"No one told me it was a bring your own rubber tortoise party."
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20111015
20111014
Oct 14 2011
"OOH! Oh, that's interesting. The back of your head is really interesting. No, no, let me keep looking at the back of your head. That's it, yeah. Now, if you walk away as well, it's incredible. Yeah. Keep walking. Fantastic!"
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20111013
Oct 13 2011
20111012
Oct 12 2011
"Oh no. It looks like we've got one of those Play-Doh homicides. Poor little fellow never stood a chance against THE MALLET. Call in the clear-up team, this one's a little messy."
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We do play with Play-Doh every so often, and Adam likes to make creatures of various ilks. Here's one of his creations. This guy looks too cool to have been the victim.
20111011
Oct 11 2011
"Ugh! Moses in a mosh pit, your breath stinks! Have you been sucking out my dog's anal gland? Pheeeeeeewww-eeee!"
or click here"Sequins: A bag full of sparkly love. Mmm, sparkle sparkle. Yay! Sparkle sparkle..."
For those who, like us, have a doggie with an anal-gland issue, you can begin to imagine the horror of what that would taste like.
Also, I WILL find a way to use "Moses in a mosh pit" as an exclamation today.
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20111010
Oct 10 2011
"That's not a goody bag! That's a fucking old shite bag. Fucking plastic toy. Oooh, balloons. You can't give that shit away without expecting a kick in the nuts, now give me a fucking goody bag and make it full of goody!"
or click here"You know what's so amazing about your voice? No, neither do I. I was hoping you could enlighten me, 'cause personally, I think it's shite. Fuck ooooooffff, mutha-fuckaaa!"
This was from Saturday night. Adam's daughter had gone to a birthday party that day, from which she returned with what I deemed to be a perfectly respectable goody bag. Sounds like STM didn't agree.
And after watching The X-Factor for the first time:
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For those outside the UK, The X-Factor is like American Idol, but with much more varied contestants, and way more heart. We watched it because we were staying at Adam's parents' house, and they are big fans. Unfortunately for Adam, I think I'm hooked.
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| ADAM: | (loud smack!) |
| KAREN: | (horrified gasp) Oh my god! Baby? What just happened? |
| ADAM: | Where are we?! |
| KAREN: | We're at your parents'. |
| ADAM: | Oh, it's not a bad dream. I really am here. |
| KAREN: | (giggles, then) Baby, what just connected with what? |
| ADAM: | Oh, yeah, that'd be my aching hand... |
| KAREN: | With what? |
| ADAM: | The solid wall. |
| KAREN: | Aww. Well, you know what, you were twitching and stuff. |
| ADAM: | So I was just twitching and then I lashed out? Nothing else? |
| KAREN: | No, I mean, you were talking. |
| ADAM: | Oh! |
| KAREN: | The last thing you said before you woke up, I think it was, (yawn) it was related to The X-Factor. |
| ADAM: | Oh you don't be serious, please no. |
| KAREN: | You said, "You know what's so amazing about your voice? Neither do I." |
| ADAM: | You know you can never post that, don't you? 'Cause I don't want anybody knowing that I watch The X-Factor, okay? |
20111009
Oct 9 2011
"Never, NEVER have a food fight with an octopus. Custard pie eight-shooter with deadly accuracy. Who invited him in the first place?"
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20111008
Oct 8 2011
"That's an interesting perfume. What do you call it? Eau de Sweating Shit, maybe?"
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Ugh. Nice one.
20111007
Oct 7 2011
"So the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after... Until the mermaid's brain exploded. The end."
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Aaaaaand the reveal:
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| KAREN: | You also said, "the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after. Until her brain exploded. The end." |
| ADAM: | A twist on the... It's not a nice kind of story to tell kids. |
| KAREN: | Wouldn't it be funny if STM came in to do reading hour in a public library? |
| ADAM: | I did have to go to nursery to read the kids a story. Oh my God, I just remembered the story I read them. Okay, so, parents are invited to go and ready a story to their children's class at nursery. And they can come and read a book of their choice. Me being me, I wouldn't take any book. No. I brought the book about the story of the mole and the poo. It was about a mole who came out of the ground, and as he was poking his head out of the ground for the first time ever, something pooed on his head. And he had to go around to all different animals to find the different poos to work out who it was that pooed on his head. It was a great story. The kids loved it. The teacher's face was horrific. But once I started, they just couldn't stop me. Yeah... It wasn't called Who's Poo Is It Anyway... Oh! The Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business. |
| KAREN: | Come on. |
| ADAM: | Yup. |
| KAREN: | It's a book? |
| ADAM: | Yup. Soon to be a film, I'm sure. And so, he went to visit all the animals, and as he was exploring the poos there were sound effects to go with each. |
| KAREN: | Like SPLAT? |
| ADAM: | There was lots of splats or if it was a deer it was the pitter patter pitter patter, and he had to describe the shape and the color. |
| KAREN: | Oh my God. |
| ADAM: | I know! It was a great story. I thought it was hilarious. |
| KAREN: | Well, it's not just hilarious, it's educational. |
| ADAM: | Yeah. Especially kids that age. Toilet training and everything. I wanted to make poo fun! |
20111006
Oct 6 2011
"Seriously, the more questions you ask, the more reasons you give me to use your mouth as a piece of anal plumbing. Cock off!"
or click here
Am I the only one who had to puzzle this one out?
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| KAREN: | What exactly are you saying there? So you're going to... put something down their throat? |
| ADAM: | Use their mouth as a piece of anal plumbing... |
| KAREN: | Oh. Wait. Are you gonna poop into their mouth? |
| ADAM: | I think so... |
| KAREN: | Who's anus is it? |
| ADAM: | "Who's Anus Is It Anyway"! Um, if I'm going to be using their mouth as a piece of anal plumbing that would be— |
| KAREN: | Yes, okay, that means that you're going to— |
| ADAM: | My arse, their mouth. |
| KAREN: | Okay, yeah, I agree. This one requires— |
| ADAM: | A diagram? |
| KAREN: | Maybe it does. |
20111005
Oct 5 2011
"Wow. I can't believe I got punched in the face by a cow! Those bovines have bad attitudes. Total bitches. Oh, that's gonna leave a mark."
or click here"I am the highwayman in a half shell. I'm Dick Terrapin. Scourge of the roads, nibbler of fingertips."
or click here__________
I presume those outside the UK won't get this one. Dick Turpin was England's most famous highwayman. Think of him as the Billy the Kid of the UK.
Merch news: I've added some new quotes to the shop. You'll find "Why pray when you can google", "I've got some fabulous nail polish for that camel toe" and "You must have Imitation Bowel Syndrome"!
AND, Spreadshirt is doing a new promo: If you manage to spend $50 or £50, you get $10 or £10 off your order. Your order has to include a long-sleeved shirt (it's all about autumn), and it's only until Oct. 10.
20111004
Oct 4 2011
20111003
Oct 3 2011
"It's the green cherries we need. They gotta be green. They gotta look like a pair of dead dog's testicles. Yeah. Just with a little bit of dangle. Not so much give. Yeah. Perfect."
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20111002
Oct 2 2011
"Wait, wait! No, wait... Oh, shit, I forget... Hang on... What is it? What is it? Think... Oh, I remember now: FUCK YOU! Glad I remembered that."
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20111001
Oct 1 2011
"I've got a solution to the problem. It's the only one that'll work. But you're gonna have to die. DIE JELLY BABY!! Hahahahaaaa. Yum yum yum. You're gonna have to die, too. And you. Not you, I don't like you. You're the red one, the red ones are horrid. You just get dried up in a corner. Yeah, ha ha."
or click here
Jelly Babies are much like gummi bears, except way creepier...
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