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Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Dec 29 2009

"It's CHICKEN and you LIKE IT. Lentil-loving, bean burger-shitting wanker."

"Vegetarians will be the first to go. That's my plan. Vegans haven't got a hope. 'I eat air, I'm so healthy...' Bollocks!"

"Put it down! Step away from the yam. Step away!"

"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."


Dec 26 2009

"Being in the same room with you makes me want to suck the pus out of a rancid nasty rectum."

"Do you like what you see? No? Well, bloody look harder. Strain your eyes!"

"I've got a really terrible terrible feeling about this custard tart. Terrible."

"Peeing standing up rules!"


Dec 25 2009

"I don't want to watch. I want to get my hands dirty, all the way up to my shoulder. Filthy."

"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"


Dec 24 2009

[suddenly, upon waking] "Stop the panther!"


Dec 23 2009

"I'm all blue with gravy spots. And I'm proud of it."

"Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun."


Dec 21 2009

"My snorkle! My snorkle! Judge won't like it if I don't have my snorkle! You PLANT it... Don't want baby snorkles."

"I'd like to tell you what a wonderful person you are. But that would make me a septic gash of a cunt who quite frankly had no concept of right or wrong."

"Ooh! My balls are itchy. Have you got the cheese grater?"

"Awesome. Teddy bears bungie jumping."


Dec 18 2009

"Since when did my underwear look good on you? Take it off. Take it off your face."

"You know, you're not some precious flower. And if you were I'd be a weed and grow next to you and choke you to fucking death!... Love you!"

"Dance for me, go on. Oh you were! I thought you were having a spaz attack..... Doofus."

[in response to wife typing] "clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop... Who brought a horse in the bedroom? Oh well. Looks like I'm sleeping in the barn."

"I'm better than Superman. He's just a cunt.... in underpants."

Wife's note: In support of my suspicion that Adam is actually a different person in these moments, when I told him in the morning what he had said, my English husband responded, "What's a 'doofus'?" Yikes.


Dec 17 2009

"I demand compensation in cola bottles. Lots of fizzy cola bottles. In one lump sum."

"Don't eat the jelly! Don't eat the jelly! I made it with frog wee. It'll turn your teeth green... Like mini apples."

Wife's note: In England, jelly = jell-o


Dec 13 2009

"Of course the zombie loved me. She gave me her heart. Mmmmm-hmmm. And her hand in marriage."



Dec 7 2009

"Put the lobster down. Put it down!"

"Well if I'm the douchebag, you're the contents, Titfuck!"

"Oh, we're going to be late for the pogo ballet, stop it!"

"You keep looking at the sun until your eyes dry up like raisins and fall out of your skull."

"Bum shite"


Dec 4 2009

"Robots making sweets? But they've got no taste buds! Metal smarties."

"Look at you up there on your pedestal. I bet you're proud of yourself.... Twat."

"I love you! No I didn't say it I didn't say it I didn't say it. I coughed.... MMM-hmmm, coughed."


Dec 3 2009

"Wait... wait... I know what it feels like to be like you: Shit."


Nov 30 2009

"You can't be serious. Two snoozes?! (chuckles) Bollocks."

"My brother calls you a cunt. Not me. I didn't do it. My BROTHER did."