Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts. Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam. Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
"There's pudding in the sock drawer, and waffles galore, so make yourself at home. No, I said the sock drawer, damnit, the sock— ohhhh. There's tapioca everywhere."
"Here's what we do: We wrestle back control from the pirate gerbils, and the seas will be ours! That's right, you nasty little sea fluffies… Shit, they're stashing the treasure in their cheeks! Come on! Time for some plundering!"
Sounds like STM is getting a bit sick of Tulisa. And for those who don't spend their weekend nights glued to the TV watching the X Factor (UK version), one of the judges annoyingly graces every single good performance with the phrase "you smashed it!"
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Added later: Our favorite comment? "While that was quite an awful way to dump someone, my friend still holds the record, in my opinion. She told her boyfriend at the time 'Welcome to Dumpsville, baby. Population: YOU.'"
"Oh great. Who's idea was it to theme this party 'sloth sanctuary'? It's gonna be the slowest evening ever. Jesus! (then in slo-mo) Jeeeeeeeeeeeesssssuuuuuuuuusssssss."
That one is not as random as it sounds. Every year, Adam and I volunteer at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. We've just decided that this year, we'll work with sloths in Costa Rica. I'm sure there will be some truly rockin' parties.
"Froggie!! I miss you. Where have been Froggie? Ohhhh, fancy. What've you got in your bag? Why are you collecting tourists? Put 'em back, Froggie, and tell me about your trip."
Oh my god. But you were just having such a nice conversation. With the froggie.
ADAM:
Really?
KAREN:
Yeah.
ADAM:
What language was I speaking?
KAREN:
... No I think it was an actual froggie.
ADAM:
Oh, okay, not French, then.
KAREN:
No. I think it was a froggie. (giggle)
ADAM:
You just like the word.
KAREN:
Um, what did you say... "Oh, froggie, I've missed you! Where have you been? What's in your bag? Stop collecting tourists, and tell me about your trip."
ADAM:
Wow. Is he a big frog, do you think?
KAREN:
Well, if he had a big enough bag that he could collect tourists...
ADAM:
I wonder how he collects them. Do you think he uses his big sticky tongue to grab them off the street? You're standing there, taking pictures of Big Ben, and all of the sudden: (sound effect)
KAREN:
Well, what does he do with them?
ADAM:
His tourist collection. "I have tourists from all over the world. Here we have Japan, Australia. Don't have any from Kahzakstan, though. Or Outer Mongolia. My prize is this man from Belize."
"I can do it. I can! I can do it. Oh...Oh... I can't. I can't do it. I can't! I can't, and it's all your fault. It's all your fucking fault, you gangrenous dollop of menstrual discharge. Fuck off!"
And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.
Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap.
ADAM:
Battery mishap.
KAREN:
You woke me up making little noises—
ADAM:
Little noises!
KAREN:
And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries—
ADAM:
You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed?
KAREN:
Oh yeah.
ADAM:
Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed?
KAREN:
I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing?
ADAM:
You can see!
KAREN:
But you know the crazy thing—
ADAM:
I cured you!
KAREN:
You waited for me.
ADAM:
Piss off.
KAREN:
Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking.
ADAM:
And did you do your hummy thing?
KAREN:
... A little.
ADAM:
Young lady!
KAREN:
But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around.
ADAM:
I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk.
KAREN:
But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it?
Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES!
KAREN:
... Did you say "toes" or "toast"?
ADAM:
(face buried in the pillows) Toes.
KAREN:
Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby?
ADAM:
I don't know.
KAREN:
You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!"
ADAM:
I gave myself a fright.
KAREN:
Aw, come here. Don't be frightened.
ADAM:
One minute I think I'm asleep—
KAREN:
You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken.
ADAM:
You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself—
KAREN:
Yeah, and you start awake.
ADAM:
I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting.
KAREN:
But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes?
ADAM:
I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes?
KAREN:
Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air.
ADAM:
If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about.
"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."
Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.
(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"
Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?
