And a scouring brush. Yeah. Get into all those hard-to-reach places."

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Oct 21 2011

"I'm the best thing to happen to you since you discovered masturbation."

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Wow. That WOULD be tough to beat.

And then we had one of those repeats, in which STM apparently feels he didn't make himself clear the first time. Listen to this:

"Don't you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I'm fucking goddamn finished!"

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And then go back and check out the May 17 post.

Oct 20 2011

"Seriously, could you be any more annoying? Oh. Oh yes, you could. You could be your mother."

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"Get up! You gotta get up. We've got some watching to do. Mmm-hmmm. So get up, and make me food! I need food to watch. Gimme some watching food. Mmmm. Watching food."

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What could he be watching? And, what would make good watching food? Any ideas?

Oct 19 2011

"Oh, you've done it now. You've pushed me too far. I'm gonna bring out the attack gerbil and sit back and watch him tear you a new fuckin' asshole. Come on, gerbil, attack! Stop sitting there cleaning yourself looking cute, you fucker, and KILL! KILL!! Damn it. Stupid twitchy nose little thing. Arrrgh. I have to give up this killer-training-for-gerbil thing. Maybe I can train hamsters in the art of the ninja. They'll look cool in black."

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Oct 18 2011

"Watching you dance does remind me of a dyspraxic ice-skating octopus I once had."

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And then, Adam's delightful awakening:

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STM:	EJACULATE!
KAREN:	Do you know what you just said?
ADAM:	... Jacket?
KAREN:	No. I don't think so.
ADAM:	I have a horrible feeling that I saw something horrible before I woke up.
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	I don't quite remember.
KAREN:	Well, what you said is a word that... sounds a little bit like jacket.
ADAM:	Maggot... Does it rhyme with jacket?
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Well, why don't you tell me what the word is.
KAREN:	Okay...
ADAM:	Are you cringing?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Aw, no. Is it that bad?
KAREN:	No, I guess not. Um, I'm pretty sure you just yelled "ejaculate."
ADAM:	That would make sense. I had that feeling that there was something horrible coming towards me.
KAREN:	Well, does that help you remember what you actually saw?
ADAM:	Probably a whole load of ejaculate.

Oct 17 2011

"You know, the world will be a much better place when we get to eat vegetarians. Furthermore, you get your five-a-day with one of those."

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Just before we went to sleep, we were Skyping with my friend Jenny. Jenny, a vegetarian herself, signed off the conversation by saying, "Don't say anything mean about vegetarians tonight!" Apparently, STM doesn't take requests.

"Imay otay oingay... Oh, kids, just come out with it!"

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I was impressed at Adam managing to speak pig latin in his sleep, until I realized that he had thus far said "my toe going".

Oct 16 2011

"Don't stand so close to me. You've even got my asshole dry-heaving. Move away."

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Ugh. I apologize for posting this.

Oct 15 2011

"No one told me it was a bring your own rubber tortoise party."

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Oct 14 2011

"OOH! Oh, that's interesting. The back of your head is really interesting. No, no, let me keep looking at the back of your head. That's it, yeah. Now, if you walk away as well, it's incredible. Yeah. Keep walking. Fantastic!"

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Oct 13 2011

"I'm gonna need about five more arms, three eyes, and an eighth more brain. Yeah. And then I'll be a one-man X-Box ninja fighting army! Bring it on, bitches!"

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"Oh, jeez. You're so pathetic, you're permanently halfway towards pity sex."

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Oct 12 2011

"Oh no. It looks like we've got one of those Play-Doh homicides. Poor little fellow never stood a chance against THE MALLET. Call in the clear-up team, this one's a little messy."

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We do play with Play-Doh every so often, and Adam likes to make creatures of various ilks. Here's one of his creations. This guy looks too cool to have been the victim.

Oct 11 2011

"Ugh! Moses in a mosh pit, your breath stinks! Have you been sucking out my dog's anal gland? Pheeeeeeewww-eeee!"

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For those who, like us, have a doggie with an anal-gland issue, you can begin to imagine the horror of what that would taste like.

Also, I WILL find a way to use "Moses in a mosh pit" as an exclamation today.

"Sequins: A bag full of sparkly love. Mmm, sparkle sparkle. Yay! Sparkle sparkle..."

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Oct 10 2011

"That's not a goody bag! That's a fucking old shite bag. Fucking plastic toy. Oooh, balloons. You can't give that shit away without expecting a kick in the nuts, now give me a fucking goody bag and make it full of goody!"

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This was from Saturday night. Adam's daughter had gone to a birthday party that day, from which she returned with what I deemed to be a perfectly respectable goody bag. Sounds like STM didn't agree.

And after watching The X-Factor for the first time:

"You know what's so amazing about your voice? No, neither do I. I was hoping you could enlighten me, 'cause personally, I think it's shite. Fuck ooooooffff, mutha-fuckaaa!"

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For those outside the UK, The X-Factor is like American Idol, but with much more varied contestants, and way more heart. We watched it because we were staying at Adam's parents' house, and they are big fans. Unfortunately for Adam, I think I'm hooked.

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ADAM:	(loud smack!)
KAREN:	(horrified gasp) Oh my god! Baby? What just happened?
ADAM:	Where are we?!
KAREN:	We're at your parents'.
ADAM:	Oh, it's not a bad dream. I really am here.
KAREN:	(giggles, then) Baby, what just connected with what?
ADAM:	Oh, yeah, that'd be my aching hand...
KAREN:	With what?
ADAM:	The solid wall.
KAREN:	Aww. Well, you know what, you were twitching and stuff.
ADAM:	So I was just twitching and then I lashed out? Nothing else?
KAREN:	No, I mean, you were talking.
ADAM:	Oh!
KAREN:	The last thing you said before you woke up, I think it was, (yawn) it was related to The X-Factor.
ADAM:	Oh you don't be serious, please no.
KAREN:	You said, "You know what's so amazing about your voice? Neither do I."
ADAM:	You know you can never post that, don't you? 'Cause I don't want anybody knowing that I watch The X-Factor, okay?

Oct 9 2011

"Never, NEVER have a food fight with an octopus. Custard pie eight-shooter with deadly accuracy. Who invited him in the first place?"

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Oct 8 2011

"That's an interesting perfume. What do you call it? Eau de Sweating Shit, maybe?"

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Ugh. Nice one.