May 30 2011

"You know, there's something to be said about being punched in the face. Like, 'that hurt, fucker'."

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May 29 2011

"My beauty gives me special powers: Stand next to me, you'll feel invisible."

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And then there's this. I haven't mentioned in a while another bizarre sleep-related habit of his: Often, when Adam wakes up, it is quite suddenly and with a fully-formed, completely coherent pronouncement.

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Adam is talking about a MythBusters episode from last week in which they tackle a scene from the Bourne Supremacy involving a magazine, a toaster, and a gaggle of blown-up bad guys.

ADAM:	(waking suddenly) The timer on the toaster! The timer.
KAREN:	The timer on the toaster?
ADAM:	Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. You know on that MythBusters one, when they had the magazine in the toaster?
KAREN:	(incredulously) Yes?
ADAM:	It can't work because there's always a timer in the toaster and you can't get the toaster to work for 12 minutes. There's no toaster that toasts for 12 minutes.
KAREN:	I have to ask you: How is it possible—
ADAM:	I just thought of it.
KAREN:	But you must have thought of it while you were still asleep!
ADAM:	I had a picture in my head of the toaster.
KAREN:	Oh my god.
ADAM:	I remember seeing the toaster, and I'm like, yeah, imagine him walking out the door and hearing the toaster just go "ca-ching!" He would be like "Fuck, I put it on to light toast again!"

May 28 2011

"I love my mango. Oh yeaaaah. Ooooh, cut it in half and rub it all over me... uuuuuuhhh. It'll give me a mangasm. Mmmmmm. Yeaaaahhh."

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You think the cringe factor on this one was tough for you? I had to listen to it not only IN PERSON, but about five more times to transcribe it exactly. Ugh, I hope I never have to hear it again (shiver).

May 27 2011

"Look at me. That's what I call rapture. Who needs the fucking end of the world? Judgement day, my arse."

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Sounds like STM keeps up with current events. And this next one is no doubt inspired by the Monaco Grand Prix this weekend, which Adam awaits with great anticipation.

"Kiss the apex… gentle on the throttle... faster... yeah... turn ten, ninety miles an hour— (incredulous exclamation) Who put a fucking zebra crossing—?! Seriously, what the fuck? Goddamnit. Come on then, granny, hurry up, move across. Jesus! Fuck!"

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"Kiss the apex" and "turn ten" are car racing terms. "Zebra crossing" is what we call pedestrian crosswalks in the UK.

May 26 2011

"Bad germs, bad germs. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when I throw bleach on you…"

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Adam said this one a couple of nights ago, and I have been chanting it in my head (and sometimes not in my head) relentlessly ever since.

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Merch reminder: You've only got a few more days of the buy-4-get-5th-free promo. So hurry up and find four friends, take down their orders, and snatch the free one for yourself! Detail in right-hand column.

May 25 2011

"I'm so sorry about the pop-tarts. It really should never have happened."

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"I wanted a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with a mag-lite. For fuck's sake, get back in your hole and get it right."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "I wanted a shark with laser beams, and what I got was a manatee with a mag-lite."
ADAM:	The poor manatee.
KAREN:	Why? It's just a mag-lite, he probably doesn't even feel it.
ADAM:	He can use it as a weapon as well. He can hit something with it...
KAREN:	A manatee would never hit anybody.
ADAM:	Out of self-defense, maybe? They've got some weight behind them, those manatees. They're slow, they can creep up on you.
KAREN:	They creep up on you—
ADAM:	and then they kiss you with their bristles.
KAREN:	—and just snuggle you, I know. They're snuggly.
ADAM:	Well, they can fight crime with kindness and cuddles...
KAREN:	Oh, I like that.
ADAM:	...and then hit you over the head with a mag-lite.

May 24 2011

"So, you want a super massivo decaf low-fat stupido motherfuck cappu-fucking-ccino? Okay. Coming right up, cunt."

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"I love you, glow worm. You're all glowy and… wormy. Glowmy! Mmm, all glowmy."

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May 23 2011

"Lead me not to the telephone, but deliver me some email."

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I've been saving this one in the nest-egg for just the right occasion. For those who don't follow the news closely and are thus befuddled, here's the story, which was huge news in the States.

May 22 2011

"Hey, Big Head! No, not you Fat Arse. Oi, Big Head! Oh, Big Nose, keep out of it. Big Head! Oh Jesus, I hate living in the land of giant body parts."

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Ummm, okaaay....

May 21 2011

"The noodles are coming! Stand by your chopsticks. Steady the miso… Steady… Don't do anything until you see the whites of their strands."

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A recurring theme: noodles as aggressors! Remember this?

"History is exciting! There's sex and explosions."

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I suppose that's one way to keep the students in your history class interested. And then, we had another round of those funky sounds:

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May 20 2011

"(in commentator tone) Oh, the penguin parade. Splendidly turned out, in his black and white coat and beautiful red and orange beak. And following him is w— It's dressed exactly the same. No imagination, these puffins. Boring fuckers, really."

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"So you think throwing custard in my face was funny, hmmm? I'm gonna break your face, break it up. Oh, custard!"

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Karen's notes: These are from the nest-egg. We haven't had any sleep talking for a few days in a row. STM, where are yooooooooouuuuuu?

May 19 2011

"Your vagina. It feels like home."

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Oh, he finally said something nice... I think?

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Merch news: I've got a few new things coming into the shops, just in time for a great promo! You'll find I bet you wish you could wear a onesie (finally!), Disco ain't dead, and later today, I'm not waving at you. Buy 'em all!


On a entirely unrelated note, Google Ads never ceases to amuse me. It really does do it's best to figure out what ads to put on your page, based on the keywords it picks up. Today, I'm seeing "Is Your Husband Cheating? New Software To Tap His Cell Phone No access to his phone required."

May 18 2011

"Why are you single? Exhibit 1: your reflection. Case closed."

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"Your nipples are boring. Make me laugh, winky-nips! Make me laugh."

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May 17 2011

"It's your hair. I'd like to see it on your head, not on the side of the fucking bath like a dead mouse."

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Yes, it's true, I have very long, thick, curly hair. And yes, when I comb it out in the shower, I always end up with a big tangled hunk in my comb, which I then put on the side of the tub. And yes, it does indeed look like some sort of forlorn little creature. BUT, I have never, NOT A SINGLE TIME, forgotten to throw it away. In fact, the only time Adam ever sees it is when he comes in during my shower to give me a kiss goodbye. So there, STM, you can just stick your little dig right up your poop-chute.

"Don't you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I'm fucking finished."

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May 16 2011

"Yesterday, your mother lived so far away. Now it looks like she's here to stay. Ohhhhh. I wish it was yesterday."

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I'm not sure this is quite what Lennon and McCartney meant.

After this, Adam shifted his legs on top of mine, so that he had them pinned. Although he did seem to find something sweet about it at first, he didn't ultimately find it comfortable, lucky for me:

"Lumpy…"

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Then we have another series of bizarre noises. It sounds as though STM is having a delightful conversation with an alien:

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And finally, the awakening. I'll preface this by mentioning that Adam and I were at a car boot sale (i.e., flea market) yesterday, and I was searching (in vain, in turned out) for a large set square:

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For those who care, here's a old-style set square:

STM:	Get off! MY set square. Oh. I'll scratch my name on it, see? Death!
ADAM:	Oh... AH! Oh, it's your hand!
KAREN:	Baby, Baby, oh my god.
ADAM:	What the fuck are you doing?!
KAREN:	What?
ADAM:	Your hand is porcelian white against the dark of my pilllow. It's not what you expect to see next to your eyes when you first wake up.
KAREN:	Okay, okay.
ADAM:	Not nice. Disembodied hand....