Dec 19 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"What goes in one hole hot comes out the other hole hot. Burning fucking curry. Awesome stuff."

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"Of course blue dogs are more expensive. Pink dogs are shite."

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Dec 17 2012

Thank you so much, folks, for the lovely congratulatory comments on Friday! It really made my day.

Here's another one from a few weeks ago. By way of explanation, from the beginning, we've been referring to the baby as "the monkey," mostly because I'm a crazy animal-lover, and the thought of having a little monkey was easier to get my head around than a human baby. This unusually sweet quote (perhaps a first for STM?) came out shortly after we got the news that we are to have a girl:

"You know you're queen of the sunrise when you've got a she-monkey in your belly. That's you, queen of the sunrise."

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And the brief conversation that followed:

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KAREN:	You said, “You know you’re queen of the sunrise when you’ve got a she-monkey in your belly.”
ADAM:	Hello, Your Majesty. Even STM wants to make you feel good, occasionally. Well, actually, this will be the first time.

Dec 14 2012

There's been a bit of a change in our lives that has been influential on Adam's sleep talking of late. I've been saving all of those quotes until I could give them some proper context and I've decided that, for no particular reason at all, today's the day! So, here it is:

I've got a little somebody cooking in my belly! That's right, Sleep Talkin' Man will soon have an ally to help him keep me up through the night.

There's lots of excitement around the premises, of course, and mixed in we've got the expected small dose of apprehension. And that's where STM comes in...

"I'll tell you what to expect when you're expecting... AHH! (yells himself awake)"

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Keep an eye out for more pregnancy-inspired gems over the next few months.

Dec 12 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"There you go again, wasting decent oxygen on talking."

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"I just don't like those german shepherds and their achtung sheep."

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Dec 10 2012

"Baby, if you've got worms to sell, sell 'em! Enjoy."

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"It was an awful, AWFUL sight. The Carrot Stick Wars. We shall never forget. Never forget."

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Dec 7 2012

"Ooh! Straight-jackets online! Christmas sorted."

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"No, you can't bring your furry grommets in here. I said no! I swear, you bring those furry little critters in here, I'm gonna do some head stomping. Yeah, fucking furry grommet head stomping. Stomp. Stomp stomp. Squishy squishy squishy squish. See? Yeahhh."

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And the illuminating reveal:

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ADAM:	Grommets are things you get in your ears, aren't they? What are grommets? I'm thinking of a little furry thing, I don't know what a grommet is.
KAREN:	Okay, grommets are not furry by nature.
ADAM:	Oh.
KAREN:	Grommets are usually metal things that you put into material. The sashes for the curtains.
ADAM:	Yes?
KAREN:	The metal hole-things I made. That's a grommet.
ADAM:	Oh! A grommet for me is a fluffy, like—
KAREN:	Well, 'cause, the word is really cute.
ADAM:	Kind of fluffy big googly-eyed little round thing that goes (sound effect of funny little creature) and wobbles on the ground.
KAREN:	Well, the fact that that's what you thought a grommet is does explain why STM thinks that's what a grommet is. So, you knew the word "grommet" before.
ADAM:	I have heard of the word "grommet."
KAREN:	But you thought it was a cute furry creature with googly eyes.
ADAM:	Don't laugh at me.
KAREN:	Where did that idea come from? In what context have you heard the word "grommet?"
ADAM:	I know I have heard the word "grommet" in relation to children's ears. They have had operations to remove grommets.
KAREN:	What?!?!? Okay, I'm gonna look that up, and why would THAT be a cute furry thing with googly eyes?!
ADAM:	I don't know!!
KAREN:	That's really disturbing!
ADAM:	I don't know anything.
KAREN:	"You have a grommet growing out of your ear! We’re going to get that little critter out of there." Hold on. I'm going to put in "grommet" and "ear." Oh, yep, yep, hey! Uh… (reading) Ohhhh! A grommet is also—You know the tubes that they implant surgically in people's ears…
ADAM:	What?!
KAREN:	Ear tubes.
ADAM:	No?! I thought it was something that grew in there. That they had to remove. I don't know. Either way, it's not a cute furry animal, is it.
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Right.
KAREN:	But here's what's frightening me: you knew there was an association with ear surgery on children, and yet you still thought it was a furry little critter with googly eyes.
ADAM:	Hang on, hang on, hang on. No, no, no. I am aware of the word "grommet" in association with children's ears and something wrong with them. I IMAGINE, if someone said to me a grommet is a creature, what that grommet would look like.
KAREN:	Uh-huh, okay.
ADAM:	I didn't— Yes. Yes. Get it right.

Dec 5 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"Everybody wriggle. Everybody wriggle. It's maggot mayhem."

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This quote has actually become far more relevant than it was when STM muttered it almost three years ago. These days, Adam is an avid fisherman, and we frequently have boxes of wriggling little maggots around the house. He's even found an online shop that ships them to you. That package did NOT go down well at work.

"My ass and my personality are the same thing. Huge and in your face."

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Dec 3 2012

"There's something in that turkey hopscotch. I can't stop watching. Gobble gobble."

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Yes, that would be an eye-catcher.

"Pink brassiere running around. Oh, it ran in the bedroom. Lie in the sun, in a little patch. Let him run around, and lie down."

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I'm thinking we need to see both of these as illustrations.

Meanwhile, don't forget to order your holiday merch in plenty of time! We've got t-shirts, baby wear, aprons, laptop sleeves, mugs and mousepads is a variety of classic STM zingers!

Nov 26 2012

I'm so sorry I've missed a week of posting, folks. I've been in the States away from Adam, suffering from ongoing jetlag, a bad cold, and constant over-eating. But I'm back in the saddle, and looking forward to going through all of the audio that's been accumulating on the recorder while I've been away!

"Jumping's for pussies. You gotta try leaping. It takes balls to leap."

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"Oh, monkey-shit coffee beans!"

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And the reveal....

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RECORDING:	Oh, monkey shit coffee beans!
ADAM:	Isn't there meant to be a great coffee made out of monkey poop?
KAREN:	Uh—
ADAM:	I'm sure I've heard something—
KAREN:	Not made out of monkey poop, but they do something where they—
ADAM:	Oh, isn't it that monkeys have eaten the coffee beans, and then—
KAREN:	Yeah. I've heard that.
ADAM:	You gotta Google that. Monkey shit coffee beans.
KAREN:	Well, I think I probably have to use different words.
ADAM:	That'd be an interesting blend to use at Costa. "I'll have a monkey shit macchiato, please."
KAREN:	(typing into Google) "Coffee… monkey…" (results!) "Coffee Monkey beans: The world's most expensive coffee is from beans cycled through an Indonesian monkey's digestive system." There are other things, there's something called Kopi Luwak, "made from the beans of coffee berries which have been eaten by Asian Palm Civets, and other related civets." Yeah! You see, Sleep Talkin' Man, he's a man of the world.

Nov 16 2012

"My hand is not your butt-warmer! Remember that."

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"There's no party like a cheesy cheese cheesy cheese cheesy cheese party."

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Nov 14 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else."

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"Flap's on fire. Your flap's on fire! Chili in the vagiiiiina. I'm a bad bad boy."

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Nov 12 2012

"How the hell am I meant to put a liger between the phoenix and the unicorn?... Fuck it. I can't read Noah's writing anyway."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "How am I supposed to fit a liger between the phoenix and the unicorn? Oh, fuck it, I can't read Noah's handwriting anyway."
ADAM:	It's my fault. None of them are here.
KAREN:	Awww. There are still ligers.
ADAM:	(whimpering) It's my fault!?
KAREN:	No, there are still ligers, don't worry!
ADAM:	But the unicorns!
KAREN:	That's true.
ADAM:	Well, phoenixes, you know, fuck it. They rise from the dead anyway.
KAREN:	So we can only blame the unicorn on you.
ADAM:	Are there definitely ligers?
KAREN:	Yeah. But they don't occur naturally. They happen in captivity. They're extremely intelligent.
ADAM:	Really?
KAREN:	Oh, yeah, they're much larger than either a lion or a tiger, and extraordinarily intelligent.
ADAM:	Can they do crosswords? No, they can't, 'cause they can't hold the pencil, 'cause they haven't got an opposable thumb. Not that clever.
KAREN:	It's not their fault if they don't have an opposable thumb.
ADAM:	Okay. I'll concede that point. But can they do crosswords? No.
KAREN:	I bet if we made a crossword in Ligerese they could.
ADAM:	Oh. Ligerese. One across, four letters, a loud noise. Oh, "roar," there we go. Another four-letter word, five down, anything that moves. Ah, "food." And that's a cryptic crossword.

Nov 9 2012

"It's your birthday! YAYYYYY! I think I'll rename this day God's Greatest Fuck-up Remembrance Day."

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"Not the devil's avocado!"

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He's right. That IS scarier that the Devil's Advocate.

Nov 7 2012

Wednesday Rewind

"Yeah, keep looking. It doesn't get any better than this."

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"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."

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Nov 5 2012

"You know, you're right at the top of my list of things I couldn't give a flying fuck about. Yep, right at the top."

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And then, poor Adam had another one of his rude awakenings, care of STM (rest of transcript below):

"It’s another moose! (desperate, terrified panting) ANTLERS!!"

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STM:	It’s another moose! (desperate, terrified panting) ANTLERS!!
KAREN:	(snort, giggles)
ADAM:	Hello.
KAREN:	There was a sound outside, like, maybe around the rubbish bins? And you said, "It’s another moose!" And, this very fearful, questioning yell, "ANTLERS!"
ADAM:	They’ve got big antlers, don’t they? M— Moo— Mooses? Mice? How about a mouse with antlers? They’ll keep failing over head first with the weight of it.
KAREN:	Not if they were to scale.
ADAM:	They’ll keep running into their little home and smacking them. They can’t get in because the antlers are too big.
KAREN:	Aww.