20101231

Dec 31 2010

"Oh, thank you for inviting me to dinner. I would rather drink the contents of a week-old enema. Maybe we'll have coffee."
 or click here

Ok, that bit of charm was from the nest-egg, as there was no actual sleep-talking last night. But, this was how Adam woke up this morning:


 or click here
ADAM: LEECHES! (slapping at his chest) Oh, it's Molly. Paw.
KAREN: Molly's paw feels nothing like a leech.
ADAM: She's scratching on my chest.
KAREN: Oh, Molly, don't scratch Daddy's chest.
ADAM: My back is killing me.
KAREN: Uh-oh.
ADAM: I've gotta be really careful. So, there will be no Time Warp for me this new year. I have to Time Warp at least once a decade.
KAREN: Hey, we're going from 2010 to 2011!
ADAM: This was the naughties, so what's the next decade then?
KAREN: The naughties?! I've never heard that! I missed ten whole years of being able to say that?
ADAM: No, we call it the naughties here.
KAREN: But I missed being able to say it.
ADAM: Oh I'm sorry, Baby. So then what are we gonna call the next decade, is it the teenies?
KAREN: Yeah!!


20101230

Dec 30 2010

"Why don't you close your eyes. See that? That's how many friends you have. Yeah, you can cry. I would. Next!"
 or click here
"The spoons. You stole the teaspoons. It's the egg-cup incident all over again! Curse you and your cuisine nastiness."
 or click here
"Yayyyyyyyyy! It's me! Ta-da!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: A reader emailed to let us know that STM has been BANNED in the United Arab Emirates! What did it, do you think? The constant stream of self-adoration? The repeated mention of ninjas? The unabating derision of lentils? How, oh how, did we manage to offend?

Well, thanks for letting us know, Rachel. I hope you do manage to make your VPN work so that we can keep you as a reader, preferably without you ending up in prison.


20101229

Dec 29 2010

"Fuck! If I don't get to the mother fucking flower show, I'm gonna fucking kill someone!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: Ah, such passion for flowers. A sure sign of a delicate soul.

(From the nest-egg.)


20101228

Dec 28 2010

"Shhh. I'm joining the ninja choir. We have to harmonize in silence. So shush."
 or click here

This was about 9:10. I knew the alarm was about to go off, so, figuring it for a nicer, gentler awakening, I start petting Adam with the soft fuzzy blanket...


 or click here
(transcript below)
__________

Merch update: There are two more days for 15% off all orders in the shirt shops. AND, I've added a bunch of new ring tones, including "mongabee", "don't judge me", and "arsehooole"!

STM: Stop it Molly. STOP IT, MOLLY! Go away. Shhh.... Go to Mommy.... GET OFF.... I will fucking skin you alive and wear you like a slipper.
  (Adam wakes up, and I finally break down laughing.)
KAREN: I— I was trying—
ADAM: You being nasty to me? Are you being nasty to me?!
KAREN: No!
ADAM: You're being nasty!
KAREN: No, listen—
ADAM: No, I'm not listening, you've got nothing to say to me—
KAREN: I was trying to wake you up really nicely, by doing this, look, and you kept telling Molly to go away, and then you said, "Molly, I'll skin you alive and wear you like a slipper!" Molly, Daddy didn't mean it. Come here.
ADAM: Come see Daddy.
KAREN: I actually do— I do want to have her stuffed.
ADAM: In what position?
KAREN: Beagle bagel. Here's the plan: we get Molly stuffed, but with soft—
ADAM: Today?
KAREN: No. But with soft stuff inside her. And there's a heating coil inside as well so she's warm, and then we have her in bed.
ADAM: You can't get soft stuffed animals.
KAREN: Why?
ADAM: Because you can't.
KAREN: Yeah, we will, we'll find a way.
ADAM: You can't because the embalming fluid—
KAREN: Hmm. Let's study this. I'm going to learn how to do it in time. Molly, Mommy's gonna stuff you. I'm gonna do it myself—
ADAM: This isn't a nice conversation—
KAREN: And we're gonna keep you in the bed.
ADAM: Are you gonna give her a little mini bellows as well so she breathes in and out?
KAREN: And then you can still sleep with us. Poor little slipper.


20101227

Dec 27 2010

"Oh for pity's sake, man. It's banana, banana, mushroom, banana, no apples! No apples! What the fuck are you playing at? Oh, Jesus!"
 or click here
"You got an issue with my goat, you got an issue with me. Come on, goat. We're going somewhere where we're welcome. Baaaaah."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: About this banana, banana, mushroom thing. We've been playing Mario Kart on the Wii, which Adam won in a raffle last week. He always comes in 1st place, I always come in 12th. Goddamn mushrooms.


20101226

Dec 26 2010

(sort of singing) "Do re mi... fucking so la ti do, arsehole."
 or click here
"I need warblers. Not Wombles, warblers! Yes, there's a fucking difference! Gotta keep my people happy."
 or click here

And then there was the wake-up, at 3 am:


 or click here
(transcript below)
__________

Karen's notes:
Do Re Mi: It turns out they always show The Sound of Music during Christmas here in the UK. Personally, I prefer It's A Wonderful Life.

The Wombles: Another one of Adam's childhood TV programs, all about recycling. Adam read yesterday that the creator has passed away. And, yes, he did make me watch an episode. It was a lot like Bagpuss.

STM: DICKHEAD!!
ADAM: Oh!
KAREN: Oh, Baby.
ADAM: And a merry Christmas to one and all.
KAREN: Who's a dickhead?
ADAM: You calling me a dickhead?
KAREN: No.
ADAM: Did I upset you?
KAREN: No, you called the entire neighborhood a dickhead.
ADAM: By name?
KAREN: No.
ADAM: Sorry everyone! Don't take it personally.


20101225

Dec 25 2010

From the nest-egg, saved for this special day:
"Jesus needs me. If I don't believe, he don't exist."
 or click here

(A worrisome state of affairs for Jesus, as STM is Jewish.)

Merry Christmas, Christmas-celebrating folk!

20101224

Dec 24 2010

"Your voice has that haunting melody of whale song… without pitch or tone. Painful. Fucking painful."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: Don't forget, this is not the first time that STM has implicated whales in his infinite quest for the perfect insult.

20101223

Dec 23 2010

"I will not do emails. No. I'm computer eliterate."
 or click here
"You've got ping pong all wrong. You pong instead of ping. Stop ponging. Don't pong. Don't poooong!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: Last evening, Adam channeled STM. An advert for some psuedo-chic hair-care line came on TV. It was clear that the guy in the ad was meant to be a known personality (I'm often clueless about such things here in the UK), so I asked who he was. Adam replied, "You can go look him up in the dictionary... The dictionary of twats!"


20101222

Dec 22 2010

WEDNESDAY REWIND: STM on Artistic Expression


"I made snot pictures. I sneeze in my gallery, all day. Lots of different colours. Making bogey money."
 or click here
"Dance for me, go on. Oh you were! I thought you were having a spaz attack."
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"Correctomundo! Take the frame and shit on it, stick it on the wall and stare at it with pride. Cause that's the best thing you're ever going to do."
 or click here
"You tap-dancing hamsters. You rock my world, with your little blurry feet."
 or click here
"I'm gonna take charge of the hippos humming choir. They need more harmony. And definitely more bass."
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__________

Merch news: The shirt shop's offering one last promo for the year:

20101221

Dec 21 2010

"One... two... four... It's one. Oh, bollocks! Three arseholes in my life, there's three! Uch, I'll never get this right..."
 or click here
"Happy birthday! As far as I'm concerned, you're living too long."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: These were uttered around 6:30 this morning, after Adam and I had already been awake for a while. As Adam was drifting back to sleep, he was watching me answer hundreds of multiple-choice practice questions for my "Life in the UK" exam.

I can just see STM taking his "Life as STM" test, poring over questions like:

Who would win in a battle between the dumplings and the noodles?

What are the three steps to happiness?

What is your most hated food?

What is the preferred form of a stupidness intervention?

How many arseholes are in your life?

20101220

Dec 20 2010

"Awful! Awful awful awful. Too much to carry, and not enough credit. The world sucks."
 or click here
"Come on! Jump into my chocolate-filled love pool."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: From the nest-egg a few of weeks ago. I'm thinking that first one may resonate for many of you at this time of year.


20101219

Dec 19 2010

"God, I can read your mind. I see blank pages, more blank pages— oh, cute kitty! Oh, lovely little kitty— more blank pages... God, you're so vacant."
 or click here

20101218

Dec 18 2010

"Am I turning into a unicorn? Am I? Only, I'm not into the horn. I could be a unic. Like, unique. Yeah."
 or click here
"This is your driver speaking… or is it? Captain Paranoia!"
 or click here

20101217

Dec 17 2010

"Don't ask me what time I'm gonna call. I'll fucking call whenever I want. Kisses!"
 or click here
"Mind the doors! But don't mind me. I'm trying to drive this thing blindfolded. Yee-haw!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: I think STM still has a bit of work to do on his wild-west persona.

Merch update: I've added "Don't judge me" on shirts and mugs and bags and iPad sleeves and all sorts of stuff.


20101216

Dec 16 2010

"Don't judge me by the friends I keep. No, no, no. Judge me by the enemies I have slain!"
 or click here
"Little people are so much fun. Always jumping and looking up skirts. I wish... I wish..."
 or click here
"When I find that brick, you're gonna be in trouble."
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__________

Karen's notes: We believe that first one was in homage to Dwight Schrute, the result of watching two episodes of The Office right before going to sleep.

20101215

Dec 15 2010

WEDNESDAY REWIND: STM the Romantic


"Yeah, falling in love is WONDERFUL. Especially when it's with me."
 or click here
"Kiss me now! These lips aren't gonna be here for long, you know."
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"Please bounce on my bed with me. Bounce with me. Because there's nothing more romantic than bouncing..... Boing."
 or click here
"Mmmm, plug me in. Amplify our love. Fill your ears with 'I love youuuuuu'."
 or click here
"Ok, let's swap saliva. I know, love is messy."
 or click here

20101214

Dec 14 2010

"Seriously. I'm just gonna have to call you anus breath from now on."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: Hahahahahahah! I love that one. It's from the nest egg, about a week ago.

Merch reminder: This is the VERY LAST DAY for FREE SHIPPING! You have until midnight EST (midnight GMT in the UK shop).

If you have any special requests for products (that is, you want a quote that's already in the shop, but on a product you can't find), send me an email by 4pm EST (9pm GMT). Let me know:
  • which quote
  • which version (plain text or speech bubble)
  • which product
  • which shop (US or EU/UK)

20101213

Dec 13 2010

"Oh! Hairy spider! Must have been the size of my hand! Okay, a baby's hand. Fuck off, maybe a doll's hand then. Look, it was evil and looking at me and hairy!"
 or click here
"Okay, saying 'mind the gap' when we're having sex isn't funny. Sorry... No sense of bloody humor. Not my fault you're a bucket cunt."
 or click here
"Monkey see, monkey do. Dirty monkey."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes:
mind the gap: This is the constant announcement on the London Underground reminding people, when stepping on the tube, not to fall into the space between the platform and the train.

monkey see: Ah, STM must be thinking about our upcoming volunteer trip!

20101212

Dec 12 2010

"Your words are falling on deaf ears. You know, this is what I hear...... Get the hint? Fuck off."
 or click here


20101211

Dec 11 2010

"Oops. Oops? The tattooist said 'oops'. I'm fucked."
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__________

Karen's notes: Yeah, I guess that is the single worst phrase to hear your tattooist mutter.

20101210

Dec 10 2010

"Where's the suitcase? The one filled with tampons. Mmmm, mice on the mouse organ. Baaaaaah. All together. All together."
 or click here
"No, don't say 'I love you.' Never set yourself up for disappointment."
 or click here
_________

Karen's notes: Ok, I know that first one seemed all over the place. But after much discussion, we managed to make some sense of it.
suitcase full of tampons: This might sounds like one of those bizarre, fanciful dream-images. But— how can I explain this— when I visit the States twice a year, I buy lots of things that are less expensive, or that I like better from the States. So, you see, a suitcase full of tampons is only a slight exaggeration from reality.

tampons and mice?: Well, think about it. Surely you can imagine how that connection gets made.

mice on the mouse organ: This meant nothing to me, but I bet it has brought back a flood of memories for all you 30-something Brits out there. Adam got EXTREMELY excited to tell me all about Bagpuss, the cloth cat who comes to life, and his mousy friends who live on the organ, and are, it would seem, genetically programmed to repeat every single word they say three times. Yes, he made me watch an episode.
Now, if you have WAY too much time on your hands, you can listen to Adam regress into childhood as he narrates the Bagpuss theme for me.
 or click here
Here are all the Bagpuss characters:



And here are the mice on the mouse organ (note the mouse detail on the cabinets, which Adam made absolutely sure I didn't miss):

20101209

Dec 9 2010

WEDNESDAY REWIND: The Backhand Compliment

STM has truly perfected the art of abusive flattery. Here we have a few examples of his particular brand of biting praise:

(Okay, okay, so I missed it yesterday. Just play along, alright?)
"You certainly are incredible. A perfect example of genetics gone wrong. Now go stand in the corner and dribble or do something just as intelligent."
 or click here
"Everyday you reinvent yourself into a bigger cock-shite than ever. It's incredible. I don't know how you do it. I admire you."
 or click here
"I do like your eyes. Mmmm-hmmm. Shoved up your fuckin arse so I can see the shit you create. Bye-bye!"
 or click here
"As a vacuous cum bucket, you're perfect."
 or click here

20101208

Dec 8 2010

"Vaginas have brains. Oh, they've worked me out. And they don't like me. Oh!"
 or click here
"Why aren't you wearing a cat on your head, Monkey-Custard? Hmm? Go find one. Run along, run along."
 or click here

And here we have the dramatic wake up!


 or click here
STM: (lots of little moans, and then) BOOBIES!
KAREN: (groans)
ADAM: Shhhh. Don't say a word. Don't don't don't don't don't don't please.
KAREN: (sigh)
ADAM: Ok, you can say something now.
KAREN: I assume you know what you just shouted.
ADAM: Bees...
KAREN: No, not bees. I mean, yes, bees was part of it.
ADAM: What was the whole thing?
KAREN: (chuckles)
ADAM: Go on.
KAREN: BOOBIES!
ADAM: Hmmm... My head hurts.
KAREN: Actually, my throat really hurts.
ADAM: I was talking about me. Don't take it away. I'll come to you later.
KAREN: Ok.
ADAM: My head hurts.
KAREN: Oh, Baby, I'm sorry.
ADAM: That's better. How are you?
KAREN: Actually, my throat hurts.
ADAM: Oh, really?
KAREN: Yeah.
ADAM: Yeah, my head hurts worse.
__________

Karen's notes: My throat really does hurt.

Merch reminder: Just one more week of free shipping from the shirt shop. Don't miss it!


20101207

Dec 7 2010

"No, princesses don't get tickled. They dance and get married. It's true."
 or click here
"Don't fuck my logic. No, it's unfuckable. (whining) Oh, oh! Damn you and your philosophical foreplay! Damn you."
 or click here

From much earlier in the night, I found this in the recording, of which neither of us has any recollection:


 or click here

ADAM: Mmm! Mmph! Uh! What are you doin— Oh, okay, it's you. You tried to strangle me.
KAREN: Hmmm?
ADAM: Strangle me.
KAREN: No.
ADAM: You just want me for me collection of teeth.
KAREN: Teeth?
ADAM: Mmm-hmm.


20101206

Dec 6 2010

"Don't stop me. I need to put this on my Santa list before I forget. It's my Santa list! You know, an X-box 360 for me... and a cock slap for you. I'm so excited."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: I'd say we have a theme here. I call your attention to the September 24 post.

I'm sorry, Baby, but it's just not gonna happen.


20101205

Dec 5 2010

"Yeah, I'd like to have you around as much as a week old bag of old cum. Slopping around, bashing my leg, hanging off my belt. Reminding me all the time what a useless fucking waste of space you are. Splosh splosh splosh."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: This delightful little utterance has been sitting there in the nest-egg, haunting me in all its cringe-worthiness, for nearly a year. Ugh.


20101204

Dec 4 2010

"Oh, it looks like I'm going to have to skin this peanut myself. If you want a job done well, call me."
 or click here

This was around 3:30 am. Adam had me pinned down under his arm. I suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned the recorder on, so I tried turning over carefully to take a look...
"Stop struggling! Just enjoy it. Bloody hell."
 or click here

And then he woke up as only STM can:
STM: Arseho-o-ole!?!?
KAREN: Hi.
ADAM: Whatever.
 or click here

And, as usual, I shared with him what he had said:


 or click here
KAREN: You said, "I guess I'll have to skin this peanut myself."
ADAM: Can you skin a peanut?
KAREN: Well, I guess if you think of it, like, not the shell, but you know the really thin little skin around a peanut, inside the shell?
ADAM: No... You're thinking of monkey nuts. Peanuts don't come in a shell... Oh, hang on... brown, it's brown, isn't it....
KAREN: Oh my god.
ADAM: What? Shut up.
KAREN: (laughing) "Peanuts don't come in a shell."
ADAM: Shut up shut up shut up!
KAREN: By the way, what are monkey nuts?
ADAM: You don't know what monkey nuts are?
KAREN: No.
ADAM: Oh, they're nuts. They're like... are they peanuts?
KAREN: Adam!
ADAM: We call them monkey nuts.
KAREN: There's nothing. What—
ADAM: They're not real nuts.. They're nuts... I don't know... (in desperate confusion) What's monkey nuts?! I grew up with them... Are monkey nuts peanuts? I'm getting so confused and worried right now... um... Peanuts... they come in... monkey nuts.
KAREN: What?!
ADAM: I don't know... hang on... they... why do we call them monkey nuts?
KAREN: What ARE they? What are you talking about?
ADAM: They're not real, I mean, they are real, because you eat them, but they're not real—
KAREN: You don't mean that they're imaginary—
ADAM: No.
KAREN: Can you describe them?
ADAM: I'm dribbling. I'm getting so nervous I'm dribbling.
KAREN: Could you describe monkey nuts, please?
ADAM: Hmm... monkey nuts... normally containing two nuts... so far so good—
KAREN: Ok...
ADAM: Contained within an outer shell. I suppose in a way it looks a bit like a dumbell, because you've got a nut at each end.. oh, fuck it, I don't know. No, it's not a dumbell. I'm rubbish... They're held in a shell...
KAREN: Adam, I think you're describing a peanut in the shell.
ADAM: Yeah, I think I am. The shell's kind of like, all bobbly... not bobbly, it's got dimples in it...
KAREN: Let me guess: is it light brown?
ADAM: Yeah.
KAREN: Is it waffle patterned?
ADAM: Yeah. And soft, cause you break into these.
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
ADAM: Yeah. You know, monkey nuts!
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
ADAM: Yay! You've got them too!
KAREN: In America, we call those peanuts, that just happen to not yet be shelled.
ADAM: Oh. That's sensible.
KAREN: Mmmm.
ADAM: I don't know why... well, give me your computer. Look up monkey nuts.
KAREN: I'm just doing this once for you, and then we're going to sleep. (types "monkey nuts" into Google images)
ADAM: There we go. Thank you!
KAREN: Peanuts.
ADAM: Monkey nuts!
KAREN: Peanuts.
ADAM: Monkey nuts!


20101203

Dec 3 2010

"'Harder' is NOT a good safe word."
 or click here
"Genital waxing: very good or very bad? Discuss."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: From UrbanDictionary.com:
SAFE WORD: In BDSM community, a word— usually irrelevant and strange in the context of the sexual situation— agreed by the participating parties to cease the activity. This is so that the submissive partner(s) can say "stop" and "no" as often as they want during the session and use the safe word when they actually mean it.

BDSM: An overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM).
Wow, I cannot believe how many typos there are on UrbanDictionary.


20101202

Dec 2 2010

"My invisibility is wearing off. You can't see me. I am not here."
 or click here
"I declare today will be eat vegetables day. And kill animals. Oh yeah."
 or click here
"I loved it, and then I set it free. And now, I will hunt it down and kill it."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes:

invisibility - We saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night.

"And kill animals" - Adam really does love animals. Please believe me.

"I loved it..." - Presumably, STM's version of the adage, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be."


20101201

Dec 1 2010

It's Wednesday Rewind! Today's theme: Foods Adam (and apparently STM) avoids at all costs.

"My vision of hell is a lentil casserole."
 or click here
"Avocados? You can shove them up your ass as well."
 or click here
"Lentils are evil. Pure fucking oozing evil."
 or click here
"BLECH! You can't give me that cottage cheese shit. It's like albino diarrhea."
 or click here
"Here's an avocado salad. There's danger camouflaged in the green."
 or click here
"Damn you lentil gods. Banish thee and your evil produce!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: I think it only fair to reveal that Adam's disdain for avocados masks his terrible sadness at being allergic to them.

Merch news: Yup, another promo!




20101130

Nov 30

"Why don't you stop looking for answers when your questions have as much weight as a turd floating out to sea."
 or click here
"Power to the panda. Black and white ninja bears. Don't give 'em no bamboo back-chat."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: I'm back in bed with my husband, and we're back on our normal blog schedule. Yay!

Hey, STM is getting philosophical on us. Bonus: if you listen closely around "when your questions," you'll hear Molly's ears flapping.

Merch reminder: Last day for both of those promos in the right-hand panel. I'll give you a hint, though, that they're starting free shipping for orders over $30/£30 tomorrow, so if that's better for you, wait it out.


20101129

Nov 29 2010

"Listen: It's about time you grew up, and stopped trying to take over the world."
 or click here
"Oooooh! I'm in love. I can hug all day, and still want more. I love me!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: I imagine STM is talking to some pathetic little evil scientist who conceives plot after plot to seize power, and fails miserably every time. The poor guy should probably give up and get a job as a telemarketer or something.

And, as always, I'm pleased to see that my husband's sense of self-worth is so healthy.


20101128

Nov 28 2010

"I'm gonna make you laugh so hard your holes will leak. Wet pants time!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: Anyone else out there cringing right now?

20101127

Nov 27 2010

"I like the way you look. The way you walk. Your eyes... But your voice, dear god, your voice!"
 or click here
"Next time you come over, I'm definitely gonna throw a party.... After you leave."
 or click here
__________

Merch news: Spreadshirt has added another promo for the last few days of November. This one is for 25% off orders of $40 min or more, and it's in the US shop only:



(It took me a minute to figure this one out. You know how the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday, because everyone descends on the shops for the big sales? Apparently, the Monday after Thanksgiving is the biggest online shopping day of the year, and has come to be called Cyber Monday.)

The buy-4-get-1-free is still on for 4 more days! But you have to choose one of the promos, can't do both.


20101126

Nov 26 2010

"Oh Baby. There's always time to eat pie. Always."
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: This one's from the nest egg. At midnight, as I was standing in front of the fridge eating pumpkin pie straight out of the dish, it struck me as delightfully accurate.

Now, apropos of nothing, here's a little something.


20101125

Nov 25 2010

"Don't trust the sweet potatoes. They'll take over the kitchen. You've got to keep an eye on them. Let them out. Don't!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: This one came out of the nest egg for Thanksgiving. Sounds frightening! Anyone want to do an illustration?

I wish all you Americans out there a lovely day of tame root vegetables. To everyone else, Happy Thursday.


20101124

Nov 24 2010

Remember those days when I was posting only one audio clip every few days (what was I thinking?!)? Well, I've been considering that goldmine of never-before-heard wackiness, and all the bizarre, creepy, hilarious things STM has said that are buried in the archives. Thus is born the WEDNESDAY REWIND!

So, in honor of Thanksgiving:
"You can tell that turkey when it comes back here that it's not welcome. You tell it good."
 or click here
"I can't believe you went to pick up a turkey without introducing yourself first. How rude of you. How presumptuous. A turkey has its own mind. Be kind."
 or click here
"Put it down! Step away from the yam. Step away!"
 or click here
"Butter... nut... squash. I like those words."
 or click here

20101123

Nov 23 2010

"You don't make any sense. You must be part of the alien menace. Stop with the retarded hand gestures already. Stop!"
 or click here

That was from the nest egg. The only thing I found in the recording from last night was this emotional roller coaster of chuckles and whimpers:


 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: I'm really impressed by the two people who bought "I'm so cute" baby onesies. Someone even bought two!

And I've added iPad sleeves for the holidays!


20101122

Nov 22 2010

"I curse you with my words! Taste the venom in my spittle!"
 or click here
"Oh, I hope it fucking pisses down on you. I am the weather man. I AM THE WEATHER MAN!"
 or click here
__________

Karen's notes: A UKism, "pisses down" = "rains rather hard"

Merch update: Loads of new stuff in the shops. "Noodle soup" is on aprons; "I'm so cute" is on mugs and babywear, and I salute anyone who has the balls to put their baby in it; "Three steps to happiness" is on absolutely everything.

Don't forget about the order-5-pay-for-4 promo (hard to forget with that huge graphic to the right). If there is a quote in the shop that you want on a different product, email me with your request.


20101121

Nov 21 2010

"Where are you? Where aaaaaare yoooouu? Where have you gone? Helllooooooo? Hellooooooo? Where are yooo-oou-uuu? Where aaaaare you? (whimpering) Where ARE you?! (more whimpers) Oh! Theeeere you are. Right: FUCK OFF! Fuck off better next time, that's for sure."
 or click here

That was from yesterday. I want you all to imagine me listening to it for the first time, thinking, "Oh, that's so sweet. His first night without me, and he's desperately searching for me." I really should know better by now.
"I'm an aura stalker. I will seek you out. Yes, you will be mine."
 or click here

20101120

Nov 20 2010

"My bus. My new bus. Mmmm, shiny. Big shiny new bus. I love my bus. Get the FUCK OFF MY BUS! My bus! Shiny and new. Big red shiny bus, mine. Allll mine."
 or click here
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Karen's notes: Well, public buses in England are red, although one could not generally describe them as shiny.

I touched down on American soil last night. Hello to all my countrymen! Here's how this works while I'm away: Adam has to press the record button before he goes to sleep. In the morning, he transfers the file onto his computer, then sticks it into an online drop folder for me. Then I have to download it and go through the file blindly, having no idea if there's something on there or not. In one sense, I really miss out on hearing STM in person. However, it is a bit of an adventure, opening up that file every day, not knowing what I might find. Another bonus is that he usually records a delightful little love message for me before he goes to sleep.

Alas, this process will have to begin tomorrow, as Adam didn't quite upload the file properly and I'm too impatient to wait to post. STM's Ode to a Shiny Red Bus was recited in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Added later: I stand corrected. Adam didn't upload improperly, he just stuck it in a place I didn't look for it. And, oh boy, it was a doozy of a night! You'll just have to wait 'til tomorrow.


20101119

Nov 19 2010

"Oh, the badgers have returned! And this time they're carrying heat."
 or click here

That's "packing heat", Baby. I love how he tries, and so miserably fails, to use a slick Americanism.

Those who have been reading the blog are well aware that the return of the badgers is to be feared! (see Jan 20; Jan 1; Nov 4)

And here's how Adam woke up:


 or click here

(transcript below)
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Karen's notes: I'm off to the States for a week and a half! So, expect the blog to be posted about 6 hours later than usual. I love you guys, but not enough to wake up at 2 am every day.

STM: FUCK YOU!
ADAM: Oh!
KAREN: Baby?
ADAM: Morning! Oh dear.
KAREN: What happened?
ADAM: Mmm..... No idea.
KAREN: Well, at least you put some thought into it.
ADAM: I was trying to see if I could remember any image, if I was dreaming and... nothing. I just remember knowing I shouted something... probably rude.
KAREN: Oh, you just shouted "Fuck you!"
ADAM: Well there we go then!


20101118

Nov 18 2010

"Your three steps to happiness: Sex, Food, Me."
 or click here
"Cock-a-doodle noodle soup, dickhead!"
 or click here
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Karen's notes: I think STM may be on to something there. And I'm not talking about the noodle soup.

20101117

Nov 17 2010

"If you squeeze me, will I pop? I do have the potential to be a messy bastard, and a little bit icky."
 or click here
"Of course I'm wearing my thunder pants. It's Thursday. Friday is frilly pants day. Don't forget!"
 or click here
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Karen's notes: Hey, Americans, keep in mind that in UK-speak, "pants" = underwear (the long ones are "trousers"). That said, I can't wait to see Adam in some frilly pants on Friday.

Oh, also, anyone care to hazard a guess as to what thunder pants are?