Dec 31 2010

"Oh, thank you for inviting me to dinner. I would rather drink the contents of a week-old enema. Maybe we'll have coffee."

 or click here

Ok, that bit of charm was from the nest-egg, as there was no actual sleep-talking last night. But, this was how Adam woke up this morning:

 or click here

ADAM:	LEECHES! (slapping at his chest) Oh, it's Molly. Paw.
KAREN:	Molly's paw feels nothing like a leech.
ADAM:	She's scratching on my chest.
KAREN:	Oh, Molly, don't scratch Daddy's chest.
ADAM:	My back is killing me.
KAREN:	Uh-oh.
ADAM:	I've gotta be really careful. So, there will be no Time Warp for me this new year. I have to Time Warp at least once a decade.
KAREN:	Hey, we're going from 2010 to 2011!
ADAM:	This was the naughties, so what's the next decade then?
KAREN:	The naughties?! I've never heard that! I missed ten whole years of being able to say that?
ADAM:	No, we call it the naughties here.
KAREN:	But I missed being able to say it.
ADAM:	Oh I'm sorry, Baby. So then what are we gonna call the next decade, is it the teenies?
KAREN:	Yeah!!

Dec 30 2010

"Why don't you close your eyes. See that? That's how many friends you have. Yeah, you can cry. I would. Next!"

 or click here

"The spoons. You stole the teaspoons. It's the egg-cup incident all over again! Curse you and your cuisine nastiness."

 or click here

"Yayyyyyyyyy! It's me! Ta-da!"

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: A reader emailed to let us know that STM has been BANNED in the United Arab Emirates! What did it, do you think? The constant stream of self-adoration? The repeated mention of ninjas? The unabating derision of lentils? How, oh how, did we manage to offend?

Well, thanks for letting us know, Rachel. I hope you do manage to make your VPN work so that we can keep you as a reader, preferably without you ending up in prison.

Dec 29 2010

"Fuck! If I don't get to the mother fucking flower show, I'm gonna fucking kill someone!"

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: Ah, such passion for flowers. A sure sign of a delicate soul.

(From the nest-egg.)

Dec 28 2010

"Shhh. I'm joining the ninja choir. We have to harmonize in silence. So shush."

 or click here

This was about 9:10. I knew the alarm was about to go off, so, figuring it for a nicer, gentler awakening, I start petting Adam with the soft fuzzy blanket...

 or click here
(transcript below)

__________

Merch update: There are two more days for 15% off all orders in the shirt shops. AND, I've added a bunch of new ring tones, including "mongabee", "don't judge me", and "arsehooole"!

STM:	Stop it Molly. STOP IT, MOLLY! Go away. Shhh.... Go to Mommy.... GET OFF.... I will fucking skin you alive and wear you like a slipper.
	(Adam wakes up, and I finally break down laughing.)
KAREN:	I— I was trying—
ADAM:	You being nasty to me? Are you being nasty to me?!
KAREN:	No!
ADAM:	You're being nasty!
KAREN:	No, listen—
ADAM:	No, I'm not listening, you've got nothing to say to me—
KAREN:	I was trying to wake you up really nicely, by doing this, look, and you kept telling Molly to go away, and then you said, "Molly, I'll skin you alive and wear you like a slipper!" Molly, Daddy didn't mean it. Come here.
ADAM:	Come see Daddy.
KAREN:	I actually do— I do want to have her stuffed.
ADAM:	In what position?
KAREN:	Beagle bagel. Here's the plan: we get Molly stuffed, but with soft—
ADAM:	Today?
KAREN:	No. But with soft stuff inside her. And there's a heating coil inside as well so she's warm, and then we have her in bed.
ADAM:	You can't get soft stuffed animals.
KAREN:	Why?
ADAM:	Because you can't.
KAREN:	Yeah, we will, we'll find a way.
ADAM:	You can't because the embalming fluid—
KAREN:	Hmm. Let's study this. I'm going to learn how to do it in time. Molly, Mommy's gonna stuff you. I'm gonna do it myself—
ADAM:	This isn't a nice conversation—
KAREN:	And we're gonna keep you in the bed.
ADAM:	Are you gonna give her a little mini bellows as well so she breathes in and out?
KAREN:	And then you can still sleep with us. Poor little slipper.

Dec 27 2010

"Oh for pity's sake, man. It's banana, banana, mushroom, banana, no apples! No apples! What the fuck are you playing at? Oh, Jesus!"

 or click here

"You got an issue with my goat, you got an issue with me. Come on, goat. We're going somewhere where we're welcome. Baaaaah."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: About this banana, banana, mushroom thing. We've been playing Mario Kart on the Wii, which Adam won in a raffle last week. He always comes in 1st place, I always come in 12th. Goddamn mushrooms.

Dec 26 2010

(sort of singing) "Do re mi... fucking so la ti do, arsehole."

 or click here

"I need warblers. Not Wombles, warblers! Yes, there's a fucking difference! Gotta keep my people happy."

 or click here

And then there was the wake-up, at 3 am:

 or click here
(transcript below)

__________

Karen's notes:

Do Re Mi: It turns out they always show The Sound of Music during Christmas here in the UK. Personally, I prefer It's A Wonderful Life.

The Wombles: Another one of Adam's childhood TV programs, all about recycling. Adam read yesterday that the creator has passed away. And, yes, he did make me watch an episode. It was a lot like Bagpuss.

STM:	DICKHEAD!!
ADAM:	Oh!
KAREN:	Oh, Baby.
ADAM:	And a merry Christmas to one and all.
KAREN:	Who's a dickhead?
ADAM:	You calling me a dickhead?
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Did I upset you?
KAREN:	No, you called the entire neighborhood a dickhead.
ADAM:	By name?
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Sorry everyone! Don't take it personally.

Dec 25 2010

From the nest-egg, saved for this special day:

"Jesus needs me. If I don't believe, he don't exist."

 or click here

(A worrisome state of affairs for Jesus, as STM is Jewish.)

Merry Christmas, Christmas-celebrating folk!

Dec 24 2010

"Your voice has that haunting melody of whale song… without pitch or tone. Painful. Fucking painful."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: Don't forget, this is not the first time that STM has implicated whales in his infinite quest for the perfect insult.

Dec 23 2010

"I will not do emails. No. I'm computer eliterate."

 or click here

"You've got ping pong all wrong. You pong instead of ping. Stop ponging. Don't pong. Don't poooong!"

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: Last evening, Adam channeled STM. An advert for some psuedo-chic hair-care line came on TV. It was clear that the guy in the ad was meant to be a known personality (I'm often clueless about such things here in the UK), so I asked who he was. Adam replied, "You can go look him up in the dictionary... The dictionary of twats!"

Dec 22 2010

WEDNESDAY REWIND: STM on Artistic Expression

"I made snot pictures. I sneeze in my gallery, all day. Lots of different colours. Making bogey money."

 or click here

"Dance for me, go on. Oh you were! I thought you were having a spaz attack."

 or click here

"Correctomundo! Take the frame and shit on it, stick it on the wall and stare at it with pride. Cause that's the best thing you're ever going to do."

 or click here

"You tap-dancing hamsters. You rock my world, with your little blurry feet."

 or click here

"I'm gonna take charge of the hippos humming choir. They need more harmony. And definitely more bass."

 or click here

__________

Merch news: The shirt shop's offering one last promo for the year:

Dec 21 2010

"One... two... four... It's one. Oh, bollocks! Three arseholes in my life, there's three! Uch, I'll never get this right..."

 or click here

"Happy birthday! As far as I'm concerned, you're living too long."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: These were uttered around 6:30 this morning, after Adam and I had already been awake for a while. As Adam was drifting back to sleep, he was watching me answer hundreds of multiple-choice practice questions for my "Life in the UK" exam.

I can just see STM taking his "Life as STM" test, poring over questions like:

Who would win in a battle between the dumplings and the noodles?

What are the three steps to happiness?

What is your most hated food?

What is the preferred form of a stupidness intervention?

How many arseholes are in your life?

Dec 20 2010

"Awful! Awful awful awful. Too much to carry, and not enough credit. The world sucks."

 or click here

"Come on! Jump into my chocolate-filled love pool."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: From the nest-egg a few of weeks ago. I'm thinking that first one may resonate for many of you at this time of year.

Dec 19 2010

"God, I can read your mind. I see blank pages, more blank pages— oh, cute kitty! Oh, lovely little kitty— more blank pages... God, you're so vacant."

 or click here

Dec 18 2010

"Am I turning into a unicorn? Am I? Only, I'm not into the horn. I could be a unic. Like, unique. Yeah."

 or click here

"This is your driver speaking… or is it? Captain Paranoia!"

 or click here

Dec 17 2010

"Don't ask me what time I'm gonna call. I'll fucking call whenever I want. Kisses!"

 or click here

"Mind the doors! But don't mind me. I'm trying to drive this thing blindfolded. Yee-haw!"

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: I think STM still has a bit of work to do on his wild-west persona.

Merch update: I've added "Don't judge me" on shirts and mugs and bags and iPad sleeves and all sorts of stuff.