"If you look at me again, I'm gonna bugger your fucking eyeballs and eat them, so you stare at my shit."
or click here"From now on, papaya shall be known as cunt-fruit. Yes. Nasty cunt-fruit. Mushy and smelly cunt-fruit. You don't like the word, don't make me say it again."
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And a typically peaceful awakening:
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| STM: | POOPS! |
| ADAM: | (wrenching his back) Ow! |
| KAREN: | What did you say? |
| ADAM: | Ow! |
| KAREN: | I heard the "ow" part. |
| ADAM: | Ow, hurt my back. |
| KAREN: | Oh, Baby. Oh, no. |
| ADAM: | Get me a replacement back— WHAT WAS THAT! |
| KAREN: | That was me, Baby. |
| ADAM: | OW-how! |
| KAREN: | I was trying to touch your head like this— |
| ADAM: | You just put your finger in my eye! |
| KAREN: | I can't see anything, and, let me show you, I was just trying to just pet your forehead, and I— |
| ADAM: | You did— You did— You did that and— Oh, my eye! |
| KAREN: | What did you think it was going to be? |
| ADAM: | Well, it's dark, I was not expecting anything, let alone a finger in the eye as a way of being nice to me. |
| KAREN: | It was not in your eye! |
| ADAM: | Baby, where's your finger? (taking it on a tour) Okay: head, ear, nose, eye. |
| KAREN: | No, it's not in your eye. |
| ADAM: | It is! |
| KAREN: | It was on the top of your eye. Not in your eye. |
| ADAM: | Baby, are we going to argue about the position? |
| KAREN: | Yeah. |
| ADAM: | Because eye is eye: top, middle, bottom, left, or right. Okay? |
| KAREN: | Oh, I'm sorry, I love you. |
| ADAM: | Why do you always say "I love you" after you say you're sorry for hurting me? It's husband battery. |
| KAREN: | No. |
| ADAM: | Mmm. Second degree. |
"Hey! Hey. You killed my velociraptor, dickhead. That's so unfair. You do realize how hard it is to find one of those round here, don't you?"
or click here"You never take my balloons out for a walk. They need some fresh fucking air, take 'em outside this time. And on a long walk. They like the sun. Don't take them to the park. I don't want them on the swings, they're too little for swings. And the round-a-bout will make them sick, just take them on a nice walk. See the duckies. Bye balloons!"
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I don't know about the velociraptor, but I can definitely explain this one. We've had this balloon sitting around the house from Adam's birthday celebration. It's mortifyingly ugly, but I've kept it simply because I'm astounded by how long it has managed to stay afloat. It's been six weeks, people! It's like the balloon and I are in a competition to see who can last longer.
Before it dies of knife wounds tonight, I'm going to give it a moment of fame. So here it is:
And here's the close-up. See if you can spot my attempt at personalization:
"Give me a C! Give me a U! Give me an N! Give me a T! What'dya get? You. Pathetic wank stain."
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All he needs are some pom-poms and a short skirt! You guys should be really relieved I didn't photoshop that one.
"I'm a fucking goose, dickhead! Duck, indeed."
or click here"I bet you wish you could wear a onesie and look this good."
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When I played this one for Adam, he said, "Oh no, people are going to think I'm just trying to plug merchandise." To which I responded, "Hey, what a great idea!" So, here you go, people. Don't you want your baby to look as good as STM? Get your onesies here!
Actually, that quote's not in the shop yet, I'll have it in by tonight.
"I could go find somebody who could surgically remove that stick from up your arse. Or, you could just chill the fuck out, Batman. Choose."
or click here"I'm gonna kick you so hard, your nuts are gonna look like Christmas balls. Now give me back my wings! And the tiara."
It's true, Batman's wound pretty tight.
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Sounds like STM is playing the angel in a nativity play.
"I'm no doctor, but I swear it's bacterial vaginosis. Your crotch smells like onion soup. Next, please!"
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Anyone notice a theme the past couple of weeks?
"Go on, cry mother-fucker. I'm gonna dip my dim sum in your tears."
or click here"I think you're gonna work much faster with a gun against your head. Here: Pythagoras' theorem. Quick, quick! Lock and load."
We did, in fact, have dim sum for dinner last night.
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Well, STM may not be a very sensitive teacher, but he certainly gets results. I'm sure that you all remember the Pythagorean Theorem. How to calculate the sides of a right triangle? a2 + b2 = c2? Come on, this is geometry 101, people!
And finally, Adam's delightful awakening:
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| STM: | No. No, monkey. No! No. Don't you fucking dare, monkey. Bastard, no. MONKEY SNOT! |
| KAREN: | (breaks out laughing, then) Baby, do you know what you just yelled? |
| ADAM: | Yes. He was wiping it on me! I remember. |
| KAREN: | Awww. That's terrible. |
| ADAM: | He was so big, and it was coming out in these huge globs. |
| KAREN: | Aww. |
| ADAM: | And he was just pinning me down, and it was dripping onto my face. |
| KAREN: | That's horrible! |
| ADAM: | He's a bully! And he was laughing. |
| KAREN: | Oh, Baby. |
| ADAM: | He was going ah ah ah ah as it was dripping out of his really horribly filled up nose. |
| KAREN: | Aww. Are you alright? |
| ADAM: | It's okay. I'll go back to sleep and I'll kick his fucking arse. |
"Why don't you call back later, and we'll see whether we can get the world to revolve around you."
or click here"Pass me that brick. And you'd better start praying. 'Cause I'm gonna teach you that prayer don't heal shit, dickhead."
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Perhaps that one was in honor of Good Friday?
And here's a conversation from the early morning. Note that a "lie in" is a day that you don't have to get up and out of bed early, and, yes, that's how "zebra" is pronounced here (I'm rather mortified that this sort of thing is happening. But at least I'm not developing the Madonna accent).
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| KAREN: | We get to have a lie in tomorrow. |
| ADAM: | I want a giraffe. |
| KAREN: | (snorts at Adam's terrible joke. Then,) What are the big five? Is it elephant, lion— |
| ADAM: | The big five what? |
| KAREN: | When they talk about safari... |
| ADAM: | Elephant, lion— |
| KAREN: | Zebra, giraffe... |
| ADAM: | Dung beetle. That's a safari for really small people |
| KAREN: | REALLY small people. |
| ADAM: | Yeah. |
| KAREN: | We're not talking little people. |
| ADAM: | No, no, no. We're talking— |
| KAREN: | Gnomes. |
| ADAM: | Yeah. |
| KAREN: | Probably even smaller! |
| ADAM: | I was thinking more secret government experiment small people. |
| KAREN: | Mmmmmm. |
"It'll suck to be a moose. You just can't play Pong."
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And the reveal!
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For those who spent the late 70's - early 80's in a cave (or as a mere twinkle in their parents' eyes), Pong was, like, the first video game most of us ever saw! Ah, the memories....
| KAREN: | You said something like, "I don't wanna be a moose. You can't play pong." |
| ADAM: | Maybe with their antlers they could. |
| KAREN: | Yeah. They could even play pong against themselves, between their two antlers. |
| ADAM: | Oh! |
| KAREN: | Solitaire pong. |
| ADAM: | No, it's a bit boring, 'cause they can't watch it, though. |
| KAREN: | (getting sleepy) Mmm. |
| ADAM: | It'd make them go dizzy, and give them eye strain. |
| KAREN: | Mmmm. |
| ADAM: | It could be like a mating ritual between two moose. I take it it is "moose" not "mice". |
| KAREN: | (more sleepy) Mm-hmm |
| ADAM: | Or meese. |
| KAREN: | Mm. |
| ADAM: | Like geese and goose. |
| KAREN: | (totally sleepy) Mmmm. |
| ADAM: | Moose and meese. |
| KAREN: | Mmmmm. |
| ADAM: | I wonder why. Why does that one break the rules? |
| KAREN: | Mmm-hmmm. |
| ADAM: | You're not even listening. |
| KAREN: | Mmmmmm. |
| ADAM: | It's ok, I'm used to it. Sleep Talkin' Man is used to it, as well. |
| KAREN: | Mmm. Mmm. |
| ADAM: | The world listens. My wife doesn't. |
| KAREN: | Mmmm. |
"What a great way to start the day, talking about dog farts and placenta."
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That fascinating declaration was from the nest-egg, as there was no sleep talking per se last night. I did, however, find the following bizarre conversation, of which neither Adam nor I have any recollection.
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I especially like Adam's utterly disdainful "What?!"
| ADAM: | Now listen— |
| KAREN: | (something something???) definitely gay. All that... pink... um... um... robes. And you all want them. |
| ADAM: | What?! |
| KAREN: | Umm... I know what I mean. I know. I know. |
| BOTH: | (Kiss) |
