Aug 31 2011

(sung to the REM tune) "Everybody poops, sometimes..."

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"Will the right honorable wank stain just answer the fucking question? You smug son of a bitch."

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Sounds like STM has entered the political fray! "Right Honorable" is the title by which Members of Parliment (MPs, equivalent of Senators or Representatives) address each other.

Aug 30 2011

"Well that totally changed the atmosphere of the party. What made you bring the whisk here? What were you thinking?! Idiot."

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I can't say I fully understand why someone brought a whisk to a party, nor why it had such a dramatic effect on the ambiance. Thoughts?

"You're so special. I bet you've even got sparkles in your shit."

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Aug 29 2011

"Now remember, I've seen you naked. That shit sticks with you. You don't forget that in a hurry, I'll tell you."

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"No you can't surprise me with a catfish. Stupid."

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Aug 28 2011

"Close your eyes and pucker up. No, I'm not gonna kiss you. I just wanted you to look like a blind arsehole."

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Hey, everyone along the US east coast, my thought are with you guys today.

Aug 27 2011

"I need someone else to help me catch ghosts. 'Cause we're going out to kick seven shades of spiritual shit. Yeaaaah. Ghost Kickers! Free floating vapor? Free floating fucker, more like. Come on, let's get 'em!"

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And here, again, I must shamefacedly admit that Adam and I have been known to watch Ghost Hunters. Actually, we're a bit off it now, but there was a time when we were watching it most nights of the week. Don't judge.

Aug 26 2011

"I know this is a place of work, but my pom poms are staying! Swish swish swish yeaaaaaaahh."

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"Well, if you peed out your nose, you wouldn't have that problem!"

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Aug 25 2011

"You know it's Thursday. You gotta clean the fishies. Wash each one gently behind each fin. I want to see my face in their scales."

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"It's not blood that courses through my veins. It's incrediblood!"

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Aug 24 2011

"I call this the 'Your Body's Shit Deal With It' diet."

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"No, I'm not afraid of death. I have a healthy fear of constipation."

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Aug 23 2011

"It's not about believing or not believing in God. No, no, no. It's about not giving a crap."

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Yup, another one of those jibes at God. And here, for your listening pleasure, is the morning, in which Adam wakes up, makes a beeline for the bathroom, and runs at full speed into the closed door.

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ADAM:	(wakes up suddenly) Oh! I need to go wee. (jumps out of bed, makes a beeline for the bathroom, and runs full-force into the door)
KAREN:	(laughs hysterically)
ADAM:	It was open when I went to bed, I'm sure it was!
KAREN:	Oh! I can't believe that!
ADAM:	Don't— I really hurt my nose.
KAREN:	Oh!
ADAM:	Bad enough waking up thinking you're going to wet yourself because need to go wee and then... the door's shut!
KAREN:	But Baby, we shut it every night because you don't feel good about it being open.
ADAM:	You're right.
KAREN:	Well, I bet now you don't like it shut. I can't believe you did that.
ADAM:	My nose!
KAREN:	Baby, we've lived here for over two years.
ADAM:	When I went to bed, right, last time I looked at that, and I remember looking, it was open.
KAREN:	But the thing is, okay:
ADAM:	What?
KAREN:	A—
ADAM:	Oh, god, you're going to be logical. Oh no.
KAREN:	Why wouldn't you make the assumption that it could be open or shut and just sort of feel for it instead of just walking full speed.
ADAM:	Please don't use logic. I always fall down when you use logic. It's not fair... Because I woke up quickly, and I hate that. And I needed to go to the toilet, and that's not a nice way to wake up, so I hate that twice over, so speed is of the essence, and my eyes weren't properly open 'cause I'd just woken up 'cause I hate that, and I had it in my head that the door was open, so it was gonna be easy! I was gonna be quick, it was gonna be direct route to the toilet, but there was a nasty obstacle in the way.

Aug 22 2011

"You find me attractive? Well, congratulations. You've now joined the rest of society."

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"Nature pooing gives a whole new dimension to life. Mmmm. Now that's freedom!"

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Aug 21 2011

"Heaven for a depressed masochist is an ice cream headache."

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Aug 20 2011

"Stop telling everyone we're friends. Don't amplify my shame."

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And then there's this cat, caught barking. I know it is entirely unrelated to anything STM, but it's the best thing I've seen in weeks!

Aug 19 2011

"How can I tell you you're as welcome as a 28-day-old used tampon infested by maggots without offending you?"

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Well, at least STM is considering someone's feelings for a change.

"Oh Jesus, you dumb bitch, it's not a boat it's a church!"

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Come now, why so harsh? It's a mistake anybody could make.

Aug 18 2011

"Live long and... tutti-fruity."

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No idea why the Star Trek reference, but I am amused at how "tutti-fruity" sounds in a posh English accent.

"Nobody should ever kiss you, except family. But, through a bag, mind. Only through a bag."

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__________

Merch news: I've filled the merch shops with new quotes on shirts, mugs, mousepads, aprons, kids' wear, laptop sleeves, and messenger bags. Quotes include "poltergoat", "Friday brain", "look for someone to blame" and "Jedi mutha-fucka!"

Want one of the quotes on a particular product not in the shop? Drop me an email with your request!

Aug 17 2011

"Now listen, Mr. Dickhead Knobcheese Ballyfuck, I would highly recommend a name change. Something short and snappy... 'Cunt' would suffice."

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"A rodent with a machine gun: rat-ta-tat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat. Sweet!"

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Haha. Get it? Rodent. Rat-a-tat. Ha.